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Rae Oct 2020
See I wanted to check in with a smile and a grin
Show you some scale of grandeur or win
But when your smiles wafer  thin and you can see them looking in
Head hung low and you can't meet there eyes and raise your chin ....

See I wanted to ask if your okay?
How is your day?
But love is a currency I am to broke to pay
Just one more hurdle I've got to get through and I'll get back to you
Over this one under that one two step forward on step back hey look another panic attack...
A sign of reprieve puts my mind at easy
Of course but a tease
One breath and I'm back
Grief stricken heart attack

See I wanted to smile
Run for a mile
Or just sit and enjoy for awhile
With you and me
Good company
So once again I'll plea
no more hurdles please let me be
I have friends a family to raise and people who need me...
Alas to no avail
The next trauma makes the last seem pale
And when I go to stand this time I know I may fail

See what I wanted was never on the cards
Life is one big hardship
Not some tale of fantasy sung by thy bard
So ignore my silence for words right now are just to hard...
Rae Sep 2020
It stopped being that I couldn’t hold you and became that you couldn’t hold me at 2
When at 4 am my tears ran dry
Failure, guilty screaming in my head
and I looked up to the sky tears in my eyes
Beg god to head my cries
Take me instead
It stopped being that I couldn’t see you
smile and play in the sun
And became that you never drew one breathe into your lungs at 3
When the morning sun shone
And I remembered you where gone
Why couldn’t it be me
At four your sister crawled the floor
And I couldn’t have asked for more
Except I could have...
at five if you could pay for a life in tears you would be alive
At six it was a weird mix..
Bitter sweet as I finally laid eyes on you again a picture with a tinge of blue
I was to late to fix...
At seven...
Please take me to heaven
My hearts to sore to do this anymore.
Rae Sep 2020
I am not ready yet
Not for the pain
Not even the gain
I am not ready yet
To open my chest and try to offer what’s left
Or for the theft that always happens next
It’s not of my heart
Just probably what’s left of my spark
I am not ready yet
Not ready for the drain
Not ready to be tame
I am not ready yet
But it’s always so lonely
Out here with me only
No warm embrace
To numb the taste
Of the poisons you left
Rae Feb 2019
You had me in a corner for awhile..
falling for all the same routines time after time and I let you keep me there..
how does it feel?
When you are the one ignored?
when you are the one pushed to the edge of breaking?
when you are battered and bruised begging for mercy and none comes?
How does your poison taste dear love?
Is it a familiar taste?
Or has no one ever dared to put it to you?
Does it trickle into your thoughts in every waking second or is it a prickly numbness refusing to leave you?
Can you feel it eating away at your pride? The way it ate at mine for so long? Does it catch in your breath crush your windpipes until you feel the darkness surrounding you?
Tell me love does it hurt?
Not a poem again but a well needed vent.
Rae Jan 2019
What do you see when you look at me?
Do you see a fighter or do you look past it and see my scars?
Do you think they make me brave?
Am I someone for you to save?

What do you see when you look at me?
Do you believe the pride of my stride
Or do you see what I’m trying to hide?

What don’t you see when you look at me?
Do you miss my insecurities
Heart begging you “love me please”.

What do you see when you look at me?
I’m watching you stare right through
These deep eyes of blue

And I ponder again

What do you see...?
Rae Jan 2019
One minute please
Pleasure pain going insane
Itchy tetchy smile in vein

One minute please
Pulse rapid mouth dry
Be polite don’t dare cry

One minute please
Chest tight fight or flight
Deep breath no no oxygen panic peaks a new hight

One minute please
World spins room dims
Numb limbs

One minute please
And I’m okay
What an odd reaction to a stranger saying good day...
Rae Oct 2018
I’m on the verge of a dream
Heaven send
So serene
A glimmer of hope, a ray of sun gleam
My heart lights up, my eyes beam
It’s all to much to hope for
Doubt settles in
lock the door
I’ve been kicked to the floor enough times to never be sure
My hearts too sore
Happy endings? Ha! Folk lore...
But what if?
What if? WHAT IF?!
What if it breaks us the way it has every time before
Shatters our very core
Leaves us the broken look Mum always wore
You don’t know that!
It could be so good
Two puzzle pieces carved from the same piece of wood!
A picture of love no falsehood
Just us and him, a verandah and a bottle of Jim
What could be? What should be?
COULD, WOULD, SHOULD?!
How naive...
The best thing to do is let it be..
How can’t you see?
Why reach for the same rose with thorns like horns
So eager to bite
Dripping blood from your last fight
And still your dumb hopeful mouth utters words like might?
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