An effect I thought I was impervious to

Butterflies
Uncertainty
Insecurity

My soul lingers on my skin
Like smoke on walls

I'm transparent.

Many men have come with their ice picks
Desperately chipping away at the cold encasing my heart
And here you are

A wildfire.
Restless and tactful
Every scar I have earned
My armor
In ashes.
I'm terrified
vulnerable
And

yours..

he was once a boy
a face in the crowd
which brought me no joy

we talked once or twice
didn't mean a thing
timing not right
I was else where
dreaming of someone else
who didn't want me on their shelf

so this boy whom I didn't feel for
liked me just so much more
but I couldn't see
him so perfectly
for I was looking elsewhere
at one who didn't care

...so this boy told me I was looking in the wrong place
and I couldn't see the beauty in his face
my mind still caught on someone else
I was stupid to not see
who it was that may have been right for me

for the boy that cared
I didn't have those feelings shared
but time went on
I stopped dreaming of the guy that was wrong
and started friending this guy that felt for me

though he had gotten a girlfriend
he became my best friend
and I'm getting close to this boy who once wanted me
but now he's taken
and I sit around crying
about a boy who once felt for me
about a boy who now isn't loving me

You are a whole ocean inside my mind.
Your name pulses through my bloodstream in waves.
I hope it’s the same for you.
And our heartbeats pump out of rhythm for now,
but if we ever meet again,
I hope our individual stories will finally fall on the same page.

Not to let your optimism slip away,
No matter it's over, it's okay,
Cause as long as the sun is rising.
You can get up,  brighten up
And enjoy to make her day.
You are shining as the rays,
Inside your soul to heal this feeling,
Just in case one day, she shows up.

I would love for you to kiss me
Kiss me how I could actually feel it.
Feelings might not be mutual
But agreements are out the door
Just because that door is closed
The kissing door isn't

I want to feel your lips graze mine
I want to feel them in me
I would love for the kiss to end up
With the both of us intertwined
Like that one night
When I never though I'd feel that kind

That kind of chemistry in bodies
Unlike the ones I can feel in lobbies
I want your hand to hold mine
It's terrible that this isn't the right time.

But my love
You deserve to be so much more than
Another one of my mistakes
That is not what you were made of

You, my dear
You are the final destination
Utopia
After I broke myself
On unhealthy relationships
And one-nightstands
And all that is left of me
Is my purest self
I will arrive
Ready to be loved by you
Ready to love you too

Kissing him sounded like wailing sirens,
a traumatic experience already in motion

Your Dad was never around to teach you things
like riding a bike, or how to ask for the things you want
so you own a dirt bike now and steal for the thrill of it.
I still think you turned out just fine.

I  want to romanticize the way it felt to feel your presence but always being at such a distance from you,
but its hard to make something so painful sound poetic.

Still, I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it all, just a little bit.

You'll call some other girl "babe"
and I'll change my mind
the same way the leaves go from green to red and
one day I won't think of trauma when I hear your name,
I won't be calm when I sense danger,
and I won't be at peace when I hear sirens wail.