I stood
Mouth
Wide open
What a fool
That I am
I tried
In a stupid way
To help
But
I yes I
was stupid
I didn't
Think
That I
Had no right

I wanted to jump into your skin
and navigate my way through your veins.
I wanted to sneak into your blood
and flow to every inch of you.
I wanted to leave no corner untouched
I wanted to be what you needed to survive
and what you couldn't live without.
But you wanted me gone
like I was a disease.
You wanted to be prescribed medicine that would get rid of me
once and for all.
I choked on my words
when I told you that you were the moments I wanted to remember
but the syllables rolled so effortlessly off your tongue
when you told me that you had already forgotten.
I looked into your eyes and I thought I saw myself
but when I checked a second time there was a no vacancy sign
I had not yet recognized.
I wondered what you saw when you looked into mine
and it struck me that maybe you never really had.
Maybe you didn't even know what I had eyes
because apparently you didn't know that I had a heart
and a soul
and a brain
and a ******* backbone
because you never saw those parts of me
when we were laying alone
drunk and half-clothed.
You never saw my heart and soul because
I never responded when the whole bottle of *** you drank
told me it loved me.
You never saw my brain because you never asked me about my life
or what I was passionate about.
And you never saw my backbone because every time you called me
I would gladly come.
To you I was merely the clear liquid you poured down your throat
until you couldn't see or walk straight.
To me you were so much more
than the contents of a shot glass
but ****, you burned like those drinks did
but with you it didn't stop in my throat
and I couldn't chase you down
with some carbonated beverage
no,
you stuck around and burned through every last part of me
until there was nothing left but ashes
like the ones you find in the remnants of an old house
barely recognizable,
the entire foundation crumbled.
No one could ever tell how beautiful the house once was
or how the light used to shine through the giant windows in the morning.
They could only see what it became.
Nothing.
Nothing like what you told me you felt.
In the middle of the night when you couldn't sleep
it wasn't me who was running across your mind.
Nothing like when I picked you up from that party
because you were too drunk to drive
and you left your contact on my seat
and I threw it away.
Nothing like when I woke up at 3 am in your bed
and my mom asked me what I'd been doing all night
and that is what I told her.
Nothing.
Nothing like what I saw when you led me down the steps to your pool
and it was so dark that I didn't know
anything else existed besides us two.
Nothing like what you told everyone else what we were
even though I did everything for you
for longer than I can even remember
and even though you made
two summers a little bit hotter
and the sun move a little bit closer to the Earth
because they envied us
and wanted to be together too.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing
And if I say it too many times
the word starts to change.
It gets stuck on my tongue
and turns into something else
and for so long I thought our nothing
would turn into something else too
but I was wrong.
Because people aren't like words.
You can't change them or make them to what you want.
If they are nothing,
nothing they will stay.

another morning
when you search
later when things fall
they always will
stretch out to
each day, a phenomenon  of
order and disorder but no,
what’s between?
bodies, fall the same way
each time
eyelashes too on the same place,
same spot on the face
feeding into it when that’s what
it wants what it wants is
for eyelashes to
keeping fall and wishes run thinning
since wishes unwork and unwind
and the same lashes
the same wishes
but chaos theory
avoids time
structure, we preside in
P.M.and A.M.
wall to wall
skin and soot on bottom’s heels and ears
and bodies, all the same,
aren’t they?
structure is
unavoidable
chaos theory is without
option
struvture without option
without sound but loud in consequence
its the same
for those like us
burying eyelashed face in
numbers and now-- words
always buried beneath something,
layers of clothing
or layers of pillows
across the belly
until straight enough to sit without
rolls
but rolls of breads, succulent and sweet
and rolls like child’s somersaults
and roles that you play for everyone
and yourself
when layers collapsed within
the walls of intestines
which erode
and the role is you
standing without
rolls and without much else, either
and skin cannot renew
skin cannot replace
you can try for ceramic skin
but thin is breakable,
cracking the hull
of the *****’s boat, the same
***** bandaging what you want to wound  
its structure for bodies
you and you and
the best friend you ever had
with freckles you cannot count
and a gummy smile,
structured the same and
what language do you speak in?
because
              wrapping            
your tongue       around
organs isn’t the same
speech
but the spaces between teeth is not enough
to contain what’s oozing in
the edge of a back,
the corner of a ankle’s ***
whatever it is,
is structured

the flowers you have given me,
they slowly wilted
like the way you told me
you loved me
l o v e d
l o v e
l o v
l o
l

but still, they grew back as

li
lie
lies

I commuted to school so when I say bus boy I really mean: fool.
the ride was over an hour away but I always tried to find a reason to stay. Then I met a girl with blackish brown hair. Her eyes gave off a ghostly stare. She saw me and all of my flaws.
I intently fell for all of hers too. I hate myself for letting her go. She sits on my friends page. She still doesn't know. I lost one love before. How could I be so stupid to let her out the door.
I miss her every day. I scream at the past to go away.
don't haunt me with that beautiful girl she was always to good for a guy like me. I know that I'm ******* but please understand. I am a ***** when love is in hand.