i find it hard now to make excuses for why i haven't let you go.
mere words are tripwires.
(how can i call you a piece of my past when you are still so very present?).
i am no longer as eloquent as i used to be.

i find it hard now to make excuses for why i still stand at your door.
it has been four months, and just as soon, twelve.
(each morning i wake with hopes that your grip will have loosened).
i am no longer as strong as i used to be.

but perhaps it does take a strange type of strength to be so hopeful,
to think that someday,
even after all this,
you might see in me even a fraction of what i see in you.

truthfully, that is all i ever wanted.

but often, the things we want require change we cannot bring.

i have spent so long trying to make my valleys into mountains,
but sometimes the earth does not want to be moved.

//

i have given up on excuses;
i will drag you along and wait.
someday i will tire of holding your hand so tightly.

(a.m.)

I can hang In there
when the damage is done,
it just makes me stronger
but if I were enough
properly strong
I wouldn't have to hold on.

I let myself losing most of my time
Now it feels like it wasn't mine.
I'd better move and repent                
Than regret I forgot to dream,
I know though exactly what it means.

Proud not of me
But of any one else,
To think I am worthy
I would only pretend,
But they say don't give in
Never too late to believe.

If it's all behind my back
Where do I go from here?
I've gotta be strong
walk tall all along.

It isn't true when people say pain heals over time. Sure, you move on, and sure, you live your life again, but the agony never leaves you. Time only allows you to survive, to handle the pain that you have.

Be,
Don't try,

Let thoughts flow,
Don't think.

Move,
Don't operate,

Unsee the unexpected,
Don't anticipate.

BE.

We are taught to do a lot of things in life.

We’re taught how to eat.
How to talk.
How to move.
How to behave.

But why aren’t we taught other important things?

Like how to love?
How to live?
How to fall apart?

Because aren’t those the most valuable lessons anyways?

If I had died when I planned to,
Would you still have kissed her?
Would you still have moved on
As my memory began to wither?
Just two days after I chose not to,
She was wrapped in your arms tight
And I wonder if you’d still smile
Like that had I taken my own life.
Then there’s always you,
The one that warms my heart,
Would you have even noticed
If I never came back around?
We only speak in shy conversation,
I’m sure had you heard the news
You would’ve just been surprised,
Not hurt, just a little bit confused.
The girl I sit next to in class
Would have thought I simply dropped
And the boy who asked to see my notes
Would easily forget we ever talked.
My favorite regular customer would
Probably assume I quit without goodbye
And no one would ever believe that
Each smile I shared was a bold-faced lie.
I wonder if the boy who likes to flirt
And call me pretty would still think so
When he’d hear the news and think
Of my lifeless body, or perhaps my ghost.
I’m sure my parents would miss me and
It pains me to think they’d feel blame,
For I give them all the credit that
I’ve hung around this long anyway.
I am already just a dying spirit, imprisoned
In bones, wrapped tight in skin and tissue,
I suppose I’ll stick around, because in my absence,
You wouldn’t notice, but I’d still miss you.