reflecting back, yesterday was all gray
like the three days before
when you fall, the trick is in getting back up
even when you don't know what for
when you wake, bruised, bleeding and feeling
the weight of every haunting thought
fight through them and emerge on the other side
don't surrender and let yourself be caught

I prefer the gray.
I don’t want to choose between dark and light.
I like it that way.
No one can tell me if I feel alright.

I prefer the gray.
It can be whatever I want it to.
I like it that way.
Why pick joy or pain when both can be true?

I prefer the gray.
An aching heart can have a smiling face.
I like it that way.
Why must my emotions have their own place?

I prefer the gray.
What you think I mean is for me to know.
I like it that way.
When the words confound you just let them go.

Did I push everyone away,

that no one wants to stay?

will ever my finite days and hollow night won't be gray,

will ever anyone will accompany me to my prayers

before hope in me fades away.

With these thoughts and loneliness,

I am nearby to my doomsday.

all my life people hurt me,

made me feels like the joke of April fools day.

maybe it was yesterday

when my ******* reality ****** me away,

I didn't get a choice, didn't get a say.

life has ****** me without much foreplay.

I lost my sanity as everyone in my life took advantage of me ,

had their ways.

that was the day I set my soul ablaze,

to become my own hope of rays,

to make my own glory days.

I will keep exploring ' life ' the mighty maze,

even when I could feel hidden shadows watching me,

ready to pounce and  drag me away,

but I'll fight to rise above these haze.

I know I have my doubt I have my black days,

but I am a fighter and tomorrow is another day.

You and I will crack one day
The smoothness will all go away
And as our hairs fade into grey
Will the love still stay?

We promise love until the dust
But so often forget the rust
Failing frequently to discuss
What happens if nothing happens to us

The porcelain will splinter and chip
Marking, for some, where the veil rips
But my love lasts more than just a stint
Of smooth skin on my fingertips

For if the twilight fades the blue
It replaces it with countless hues
And so will grow my love for you
In seeing, remem’bring what we’ve gone through

You and I will crack, no doubt
But my love will faithfully pour out
To endless bound, in copious amounts
A quenching water from an undying spout

damp grass from the hillside
is cold on my feet as I walk
hands in my pockets and head looking down
legs leading slowly downhill
towards the sea.

There's something about going for a walk
that makes it easier to think
even if you completely ignore your surroundings
or don't go very far.

The sand surprises me
the soft white powder that shifts between my toes
and my feet slip a little with every step.

For the first time in a while, I look up
the sea is darker than usual, it's turbulent as well,
but I stop for a moment on the edge of the water.

Imagine If I fell in
I'd probably turn into driftwood and then just float off
until the water pushed me up onto some deserted beach
and then pulled me back in
and then pushed me up again
eternally caught in the space between sea and shore

the space between here and there
between is and isn't
between impulse and inactivity

I'm already there.

Its been a day
One of those gray
Boring
Days
A day where the rest
Doesnt feel needed
And the taste in your mouth
Of misery and doubt
Doesnt leave
Its been one of those days
Where every word you write
Every word you hear
Every word you read
Is just mush
Gray soggy mush
And everything that you love
Is faded
Unenjoyable
Boring
Its been one of those days
Where want and need
Are one in the same
And the lack of everything
Drills in your skull
Pounding
Knocking away
Reminding you of your prison
Of how you're trapped
Until the next day
Or the next
Its like you're always looking forward
To the next big thing in your life
But sometimes you stop
And lay down
And the whole world turns gray
And theres nothing you can do
So you wait
Until the next big moment
Then you do it all over again

I am bisexual. I am sure of that.
I've been sure of it for quite some time now.
I came to realize something.
If I end up with a woman I am going to embrace the essence of everything that's broken and ****** up about me and claim it as my own and let it define my identity.
Now don't get me wrong that doesn't mean it's gonna be a sad life or that my female partner will make me miserable.
No!
We will have lots of amazing and breathtaking moments and happy yellow days.
But there will always be some gray in the corner of my vision.
Gray will never leave.
All of my depth will forever be in the back of my mind.
And depth requires some darkness.
But I will be fully me. Real me. A picture frozen in time.

However, if I end up with a man I will probably abandon my depths and my grays.
I will forever be feeling like some part of me is missing but I will be leading a whole new life which will be about learning to love myself and nothing will ever be broken.

Do I even make sense?
What does that say about me?