Everything I fix I break
And everything I break I lose
Please
don't let me try to fix you

Everything I give I take
And everything I take I bruise
Please
Don't let me give myself to you

He took the ever-revolving door out of my life, and ever since I have been in a constant state of longing.
A craving for some semblance of normalcy.
A hope that my broken pieces stand a chance of becoming more than he left behind.
I want to be a mosaic.
I will be my own constant reminder of who I am now; a work of art, beautiful despite the cracks.
A heart, made better than it was before.

I remember our first kiss
It was an accident & you
wouldn't stop apologizing
because you had one past
too many to drink

     You were broken like a
     shattered glass bowl filled
     with your favorite kind of
     cereal & way too much milk
          As it fell to the floor, your
          heart dropped just as fast,
          immediately realizing that
          this couldn't be undone
     You'd have to clean up all
     of the glass & soggy bits of
     sugary flakes from the floor
     all by yourself with no help
          You cursed to yourself through
          clenched teeth & a closed jaw,
          tears daring to escape your eyes
          like the milk pouring & dripping
          over the sides of the broken bowl
                    You swore off cereal all together
                    because the agony of possibly
                    breaking another bowl had
                    your head & heart in a whirl
                    of confusion & annoyance
               Slowly as you began to pick the
               broken pieces of glass from the floor,
               piece after piece being thrown away,
               this task you found a chore
               becomes more of a necessity
               that you didn't realize until
               the big mess was already created
          Wiping up the chunks of sugar
          & tossing them in the trash,
          a small smile curls at the
          corners of your mouth
     Pain runs through your veins,
     but relief washes over your core
     as you realize the worst is over

The kiss that I remember
was not of regret, but beauty
I'm on this sugar high &
I'm not sure I can come down

     But you don't want cereal anymore
           so I'll eat this bowl alone

I knew he was special,
over what you call sanity,
he is still admirable.
                               Among his rejection,
                               I guess I just had to make sure that
                               craving him secretly,
                               was all I could possibly do.

I wish I could say you are a piece of me.
I wish I was a piece of you.
I don't know if I ever was.
Did I make it up?
Was I wrong?
The distorted thoughts consume me but contain the most vulnerable memories I have.

I was never a piece of you.

This is where I was wrong.
I let myself believe in a person that I knew didn't want me.
I knew you didn't want me.
It was clear.
The distortions that I believed became me.
They became my "love" for you.

I did not love you.

I can truly say you were a piece of me at one point in time.
When I barely knew you.
When I didn't know the true monster you are.
The manipulative soul that I let take mine.
The manipulative soul that I let manipulate me.
I let you consume me.
Every part of me.
Destroyed.

When you were a part of me I couldn't get enough.
It was nothing like the nights I lay crying in your bed.
The nights I lay crying in my bed.
The days I lay crying in my bed.
The entire days that I cried.

Too many wasted tears.
I had hoped you wouldn't waste them.
I hoped they would fix you.
I hoped they would make you want to fix youself, for me.

I was wrong.

You haven't been a part of me since I relied on you.
It's hard for me even to remember when I could do that.
It's hard to recall the times you were actually there.
You actually did care.
But you were not invested.
You never let me become a part of you.

And I will not be consumed in these distortions any longer.

Okay my heart is empty and it is broken the blood is out of it completely I have been forgotten by everyone and it hurts me that I have no body at all.

Weak and broken, lost inside myself,
Scared and alone, basically dead inside,
All these things running through my head,
Who am I? Why am I here? Why am I alive?
Am I even important? To anyone? To anything?
I struggled to find the answer,
Slowly along the way, drowning my demons,
Fighting my fears, meeting myself,
Simply knowing,
Helping the ones who have been hurt like me,
Forgetting the ones who never wanted me,
Cutting myself free from the grasps of the darkness inside,
But I have a stiffening fear I will be back someday,
As I finally stand in the sun again,
But I'm different now,
And the fear melts away,
As I finally walk free of the chains that once scarred my wrists,
My hollow body, heart, mind, soul, fills once more with joy,
And I stop to think, why now? Why here?
But I realize now, the reason for it,
I am content with myself and who I am...
After everything I've been through,
I'm stronger, stronger as a person,
Along this journey I made a friend,
Myself,
And I am good enough for me, and that's all I ever really needed.

I feel a chill run through my body
Knowing that it's you.
My heart skips, flutters, turns
Because we both know what to do.

Our eyes settle locked tight
Gazing straight ahead
Your warming hands melt my skin
And send me down to bed.

All stretched out, you see it now
Before your very eyes
Pure, untouched but beaten down
But to only you, a surprise.

What was untouched by human hands
Was touched by sharpened blades
Cannot be healed in this short time
For that's not how they're made.

But now look past the broken surface
That mended back to one
And see what lies within the depths
That hasn't been undone.