today, on valentine's day
i'm glad i'm back home
because otherwise
i'd probably run into you
in the hallway
or as i'm walking out the door
and you'd pretend you don't notice me
as you lately always do
that
or i'd just be alone in my room
lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling
thinking about how we both live in the same building
and both want each other
but nothing's going to happen.
it's utterly pathetic
and seems to be a common trend for my love life in college
so far.
i'm just ******* because i know this is cliche
but we are so compatible
and i think your hair and laugh and scrunchy smile are adorable
(and those dumb red high tops you always wear that oddly attract me to you more)
and i'm annoyed
that you threw it all away because of your nerves
and honestly who the hell knows
what is it about me that always scares people away?
just one of many questions i am left to ponder
alone in my bed.

Do you really think I'm that dumb?
That I wouldn't notice?
Well I did.
And I don't usually talk to liars
But I just wanted to say
You're really not that good at cheating.

Mass incarceration.
****, I mean institution.
Forced vacation that I can't escape from.
So blessed and stressed, no choice but to blaze on.

Learning those ABC's & 1,2,3's
so I can get my  PhD,
but my mom only needed a ******* GED.
Grades so ******, professor thinks that I want a that D.
But, like *** that GSI is such a QT.

So which one of you liberal *****
do I have to ****
so I'm not ******--
living in the basement working at Starbucks?

Academia has done nothing but convince me
that my mind is empty.
At this point I can't tell if that's a good or bad thing.
Am I forever young and dumb
or is this a temporary vacancy?

The snow set in the barn,
Where the horses once laid
On a cold night, ice spiraled
We tossed,turned, all packed

The troops tamed to acquiesce
Rifles silenced, bullets sacked 
Stocks in deficit, awaiting ambush
Sores overturned and edged in holes

Our nerves dead in the silent night
Risking an aching machine, a body
Pushing to extremities, thrill seeking
My mind numb, body ignited in dumb

Left, right… series audibly recurred
Halting to reflect the extreme valour
A salute to quench and honor a reality
For I once sacrificed my "liberties" for "others"

Look! I see nothing;
A foolish man, I remarked.
A fool, that was I.

when your parents tell you that staying in bed all day is just you being lazy and that you can't use depression as an excuse; stay in bed
when your friends always complain that you never come out but never want to hear about your problems because its depressing; find new friends
when your dad tells you that your career goals aren't real jobs; spend his money on going to school for learning how to paint
if your boyfriend doesn't spend time with you even after you told him how miserable you are; break up with him
when our job cuts your hours, find a new job
when you get the urge to dye your hair, do it
want a piercing? do it
when your doctor tells you that you are past the point of help, succeed not only for yourself but so you can rub it in their faces when you prove them wrong
when you get stuck in a rut, don't let relapsing be the outcome
always call someone for help because being 17 with depression and no one that supports you can be hard.
make new friends
tell your dad to *******
get a new boyfriend
travel
buy records
take pictures
drink with your friends
hug your mom
tell your brother how much he means
burn your collection of 39 suicide notes that you've written over the past year.
tell your best friend that she means the world to you
make sure those in your life know how important they are to you

white people, white people, white people
I chase my drink
It won't come back
white people, white people, white people
here is something metaphorical
allegorical
white people, white people, white people
I heard someone spends thousands
to look like pennies
white people, white people, white people
**** your poetry in the bed
you tell cheap lies in
white people, white people, white people
my god
it's all so wrong