I look out my window,
and it becomes a mirror.
Warm, humid air rises from my heart ,
and clashes with the cold front of my mind.
Pessimistic thoughts whirl with optimistic feelings.
Confliction,
too heavy.
Condensation harmonizes discordance.
Droplets fall,
releasing unbridled doubt and hope.
Rain cascades
Wind whips.
Thunder crashes.
This storm will clear,
in parallel with my vision.

I am not the darkness
I am not the light
I am not the daytime
I am not the night

I'm not happy
I'm not sad
I'm not joyful
I'm not glad

I'm not silent
I'm not sound
I am a circle
But I'm not round

I am fire, I am ice
I'm not mean, but I'm not nice

I have big shoes to fill
I'm trying hard to impress
All of you don't realize
You cause me stress

I work real hard and write it down,
all of my plans
but will I ever be happy
I don't know if I can

I'm writing letters and songs and scripts
I'm writing stories and jokes and quips
I've written so much in so little time
Am I running out of time?

Am I off-key, am I off-pitch
Is it my tone or is my diction missed?
Am I speaking, am I singing, I don't know
Where can I go?

Someday I hope you'll remember me
Someday I hope I will be part of your history
Am I an artist who's doomed to be
Never appreciated until she dies
Why?

I'm not a figment of your imagination
I think I could use a little appreciation
I want to help others like me
When I'm grown
If I'm grown
Who will I be?

I am drowning in letters and papers
all of my stories surround me
drowning in letters and papers
can I ever be happy?
drowning in letters and papers
drowning again
drowning in letters and papers
will I ever reach the end?

will you all remember me?
will I be worth anything to remember?
are you like the one I see
when I look in the mirror?
will you hate me?
will you not understand?
will you pity me before I take my stand?
just keep the pen in your hand
always keep that pen in your hand
you won't ever know what the universe has planned
so just keep that pen in your hand

It’s the least of my worries
Taxing my car
Or saving up for a house
Or remembering that thing
I was supposed to remember
Or anything really
Or passing that test
Getting into that school
Acing that interview
Getting that job
That pays enough
That allows me to progress
Progress?

I hadn’t even thought about that.
I hadn’t thought about any of it.

I think
about one thing
I obsess
I compulse
Or do I?
Is what I do when I
Think about that thing
I always think about
A compulsion?
Because if it’s not then
Can it be called
OCD?
And if it’s not
That means it’s me
And the thing I always think
About
is true

I know it’s irrational
But what if it’s not?
Maybe it just makes me feel better
To think that it is

See, who has time for rational worries
When you’re so full up with
Irrational one’s?

2/15/20

You’re everything that I need,
But are you all that I need?
I question if I even trust you anymore…
Oh Lord! I’ve been here before.

So I’m back where nothing’s new,
Reflecting on how much I believe You.
Last time I argued – put up resistance.
Yet You don’t punish my insolence.

I can be confused and frustrated with You,
So You have to be real and true.
You are not able to be defined,
So you must not be my own design.

God, You engineered my systems,
To pump life through me like pistons.
And I stand before You shaking my fists,
When You control whether my body exists.

But You love me! You tolerate my witlessness.
And I respond – as if taking my first steps –
With downhearted repentance. Lord, I’m sorry,
Without Your blessings, I’d be left in sorrow.

I drive me crazy
- there's no hiding or help
for dark self distrust.

Frightening whispers
are like a levied tax of
doubt about my choices.

Anticipations
dulled on anxieties rough shore
- best to keep them deep.