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I don’t want fame or riches
I just want those solid fixes
I don’t want that perfect house
I only want a way out
That everyday
Clarity
And certainty
That my thoughts aren’t me
Just because you have a bad thought that doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person but it’s hard to see that when you have OCD.
The parrot has 3 billion neurons in its brain
We have 86 billion
And most of mine are busy
forming unhelpful pathways
Misleading my good intentions.
Still, 3 billion neurons
seems like enough room for a few
unruly pathways


The parrot can repeat phrases
Which we thought to be
pretty cool
So we trapped him
and put him in a cage
And in our living rooms
Alone


The parrot knows how to survive happily
Within his world
Within his world, with 30 others of his kind
And a partner for life.
In his world
he would fly with his flock
To trees to pick fresh fruit
Now he perches on his own
And picks dry fruit out of a bowl.
In his world
he would prune his partners feathers
He would look after her
And she him
Now he perches on his own
And prunes his feathers
until there are none left.


Its an unhelpful neuro pathway, you see?
Some form of OCD?
Maybe its a way to cope?
Maybe its the brain spiralling
Trying to figure out what to do
Because it can't be a parrot anymore
It has to learn to be a toy
A talking point
And the parrot doesn't know how to be that
He only knows how to be a parrot
Birds belong in the wild, not in our homes.
It’s the least of my worries
Taxing my car
Or saving up for a house
Or remembering that thing
I was supposed to remember
Or anything really
Or passing that test
Getting into that school
Acing that interview
Getting that job
That pays enough
That allows me to progress
Progress?

I hadn’t even thought about that.
I hadn’t thought about any of it.

I think
about one thing
I obsess
I compulse
Or do I?
Is what I do when I
Think about that thing
I always think about
A compulsion?
Because if it’s not then
Can it be called
OCD?
And if it’s not
That means it’s me
And the thing I always think
About
is true

I know it’s irrational
But what if it’s not?
Maybe it just makes me feel better
To think that it is

See, who has time for rational worries
When you’re so full up with
Irrational one’s?
A poem about my struggles with OCD

— The End —