I couldn't figure out the missing
piece of me until I was driving home
from my childhood home and realized
I didn't actually have a home.
My childhood home was filled with
so many ghosts and a father
who couldn't stay sober for the
sake of my mother, brother, and me.
My home away from home was
filled with so much pain that
I caused on my own
seeing as I was nothing
but a train wreck these days.
I was missing a sense of warmth
in my heart because I had no where
to run. But maybe it wasn't about
running, maybe I should have made
my own home inside my own heart.
Maybe my own body and soul
would be the only home I could
make sure would never crumble.

You are allowed to be angry.

You are allowed to be angry that you missed out on childhood.

That the sound of a slamming door terrifies you.

That the slightest touch of a hand makes you flinch.

You are allowed to be angry that it took you years to be able to look at yourself in the mirror.

You are allowed to be angry at the way you were treated.

You are allowed to be angry at people who hurt you.

You are allowed to be angry.

Sometimes I wish you were never apart of my life.

But if it wasn't for you, what the hell would be left of me?

Would all of the cuts and scratches and scars disappear? All of these ugly, little things that tell my story would simply evaporate?

It's because of you that I can tell the good days from the bad.

And it's because of you I appreciate the small things.

I appreciate smooth roads because I've driven on rocky.

Some days I close my eyes so tight they hurt. I beg and I beg and I beg that when I wake up, all of the bad is gone.

The memories.

The hurt.

The ache.

But I open my eyes and I'm still just here. So I exist.

And some days, that's all I need to do,

Simply exist.

I drank an entire bottle of wine today.
It tasted like loneliness.
It reminded me of when we broke up.
And when I cried myself to sleep for days because you weren't mine anymore.

I drank an entire bottle of wine today.
It tasted like sorrow.
It reminded me of that time when I was eighteen and I saw that you moved on.
And I drank until I couldn't walk every single day that week because I knew you weren't coming back.

I drank an entire bottle of wine today.
It tasted like anger.
It reminded me of the way you didn't care when I walked in on you sleeping with another guy.
And I chased an entire bottle of sleeping pills with a glass of wine because I would of rather died than replay that image in my head.

I drank an entire bottle of wine today.
And I will drink an entire bottle of wine tomorrow; and I will pray that one day I won't have to drink an entire bottle of wine to forget you.

This rosé tastes like I will be texting you two AM
It tastes like I will gather up my thoughts and tell you I am oh so in love with you
It almost tastes like I want to see you and feel your embrace once again

Four glasses in and this rosé tastes like I should be entangled up with you in my California king bed
It tastes like I will send you a three page text confessing things I shouldn't ever say out loud
It almost tastes like we should be up in the middle of the night making pancakes in our underwear

I graduated from rosé onto ***** now, and it tastes like every feeling I have been hiding for the last eight years
It tastes like I should not even have access to a phone where I can text you my heartfelt feelings
It almost tastes like I should go to bed and forget that we even were together

goodnight

he takes one more gulp
finishing the bottle
whiskey dripping from his lips
he looks at you
you are frozen
as he drunkenly stands up
he sharply wipes his upper lip
and then licks them
your eyes look left
and then right
searching for your younger sister
thankfully
she is nowhere to be seen
as the home you shared
was now unsafe
you don’t move
as he takes a step toward you
paralyzed under his watch
you start to sweat
he swears under his breath
and you are beyond nervous now
you hear his belt unbuckle
before you see it drop to the floor
your mind tells you to run
but your feet do not move
his eyes squint at you
as he says, “don’t you think it’s past your bedtime?”
and you silently sit still
praying to God that he will turn around
he does not
in fact, he starts moving in your direction
faster now
and you squirm in your seat
afraid of what comes next
you look into his black, soulless eyes
hoping he will see your innocence
he does not
his zipper is now undone
and his grimy fingers
roughly jerking at your skirt
you are afraid
but the numbness sets in
and your eyes become heavy

one
Be gentle, because they don’t know any better. I know that you’re the child, and I know that you’re scared, and I know that it isn’t your job to be gentile or kind but I also know that being gentile is easier than being angry.

two
Make sure to give up your heart and soul first. Take your feeling and put them into a box, and shove that box far away because God knows that they’ll only heart them anyways.

three
Read well and often. Send your mind into a new, completely different world for a little while. You need it. We all need it.

four
Learn how to be distant. Learn how to love from afar. Being close will only hurt more in the long run.

five
The most important part of loving an alcoholic is loving you first. You are not your parent’s mistakes. You are not what caused them to break so harshly that they turned to a bottle rather than a book, a drink rather than their daughter.

I learned how to love an alcoholic before I learned to love myself. And to this day, I’m still learning.

9 years sober, 9 years without a drink
A daily choice, a daily choice not to drink
Today, today I choose not to
As a child growing up in Aberdeen, northern Scotland in the 60s
Alcohol was the norm – it was the culture
Drink hard, work hard
My father’s father, my grandad was a drinker and fighter, it was all he knew
Work hard, drink hard, never missed a day’s work
Come home on a Friday drunk out his mind, knock my grandma about
My dad as a boy couldn’t stand it, he would run to his aunties
Fear, shame, helplessness, insecurity, sadness, frustration, rage, anger, powerlessness, humiliation
For my father this is where the dance of addiction began, is this where it began for my grandfather 20 years previous?
And so it continues, passed down the generations
Alcohol becomes a coping mechanism, a way to dull the pain, silence the emotions
Escapism, a confidence boost, a way to feel better
Socially he drank, everyone did
He noticed some people could have 2 beers call it a night
He couldn’t
1 drink ignited the need for more, 1 was never enough
A wife, 2 daughters, a career in football
Things would happen, he’d stop for a while, couldn’t maintain it
A divorce, his life spiralling out of control, the drinking spiralling out of control
Rock bottom, rock bottom is usually the turning point, when we admit the alcohol controls us.
That’s when he found alcoholics anonymous and the dance of recovery begins…
The dance out of the darkness
Where he must retrace the steps out that led him in.
AA provided safety, understanding and friendship
A place to share, to feel accepted and heard
A place to learn how to begin to retrace those steps
And he has
To see the man he has become
The man my father is now
I am beyond proud
He changed the culture that he knew
And in doing that he showed me another way

She's hot, He's not
They've got nothing in common
He's out drinking away his problems
She's at home sitting on the bed crying
His seeing other girls
While she's all alone at home
And these two souls
Should be walking separate paths
Both hurt and ache inside
Both mentally troubled in their mind
This situation just doesn't feel right

They're Mr and Mrs's negativity
They've never got anything positive to say
They're emotionally drained every day
Trying to find a smile in these hard times
but in these dark days, it's hard to find a light
And this relationship breaking down
And karma always comes back around
They're gonna drown in the down down
They're Mr and Mrs's negativity
They've never got anything positive to say

She wants everything to be her way
He could care less what she has to say
He wants every girl in his sight
He has no feelings for his wife
She's staring at the clock
Counting down the minutes until he comes home
She wants him to herself
She's hurt, she really loves him
Be he really doesn't give a ****
What she's feeling in her heart
Her tortured soul will be the masterpiece of his art

They're Mr and Mrs's negativity
They've never got anything positive to say
They're emotionally drained every day
Trying to find a smile in these hard times
but in these dark days, it's hard to find a light
And this relationship breaking down
And karma always comes back around
They're gonna drown in the down down
They're Mr and Mrs's negativity
They've never got anything positive to say

He needs money for the bills
She's got thoughts of leaving him
She's got those initial kind of feelings
She still loves him so it's hard to leave
When he is everything she feels she needs
And she knows that she deserves better
She's finding the strength and courage
To walk out of that door and so
She tells him, he will lose everything
He shrugs it off and takes another swig of his drink

They're Mr and Mrs's negativity
They've never got anything positive to say
They're emotionally drained every day
Trying to find a smile in these hard times
but in these dark days, it's hard to find a light
And this relationship breaking down
And karma always comes back around
They're gonna drown in the down down
They're Mr and Mrs's negativity
They've never got anything positive to say

She's got the car packed
Ready to make a change
Find happiness and a future somewhere new
As she goes to walk out the door
He strikes her across the face
She falls to the floor
He raises his voice in anger
You will never leave me you, little *****
Tears run from her eyes bruised and beaten
Mascara streaming down her cheeks
So much weakness in her body
Can't find the strength to pick herself back up
She tries with all her might
But she's stuck lying on the floor

They're Mr and Mrs's negativity
They've never got anything positive to say
They're emotionally drained every day
Trying to find a smile in these hard times
but in these dark days, it's hard to find a light
And this relationship breaking down
And karma always comes back around
They're gonna drown in the down down
They're Mr and Mrs's negativity
They've never got anything positive to say

He's barely thinking straight
Alcohol overtakes his decisions
His eyes, now blurred vision
his sitting next to her on the floor
Too drunk to even stand, his limits
His at his end, he rips off her dress
he gives her every inch
That alcohol breath
She breathes it in, crying and afraid
She can't even think straight
How did it get to this stage
*****, battered and bruised
The one she loved
Completely broke her trust
And now nothing will ever be the same
She'll be haunted by memories
for the rest of her days

They're Mr and Mrs's negativity
They've never got anything positive to say
They're emotionally drained every day
Trying to find a smile in these hard times
but in these dark days, it's hard to find a light
And this relationship breaking down
And karma always comes back around
They're gonna drown in the down down
They're Mr and Mrs's negativity
They've never got anything positive to say

©2017 Written By Benji James

I take the pose of the Madonna,
Anguished limbs hanging heavy
Light and dark

The people behind me hold one another tight
but do not kiss.
Your bed is a vacuous portal:
The coordinate points of collapse
Syrup runs down my fingertips and I cannot –

Faulty connection, a subtle messenger of
Uncertain fate
I am the thread, I am the fury
I cut my bangs with safety scissors over
The bathroom sink.
Silence grows, the day falls, spent alongside idle worry and
acute pains
Fading to a dull ache,
a gravitational pull,
Eggs getting cold in the pan
Muscles that atrophy safe from the light of
Afternoon sun.

Right hand blue,
Simon says.
But it’s just you and me on the edge of
observable reality,
you and I and cable television and white walls and
I don’t
I don’t know where to put my hands.

I feel comfortable when we kiss,
Eyes closed
And I open mine first.
Eyelashes, yours,
And again, you are delicate
How someone might love you,
Gossamer and tangible,
But eyes open again you are a stranger,
Distant as the waves in your irises push me,
As the space between your eyelids
Drown me in the static of synthetic rain to fall
Asleep to at night, or whenever you can,
Amplified.
You touch my skin as if it is plastic.

Eyes closed once more we walk,
My hand in silent combat with yours,
Through the trash covered streets to the train.

We kiss on the sidewalk and the ground shakes.