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honestly all that sounds good is a xanax
nothing is calming me down
my coping skills don't work
i am sober
craving something to make me numb
i hate these emotions
I hate how angry i get
i hate how emotional i get over stupid ****
days like these i want to drown myself
i want to slit my throat and bleed out
because all i want is to be high
so i don't think about death so heavily
so i don't lash out on everyone
i just want to be high
i want to feel numb again
i want to feel nothing
because nothing feels better than what i am feeling
i hate feeling out of control like this
suicidal thoughts are slowly coming back out to play
and thoughts of using are dancing circles in my mind
i can't hide my feelings much longer
the sweet, innocent, happy girl
I used to be, only 5 years ago, is long gone.
Thrown away like a pile of garbage
& replaced by a zombie
Fueled by nothing more than fear, anger, sadness, & anxiety.
Not living; just breathing.
If she knew herself today,
She would be terrified of the monster she'd become
While her dreams were crushed right in front of her
& swept away by suicidal fantasies
And abuse of ecstasy
She saw.
She would probably be wiped away
Because she would have never guessed
She would become suicidally depressed
& at the age of 17, addicted to numbness
That eased her emotional pain.
Cutting, burning, drinking,
Taking so many pills she couldn't even think,
While almost by the minute,
Her anxiety and depression only got worse.
But what would surprise her the most
Was how she could even think of ending her own life,
Because she always knew suicide was never the answer.
But I guess after 2 years of constant anxiety,
Depression, hoplessness, & a life that didn't feel worth living,
It begins to feel like the only option.
Most painful of all,
She would hate to see her own death,
When the tiniest thread
Of the rope that once fully held her life together,
Bringing her hope,
Finally broke.
Crying, dizzy from all the pills she took,
She grabbed her blade and slide it across her throat.
Ending all hope for things to get better.
I'm sorry I'm not you anymore.
It shouldn't have ended this way,
But I couldn't live like that forever.
It had to stop
disclaimer: I haven't gone through some of these things, I based them off little things I went through and what others I know went through.
boringwonderland Dec 2017
kids shouldn't go to rehab at fifteen
but you sent me anyways
which was too many days
I made a best friend there
her name was xollie
she talked of her life in California
how her grandma took her and her siblings in
all the empty bottle pills in the bin
rotten milk on the counter
she felt like she was going to rot away with it
she spoke of living with ghosts
guess it isn't always fun living on the coast
dropping acid and crushing pills
she didn't care if it kills
then there was Jane
from Las Vegas
she told us stories about being high on ****
she wanted the drug to bring her death
she slept in the dirt and hallucinated cops
and airplanes flying above searching
for her, no one was looking not even her pops
two black men told her they'd get her high
if she would just go to their apartment with them
you see Jane was a gem
the only one who didn't see it was her
once she was too high to be able to move
or speak, the mens intentions weren't pure
they tore into her heart
as she cried silent tears
she wishes she could just restart
just wishing to be free of the drug
and these men forcing themselves into her
then there was Chloe
her brother ******* her and her mom in a closet
Chloe thought of not being able to get high
that thought made her want to *****
he had found her bubbler
we stood around a fire
and burned the papers that held our worst memories
Jane doesn't throw her paper in
so I give her hand a squeeze
sometimes we think we deserve all the worst moments
but fourteen year old Jane did not
fifteen year old xollie did not
these are all true, I am still in contact with Xollie, I haven't heard from any of the other girls since I left.
boringwonderland Dec 2017
even at only fourteen years old,
I would finish bottles to myself
the amount wouldn't fit on a shelf
I got too drunk, to be bold
I thought my friend might help
but the last thing I remember
is being led into a chamber
by the opposite gender
I tried to rip my hand away
it didn't phase him
he pushes me on the bed
and then everything goes black
I wake up with puke in my hair
I was alone and bare
I was hurting
it was burning
my stomach turning
he gives me a warning
last night was fun
I had bruises
I want to run
out of my body
I shower until my whole body is ******
but five years later and I do not feel clean
everyone there had seen
what he did to me
not one single word was spoken about it
they let it be
boringwonderland Dec 2017
I remember when your dad would beat you
those were the times I'd see you cry
I just wanted to help you fly
far away from all the hurt and pain
but you just wanted to die
you were a drain
you drained me
I was there for you through hell and back
when things got bad for me you'd just pack
****** nose and drunken nights
remember that time you ran away
took too many drugs and almost died
and you blamed it all on me
I didn't give you those drugs
that made you feel like you were covered in bugs
your the one that cheated on me
I had to be free
from all the unimaginable pain you put me through
I was the one who flew
to get away from you and your blue eyes
a big part of me dies
when you come to this small town
we still hook up every time you visit
when you leave again it makes me want to paint my wrist
with deep red
and to go to sleep in bed
forever
  Dec 2017 boringwonderland
Aoife Teese
driving down a windy road 35 miles per hour at seven thirty in the evening with flowers and balloons in the back seat shouldn't have ended with me being suspended sideways for thirty minutes while they tried to make it safe to get me out of what was left of my first car and no matter how many times i draw a bath i can't get rid of the feeling of my left hand covered in my own blood and the small slivers of glass that are still in my hands or the swollen over-sized bruises that adorn my legs and my face  

and regardless of the scent of lavender and apples i cant look at my damaged body anymore

did you ever really love me at all?
boringwonderland Dec 2017
you told me you changed
i believed you
why am i laying on the bathroom floor
covered in blood
was i too much of a bore
i can’t stop screaming
what is the meaning
of my life
silly me i thought i could be your wife
i let you rip the heart right out of my chest
take the rest
i don’t want to be a person anymore
i hate myself to the core
i shattered the mirror
you’r not near
you didn’t realize that i’m fragile
i want to ****
all the voices inside me
telling me i’d be better off dead
all i’m seeing is dark red
all over the bathroom floor
this won’t be much of a bore
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