I never noticed before
Just how much I like control.
Structure, routine.
These things keep me grounded.

I was always made to go with the flow;
The rules, never my own.
When I flip the pages and read my thoughts
I notice I never liked being torn away from focus.

I loved to sit and work on my passions,
Never cringing at myself for being interested.
I think I learned to dislike my interests
Because others didn't and that was cringe to them.

I was made to follow but told to be a leader,
I'll never know which is better or why.
I don't understand the logic or matter,
Can't everyone decide what's important?

For my parents it was tradition,
What was taught to them
and likely the people before,
The question is where does blame lie?

I would be ripped away from creativity,
To be forced to finish my plate and more,
Promised desserts I never received,
To instead dissociate and remain unfree.

I think this was so damaging to me.

My mom took me back through her thoughts,
Shared stories of how troublesome I was,
She said I always had issues
with being torn away from my tasks.

Tells me it wasn't serious,
But she and others beat my ***.
I have to wonder how I felt then.
I was only three and hurt so often.

I decided to skip the yelling eventually,
I'd go to the corner for thinking differently.
Until I would turn and say okay to my mom,
Who'd laugh at me for being upset.

It's interesting how she doesn't see it.
I have always had a hard time with transitions,
Child, teenager, adult, it's been hard.
And I am going to learn why.

The premise of amounting to nothing,
Can be comforting.
If you think you are capable enough
To affect real change.
And if you are, and
Do not, you are no
Man. And if
None of us act,
We are all ******.

Your actions
Are like a bold pen.
Never erasable.
Always visible.

I feel your strong masculine energy every time you cross my path. You systematically shut down all my
defenses, and hide the key esoterically inside your heart.
I’ve felt a new elevation ever since I said that special prayer.
I began to notice this brand-new hue; the color
wasn’t clear to me at first. This feeling is different than
I’m used to, one that I didn’t understand when we first met.

One day I saw an attractive light, which leads to a
mountaintop high above me. Step by step, I climbed your mountain, with deep ravines and steeper valleys.
Some peaks have tried to block my travels, but I am
making my way beyond your hills.
I want to be born all over again, with you my King,
taking my rightful place upon your regal thorn.

Our souls will intertwine, to complete our sacred mission
from God. We have no choice but to take our place, a place of love that feels just like home.

This trigger “affect” is what’s taking place. You’re the truest essence of my answered prayers. This is not of my time, not
of your time, but in God’s very own perfect balance of power.

Imagine a young fervent swarthy portrayal,
caramel strong un-clad lady,
yet at touch so “douce” and glued
whilst leaning out
from a window
slender rainy on a balcony too urban
pane
And eyes at digital art
Spin a confession
Of how the watered petals of flowers there
do not explain
The origin or calling of the rain
And that its every end or beginning
In her unbetrayal made swayed
Has actually
since always
there
been taking
its rightful place.

The world in that fact
does not have,
find
nor
make relay, sense.

Someone right  on the other side’s
staircase stroll
Would extract their own core
by extending through their ribs own

her beloving so longing and old
that one at last will find it
possessing a too hurtful call.

Head lolled.
Dew owned.

You change moods like the tides

And I am tethered to an eroding *****

Easily pulled by your waves,

you affect me, darling