The closest I'll get to almost opening
That infamous browser app
The one shaped like a stamp
On my LG enV Touch
The wavy blue thumbnail
That one
Or the rotating Earth
The one led by an arrow
On another LG
It's a flip phone
I don't know the name
But the first one I had
I might add
I just did
It's been added
Is probably opening apps
That alert other people
To my sleeping habits
It's five o'clock
I'm out back smoking
And check Instagram
Then remember my mom
Asking me why I'm up
On her schedule
And swipe up as if
She'd be charged for that ****
And she is
What an angel for paying
For me to have
PHONE
Not the same as it was
Frantically tapping before I'm punished
Or I have to say why I did what I did
Same and not in some ways
But as close as I'll get

I want things
But I always wish I had more money
Money buys things
I want things
I need money to get them
But I don’t really want money
I just want what I want
And to get what I want
I need -
Well really, I just need
What I want
There are other ways
To get things
That don’t involve money
But bartering requires
Objects of value to trade
And in lieu of
- I’m fancy -
In lieu of objects
Services could get me things
I want things
I have skills
That don’t make me money
But could get me things
And it’s getting redundant but
I want things
My services aren’t in demand
Not for financial gain
Or as trade so
There's my wishlist
A google doc
Outlining things hoped for
Including links and jpegs and
Descriptions of tattoos
And potential piercings
The motorcycle still weathering the elements
In my friend’s backyard
And the lessons and gear I need before
I could even ride the thing
Seems like a lot already but
I want things
As supported by the list
And as much as I want to not
Want to have money
I want things
And bartering requires
More I don’t have
That I want

five o'clock on Sunday night
we down two bottles of pink ******* wine - classy
Jesus Christ applauds our dedication to his
"this do in remembrance of me" mentality

after four ******* hours of straight communion
we are one with the universe
praying only for security in something
“don't judge me,” she says “don't judge me,”
we've reached that point

we found ecstasy in dizziness - in daydreams
sure enough, we found there was
some kind of magic quality
inherent in these substances
that we were guaranteed to abuse

but it seems we must have been
the worst of marksmen
because I know we matched each other
shot for shot that night
and never once made contact
**** that

we went from being worshiped to ignored -
untouchable
like the ******* gimps of the Hindu caste system
**** Karma
what did we do to be so low?
it didn't make good sense
so we just kept drinking
because that's the only thing that did

Them again
Hooting and hollering
On the block
I can’t believe
I’m bothered by
Their confidence
It’s like they’re
Mocking me
Just for trying to exist
And they’re calling me a *****
Maybe I’m a *****

But I don’t like being in public
I don’t like being in public
Unless I’m making money
Or I’m spending money

I watched an episode and a half before
remembering my laundry in the washer
needed changing over
but the dryer hadn’t finished with the
bathroom rugs
despite having finished its cycle so
I turned the dial around to the dot and
twisted the **** to the right
prompting the rickety dryer to tumble
the dampness from the still-damp rugs
if possible
while my clothing sat off to the side
in a pile to soak and
I hope not but
possibly mildewed

remarkable love
death to depression I sing
wings do grace me still

passive indulgence
over, under, and again
never dying down

I needed to die - apparently
You keep telling me
You’re going to **** me
But I still take your calls
And invite you into my home
Expecting some drama
I’m just glad not to be caught off guard

“You trust that I’m not gonna **** you”
“Of course”
His arms cinched around my neck.
I really wanted to hold out as long as I could
But I couldn’t go more than a couple of seconds
Before my hand slapped frantically for release

-

He’s got his hands on my shoulders
I’m ******* in air
Which is normal
But I’m somehow ******* down air
Yeah, I know I said ******* in air before
Then ******* down
But however I’m *******
I went from tapping his arm to

- I don’t ******* know -

I just died
For a second at least
And he’s sorry
And I don’t know what for
I said that I trusted him
Sure
I was scared
For a second at least
But I didn’t feel anything anymore
Almost as soon as I started to
Worry that I wasn’t really okay

After all of that
All I can ask is,
"Can you crack my back?"

my heart is unreliable
my temperament
suddenly unpredictable
I am sad
and angry
so lost and alone
in a recognizable
but unpitiable way
it is too universal
it can happen
if we all must suffer
the same
then we all have to cope
right?
and we can’t be the first ones
to hurt like we do
and we aren’t likely
to come up with something
completely new
at least we knew
some common knowledge
just common for us
or whatever, whichever us
is the right us for you
and if also for me
wonderful to hear

The washer and dryer mask the sound of Nana and me
Down the three or four steps to the garage
Of the Blackberne house
Her hands on my hands or more likely
Gripping my forearms
As dimples take over my chin
Voice shaking
As she dredges the grief of the day out of me

the first free minutes of the day find me
scrambling for the lighter that will ensure my
good standing with a
young and dumb, restless addict
of the two-years-older-than-me generation

her cigarette hangs limp from her lips
waiting for the fire that I promised her
I had to offer
eyebrows arching
fingers followed by toes tapping
in an anxious less-than-patience

so I fumble through the pockets of my jacket
tapping fingers into gum packets
doing what I can to keep from laughing
at the whole
****
thing

until at last I find the lighter
for the babe who's smoking Marlboros
and says she doesn't care who knows
that she smokes cigarettes

they can say what they want about us
but while the snow may be cold
our hearts are warm
our socks are thick
and our jackets make us look obese
the thing that makes it great
is the fact that we don't care
because the snow
gives us a chance to play God
we simply lie on our backs
and make angels

I tasted just a little bit of *****
as I drank another cider
after ******* in the mint in the front of my house
now, given, I was smoking a spliff
and coughing my *** off
but ******* it tasted mostly of the
three-star chicken Pad Kee Mao
I ate some hours earlier and just barely
of my peanut m&m dessert

you are the lit tip
of one cigarette pressed
against another
you are the reason
I burn

Knockaround shoes in the middle of winter
There’s holes in the toes of my Vans
And the heels of my socks - soaked through
From the puddles I couldn’t avoid
On the way to play a gig at your place
In your basement, it’s only you and your dog

You pick up your bass and play
For an hour out of tune
I could just leave, but I’ll smoke and drink
This coffee from the guy you’re doing
This coconut creamer is sweet enough
That neither of us bothers with
The stevia, agave, or flattery
Typical when men and women
Are as close as we’ve been getting to getting it on
Without getting it on

I love the arch that's in your toes
That tension in your metatarsals
Makes me want to jump your bones
Before we even make it home

After dancing in the dirt
Spending hours kicking dust clouds
You’ve got your shoes off in the van
You’re either filthy or you’re tan
I want to crack your little toes

I want to
crack crack crack crack gasp
In the back of the van
With Hannah Hammertoes
I want to give her release
I think I’ll start with her feet
I don't want there to be tension anymore

Your skin is melting onto mine
We're making puddles on the bench seat
You could have shifted to the side
Instead of pressing up against me

You look ahead and then behind
Not much to see but other cars now
I know there’s other people here
But will they really think it’s weird
If they can see me crack your toes?

I want to
crack crack crack crack gasp
In the back of the van
With Hannah Hammertoes
I want to give her release
I think I’ll start with her feet
I don't want there to be tension anymore

soft spoken kisses
buried in my neck and
across my face
remind me of happiness
joy I found
in a golden shock of hair
and two lips stuck red
on the face of a woman
who swore that she loved me

tight tight nights
of hold-me-close sensations
remind me that
I haven't always been alone
and even more
that I don't always have to be
but I am
touching skin to skin
and passing witty banter
for flirtation
takes our minds off
the fact that we aren't
each others soul mates
or lovers
or anything more than friends

we are distractions
from the painful reality
that we have no one
to pour ourselves into
no one to cradle
no one to ****

for just this moment
we pretend
we can be that for each other
supplying what we can
to keep up with demands
of love
affection
attention

after all
that's what friends are for

she calls it
the BIG V
a ****** name
tasteless
but accurate
it is
BIG
very
B
I
G
stretched out
used
sold for such
a low price
*****
*******
*****
****
****** deviant
not exactly
a role
model
not some
saint
by any means.
I've seen it.
perhaps I will
never have
***
if other women
look like that
vaginas
like gaping holes
holes so large
it makes your
*****
seem superfluous
a thin branch
against a muggy
night sky
"did you bring
protection?"
she asks
I can only imagine
why she should
ask me that
am I in danger?
what monsters lurk
in that
bottomless cavern?
I want no part
in this expedition
I do not want to go
spelunking

silence in the skies
plumage floats in little tufts
great cat stalks away

Heather has this bluebird
loves her so much
mostly since she’s always feeding her
not even sure the bird’s female
just what Heather thinks

after biking around Portland
seeing so many dead squirrels
and bluebirds
being eaten by crows mostly
and maggots

it is nice to see a bird
excited to be around people
that wants attention
that wants walnuts mostly
but squawks happily around us

happy as I am to see this bird
I can’t help but think of
the birds I’ve seen as roadkill

so as Heather scatters walnuts
I see it in the courtyard:
a dead bluebird
the bluebird has been picked open
its bones bare
maggots feasting on its carcass

from its body comes another
just the same
but living
it hops over to the walnuts
scattered in the courtyard
and squawks its appreciation

the flower is old
splashes of pink are not so
petals fall away

here's to a package of
Marlboro Reds
in the hands of
someone other than
the Marlboro Man
standing in
for those slack-jawed outlaws
my heroes now lack jaws
tongues
lungs

I swear it's been too long
since I inhaled manhood
The Great Darrell Winfield
rolled
packed
and filtered
into the only thing I know
that makes a man a man
the essence of
cowboy boots and farmer's tan
in every drag

see, I inhale my heroes
all the dusty red-necked
cowboys
Darrell Winfield
and my dad
men whose lives
went up in smoke
to coat my throat
in my own self-righteousness
I'm frightened this
is all that I'll have left
of him
lung cancer
and the lingering stench
of cigarettes

he always smelled
of cigarettes

he'd pull me into these
firm embraces
he held so long
that he'd suffocate me
in tacky business
and cigarette smoke
masked only
faintly
by a poor man's
cologne
still I breathed him in
until I'd start to choke
it was too much man to handle

my grandpa told me
“smoking doesn't send you
straight to Hell,
but it sure does make you smell
like you've already been there”

he was
a grown man
cursing
crying
lying
dying by himself
trying to drown out the inferno
with a case of beer
but sobriety finds you sometime
and I'd rather suffocate in cigarettes
than lose him altogether

and even if he smells like Hell
at least that means he made it back

the moon can wink
I swear it's true
at least I think
it winked at you
I wish the sun
could wink as well
but on the sun
it's hot as hell
and with that heat
his eyes are closed
and cannot open
I suppose

little birds work their way up her neck
as if her ear would give them
the rest they deserve
their colors are fresh
ink is set
clearly their flight
has not been long enough
to make them fade
vibrant
but hidden by hair
not quite long enough
to obscure them
just long enough
to give them shade
from time to time

I long to give those birds
the rest they deserve
to lend them my lips
as a momentary resting place
on countless occasions
in the years to come
I long to give them hope
to show them that their flight
their constant motion
is unnecessary
and that it is ok
for them to settle down

if all I was supposed to be
in your life
was an extra
I would happily pass you
on a street corner
if that meant I was somehow a part of your life
but I am more than that
to you
and you are more than that
to me

we are both heroes
of different epics
striving toward different goals
who have lifted each other up
rather than simply passing each other
on street corners
you didn't just serve me coffee
I didn't just catch your eye
we are more than that
whatever that means

and I love you
it is strange I should say so often
'I love you'
but it is my
constant reminder of
intelligence
superlative ability
and camaraderie
we are neither military men nor animals
we are the rewards of our labor
you of mine
and I of yours

The sun wants to eat us all
The sun wants to eat us all
It would have happened quite some time ago
If the Earth wasn't quite so small
The sun wants to eat us all

It paralyzed my love, as
She stepped in view of the sun
I ran to save her, but I fell myself
Is my spirit strong enough
Is my spirit strong enough

I panicked at the thought that
You might lose your light
I was aware that my body was there but
Yours wasn't by my side
Yours wasn't by my side

So I pushed my arms
And legs to the limit
I was traveling at light speed
But couldn't do anything to
Bridge the galactical gap between us
I couldn't keep up with you
It’s like you travel at lightspeed too

We flickered off and on with the
Enormity and heat of the sun
Then her outline flared as the fire and air
Overcame everything she was and
We were muddled up in the sun

It was a fiery faceless sea
But there’s a part of you I recognized as me
That made incineration feel like ecstasy
You did away with my egoic truth
I was content to think I’d be consumed
                  
Until out of the miasma as two beams of light
We sped through outer space to what we left behind (as us)
Instead of the intensity of being one
We chose the selves we couldn't stand to lose
Not to the fear of our impending doom

he collects unopened packs of playing cards
that sell him this experience of
hyperventilating with the hope of something invaluable
popping up in an unexpected pack of playthings

                                                               ­                     “They’re collectibles!”

the customer’s wringing his fingers
like he’s pulled the crank of some slot machine
promised to pay out big

                                                            ­                                      “THIS TIME!”

as he rips the packaging
to get at the meat of his purchase
card after card fanned before him
plainly shows his gamble

                                                               ­                                  “Didn’t pay off
                                                             ­                                     this go ‘round.
                                                         ­                           ***** to **** and all,”

he gets the thrill he paid for
but still walks away with less somehow

there's something to being happy
smiling with all twenty-eight pearly whites
laughing so hard
that our abs begin to burn
hiccuping
and choking
and crying
as we tend to do
looking away every time our eyes meet
and giggling to ourselves
because we know it's not that funny

it's that feeling of euphoria
an abnormal feeling of
buoyant vigor and health
a feeling we cannot control
but we welcome that helplessness
because we know it can't last forever
and no matter who we pray to
or what we say
or what we accomplish
we only have this moment
to feel the way we do

Whenever I need to
Take a number two
(That’s a poo)
You can bet your rear
That I go in fear of
Something near enough to
Sink its fangs into my ***
Toilet snakes!
They’re hiding in the drains
They’re coming for my bottom
I can’t get them off my brain
It’s bad enough that **** is shaped
Exactly like a snake
A ***** ***** cylinder
That could be filled with venom
Or with what I ate
For dinner yesterday
It’s finally digested
Now it looks that way
scream
It’s a snake!
scream
It’s a snake!
You’ve got to flush that **** away

You actively procrastinate
Most everything you do these days
You really can’t put this off
To live instead of
Dying - as the one ambition you achieve
Why -
Should this be the one project
You actually complete?
Ambition ought to carry us toward something
Sure -
We could carry ourselves toward death
But we say that as nothing
To aim to achieve to be nothing
Enticing
Of course - to bereave ourselves of ourselves
Once and for all
And forego the work
Though we chose it
And choose it again
Choose it again

the sun is up
and I hate it
return me to the deep blue
of about 5:00 AM
seven is bright enough
I see why some people
would work in this light
but it’s more light
too much light - the
sun in my eyes looking
into the same sky
that offered a universe
hours ago
it offers a bright blue
and light
that illuminates
what is before us, but
the universe is lost to us
daylight forces our perspective
suddenly bickering
and industry
waking dreams
populate our waking moments
and what is before us
takes precedence over
likely dead stars
too far off for you
to have known
far off friends
we lost so long ago
before the sun
usurped them
yes
far off friends
already dead
but somehow preferable
to whatever this
blinding light
and unbearable heat of
the day bothers to offer

Human and insect
Beware:
Unwarranted touch is
Not species specific
Do not
******* touch me
As some kind of surprise

Spiders in earshot
Arachnids might just as well
Be ******* insects
Your critter legs can
Creepy-crawl all over but
Don’t ******* touch me
Don’t fixate hundreds of eyes on
Me, *****, you don’t know who you’re ******* with

For you to take any piece of me
Feels like a loss
So your life for my toe is winning
But not

*******
Not a problem
**** wit
And you’re gone

the spider in the corner
by the ceiling
but not on the ceiling
was expected
but the one that
crawled from beneath
my desk drawers
only to linger
just between the
hidey-hole below him
and the whole -
well, the whole ******* desk
really got me
and I hope he hides
because I'm excitable
a skyward dash
might just as well
be a death sentence
but more power to him
if I'm unaware

How often I
Get into cars with drunk people driving
I shouldn’t be surprised by
The people who have faith
In other questionable ****
Jesus may be just as inevitable
As the wreckage to come
Just not today
Never today
Still - y’know, statistically
I put my faith in just as
Logically indefensible ****

Virginia is for lovers says
A sign below the freeway
On our way to the beach

My friends and I all
Think it over and
We agree
There is no love here

See boys and girls can
Stand around like
Royalty
Princes and queens


But no prince charming’s ever
Gonna live up
To her expectations
He can’t do it right

So she tells him
Don’t you dare boy
Hold my hand boy
He’d do anything he could to
Make her happy

It seems she’s getting *****
From the coal dust
On his fingertips
It’s all on her dress

Her daddy never said
A prince could look like this
So I guess he won’t approve

They may be the blessed ones
Or they may be the cursed
I can’t imagine which way’d be
Worse for them to be

‘Cause we keep trying to decide
Between what’s right and what is good
For me to do what’s right by you
And you to do right
By me too

Until we’re shouting
I just want the truth
Give it to me baby

Tell me, do you love me
Or is that too much
To ask of you
To let go of
The things they say

That I don’t love you
When I love you
And I’ll love you til
The day I die

I swear it’s true girl

Pretending that you’re better
Doesn’t seem to be much better than
Just being yourself

‘Cause how’s a guy
Supposed to know
If he’s in love with you
If you were always
Being someone else

Virginia’s not for lovers
Least not how I see
It was the things you said
Misleading me to think
You loved me

That’s what you said
But what you really meant to say
Is that you

Really didn’t care
One way or another
It’s not like you and I have
Feelings for each other

Still I guess I’d like to know
Where in Virginia did
All of the lovers go

You never said what made you heart react
That one time
When you heart reacted to that video
The video on Instagram?
You didn't interact with anything I sent for
Maybe twenty videos, y'know
I know - I send too much
But finally I got one right
I wanna get it right again
With zero context pretty much
You'll get a lot of
Like just lots of
Tons of really
Martial arts reels - exhibitions
And jokes like that one
You know the one
You double tapped it
Pull it up
In your activity
Your likes
It's really funny
But not -
No I saw that too, but it's -
No, I think -
Maybe? Wait -
No, you should check your messages
Impatiently
Your messages, uh-huh

Every moment of your life
Could be a different moment
Is a different moment
In your very own Spider-Verse
TVA-pruned timeline
Marvel garbage science

Assuming that's reality
I roll up a spliff and smoke it
I roll up a spliff and don't
I smoke just the cannabis
Or smoke tobacco
Or don't smoke at all
Unlikely here and now, but
I could choose to
Choose not to smoke

And every choice I make
I also didn't
So potentially I'm something
Or else something else
But everything I am
Or I become
I'm not
And I will never be

To breathe
Or not to breathe
To clean the house
Or finally apply for jobs online
Once I update my resume
Or make some kind of tangible progress
Or none of that
Some version of none of that

Okay, you want to live again
Same question as before:
What for?

I know you’re asking me

Of course I’m asking you -

You see I’m also asking me
Because I’ve answered this before

You’ve also given reason why you shouldn’t

Well, I wasn’t asking you
I’m asking me
And I’ve done a lot of things
I always thought I wouldn’t

But now getting back to me

Of course
It’s always about me

It is

I know
Sometimes I just get bored exploring
“What is wrong with me,” or
“What might make me want to live”

I think there must be some reason

I think there must be some reason

Even you?

Of course you would, but still I wonder

Yes, I wonder

So what for?

Much the problem with connection
If only tethered by affection
Or some pleasurable action -
If there is no obligation
Without pleasure or affection
Should I not just altogether
Discontinue interaction?

I have wondered

I have wondered

There’s continued interaction

And still
Much of it is pleasant
But this isn’t necessarily
Sufficient reason for existence

So you, ask

As if you would rightly know

To be, with reason
It might be said then
Is something beyond you

And beyond me

I think so too

But still
Some reason ought to do-
Regardless if it’s me or you
To think of it

I have to choose

So anything?

Not anything

Then anything that comes to mind?

There must be joy
That we can find in what we do
If I can say what ought to motivate us
You
Or me
Or I
Or somehow us together
Living to enjoy the being
Doing not to cement or gain
Or fight so often
Being for the light and wind
That make clouds, trees, and grass dynamic

For the wind again
For the flight it makes possible

Yes
Even birds could not be what we hope to see
Without unseen
Often unappreciated
Natural forces that peak our interest
Only because of some spectacle

And there is much spectacle