Why are you sad?
    He asks the man in the mirror.

                                         I’m sad for the times that have passed
    And the times that I’ve missed.

                           I’m sad for the times I missed
    Because I was too busy being sad.

                          I’m sad for the people I love,
    As they age away into decay.

                              I’m sad for the people I’ve lost,
    Because I know they’re not coming back.

                                   I’m sad for what I know is coming
Because I know I can’t stop it.

I once heard that stupid song played
In a car
On repeat

I've grown to hate it.

Of course, I can live without you.
No. It's not lonely up here
It's brimming over with life

Without you.
You meant nothing.
I gave you a chance.

You tried to hurt me.
Your mistake.

You did not fix me.
How can you fix a piece of jade
Crevaced with gold?

You can't.
My cracks and imperfections
Make me all the more valuable.

I used you.
You did not use me,
You utter hypermasculine fool.

Her words were
Most definitely
Never meant for the
Likes of you.

My father taught me
A lot of things.

In my youth,

He taught me to care for myself
Before anyone else

He taught me that I am whole
That I am worth so much more
Than a compliment from a boy
With complicated feelings.

He taught me to fight
If I had too
To strike the thigh just so
And break his nose

How did he know it would be a he?
Why didn't he tell me?

As I grew and left his wing
He taught me more
But of life

He taught me that
The hand that feeds
Should be bitten,
if it beats.

He taught me that
He wouldn't be here forever
And I cried

He taught me that
I was strong enough to take them
(and if I wasn't, my mother would bury his body.)

He taught me that
He could cry too
When he and I realised we wouldn't be able
To just go a floor and bug the other

He taught me that
Human beings are difficult
But the relationships are worth it
When you both try

As I aged and graduated
He was caught between letting me go
And letting me hold on while I could

He taught me that
My mother wanted only the best for me
Even though I couldn't see it yet

He taught me that
They were growing older

He taught me that
Patience and consistency and effencicey
Is key when you want it

He taught me that
They were proud of me

He taught me that
Depression gets the best of us
Even though I remember him calling it
A cowards way out.

He taught me that
He loved me.
He loved me more than life itself.

He taught me that
While he couldn't fight my battles for me
He would fight my demons to the death
Whether they were human or imagination.

He taught me that
While I could obviously stand alone on my own
I didn't have too
And I didnt want too.

He taught me
I still didn't know
What I'd do when he was gone.

It's funny.
I was born
Within a loving family

Only child
Learned to be alone.
But, there was nothing wrong.
I had a guardian dog and doting parents
Despite their unavailability.

I hit high school
First boyfriend.
He took something that I can't regain.
So, I learned to carry on.

I just wish I'd met you first.

From the age of 14
I learned to bury my hurt
To bury my anger
To bury my shrinking heart.

I just wish I'd met you first.

I hit college
Things are looking up
I'm 20 something now and my past
Is far behind me

But, wouldn't you know it
Some self-indulgent prepubesent boy
Has made me his home.

I buried it too.

I just wish I'd met you first.

I buried my indignation
I buried my rage
I buried my hatred of the human race.

I just wish I'd met you first.

But then I met you,
You were funny,
And sweet,
And you could keep up with me.

Then we got closer.
And closer.
I realised that not all men are evil pigs.
I wished I met you first.

You brought out my best,
You gave me smiles and laughter,
You taught me to be free.

But.
My freedom comes with a cost.
I should have known.
14 years of shoving my feelings and abuse,
It left me angry.

Angry enough that I could scream
Scream so loud that all who could hear me
Their ear drums would burst

So they could feel my pain
My violations
My innocence ripped away

So they could feel how I feel
I can't be silent anymore
And I know I'm prone to bouts of violence.

I do apologise,
I know it's scary.
To go from soft and patient

To deadly and searing.
With the glint of something
Sharp and metal
In my peripheral.

I know in my heart that
You're good and kind.
That you'd die before you hurt me.
So I apologise for troubling you.

But, at the same time I don't.
Hear my war-cry,
Understand I will take your blood
Before someone else takes mine.

How terrifying it is
To fear you will be destroyed
By a single man

So terrifying
In fact
You destroy yourself.                
First.

Break me
down.
Rebuild me
in your image.
Make me
your masterpiece.

As a female,
I am seemingly
always

In danger of
Battery,
****** assault.

Yes.

I shouldn't
Pump gas alone at night.
Or glance at strangers.

Yes.

I should
Keep my eyes down.
Stay away from isolated areas.

Yes.

I shouldn't
Walk down an alley
Even if it's a shorter.

Yes.

I should
Keep my pepper spray with me.
Go out of my way for you.

Yes.

Lest I lose my chastity,
What a shame that would be.
How worthless could I be.

Yes.

I  am always
In danger of
Battery,
****** assault.

But aren't we all, my dear?

You see, theres something
They don't know about me.

No.

They won't know
about the blinding rage
Which fills me on the chance that I see a bully.

No.

The rage that my mother
Had to teach me
To keep in check.

No.

They just simply don't
understand
Those years and years of
Classes which might have kept me thin.

No.
They just simply don't
understand

No.

Even though
I am indeed female.
Fragile
Frail
And fertile.

No.

Though they might know
I'm only 5'2.
I'm ripe for the taking
(If they watched my weekly grocery trips well.)

No.

You see,
I stopped growing when I was nine
So trust me,

I have years of rage
Built.
Bubbling.
Waiting.

No.

You could even say,
I've been waiting
For the chance

To claw your eyes from seeing
Those you might think to be weak.

To scar you in your ivory tower.
Lest you ever feel safe in the dark again.

To spear you like you'd
hoped I'd let you pierce me.

You see, sir.
I genuinely don't care who you are.
No means no.
And no is a no.

So, sir.
I just needed you to
Step down.

Yes.
I was waiting.

And look,
Now we're on even ground.

Hello!
I have A.D.D
Attention deficit disorder, or so I'm told.

What does that actually mean, you ask?
Well...
I am a genuine, 110% dopamine
addict

Yeah.
No.

I will end jobs, relationships, and conversations
When I get bored-I dont even mean too!
I don't mean to be cruel,
Trust me. I'm not autistic or psychotic,
I just get bored

a lot.

That means
A.) I have a lot of difficulty regulating my emotions.
And trust me, I'm more sorry about drop-kicking my laptop in the middle of a meltdown.
More than you'll ever be.

B.) But, I may not look very A.D.D.
I likely won't suddenly shout
I might get anxious in crowds of people
I may stop mid-sentence to stare at lights
I'll forget just about all the important things.
I'm sorry.

C.) I have a tendency to sometimes regulate your behaviours.
No, it's not OCD
And does my heart beat feel a little fast to you?

D.) I absolutely, positively
Hate
Living like this.
I should understand social cues
I should know that 1+1 equals 2.

I know I should know that.
But my brain disagrees
So trust me,
Sometimes I just want to die.

E.) I seem to hate doing everything,
The dishes
The trash
The laundry
F.) I forgot to take my medications again,
I should have set an alarm but
I forgot.

G.) Please. Just
Go away.
Everything is so loud
Everyone keeps touching me
Everything is happening at once inside my brain.

H.) I will often need your help.
You're normal
You understand why they said one thing but did another and meant something complete different.
Am I having a heart attack???

I.) I am struggling
Struggling to understand why you are so angry
When I swear I told you
I had plans today.
Why aren't you happy I remembered I had plans?

J.) I'd ask jesus christ for help,
But didn't he make me this way on purpose?

K.) I think these medications might be killing me.
Did you hear about the 10 year old
That keeled over from an adderall-heart attack.

L.) Let me spell it out for you,
But one second
I just realise I could hang Christmas lights off of
Our front-door wreath.
Let me live, please. I can't breathe and my lungs are crying from the vyvanse.

M.) Maybe theres more to it
Maybe I'm just a horrible person
That can't seem to find the perfect relationship.
My o my, I think I'll just lose a few pounds. Maybe I just don't need to eat today

N.) No. I don't know what you're talking about
I saw a crow fly by the window
Then I noticed the little display in the garden
Maybe it runs off of batteries?
I think I needed to buy batteries today
No. I wouldn't possibly understand anyways.
I'm too dumb and out of breath.

O.) Oh! Did you know
****** only had one *******?
Did you know about global warming?
Did you know
My hair is falling out from my medicine?

P.) Please!
I got this in the bag.
I just need to look deeper into this question.
Then I'll have my answer
Please, body. Keep up. I just want to be normal.