My wish is that this sadness that i invoke is unknown to me.

I'd prefer the numb versus the never ending thoughts of
                          
                                  suicide.

My mom once had a dream,
A daughter quite not like me.
She hoped for a girl, oh so bright instead of spite.
She hoped for an offspring to carry on the family name and change for the better. Instead i've chosen the road less considered, abandoned almost. I walk it alone, a pack of cigarettes and not a worry at all.
I lack courage and bravery.
I lack forewarning and a conscience.  
I lack heart and therefore have no feeling whatsoever.
I lack meaning and therefore have chosen to **** myself.
I lack the knowledge that i was never really here, alive, existing--
Oh how disappointed my dear mother must feel..

After Fall, Winter
and I haven't changed a bit
lipstick stained coasters crowd
the cluttered memories of your skin
smooth as the first time we kissed
do you remember that?

Don't come over.
I've gone into Psychosis & shan't wake up.
I don't how long I'll be
But it is not your face I want to think of.
I swear this is not game nor reverse psychology!
As I shout hysterically at the moon
Who betrayed the sun for its perpetuating fear of noir.
A shadow will write a prescription for all to be well.
I'll take it twice a day, medicating this soul
rambling to be let out of its cage.

Wuthering secrets of long past times
Forgotten romances of heartened crimes.
Christening crinkles twilling frosted echoes atop damped dervishes of your fragile mind.

Shelling out are withering bones of decaying, eternal, mindless vines.
Encasing slithery crevices eradicating dusted  wintered shadowed lines.

Binding the sainted ****** where upon the shore of gloried day breaks of the lost door.
Listen to the howls of the wind--
as all of creation stirs about & about
Never the less, simply this.
To again, never to.

Driven off the cliff of insanities thrills unto the shivers of the unrested, splintered and torn.
Forevermore, oh how dreadful!
Namelessly unplaced, vacantly ashamed! Lonely and untamed, gratefully kept at bay!

Vines swindle & slither along my spine
Clawing & Raking thorns into my thighs.
When will I  realize?
That I am no good, too fat, not thin enough.
I'll wander this Earth, lifetime after another
until I'm emaciated as the rings of Saturn.
Only then will I be thin.

Please bury me in this sadness
Bones aching of all the madness
Not sure of happiness
No rest for the sufferers
I long for my brother
his pain screams louder than mine
But i am barely breathing
gasping for clarity
in a cloud of monoxide
Not glimmer of hope in my eyes
Too dry from all the tears I've cried.
I swear I never lied
if not to save my life.
Burdened of my mothers strife
a ragged bladed knife
Repeatedly stabbing my heart
ripping my world apart
Where must I go when I feel so alone?
18 years old without a home.

With these vacuous sentiments
I sweep the remnants of myself
(rust and stardust)
you meticulously unravelled
and scattered in crevices of this 33sqm room.

I don't think I can go on
no, not anymore mon cheri.
therein lie a hole that appears to bore and burn my entire existence.
How could I dare steal another breath?
Demons whisper desires upon the rim of my ear
Do you know what they say?

To not feel alive is to jump into the roaring sea, unafraid.
To feel alive is to pull the trigger, blindfolded.
I am incapable of either for I chose to feel everything at once.
A curse I regret to inform you
I would never take back
because to feel everything mon cheri
is to feel you, here, your love, this.

When she told me she loved me
I didn't believe her.
So i killed myself instead.
A fairy came to me & whispered enticing secrets in my ear.
He outlined a closet upstairs
where I live alone inside my head.
Tidal waves of white roses grow in & out my of spine.
Suffocating the fishes prancing in a field of raving vines.

Lunar Lullaby plays hopscotch in a cloud of flies.
She licks cherry red ice pops & sings bird hymns to oak trees withering in the wuthering skies.  
Swarming dragon-lies fly in lakes upon Monet's canvas.
There he paints a beauty of Thumbelina whose grave resides in the darkest corner of my empty heart.

A red cape looms above & flutters without wings.
My cave is growing vaster
And so I sail amongst its seas.
This Psychosis is no more wearing thin than Rigor Mortis can begin.
I'll live sedentarily as a maid serving rotten apples to men chained as apes.
A lotus will float on by down this bloodstream & into the night.
As a crater on the moon your corpse died suddenly as when fruit bloom.

Shadows croak to be released from the shallow corners of the wooden chest.

A crate crafted to store the bearings of my toys, now tis the home, the safe haven of my only companions.

Cursed and abandoned, left damp and withered.
Whispering
              screams
                        and
                              echoing secrets of despairing joy.

Humid affection and calloused fog the shadowy shallower corners.
Anxiously awaiting, simply waiting.

Perhaps for the shadows to rid the porous wisteria
                                        
                                         decaying
      
                                                           where my soul should have been placed.

Last Night was a warm night, high vibes and good laughs. The moon full and my head empty,  I lit a cigarette and finished my glass.

These nights don't happen often.

Famished--
you have me.
Dehydrated from your touch,
you have drained me entirely.

Knowing not how deserted I have
placed myself deprived of relief
will you attest to my suffering?
******* my skin--
will you carry my heart like you
rattle my bones (when we kiss)
I am not mistaken
nor foolish for wanting to stay.

I let the ashes burn me
To remind me of the pain
This life is never ending
Climbing ladders w/o a gain
Losing myself with each step
Higher & higher there i go
Departing from my skin
Gone with the wind down below
Its getting harder to breathe
As the ladder becomes steep
I wonder who i'll be
When theres nothing left to climb
And i cannot see underneath.

I'm running out of ways
To poetically admit
that i still hate myself for loving you.
I'm running out of space
to occupy the new scars
that relieve the pain i feel for you.
I'm running out of energy
to cry the tears i feel
when alone & not with you.
I'm running out of patience
this infinite abyss
will soon encompass me.
I'm running out of time
I no longer can wait --
spare each despairingly moment
without you.
I'm running out of love.
How long must I wait?
Do you have any decency for the pain i am to bear?

Every year the mosquitos come back to feast.
They make home in spare water and lie eggs.
The mosquitos feast upon our acidic flesh with envy.
Have you ever wondered why the mosquito keeps returning to feast upon us?
Perhaps our flesh is tough and a challenge found enjoyable by the insect.
Maybe the mosquito finds  pleasure from our blood.
Maybe we have a unique taste thats mesmerizing.
Perhaps the mosquito returns every year to feast upon us in envious pity, for even the mosquito knows a numb life is a lonely life.
There's comfort in the mosquito, the mosquito has hope.
Unlike the mosquito I dont possess such a thing. I am meaning less & beautiful. A corpse, I am cold and dark.
My blood is as Cold, as the mosquito.

Comfortability

As I stripped down to my bare necessities & took my last breath I thought...

Its  not what may be lurking in the depth of the ocean that frightens me but the
                        vast darkness & silence
                                       that succumbs you when plunged into the cold sea.
I never expected to feel so small.

Its dark. Buzzing of voices zoom and echo about the tunnel. Quacking and rumbling are my insides until churned splat into roadkill. Even the vultures prefer not to feast upon my limp, ****** corpse.

I'm not me anymore, I can't remember what she was like. I read somewhere that memory loss can develop from Depression, otherwise I've developed a subconscious talent for suppressing meaningless occurrences. Bravo.

Death couldn't save me, be lucky if It could. Combine Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd along with Where is My Mind by The Pixies to generally summarize the agony i feel.
Teen angst and un-satisfaction.
A crave unfed, a thirst unquenched.
I've been beaten to the point where I enjoy it, I practically lust for it.

Life and happiness are imaginarily irrelevant. I don't want it, I never did.
I want to feel, whatever. I've been numb for too long. Almost a year by September.

Dear God, spare me will ya?
I forget, I'm an Atheist.

A girl fell down a hole
              Last Thursday's forecast too cold
A lighthouse danced on the shore
                        Engorging
                                  shadows
                                             not
                                                  seen
                                                         before.
           This skin is parasitic.
                                        
                                         Terminal.

Some angels fly and patrol the heavens i presume.
But i'm sure some angels walk amongst us.
They feel as we do, consume poisons and ache over sleepless nights.
They hallucinate and scream silent death wishes.
They have miserable birthdays, cursing the gift of life.

Existing rather.

Wrap me in the depths
of your haunting eyes,
drown my frame
in the layers pf your bedsheets,
You may imprison me with lies
but I am enthralled
with the fragility you effortlessly hide.

Sometimes i find myself too sad
I have to force my lungs to inhale the stale air of my dark, lonely, humid bedroom.
I have to make myself walk to the
bathroom and you know.
I have to force my limbs to turn the shower faucet on and take my clothes off so i can bathe.
I have to remind myself often that this shell i exist in needs food & water.
Some days i find it hard that i just cant. I couldnt. I become so tired even sleep couldnt suffice my exhaustion.
On those days my skin becomes a texture of plastic and i begin to pick at myself.
You'll often find me jumping with angst.
I'm just waiting for the pills chased by a bottle of ***** to kick in.
This time--

I placed the roses you gave me
in a vase on my bedside
unaware of the pistol
you placed in my mouth
until I pricked my tongue
on a thorn.

For the girls tattooed as one.

I’m traveling north: beyond the sky.
above the horizon, bleak as the night.  
I’ll sail amongst the stars,
splashing about in their dust to heal these scars.

I’m traveling north: to escape fate
like moths to flames, I am to blame.
I’ll burn my deathbed atop Jupiter’s clouds,
floating flames of pyres igniting my soul.

I’m traveling north: to preach the testament
of a girl abused as a child. Reasons, she’ll never know.
I’m traveling north: because of the forgotten warrior:
a guardian bruised, stolen from humanity & abandoned to fight for sanity.

I’m traveling north: upon the waves of a lion’s roar,
the tide of the mighty echo, the righteous, the torn.
I’m traveling north diving overboard,
cursing the man who sought my freedom for a greater reward.  

I’m traveling north: to visit Abigail’s soul,
to skip and share secrets with a girl I once shared a home with.  
I’m traveling, traveling, traveling
traveling, traveling, traveling.

A nomad in search of gold.

There's not enough time a day
to be the girl I am.
Seeking a second pay to support her ravenous game.
She requires two feeding times a day:
A Bottle of Cyanide to soothe those demons cold.
A Bottle of Virginity to restore her veins of purity.

I often see shadows, racing across my mind. Leaping out from the corners of alleyways I've left behind.

Wondering if I see them still at all, these shadows they remind me of how i once lost it all.

I cannot keep them locked away for they know that silly game, of cobwebbed skeletons lying friskily, deep inside my cave.

Oh How I struggle! To keep the shadows at bay. Oh How hungrily they grow! whilst i try to run away.

But in the end they always find me, during the sunset of everyday.