There is a lot of
Meaning in the four small words
"I didn't sleep well"

When the boy you like shows up with a hickey on his neck,
do not linger.
I know what it is like to be in that state of limbo
Between hope and surrender
When every time he puts his arms around you it feels like the stars have aligned and all is right with the world.
But also when his eyes brush over the cute waitress' body for just a second too long
It feels like your chest just opened up to reveal a shriveled heart.

And let me tell you that it is not worth it.
Because while you sit at home imagining his hands on the back of your neck,
He's in the back of a car with his lips on someone else's throat.
You will spend hours,
days,
remembering every little thing he's ever said to you,
And he will almost forget your name the next time he sees you.

Darling let me tell you
that you deserve better.
You deserve someone who will repeat your name in their sleep.
His hands will feel different
but they will be warm unlike the ice cold ones of your imagination.
And if you're lucky,
you will have plenty of hickeys of your own.

"Whenever you're stressed,
you internalize it to your gut"
my doctor told me.

My mother always said:
"You feel everything in your stomach."

And it all makes sense now,
How I got knots and twists,
when you said goodbye.
And how I got nauseous,
when I saw you holding her hand.

But if that's true,
why does my chest hurt so much?

My eyes were bloodshot and you told me I needed more sleep
And that's when I realized that you weren't who I thought you were
Because I always thought of all the people
You would understand
That some nights are not meant for sleeping

And some nights my body doesn't fit me right and I wrestle around trying to get in my own skin again.

And some night my dreams are so vivid I can't tell what's real and what's not the next morning and it scares me.

And some nights the spaces between my ribs grow and the world becomes filled with metaphors and wonder and the air is so sweet I can barely breathe.

And some nights,
the night is all I have and I'm afraid that if I fall asleep it'll be taken from me so I hold on as tight as I can.

Some nights are very very good
Some nights are very very bad
Sleep does not belong to either of those nights
Sleep is not worthy of those precious hours of darkness when my surroundings match my emotions

I thought you would understand.

I was so heartbroken over you until the plane took off and I felt the rush as we went down the runway and realized you had never made me feel even close to as good as I did in that moment.

As we climb the sky my spirit climbs with it higher and higher as my heart distances itself from yours. It is the first time in 2 weeks I have felt good about something. I'm just scared that this feeling will be as temporary as we were.

No matter how hard she tried
she could not be like them.
They had sunflowers,
She had dandelions.
Their words flowed,
Her words stumbled.
They moved gracefully like a poem,
She moved like a broken sentence
with awkward pauses and a clumsy pace.

Oh how she longed to be like them,

Oh how she longed.

As I enter the room
my eyes are drawn
against all my will
to your hand
wrapped round
gently, firmly,
the guitar neck.

My own now feels cold
and bare.
Phantom fingers
stroke my skin
as I watch the real form
perfectly placed.

I imagine your touch.
Each finger makes a different note.
Make me sing.

today i realized that infinities are not about passion between lovers or promises of old but about the never ending truth that we will never belong to each other in all of the infinities and all of their never ending possibilities

It feels as though Mother Nature
has just lazily opened her eyes.

The snow turns to puddles
under her powerful gaze.

Her tired yawns
blow my hair over my face.

The flowers and leaves slowly
start to reach for their mother.

It feels as though my soul,
is too reaching for her.
We have awakened.

My parents spent so much money
and so much time
on swimming lessons when I was young.
I think they would be disappointed to know
that after 10 years of lessons,
I'm drowning
with 2 feet planted firmly on solid ground.

I tell myself to snap out of it
But I can only think of the way you would snap at me when I did something wrong
But your eyes would soften and you would gently grab my face and say
"I'm sorry"
Over and over.

We weren't perfect.
We weren't even close.
But you gave me something I had never thought could be long to me
You gave me stability
When my world would spin round and around
backwards and forwards,
my head spinning with it.
Nothing making sense.
My knees trembling
and my ears ringing.
There was you.
The steady rock in the never ending tornado.
You were there for me in a way I could never be for you.
And maybe that's why you picked yourself up
And moved onto some other storm
One that would calm down for you.
I'm sorry I never could.
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.

I'm a mover and a shaker that hasn't found her groove.
I've got plans and I've got dreams but I lack the motivation.
One day I will pick myself up,
and slowly but surely,
I will start bopping and jiving,
to the sound of my own drum.
But until then,
I'll sit back and watch others,
as they slide and glide,
into the lives they've created for themselves.

I think I could fill volumes upon volumes of books
filled with words and phrases and sentences
that you would never tell me.

I could write forever about the words you did say.
The ones that held no truth, only deception,
and blinded me for months.

I could spend a lifetime reciting the way your voice
would raise and come at me like a knife with no apology
and tear me down before your eyes.

But despite all that,
I could never in a million years
describe the way it felt when you said my name
for the very first time.

He was:

Mascara and hairspray and whitening tooth paste that made my mouth feel slimy.

You are:

Understanding and appreciative and you don't notice anything but my eyes and the way they are unapologetic when they display my emotions for you to see.

It was the kind of love that was good,
so good,
God, it was good,
right until it wasn't.

It was like thunder was falling
and the rain was screeching
and the look in your eyes told me we were over
before your mouth had the chance.

To a lonely person
the sun is a welcome guest.
Oh how it kisses your skin
it wraps you in warmth
and bathes you in light
it lulls you to sleep
and unlike him,
expects nothing in return.

But some days it rains
and you long for him once again.

With pale skin it's like my body is covered in glass,
yet no one has dared to look beyond the surface.
So translucent, my veins appear
on my arms, chest, shoulders, and even up my hips
like a map of criss crossing,  blood flowing rivers
with no one willing to dive in.

All anyone's ever cared about was the rise and fall
of the mountains and valleys that make my body
and never once have they tried to look at the paths of life,
the trails of love I have within me.

So I carry this world,
and this world carries me.
Without one the other is useless.

One day these mountains will provide someone
with a place to call home and hold in their arms.
But first they must swim in the streams
and explore the forest of my mind.
Only then will I be known

He said he would treat me like fine china.
And I told him
that was all fine and good
But one day I would not look like fine china.
I would look more like the old mug he drinks coffee out of every morning.
But then he took my hands
and pulled me in close
And said
That's even better.
Then every morning I can wrap my hands around your warm and familiar curves
and drink you in.
Every last drop.

Before I met you I thought addiction meant 6 cups of coffee a day.
But now I know it means just one.

Who am I
to think I was stronger
than the way you looked at me
when you thought I couldn't see.

Who am I
to think that my heart
would never quicken it's pace
when you touched my hand.

Who am I
to think that my head
would never spin stories
about the two of us together.

Who am I
to think that my mouth
would never curve into a smile
when you laugh at something I said.

Who am I
to think that I could have the willpower
to resist you.

I want only that you are happy.
That you find joy in unexpected places
and in unexpected ways.
That you find wealth in the rich spirits of others
and sweet new memories.
But mostly
I hope you find love in a doorway
that will refuse against all of your pushing
to stay shut.

It hardly seems fair
that some people have a heart
strong enough to support 600lbs.
And yet my heart
endlessly pounds.
Threatening to burst from my chest
and erupt without notice
with just the thought
of the weight of your lips
pressed against mine.