In a flash,
the thoughts come back -
"you're fat".

Why?

This illogical phrase used to put me in a haze, made me a slave, to its demands I'd cave.

Broken.

My stomach feels bigger, so do my legs, does my face look fatter? Maybe it's what you ate. You need to fix it, or I will berate.

Watch it.

Weight gain not acceptable, definitely not allowed, do you really want to look like a cow? Punish yourself, less in, more out, look at you, you're just becoming more stout.

Silence.

These feelings are feelings, these thoughts aren't true. All they want is for madness to ensue.

Triggered by perceptions, automatic and vile, deeply convincing, at least for a while.

Now, deep down, I know the truth. I'm healthy and active, no more to do. Fluctuations are normal, restriction is a trap. These thoughts and worries are a big load of crap.

I'll move my attention, to more important things. The blueness of the sky, the joys of spring.

Growth.

Feel my hair in the breeze, hiking in the trees, laughing with friends, around food more at ease.

Triumph.

When we started dating
a therapist told me
"you shouldn't be in a new relationship right now"

Her point was valid,
I was in a rough spot
But a global pandemic happening
Wasn't my first thought

Our first date before
the whole world shut down
Confined to our homes
Changes abound

But deep down I knew
This was different.
I knew I was being conscientious
I knew this is something I wanted to do.

And here we are over a year later.

It terrifies me
That I can feel
This way
About another person.

You're a light in my life
Conscientious and kind
Accept me for who I am
And my sometimes messy mind.

I love our adventures.
You have taught me it's okay to be selfish
To do things just for me
To go outside and be active
Live more carefree
Yet you're still very driven
And respect that I am too
Always supportive
I truly love you.

Love

A scary word.
Scary to be vulnerable
In an uncertain world.

Attractive, strong, and caring.

Strange to say but true,
I wouldn't be who I am today
Without having been with you.

<3

Ed is beckoning me.

You could be lighter, thinner, better.
Feel those powerful bones.
Feel the control, the achievement.
This body is yours to hone.

No fat jiggling on your body
Firm skin and muscle is all
Feeling wispy, light and airy
Wonderful and small.

I just want to be thinner.

---

Girls across the world wishing for this
As they scroll through unlimited feeds
Young and impressionable
Fairly easy to do
Just don't eat.

But it can become an obsession,
Always wanting more
Always an imperfection to fix
Just another pound more

Diet, diet, diet.
Eat this, not that.
No carbs, no sugar, no processed food.
Keto helps get rid of fat.
The messages are relentless
They're everywhere we look.
We are so obsessed with our bodies
Diet culture has us hooked.

I worry about the younger generation
More exposure to images of thin
Sharing tips for what to eat in a day
Eating bread considered a sin.

That path leads to destruction.
A trap that holds you tight.
Where your world revolves around food and exercise
Though you feel depressed and lose sight.
Something you can't snap out of
Will almost take your life
As anxiety and depression consume you
But you just can't take one more bite.

We need to start glorifying balance
More images of normal people.
Rewire the way we think about food and exercise
Something more in the middle.

I'll continue to not listen to my thoughts
Though some days they scream very loud.
I don't need to be smaller.
I need to raise my voice and be proud

Things are better
that's for sure
but uncertainty envelopes me
For that there's no cure.

I don't know what I'm doing
Don't know who I am
Often fear the future that's coming
It feels like all a sham

Inadequacy consumes me
Despite the gains I've made
Sometimes wish I'd never done so well
Want to hide away in shade.

I'm still figuring out how to make sense of a world where privilege and opportunity determine the basis of your reality.

Where injustice and inequities are at every corner I turn.

Where people only really care about what affects themselves.

I see your pain and suffering
I see how it's so unfair
I guess all we can do
Is try to make others more aware.

I loathe you.

I’d finally gotten to a place,
happiness on my face,
accomplished and proud,
wanted to sing out loud

But that’s
                     all
                             gone.

My body is my enemy,
a never-ending foe
I’ve tried hard to move to acceptance
Neutrality in the least
Yet here I am still angry
My body is a beast.
Hypersensitive to every touch
Every feeling I endure
Extra pounds and never-ending fat
I hate it, that’s for sure.

How’d I let this happen?
Get so out of line?
I crave stability
Need it.
For my small smile to shine.

This self hatred is deep seated
This failure hits me hard
Need to do my best to stay on track
Make sure to keep up my guard.

Is this delusional?
Probably.
Most would balk at my self critical remarks.

But until I can get back to where I was
My mind will be in the dark

I know I've gained weight
Not too too much.
Enough for me to notice
To pick apart and ****
Cry tears of failure,
I'm a body positive fraud.

I finally liked my body
Didn't hate all that I see
But now that that is gone,
I can only blame me.

Is this me or the "illness"?
That I don't know
I really want to fix this
Don't want to grow and grow
But therapy's taught me different
Can't listen to that voice
The one that screams and yells,
"THIS WAS ALL YOUR CHOICE
You're fat, lazy, inadequate,
what the hell have you done,
you'll grow and grow forever,
weight gain never done."

Part of me wants to listen
Part of me wants to fight
Part of me wants to give up
I'm tired of this smite.

My obsession with idealized perfection
is an infection
that's leading me in the wrong direction.

Perfect is non-existent.
But our culture still wants us to strive
Make money off our insecurities
Profits they want to drive

I'm going to practice acceptance
Less attention to this societal mess
I've more to do than look perfect.
Going to just do my best
to be a person of value
kind, caring and strong.
That is what's been best for me
Truly all along

The way you make me feel is unspeakable.
And I normally have a lot of words.

You’ve completely changed my life
Helped me see myself in a new light

Quench the emotional intimacy I crave
Make me believe I don’t need to be saved

Altered my way of viewing the world

I’ve been alone for so long
Fiercely independent
Learned that I have to rely on myself.
Take myself to appointments
Don’t burden others with your problems
Stay quiet

With you in my life, not any more.
I can be open and honest and not fear you’ll run away
Talk to you about my struggles that come up through the day
Feel loved and supported regardless of what I say

Magic.

Your companionship
Your hugs
Your being.

Bring joy to my life
I’m grateful I met you
Grateful for your heart
Grateful I took a chance
This is only just the start

When I look back at all I've been through
I'm grateful I finally see
The wars and horror I've endured
The hell inside of me.
My strength is undeniable
My courage certainly roars
A hell that few may understand
Yet still my spirit soars.

Ugly.
Fat.
Stupid.
Replaying through my mind
Anxious about every bite I eat
Anxious all the time.
Doubting my abilities
Tearing myself down
Logic sadly lacking,
In my thoughts I'd drown

On and off 6 years of therapy
Untangling my tortured mind
Trying to figure out who I am,
Myself I'm trying to find.

Gaining skills to fight my demons.
Needing some medication too.
A rollercoaster of a journey
episodes of feeling blue.

Yet here I am.

Many times I thought I wouldn't make it
Reached for help countless times you see,
I'll never be perfectly "normal"
a mind warrior is who I'll be

When you beat cancer, you are met with joy and praise
People commend you on your strength and bravery
People celebrate your achievement

When you recover from an eating disorder, you are met with silence
Or "thank goodness you aren't crazy anymore" or
"I'm glad you're making better choices" or
Distaste with how your body has changed and is less socially acceptable.

Both deserve praise.
Both deserve congratulations.
Both deserve support.

That's why I fight.
Why I talk.
Why I educate.
Mental health IS health.
And coping with a mental illness or recovering from it is one of the hardest and most isolating battles one will face

Making decisions
Encases my mind in worry and fear
A cloud of unpredictability
I shed many tears
I'm not good at making decisions
My brain starts to scream
One time I decided to lose weight
Wanted to be lean.

Horrible decision
Nearly ended my life
Dove into the world of mental illness
Numerous years of strife.

I just want to be happy
As a child that's all I wanted to be
Don't know how to achieve that
When darkness envelopes me.

I must fight to remember my purpose
Remember why I am here
A warrior of my mind
Advocating far and near

When I'm feeling low,
the familiar obsessions start to flow

Discomfort in every inch of my body
I loathe every aspect of it.

My stomach is huge,
my thighs too wide
I'm fat and disgusting
No matter how hard I try.
I have no control
I'm a lazy slob
I used to be accomplished
Now I'm a blob.

No idea who I am
No idea what to do
All that I ever want
Is truly just to lose
I want to be thinner
I want to lose weight
I want to be fit
No more body hate
There's a magical number
That will make things okay
I'm way above that
Scared to see what I weigh

Others would say
I don't see the real me
My body is "great"
I'm fit and pretty

This used to be
How I thought every day
I'm grateful it's lessened
But some thoughts seem to stay.

These thoughts are just thoughts
I can survive this blow
Look toward better days
When more helpful thoughts flow

When you hug me, the world feels brighter
You inspire me to believe
You do so many things for me
Inspire me to achieve

We go on fun adventures
Discuss world problems too
Grateful for your smile
Grateful I chose you.

I'm tired of overthinking
I'm tired of feeling lost
I'm tired of not feeling good enough
Of emptiness and loss

I'm tired of feeling purposeless
"So smart" but no direction
Thinking suffering has meaning
But doubt is my infection

I dream of knowing what I'm meant to be
What I can contribute to this earth
What job will fill me day by day
As I try to own my worth

I think about those suffering
Unable to get aid
I think of all the sadness out there
In mud many people wade

I want to have a positive contribution
Bring joy to others I see
I want others to know they're not alone
Like others did for me

My DNA is prone to sadness
Anxiety's in there too
But I've learned some ways to cope with them
It's okay for me to feel blue

I worked so hard
for what?
It truly seems silly now
Sacrificing my health for amazing grades
Wasn't worth it, I can vow

Turn my wounds into wisdom
Is what I want to do
I have to hold onto embers of hope
Know my intentions are true

It's important to just try things
Let go of past goals,
We're constantly changing and growing
On our quest to feel more whole

With tests there's right and wrong

I loved getting the right answer

But the real world doesn't work that way
Usually no clear answers.

But I still find myself searching
High and low
for the perfect life circumstance
that will make my heart glow

That will leave me content
Restore my joyful self
Instill feelings of hope
Fill my soul with wealth

But it's a faulty search tactic.

Life is never perfect
It can't fully be controlled
Has its ups and downs
As we continue to get old

For a perfectionist like me
This is hard to accept
If I work a bit harder
I'll never be inept

But this means perpetual dissatisfaction.
Only seeing the bad
The world's falling apart
and everyone's mad

I wish I didn't struggle with my mental health
Or think about this so much
I wish I didn't deeply care
About the world's struggles and such

I must believe I can find joy
Contentment and purpose too
To appreciate things for what they are
Hope and positivity to imbue

I don't know who I am.

This may sound strange,
but it's how I feel
many 20 somethings
know this feeling is real

"This is normal"
"You're not alone"
But this lack of identity
Makes me feel thrown

For years I was the "smart one"
Strove for the highest grades
Lost that identity for a bit
Momentarily lived in the shade

I reclaimed that feeling in first year
Academically, feeling strong
But wanting to excel was challenging
Anxiety and depression tagged along

I excelled for four years to leave options
Working myself to the bone
Hoping my hard work would mean something
My path forward would be shown

But now I'm left with burn out.

It leaves me at a crossroads
Not sure which path to take
Not confident in myself
Or the changes I hope to make

Building a live worth living
Is more challenging than you make think
When you're used to craving excellence
Anything less feels like an empty link

I have to find a way forward
To make sense of all that is
Accept that life isn't always fun
But know that doesn't mean my life is done.

I want to be an optimist
In a world that's sad and cruel
Find where I truly belong
Hope will be my tool.

Work hard.
More degrees, more success
No time for rest,
do your best.

Always anxious about school.

...

But don't you love to learn?
I guess that's true
but instead of feeling engaged
I'm feeling more blue
No longer is it about
broadening your mind
now it's about
the endless grade grind.

You're only worth something if your grades are great
Keep working hard, leisure can wait
Do your masters, be grateful for education
Wait.

Who's to say I want more education?
Who's to say that more wealth equals more happiness?

We've become a generation
bred for success
be grateful for your opportunities
when your parents had less.
Denying university?
How ungrateful can you be?
I've worked so hard for you
You're supposed to impress me.

We've forgotten.
Nobody wants to starve, or miss paying rent
But happiness is not cultivated
By more dollars spent
We spend our lives at work
Chasing more and more
Family and friends
are turned into a chore.

If this is the price of success, count me out.
I crave connection and belonging
I need others without a doubt.
Let's turn off the technology,
and reflect on our paths
Unless we start connecting
Discontentment will unleash its wrath

When you destroy yourself,
you destroy me.

I know it shouldn't work that way
But how can it not, as day after day
You work yourself to death.

What are your hobbies?
What brings you joy?
Nothing?

I'm tired of your melancholic mood
How you never prioritize food
Work for 80 hours per week
As anger and rage you continue to leak

How do you not see this?
"I need to provide"
For a family you are killing
On the inside
we've tried
oh yes, we've tried
to explain this all to you
but denial and tears is what comes
and now I'm totally through.

You can't fill from an empty cup.
But on you, I've given up.

I worry about you all the time.
I don't want to see you die.

Nagging, yelling, crying.

I can't let this destroy me.
I need to move forward in another direction.
And find who I am without this infection
of never tolerating less than perfection
as I face this life intersection
help.
I don't want to live this way.
I need to know that I'm truly okay.
To honour myself as I would a friend.
Know that imperfection doesn't mean the end.

Why can't you support me?

But your support, I don't need.
I'm an adult with my own two feet.
I'll stay strong and continue my fight
Keeping you out of sight.

Thanks for the invalidation.

In the midst of anxiety
You make me feel calm
When I'm with you
Nothing feels wrong

Your smile, your care
Brightens my day
Makes me feel like I'm more okay

You see my struggles
My overthinking mind
But accept and support
You're one of a kind

With you
My world is brighter
And makes more sense
I'm able to strive
but feel less intense
You see the good in me
When my brain is a bit blind
And help me to grow
and try to unwind

I'm grateful for you
And everything you are
In my darkened, black sky
You're the scintillating star

A few weeks ago, I had less thoughts,
But now they’ve come back and they can’t seem to stop

I feel massive and huge
I’ve let myself go
How can I live like this
I’m puffy like dough

I want to control what I eat.

But I’m at the mercy of what my parents make
And the awkwardness that surrounds my plate
I can’t talk about how this is driving me insane
I know I’m crazy, these thoughts are inane

But I don’t know what to do.

I just want to be fit, like what I see in the mirror
Not hate every inch of fat on my rear
I want to be lean.

But what if I can’t have this
That might be true
Too much restriction
Metabolism won’t come through
Messed up my body
Messed up my life
On a path to a body,
I’m filled with strife

I don’t believe this will cease to haunt me
Incompatible with my nature
Incompatible with me
I want to achieve
And be the best I can be
I obsess over my shape
And my unknown weight
I’d rather be destroyed
Than discover I’ve gained

Truly, there is no cure.
Intense psychotherapy
Is the only hope there
But my thoughts aren’t distorted,
It’s our culture, I swear
My struggles are normal
Reflective of today
In these thoughts I may drown
In our culture I am prey

Recovery.

What does that mean?
A goal I set 5 years ago
After trying to "eat clean"
Yet how can I recover
in a world obsessed
with losing weight.

Eat this, not that.
Make sure you move.
Calorie counts galore
You have something to prove.

Dessert? Horrible.
Treats aren't allowed.
Less in, more out
Till you're light as a cloud.

Look at her weight loss
She's been "so good"
Eaten less and less
Lost all that she could.

This is the noise
I deal with.

And I'm told to
not listen
to think otherwise
don't focus on fat
or the size of your thighs

I try
Believe me, I try
But 5 years later
and my body makes me cry
Wanting to be normal
but perpetually sad
No matter what I eat
most of it's bad.

A part of me would give anything
To lose some pounds
So when I feel my body
it isn't just mounds.

Alas.
I don't know if that's possible.

Losing weight is equivalent
to losing your mind
Getting high off "control"
and the "esteem" you find
Obsessed with calories
and the steps you track
Monitoring everything
each and every snack.

No way
to live a life.

Nourish yourself with wholesome food
Don't sacrifice your mood.
So much more to do on this earth
Beyond obsessing over weight and shape.

I know
I know how hard it is to ignore the voice in your head
And all the diet culture, that closely treads

Do what's best for you
You deserve balance with food.

I never knew
It could be true
That I could feel close
To a boy I knew

Everything is better
when I'm by your side
The darkness fades,
I've turned the tide

Yet
This doesn't feel like an unhealthy obsession
Like it always has before
On my own I'm okay
But together I'm something more

Living in the moment
Enjoying things day by day
More compassion for myself
and my body as it is today

Months ago I was convinced
That darkness was my fate
But hope and help and support
Has shown me the life I can create

For the first time

in a very long time

I actually feel joy.

I feel peace
and calm
can appreciate good songs
the light in my brain has turned on

Concentration and focus
have graciously returned
Clear thinking and contentment
For this I've yearned

I stare at the trees
How plants sway in the breeze
The beauty of nature
is something I now seize

Gratitude

I truly never thought
These feelings would return
Thought I was doomed to sadness
and never-ending hurt
Be numb or depressed,
Neither preferred

Close to giving up.

This feeling may not stay,
But I'm grateful to have felt this way
even for a few days.

I cherish this outlook
and the way that I feel

I'll use what I've learned
To help others hope to heal

You look at me and smile
and anxiety melts away
My heart grows
My brain knows
Things might actually be okay

You listen to my ramblings
Put up with my weird quirks
I didn't know
That this could grow
My past is filled with jerks

You accept me for my struggles
Past and present day
Didn't think that that was possible
Is what I used to say

Attractive, kind, and fun
and lots of chemistry too

In an uncertain future
I'm glad to say
I've spent some time with you.

My internal pain is invisible,
my anguish cannot be seen.
I go through each day
making my way
but with little knowledge of where I've been.

Working, volunteering, trying,
to spark a bit of joy
but I still feel blue,
what am I to do?
My smile is a ploy.

Help.
I'm screaming on the inside
Hoping someone will notice and care.
For now, I feel like a burden
wallowing in my despair.

I'm tired of pretending to be normal
Of the appearance that I've made
Of seemingly being high functioning
When in truth I'm continuing to fade

I'm sorry I can't be happy,
I'm sorry I'm always this way,
hoping someone perhaps reaches out,
tells me it'll be okay

I've learned so much, alas,
Nothing seems to work.
"You're fine Laura, keep going"
Until my brain truly goes berserk

From July 2017:

Explaining how I feel to others
Is a difficult feat

For they are unable to see the wars waging in my mind
How sanity is what I'm desperately trying to find

Worried about the future
Contemplating the past

Battling the rules I rigidly made

Rules that were supposed to keep me safe and sound
Turned me around

Trying to organize the chaos that encompasses my life
So many things I want to do, but never enough time

Picking on myself is automatic you see
I'm trying to stop perpetuating my misery

But depression is a sadness you cannot shake
A welt in your side you cannot heal
Sadness encompasses you and you'd give anything to not exist

Anxiety reminds you of everything you haven't done
How you aren't good enough
How everything is impossibly tough

Perfectionism urges you to succeed
But if you're inadequate, taunting proceeds

The eating disorder developed out of low self esteem
War on my body
War on the image in the mirror

A satisfactory punishment
For all I mess up in
A method of control
A desperate attempt to succeed in something
Anything
Numb the emotions
Quiet the pain
Dwindle and disappear
But you go insane

An unhealthy coping mechanism
No way to live a life
I'm starting to see through this never ending strife
I'm beginning to accept myself for who I am

To acknowledge how far I've come
How perhaps I'm not incredibly dumb
Recognize the lies that my mind whispers to me

Each day is a challenge
Each day is a test
Each day I'm trying to do my best

From my experiences I have so much to give
I am continuing to learn
I want to share my knowledge
As my passion for mental health
Continues to live

My biggest fear
to this day
is that others won't accept me
when I'm not completely okay

I fight the battles
in my mind
sometimes peace
is hard to find

"Everyone will run from your darkness"
"Nobody will understand"
"Stay. quiet. Your thoughts are quicksand."

But now I'm discovering
This may not be true
I took a large leap
And opened up to you

Wore my heart on my sleeve
chatted about my life
was honest and real
about my daily strife

And

you

listened.

Didn't judge what I said,
or try to offer extra advice
didn't get all uncomfortable
were incredibly nice

Asked amazing questions
That nobody else has
Took a real interest
Really tried to understand

Mind.
blown.

I walked away from our chat
with a smile on my face
and a hope in my heart
as it's a different case

Words cannot capture
how grateful I am
to have someone to talk to
I'm not shut like a clam

You give me joy and hope
which is sometimes hard to find
You also truly care
about the state of my mind

How fortunate I am
to know someone like you
that makes my days seem less blue
amidst all of this
all the world is going through
and having to be distant,
which is sad but true
I'm definitely continuing to fall for you

I adjusted myself to the whims of guys who saw me as a playground

I thought that was what I had to settle for as a single girl in a world where "being casual" is an expectation

But deep down I knew
this is not what I wanted to do.

But if I did any less, I still felt sad
People pleasing is what makes me glad

My religious upbringing and morals caused me to see intimacy as something more
Having fun with no feelings is not what I was destined for
Through trial and error I learned more.

Who am I?
What lights my fire?
What is my actual true desire?

Being intimate with someone who actually cares about me
Who sees me as more than an amusement ride that is free

I encourage other girls in a similar position
To think hard and use their own true volition

To discover what it is that suits them best
Women should not have to settle for anything less

I care for you
And your brilliant mind
Being with you I find peace
Which is normally hard to find

Conversations
Endless and fun
You believe in me
When I think everything is done

These feelings
Are hard to describe
Normally I talk
But these thoughts I can't scribe

Alas

What do I do?
Do I tell you?

Afraid to make changes
for things to turn out wrong
to ruin
everything
keep things where they belong

I fear the repercussions
Of expressing my truth
As I've already done it
I need to get over it
Get over it, I'll try
But I'm stuck under it
Can't reach the sky

Deep down I know
You don't feel the same
So repression shall win
In this heartbreaking game

Looking in the mirror today
I noticed the size of my thighs
A common culprit
of body hate
Just another feature
I berate

Why?

During a spin class
Comparison seethes
All I hear
in my ear
"you're fat and ugly and disgusting"

Poetic?
Certainly not.
But I can't seem to throw away that thought.

I can't even believe that it isn't true
It's been so long, don't know what else to do

You're smarter than this, know you need food.

Help.

Nothing in my life makes sense.

What's the point?
I'm not so sure.
Wherever I turn, sadness endures
So much wrong in the world,
where do I turn?

I need to believe there's still good
I need to believe it gets better
I need to find my purpose
Or my eyes will continue to get wetter

My pain is intense
My mood dips
I am fat
I feel every ounce of fat on my hips
I try
I desperately try to diminish my size
So I no longer cry
at the sight of my thighs
Body acceptance?
It all seems like lies
Drowning.

I try to restrict
Eat less and less
occasionally "binge"
what the hell, I'm a mess
Exercise more
Move to and fro
But sadly it's not working
My mood dips low
Yet my meds numb me out
Their happiness is fake
Why am I on them?
It's been several years
Don't know if I need them
They cause many tears

Deep in my heart,
I'm clearly aware that
the medication I'm on
is making me fat
Stop taking that.
I try to take less
Lower my dose with care
But withdrawal hits hard
I'm sad and aware

The lights in my head
quickly turn off
Nobody told me
this would happen when I stop
I can't win
But need a way out
Mental health care needs improving
until it does, I will shout

I had almost given up
Put the phone away
Tried to move forward
No more to say

But then I met you.

Scared but excited,
We went on a date
I worried I ruined it
Doom was our fate.

But you said it went well.

Date number two
My feelings had grown
Felt a connection
Sort of at home

So much in common
You were so nice and kind,
Asked to hold my hand
Stimulated my mind

But now it’s all over.

You were seeing someone else
Picked her over me
Rejected and hurt
How could this be?

In the past,
My self esteem would have been shot
But now I know
To think better thoughts
To know I am worthy
Of being someone’s first pick
That you’re missing out
Good luck with that chick
I can do better
I can move on
Won’t drown in my feelings
I'll look towards dawn

To me rejection is like an infection.

I know other opportunities exist
But the feeling of rejection sticks to me like a cyst

I remind myself that there's more out there
That this isn't an attack on me, or signs they don't care

Don't itch a mosquito bite, you'll make it worse
A scab will form, the pain makes you curse

"I'm not good enough" is my bite,
and rejection is the itch that I can't control.

So I sit with these feelings
After elevating my hopes
Sad, depressive thoughts
Immobilize me like ropes

"Be more resilient"
"This shouldn't affect you this much"

These things ring some truth,
but helpful they are not.

I live with intensity, my brain always on
Thinking numerous things, more than humming a song

When excited I'm ecstatic, but when sad I'm more blue
My biology I can't change, coping is all I can do.

So how does one weather crippling rejection?

Believe in yourself, there's still more to do
Keep yourself busy until the storm passes through
Don't beat yourself up for feeling unreasonably blue
Boost yourself up in ways that suit you

Just one look
and feelings a year old
come flooding back

I'm not your type,
but sometimes,
human attraction just doesn't make sense.

The way you say my name
is a symphony to my ears
Smart, successful, attractive
Thoughts race as we cheers

Is it crazy?
Yes.
Because you I barely know

But sometimes you just have this sense
Conversation easily flows.

It's just a crush, an obsession
Girls probably fall at your toes.
But sometimes it's nice to have a dream
Even if nowhere's where it goes

I know your success
Does not mean I have failed

But my brain is not convinced
Self battering has prevailed

My mind wages wars over bread
Wishing that part of my mind was dead

My clothes feel different
How could this be?
Thought I was okay
Try to eat healthily

Alas.
I know I've gone too far
I can't tolerate the feeling of extra skin
Exercise MORE.
Torturous thoughts begin

I sit and try to eat.
But why

The feeling of an empty stomach
coincides with feelings of pride
Accomplishment. Resistance. Power.
And it grows with each passing hour.
The feeling of losing weight,
one of the few things that brightens my state.
Joy, bliss, satisfaction.
But this feeling is fleeting
Like slippers on an icy *****
You fall from your perceived grace
As your mind crumbles
Gone without a trace
Barely recognize your face
Disgrace.

Abandon everything on the pursuit of perfection.
Restriction becomes the object of your affection
When really it's more of an infection.

I want to accept my body you see
Be proud of all it does for me
Make peace with my flaws,
the size of my thighs.
Grow in contentment, no matter how wide.
Self acceptance.
Seems so far away
6 years and counting, still struggle to this day.

Enough.

Your body is the vehicle
through which you experience this world
Perfecting it is unattainable.
As a society, we have more to accomplish than banishing cellulite
or fat.
Make discoveries, help each other, and grow,
Now just imagine that.

Our minds shouldn't be waging wars over bread,
Let's promote peace and end real wars instead.

Time and time and time again
I come back to the same thought
The same feeling
The same obsession
Lying on my back, staring at the ceiling

Intensity.

Why haven't I studied today?
I feel my body, and it's not okay.
Every part feels like it is too much, I am too much
What happened?
How did I let it get this way?

Tears.

I am too uncomfortable in my skin
Depression is beginning to win.

Despair.

Let the thought spiral begin.

Fat.
Ugly.
Stupid.
Failure.
Disgusting.
Worthless.
Disgra­ce.

A sadness and sorrow so encompassing it feels as though you've been winded.
Ripped in half.
You want to cry
While your demons laugh.

Skills, coping mechanisms, lessons learned
Yet nothing seems to actually work
Just let it be, leave it alone
While you feel like you're being smashed by a stone

Recovery.
Stuck half way.
More work to do.
To be more okay.

I am enough
Hearing those words said to me
Brings tears to my eyes
My own brain never says that to me
It always spits out lies.

Do more, be more, achieve more.
But it's not a gentle nudge
You must succeed or else you'll be
Forever stuck in sludge

A sludge of thoughts of inadequacy
Mentally beat yourself up
You cannot tolerate any less
You'll face a half empty cup.

Exhausted.
Like a hamster on a wheel.
Mariana's trench deep is how I feel
"Let it go" says Elsa
If I could
I would
I've already tried
4856 times
To get these thoughts out of my mind
"Accept them"
"Try to be kind"
How can I when these thoughts put me in a bind
Paralyze me
Overcome my body like a tsunami
And the CD is stuck on replay
Go away
Go away
But still they stay.
And I still try to slay
The dragon of thoughts in my mind.

Be perfect.
No mistakes.
I'll keep you safe
Don't worry, okay?

Words from the critic inside my head.

Study more, eat less,
Look at you, you're such a mess
Follow my rules
And you'll be great
Excellence will be your fate.

But wait.....
Life is not perfect.

It has ups and downs, twists and turns
Sometimes you're happy, sometimes you get burned

It's a wonderful, messy place.

My whole life I loved my status
I loved being known as smart
It delved deep into me and attached itself to my heart

I survived all of primary and secondary school
On my imaginary pedestal.

But once you're in the bigger world,
It's hard to excel
To know you're the best
So you strive for control
In ways you know best
Food and school
Perfect each test.
Rules rule your mind.

I dream of a day
When I can just be me
Not the best, a little more carefree
Where I don't feel the need to prove my existence
Where failure doesn't bury me in a hole 8 feet deep
Where my expectations are more realistic.

Each day I'm getting closer.
Each day I'm learning more.
Some days I'm more forward, other days I'm back
But as long as I stay on the right track
My battered soul will be free from attack

Dear 17 year-old Laura,

Don't worry so much about being perfect
Don't push yourself to get the highest marks you can get

You certainly don't have to do it all
You deserve a break, even if it's small

You're beautiful
I know you may not think that but it certainly is true
Inside and out
Beautiful, that's you

Ignore the imperfections you see in the mirror
For only you are able to see
The "too big stomach" and "jiggly thighs"
You're gorgeous as can be

I know you're scared to graduate
You became comfortable in high school,
But the world is so much bigger,
Adventure awaits you

Please don't think that you're ugly
Boys will come and go
Focus on liking yourself
Though that's hard, I know

The summer did flash by for you
University hit you hard
Please don't be mad at yourself
For all your "unsightly lard"

You became ill and that's okay
None of this was your choice
It's not your fault you spiraled down
From listening to that voice

The hardest months of your life thus far
You sadly had to endure
Because you couldn't forgive yourself
Mental illness is a blur

Shame and stigma rotted your mind
Made you think this was your volition
Like someone gets cancer, you became sick
Becoming mentally ill wasn't a mission

Your life will slowly rebuild
The future will have ups and downs,
You should be incredibly proud of what you survived
Continue to fight those sounds

I wish that we hadn't dated last year
I'm doing better now
But alas
You're not here

Would timing have changed
Our inevitable fate?
What if I'd been better
In a "more myself" state

--

But I cannot choose
How the cards fall
At the mercy of the moment
Despite wanting to control all

From this I have learned and grown
In innumerable ways
Lessons I can carry
Into life's next phase

Our worlds
were too separate
for us to be together

One week you give me attention
My heart starts to soar
Haven't felt this way in a while
Never noticed you before

Before long possibilities dance in my head
My friend tells me
No
Like yourself more instead

But in my heart I knew
What I wanted to do
With this, I was not through
This made me less blue

Anxious to go out with you
Worries clouded my brain
My friend tried to calm me
My mind was going insane

But it went surprisingly well
Or at least that's what I thought
But alas I was wrong
It didn't mean a lot

I almost forgot

I cannot be messaged
As a last minute choice
I am more than an option
I have a real voice

I deserve more
Someone who chooses me
First on their list
Is where I will be

I'm ashamed to admit
that from time to time
I miss the feeling of my bones.

I miss feeling thin
Feeling empty within
Feeling powerful and in control

Yet this is an illusion.

Depressed and fat, or depressed and thin?
Which mindset will eventually win?

I hope to find a middle ground.
Where self battering isn't a recurring sound.

Can that be found?

Suffering.
In silence I suffer.
Attempting to escape the pain.
As my brain becomes more insane.

Relapse.
I crave the number going down on the scale
Crave the feeling of being frail.
Why?

Hatred.
Poisonous hatred as strong as steel
Living in this body is surely surreal.

Broken.
I hate myself thin, I hate myself fat,
Never satisfied, I am sure of that.

Wonder.
I reached for support, now I must wait.
And now that desire is overcome by hate.

Uncertainty.
Of what will happen soon.
Hopefully not spiraling down to my doom.

I was lost
Didn't know how to be found
And then you came
And turned my life a bit around

Messaging you
Brought joy to my day
Light to my eyes
Sadness melted away

Flirty remarks
Danced in my head
My hopes grew
My heart wasn't dead

A couple of dates
Went very well
I had a feeling
I was "under your spell"

Pause.

The messages stop coming
What did I do?
How could this go wrong
This is just so new?

My mind had planned
Well in advance
That you would probably
Give me a chance

Alas I was wrong
I pushed you away
Nobody to blame
but my own foul play

And now your silence
Stabs my gentle heart
This wonderful future
Brutally torn apart

I wish I understood
Your lack of replies
Forever left
With a multitude of whys

Every time I look in the mirror I despise the image in front of me
For all I see
Is an ugly girl staring back at me

Filled with imperfections
Certainly overweight
My mind is filled with copious amounts of self hate

I used to be better at stopping this
At knowing it wasn’t true
But now I truly believe it
And I’m feeling more and more blue

I want to drill holes in my brain.
I don't have purpose, I'm going insane

I sit here without any real task
Despite the fact I constantly ask

What do I do?  I don't know
I'm being paid to do nothing, it brings me sorrow

I can't just sit here twiddling my thumbs
Thinking in circles until my brain numbs

I do not belong here, I feel out of place
I may leave, these weeks erased.

Please give us a second chance
The first time around my head was in a trance
Consumed by an eating disorder
Sad and down
Last summer I was consumed by my frown.

Throughout the year
We were busy
Our heads occupied
My life a tizzy

But now I'm ready
If you are
To give this one more try
I believe we can go far

My heart has been ripped out

Torn from my chest

Trampled and torn

I need some rest.

Does he care about me?

Clearly not.

I was extremely easy to drop.

Yet here I am
Dealing with my rollercoaster of a mind
Trying to focus

"Push through and study"
They all say

But the sadness persists day after day.
Defer my exams?
Maybe.
Okay.

Not all because of him, I assure you that's true
The low mood was there before,
Now I'm just more blue.

Trudging through life as I'm dying inside
All I want to do is hide

Why did he do this?
I don't really know.

---

I need to focus
On just being me
On doing the best I can
The light I will see.