8:25 am
“all i wanted was a little love”
says the voice in my head
and the black cord that connects my mind
to somebody else’s words
tugs at my heartstrings too

bright copper sunshine on fast-moving waves
dull glitter of ice over snow
spindly shadows of trees bent this way and that
striping grey concrete and faded yellow lines
slow clouds covering the last of the night
as it sinks into the roots of the day

“keep your hands to yourself”
says the voice in my head
it’s been one song
since i last heard those words
and i keep my hands to myself
and my mind outside
and my thoughts on the objects and values and colour
and not on the things i can’t see

i see a spreading warmth beyond the window
i feel the same thing in my bones
and i am unable to move now, unable
to turn my eyes away

outside, the cars pass by
and the water keeps flowing
and the sun keeps glowing
and it all looks the same, yet the longer i look
the more it changes

each day i look the same, and yet
i know i have changed
like a river slowly warming after winter
like the sun dissolving clouds around it, not with anger
but with something else
like the concrete of the road supporting those who cross it

this morning, sitting by the window
i had the urge to reach my hand out
and i don’t know why, or what for
but it seemed like the right thing to do

but i kept my hands to myself
i know
i am not ready yet

From old to new, young to old,
Great lords can be traced
And before their time inevitably comes
Burns their memory unerased.

From the lives of one such man,
Traveling in the call box,
We know the game of chance was won
Because sticky-uppy hair rocks.

Savéd he the rich and poor;
He battled monstrous foes--
And before the eleventh hour struck,
He'd had his share of woes.

Companions in hearts and soul,
He gave of himself so readily;
How could one lose so much
But never lose one's empathy?

His smile warmed the hearts of all,
His pain struck them to the core;
And not one of us didn't dream of the day
He'd show up at our door.

He'd fought his Goliath, like all of us must do,
And waited for the sunrise to appear;
Not one but two hearts beat in his chest,
Which some might think very queer.

He held our hearts and attention,
We watched him victorious with pride;
But as long as he stayed, we loved him
And missed him when Eleven arrived.

From old to new, young to old,
There's always a bit of a shocker:
Regeneration really *****
And you never forget your first Doctor.

the sun shines crookedly
into the cracks that beat the light
into my head
and i blink away the weather, but only for a moment
as i am temporary
and it is forever
and i feel like forever too when i'm walking down this road
but if i look behind
my footsteps disappear into the melting snow
and i know that i will fade

but how? i feel like concrete
man-made and unmoving
while the leaves crushed into my surface
by rain
are the transient ones

i will remain long after i am gone, if only in spirit
since my mind and my body
have not been friends for a long time
when the time comes, i will cast
that shadow from my skull
and my thoughts will be the weather

if i beat you to it
(i don't dare think that thought, just this one time)
will you hear me on the wind?
will you smile back at the sun?

you know that you're the reason
i can say those silent words
and yeah, it's a burden
but it will be you who makes the sun shine

and now i'm done with that morbid thought

words, make me eternal
let each scrap of paper ***** with my letters
speak the truth, and nothing but
the stupid truth
but is it so stupid?
the truth, to me
is becoming less of a fear
and more of a blessing

and sure, it's still a fear
since the blessing scares me
but the sun has become less of a shadow
and more of a light
and i'm pretty sure that's a sign

i'm pretty sure you're a sign
that i should wake up and go outside

eight hours is all it takes, i guess
to erase the cobwebs from beneath my eyes
and today i kept reaching up
with shaking, caffeinated fingers
to softly press the skin there
and feel the bruises disappearing
as sleep became less of a constant ache
and more of a comfort

eight hours still seemed impossible
and yet here i am, awake and able
to close my eyes without slipping into grey
able to stand up on solid legs
without fear of buckling and falling

i'm just taking it all in, all these nights
that i have spent wisely
because the countdown in my head
tells me that soon enough, i'll be back
to my old ways, dazed and euphoric
as two or three hours try to rub the shadows
away from my eyelashes
and i will once again be painting my skin each morning
into clarity

i will once again be hiding
behind a curtain of half-lives
and half-lies
and i will once again ignore the need
digging dull nails into my palm
to keep myself in sync

i'm just taking it all in, all these nights
that have brought me back to life
savouring each moment
while the countdown echoes in my head
and the spiders are waiting, ready
to spin their cobwebs again

sun shone down
moon broke away
and spring became a possibility

i spent time wandering the halls
of my mind and my body, up and down
my veins
until i found the oxygen

today i dug my nail into the knuckle
of my pinky finger
for an hour
because without the pain
i kept sliding into grey
amid a room of voices
that i knew i had to listen to

and it's ok, i mean the mark is barely there
but that clarity scared me

i think i'd rather fall asleep
than rely on crushing hard into soft
dead into alive
just to prove dead is alive
no matter how it may feel when untouched

and i have been left untouched for days
so when my heartbeat made itself known today
i was afraid, and i wish i knew
why

sun hid behind the clouds
moon ate at the sky
until there was nothing left

all grown up and here i am
a child again

you've taken me back to the easiness
of jokes and meaningless words and smiles
that mean nothing more than happiness

childish tunes of light footsteps
and heavy touch of hand on hand
and cold air burning cheeks bright red
and heaters bringing out the best in our ability
to just lie still and complain
about things we know don't matter, and besides
with you, it's all a joke, it's all a game
and yet there's a seriousness to the smile in your eyes
that pins my chest to yours
and my mind to your words
and it's this combination that keeps me here
after hours, after the walls have been emptied of echoes
and the windows are darkened by cold and near-midnight

with you, growing older and younger
and happier
simple words come to mind
so here they are

let's keep growing together

i make these decisions without thinking
but then again, don’t we all?
there are some things that must be done
on the whim of a heart
or the quiet suggestion of a sudden realization
that the path to take has been cleared

so did i do the right thing?
i guess i’m just not used to opening my mouth
without thought to precede every syllable
and so decisions like these
take me weeks
and this has taken me days of split-seconds
long steps strung together
to make one big breathless change
and i am not left in the wake
of all this, no, i am
riding along

and i know this for sure, a new feeling
of certainty that i missed
feeling alive, occupying my own body
i missed the lack of control, i really did
and i missed the fear

i have grasped this feeling
and made it mine, while it has taken me
by the hand and pulled me forward
before i could ask a second time:

did i do the right thing?