I feel so sick when I think of her.
A sickly sweet illness fills my veins
And this creature inside of me feeds on herself
Turning
Turning
Turning herself inside out
Trying to reach out
Trying to get away.

Not knowing
What you want
Who you are
Who inhabits your body
Is a terrible
Sickening thing.

This creature living within me
Growing as I grow
Screaming as she pleases
Is so loud sometimes
"Drink drink drink up silly girl. What's it matter silly girl. Nothing changes silly girl. All the same all the same drinkdrinkdrink."
Sickly sweet as she tugs at me
Pulls my heart down to my feet
Crushing it with
Every
Passing
Glance
"Thinking of you they're thinking of you bad bad things they're thinking of you"

Sickly sweet as she pulls my puppet strings down down down
Hands in pockets
Eyes into sockets
Head down
Shoulders down
Feeling down
downdowndown.

She throws me to the floor in tears
And tosses me on the bed in repentance.
"So sorry silly girl so pathetic so pathetic"

I can't leave her.
I can't get away.
This woman inside of me
Sickly sweet.

I can't do this anymore.
What kind of life is this?

I'm a secret.
A ***** disgusting
Pointless secret.

Who cares if I whisper this mess
In their ear.
To cup my hands 'round the side of their face
And expose myself to them.

No one wants to hear about the hamster wheel spinning round and round in my head.
The tap tap tap of anxious could be's and angry could have been's.
Disappointment chain smokes out my arteries and throws the simmering cigarette butts into the pit of my stomach.
Hoping to start a flame.
To burn me up.
Inside out.

That's not a pretty story.
Not a fairy tale.
People want happy poems or depressing fables.
Ones that they don't have to look in the eyes afterward.

I have no interest in sharing doubts that gnaw away at my fingertips or the fears that grind my teeth.

Everything is fine
Is fine
Just
Like
This.
Just leave it.
Leave it alone.

It will go away
Or it will **** me yet.

So I'm supposed to
Discover
Who I am
What I want
What I am to be.

Where to begin
Discovering the deepest darkest secrets
The wants and the desires
Of this person I have grown to desest.

You
*******
left me.

Silence.

Envelopes me as I
drift off
into

Disassociation.

I really am
trying.

Can't you see me?

Because I'm

Stressed

Because I'm

Depressed

Because I'm

Weak

Because I'm

Making up excuses for why I keep

Killing myself

Depression
For me
is never
This
or
That.

Some days it's being sad
So sad and play that sad playlist
Titled Sad Songs
Make me cry
to
Make me feel
to
Make me
Sad.

Other times
I'm
Out with friends doing
Things I usually love and we're
"Having fun!"
But I'm
Faking it.
Don't wanna bother them
"Oh no I'm just tired"
Sort of
Depressed.

But then there's this.
I can't.
I'm
                           numb.
I'm here but I'm not
I'm laughing and
Responding and I'm here
But I'm
not.
And I'm terrified of myself.
Because if I'm not here
Who is in control of me
Aside from my
depression.
It's at this stage
That I stop.
And I'm not me anymore.
I'm just
             off.

So.

You're doing
great.

That's great
That's great
That's great.

Day 2

Isn't this cute

Halloween in June

This year
I'm

A mess.

And I just wanna rip my ******* heart out.
The loss of someone who was never mine.

Take my mind I don't wanna think about
All the times you made me feel just so
MOTHER ******* FINE.

And here's my eyes. I don't need em'.
When I close them all I see are ghosts of you.

Take these hands, I can't stand to feel them
Because it seems they've memorized the way you move.

Here's some stupid ******* ears. Do you want them?
Cuz I only hear that song you used to play.

And take my feet, I never use them,
Since that day they ran
Begging you to stay.

And I can't sleep
Soundly
I can't rest.
I can't handle all the great things that I
ruined I *******

MESSED

UP

EVERYTHING.

But go,
Just like hang out with your friends and get smoothies or some ****. And one day I'll see you walking and you'll catch me in your eye and your stupid friend, you know the one I'm talking about, that  one I hate? Yeah her. Well she'll say something ******* useless like "God isn't that girl the one that was like, obsessed with you or something lololsdlfkakdsjfLASDK".

And then you'll be all
"Hmm. hmm hmm hmm hm hm. Yeah. **** she's crazy."

Then I'll die.

Silence
has a way of

Announcing
Itself

so
incredibly
                    loudly

Panicked
Inhale
Thinking
Inhale
Eyes wide
Inhale
Sinking
Inhale

I can't seem to get a
Breath out
Lately.

It's not uncommon for me to have
Anxiety
With Zoloft on the ready
Who's to know.

My dreams blend
To reality
Can't make out
My fatality
Was it real-Am I dead-Just a dream

I can't seem
To get a breath out
Inhale
Inhale
Out

Without her
What am I supposed to do?
Words lose their meaning.
Taste
Sight
Sound
Touch.
Without her
What do I have?
Bland
Darkness
Silence
Emptiness.
Without her.

Her
Every cliche
Makes sense now

Hey
So I'm gay.
Apparently it's everybody's ******* business
While simultaneously being something that
No one talks about.

Oh that's great that your friend's aunt is a lesbian.
You know what we do in bed is sort of private I'd rather not talk about it at the bar.
No, no we don't want a ******* sir please stop asking I'm getting uncomfortable.

Is that normal?
Should it be?
To have questions asked so publicly. So out of line.
So obtrusive.

To have people tell on me as though I broke a vase or pushed my sister.
Oh, no, she's gay. This is my friend, but she's gay. No don't bother, she's gay. Gay gay gay.

I'm gay. Fine. Yes.
I'm not afraid of it.
Please stop giving me reason to be.

It's crazy that I lived
before her.
That I went through my days, good or bad or what have you,
and I didn't have her there.
With her,
nothing is meaningless.
There is no good,
no bad,
no what have you.
There is only me
and there is only her.
And that is all we need anymore.
Just us.

You can't reverse negativity on an impressionable being
You must simply wait for the next day
That they decide that the sun is shining
Rather than beating down
On
Them.

You can't take the blue
Out of my blood.
My love.
My love.
My love.

and it was just the two of them.
Driving the streets of the town.
Getting lost on the roads and in each other.
It didn't matter where the were.
It didn't matter where they were going.
They had each other.
And that was enough.

living off of memories
eyes closed
replay
eyes
lips
hands
hips
stop
rewind
replay

distance can be
difficult
when you
are so far
from your
other

The only one
That can turn an overwhelming moment
Into a lovely memory

You would think
That every little thing
That reminds me of you
Would bring
A grin
Of nostalgia.

But that fan
That reminds me of the way
Your hair blew in the wind

And the blanket
That reminds me of the times
We hid ourselves from the world

Only further remind me
That I am here alone
With these memories
And you are back home.

A love like this doesn't need a label.

A love like this just needs to be stable.

The only time
That I can say
In all honesty

That I was sure
That I was happy
That I was home

Was when she glanced to the side
And it was me
That she was looking for.

There's no coming back
From that love.

She was so much like a dream

Only with her

I truly believed

That I would never wake up.

I will love her
Forever.

There will never be a night
That I don't dream
In memories
Of her.

I love her so much
But she's leaving me soon
All my wishes are that she would stay.

And I kiss her so often
My lips are all chapped
But with each kiss
She's moving
Further
and further
Away.

Today has been far too negative for my taste.
Though I am a woman I am still as impressionable as a child
And the way that people speak
And choose their words
Can make
Or break
Me.

Shot down with a casual
Decline.
Not a thought as to how it would
Change me.

Turned off with a gesture of a brow
Not a care for how it could
Estrange me.

Think for a moment before you
Talk **** about that friend of ours
Because I'm not
******* STUPID.

Whether it be spoken now or later you're
Proving to me that you're nasty
And gastly
And  rude.
For ***** sake.
Be polite.

My colors change from
Yellow with the sun to grey or gray like the end
Of
The day.

Hello,
My name is
Gay.

I love
your feet because they take you to me
I love
your arms because they hold me
I love
your ears because you listen
I love
your cheeky toothy smile because it warms me
I love
your lips because you kiss me
I love
your eyes because you really see me
And I love
your heart because you love me

And now you want to talk to me.
To pick my mind
To bring to earth this hidden thing.
This secret you feel
You have a right to know.
This, that has always been
Within me.

You were unaware.
I was not.

This is not new.
This is new to you.

This is not a problem or surprise.
This is who I am.