Do your heart strings break when you think of me, too?
No.
I carried the love for me and for you.
With rose-coloured glasses, my tears washed your face.
While you whispered the sweet nothings
Of being your biggest mistake.
So, break if I must, to shed your skin.
One must end for another to begin.

Overwhelmed and underwhelimg
In the things most important
Drowning in the air I can no longer feel
Buzzing and swirling around me in melodies and soft caresses
That would spring my steps and twists my fingers into beautiful worlds of colour and chaos
Now I have been anchored in this underwhelming realm of ****
I can no longer see past the flesh around me
Feel the spirit of the trees
Nor hear the Goddess sing in the falling snow
No.
My life has become controlled by this...this small sponge of chemicals that absorbs all my colours and leave me dulled and gray
I'm calm; so calm I'm empty
There is music no more
And my magick is astray!
Is this normal?
Who would ever want to be normal??
I say, as I swallow the pills and start another day

Was it when you beheld all 7 pounds and 8 ounces of me that you decided you didn't want me?
(All I ever wanted was to be wanted by you.)
Or when your boyfriends favored my flesh over yours?
(To be protected by you.)
Was it when my health bottomed, and I became too much of a burden that you realized you didn't care for me?
(To be nurtured by you.)
I know I felt it at 16 with split wrists and no future in sight when you screamed I was your biggest mistake.
(It's alright, I am my own.)
The heartstrings snapped one by one at 18 as you threw me away like Tuesday's trash, inconvenient to your days' plans.
(All I ever asked was to be guided by you.)
I felt your hatred suffocating me as I covered your claw marks on my wedding day.
(All I needed was to be a daughter.)
The walls crumbled the day I gave you silence and you gave me back Flame.
So, to answer the question:
Yes, you cared. But only about the things you could hate me for.
I guess I'll always be the favourite mistake.
*(When all I ever wanted was my mother's love.)

I am but a leech, desecrating in lilly glossed waters;
Clotting beautiful beads, like bracelets, across wet flesh.
Desire is a horseman in this world, coming to close the curtains on the day.
Why stop? For lashes from the scepter that was to guide us?
Fractured and rotten; yet we still cling for a taste of a crumb of the life once held within it's dead trunk.
Death. But an old friend and a forgotten enemy greedily tickling this slicken frame.
Fingers float tempting whispers to my every nerve and I long for my senses to set ablaze in those writhing clutches
Screaming from inside for release that teases and tingles like the ****** that never comes. Shaken and slightly shrunken
Light blazes at the doors, searing and scorching the very flesh that holds a withered frame
No longer seeking escape,
I slither back to the darkness I seem to have forgotten was home once before

Finally, I have found Where the Sidewalk Ends!
Well, less "Where" more "What" and "When".  
The sidewalk is our timeline and each fixed point is an end!

Around our aura parts the currents of space and chaotic life.
Where we've both been trapt in its waters and we gained our years of fight.
Battling towards each individual branch, we see emanates of sounds and lights!
With laughs, cries, and hues galore we parade our guiding lanterns high!
For in the distance is curdled screams of wedding bells and flashing purple skies.

All this time bobbing in the waters, but it taken so long see
At each Sidewalks End, the darkness recedes and reveals pieces of you and me.  
Where a lantern collects a moment in time, each dew drop holds our melody
Each star holds pieces of a fragile heart, and every End is only The Beginning.

Drowning in the air I can no longer sense buzzing and swirling around me in melodies and soft caresses.
That would spring my steps and twists my fingers into beautiful worlds of colour and chaos.
Now, it just blows inconveniently and loud around everything that surrounds me.
I have become anchored in this underwhelming realm of ****
No longer can I see past the flesh around me; the hazy shadows leaving sneak peaks to the souls they carry
Or feel the ancient spirits of the trees with milennia of knowledge and wisdom slumbering soundly.
Nor hear the Goddess sing in the crisp, quiet caress that came with the fallen snow.
No.
My life has become controlled by this...this small atrocity that absorbs all my colours and leave me dulled and gray
I'm calm and clear; but so calm I am empty.
There is no music in this new mind of mine
And my magick feels locked away
Is this normal?
Who would darken such a sunny day?
I say as I swallow the pills anyway.

For the first time
In too many years
I look to a mirror
And what should I see
But a beautiful and loved woman
With a smile in her eyes and a gasp on her lips.
After so many years of uncertainty
I finally recognize the reflection

How will I ever be a mom
When my baby maker is as broken
As this dark heart?
What an unfair world

Shaking and sobbing
Silent and still.
At rest? There is no rest.
I've lost the will;
It's pouring from the hole in my chest.
I await:
Your laugh
That look
The pages of a new book.
Please!
Just take me away from this mess.
Is it me?
Or the by product of this love for you?
Ugh, ******* emotions.
If I'd just flip the switch, I could be free.
But is this a curse or am I blessed with this ability?
Blessed.
What a crock of ****.
I am a blessed mess without the ability to love less.
Because you taught me to love with all or nothing
And we are not a family of nothing.
So, we give it all.
And we fall fall fall
Down the rabbit hole,
Slamming to an abrupt stop,
Stumbling in search of the ones that fell with us.
So search I will; day after day and year after year; until my smile can replace the storm of tears
For now, I am shaking and sobbing
Silent and still
At rest, with no rest
Until I find the will

I see sunshine in your eyes
And moonlight in your smile.
My effervescent star;
My rainbow child.

Eagerly, I await that flutter in your chest
Or your head laid gently to my full breast.
With lullabies and whispers, we'll lay you to bed
And a kiss upon your small, curly head.

For I have sunshine in my eyes
And moonlight in my smile.
With you, come new life;
My darling, rainbow child❤

The hammer falls
And this tall elegant mirror
Cracks and shatters into a thousand jagged pieces
Crumbling to these aged oak floors

My demons come out to play.

At the edges, their dance is alluring
Their perfumes swirl around me like ***** smoke
And I fiend to tumble deeper down the rabbit hole
To remember
Or to forget
Those inescapable repercussions.

On my throat
Across my face
Dragging me back and pinning me down
Inside and out.
How they haunt my dreams and rouse me relentlessly
Until unconsciousness is no longer an escape
And wakefulness is a constant battle
Oh, how those hands have conditioned me
Fore, I am at a point where my reflection looks bland without colour dancing across my skin
Or his hand-prints a perfect recollection as to why I must obey

So, until I can recognize the woman in the mirror whose only colour is her own
My demons inch closer while you love away my pain

When someone you love dies,
It *****.
You lay awake at night, tying to process it.
Then, when you sleep, you either dream it never happened,
And get slapped in the face with it all over again in the morning;
Or you have nightmares of watching their soul seep away over their last few days,
And wake up in the dead of night,
With your heart thundering and tears in your eyes.

When the alarm goes off you have to take deep breaths and force yourself out of bed because,
Well, ****.
There's this gaping whole in your chest that constantly aches.
You use makeup to cover the dark circles and plaster a smile on your face because,
Guess what?
School doesn't just stop because your heart has.

Classes drag by, but they're a distraction.
But then the hours between are spent in empty bathrooms
With music turned up to muffle the insistent sobbing that comes when you find yourself alone again.
You'll stare at the blank walls,
Tv playing on in the background,
But your mind is empty and whirring at the same time.

This process repeats and repeats and repeats until,
Somehow, you manage to smile again without thinking of their face
And laugh without it turning to sobs
And the ache dulls down little by little.

So I just keep thinking,
Cry now because one day I'll be able to think of you and smile again.
It may feel like my whole world is gone
And the universe is continuously spinning around me,
But one day I'll catch back up to it.

Unfortunately,
Today isn't that day.

I don't want to 'chill'; I want to be courted.
I want to dance under the stars, not in a club.
Let's get lost and lay out, looking at the sky and sneaking side glimpse of each other when one of us isn't looking.
I don't need you to spend all your money on shiny things.
Just one that glistens on my finger when you get on one knee.
Let's spin around until we collapse in a fit of laughs.
Get me a bouquet of roses, with a fake one in the middle,
And say, "I'll love you until the last one dies."
Use every one of those cheesy pick up lines from every chick flick you've ever seen,
Because I guarantee you'll win me faster.
I know my heart is so young,
But my soul has some mileage.
What can I say, though?
There's nothing like a good, old-fashioned kind of love.

Today is a silent day.
A "lost in thought" kind of day.
When reality is not my first choice because my mind focuses on all the sharp, pointy things
And Today is not the day to succumb to sharp, pointy things.
I'd be fine if it wasn't for this book I started today.
Today's book is about a girl who likes sharp, pointy things.
And they keep describing it in such vivid details,
I can almost feel my skin splitting and a river pouring out.
But, Today can't be the day I break.
I've traded the sharp, pointy things for paint brushes
And the only designs on my wrists are done in pen.
But, Today, the world is weighing on me
And I just can't escape.
148 days is such a hard number to obtain.
And zero so easily found
But, I will reach 149.
Today will be mad
But, Tomorrow will be proud.

I told my heart not to **** around again
But Gods know it never listens
Always speeding up in your presence
Though I'm not the focus of your eye anymore
Your ***** *** smile still makes me want to smile along with you
I let you use me like it doesn't actually hurt
I was your world for a small fraction of time
And you were mine
But luck doesn't care for me enough to make it last
And my emotions will forever rule me
So, yeah, I'm sitting here craving your hands on my waist
Remembering the feeling of you holding me tight to your chest
The sound of your heart beat is still my lullaby
And the whisper of your breath on my neck still makes me tremble
Jesus, I fell for you so hard
Because you make me feel like summer on a cold, winter's night
**** man, it was because I thought you were the man I needed
That hero in my world of villains
But, I'm learning this is just a game to you
And I'm just along for the ride
This will probably be the hardest lesson I'll learn about love
So, before I go
I'm in love with you
And *******
And I'll see you Saturday night

Have you ever had a feeling you can't explain?
Lost and alone
In love and in pain
When you want to cry and scream and punch things until your knuckles become a ******, bruised mess.
And, at the same time you want to to be wrapped in the arms of your lover with your ear pressed to their chest?
But, there's so many feelings, you get overwhelmed and shut down
And you find yourself staring blankly at a wall for hours with nothing but a frown.
That feeling that envelopes your mind so it's empty and whirring at the same time.
The one that won't go away no matter how hard you try.
Yes? No? Maybe it's just me.
But I've got that feeling and it makes me want to scream.

Twelve years of difference
I still can't stay away
I've been swept up in your voice
And pulled into your games

The thought of loving you petrifies me
But the thought of forgetting you stabs  
It seems I'm stuck; not a soul at my side
Doomed to wander, heartbroken, through the lands

Here I stand in the darkness
As my heart swells at the mention of your name
Our story is as great as Daniel and Lucinda
Yet, I bet we could put them to shame

So, as the days are rolling by so slowly
And I just wish to call you mine
I'll sing the song of a hopeless romantic
Trapped in the wrong time

Pain and anger
Fear and lust
I want to forget
I want to be touched
I wanted to hide
I wanted to run
But I'm here in your arms and captured in your clutch  
I want to be rocked,
To be ruled and ride
I want to be trapped and buried alive
I want to be torn and torn in two
I want to feel every inch of you
But you want me to be a good girl and follow the rules
And I want to be naughty and show you how to use your tools
I'm torn between wanting you or running to hide
But if you hit this first
You'll know when I decide

As the flaming hues of yellows and reds and oranges
Gracefully fall across the horizon
The sky darkens.
The receding rays of gold fire and frost blue
Fade into deep ceruleans and violet purples
Until there is a world of an unlimited shade of blacks and silvers
Decorated with a galaxy of stars
Spanning every shade, tone, and hue of a rainbow
And everything is, was, an will always remain
An explosion of colours

A crush
Is the birth
Of the butterflies
That flutter when in love
And the ending
Of a once
Innocent
Heart

Someone who enjoys pain
Smiling as blood drips from wounds
And dopamine pours from the brain
A moan escapes as your teeth clamp down
Coated with bruises
To show to the whole town
Pulling on heartstrings
Or pulling on hair
The pain is the same, so why do I care
Because I'm a ******* baby
Punish me good; all night and all day
Because, if I can feel the pain
I know you'll stay

January 8th of 1998 is the day your game began
Already holding up an enraged mother in a fatherless home with your small, infant hands
As the years go by, it all gets better, you can see the light of day
But just hold on, my dearest friend, your teenage years are on their way

November 23rd of 2011 is when the tables are turned
You befriend the sad, lonely girl and shed light on her tattered world
Up and down this round goes and you hold each other for dear life
It may seem endless, but I promise you, things will turn out right

April 19th of 2015 you are reaching the last of your bluffs
No matter how many times you go over it, the terrain always remains rough
This hand you were dealt is a nasty one, with tears and screams and fights
Just hold on, I've been there and survived it, and I will serve as your guiding light

The light of the sky darkens
And clouds roll in thick
Lightening flashes in my eyes
Thunder cracks like a snapped twig
All the happiness is drained away
As the clouds swell in pride
I lay on the ground, cold and drained
I've lost all my fight
Suddenly the ground quivers
All the structures shake
Raindrops gush from the near-black sky
And I'm slowly washed away

Cheers to the girl with a mind bigger on the inside than it is on the outside
Tears to the mad woman who can never keep up with the up side and the down side
Yes to the silly girl, the happy girl, the fun girl searching for adventures
No to the mature girl, the scary girl, the dark girl making choices and suffering consequences
Fun for the mad woman that sees world after world
Done is the good girl that has gone to war
This girl and this mad woman, living side by side
One in the dark and one in the light
But under the skin, in their two hearts, where the truth really hides
You'll find nothing but fear, guilt, rejection, and lies

His first kiss, her last kiss
By the bars of the cell he put her in
His love is the love of a bestmans' girl
Who's two hearts follow her across the worlds
This mad man that never realized he waited too long
To love his sweet, Riversong

My reason for life
That which pumps life blood throughout my veins
And out of my wounds
That flushes my cheeks
When you enter a room
My heart that is held in your hands
And beats rapidly at your touch
This poor, tattered heart that can never get enough

Hiding behind lipstick and cigarettes,
She slips on a tight dress
Only to slip out of it again and again.
This girl,
This teenage girl that clutches her secrets as she steps onto a midnight street
Where everyone thinks she's just a piece of meat.
They can bite and tear into her until they're satisfied
And then leave her laying with tears in her eyes.
This girl,
This teenage girl, who has already had to learn how to survive.

For hours on end she slips in and out of the dress,
Her clothes disheveled, her hair now a mess.
All she holds onto is that she can make it through.
So, with a stack of cash and a warm cup of Joe,
She shuffles and limps the long way home.
"Food" and "Rent" is laid on the table
And she steps in the shower, barely able.
The tears flow freely with no one is sight
This girl,
This poor, teenage girl, who has become trapped in the night.

If you be Mercedes, I'll be Benz
If you be best, I'll be friends
If you are cloud, I'll be nine
And if I am forever, you must be mine
The words are a phrase
The lines a rhyme
The paper is us
The pencil is time
As long as the pencil does not break
The memories of us will never fade
So, as this pencil grows weak, all I'll ask to say
Is if you forget me tomorrow, remember me today

A part of me loves you.
Loves to hold your hand and laugh at your jokes,
To hug you tight and never want to let go.
I miss you when you're gone
And hate when you leave,
A part that cries when you're sick
And is happy that you still breathe.
I want to say you know me,
My hobbies and my dreams.
I want to say I have a dad that truly loves me.

Then, there's a part of me that hates you.
Hates that you broke my heart and left me behind,
Never wiped my tears when I started to cry.
I pray that you forget me
And never want to come back,
A part that knows you've chosen your liquor over me
And hopes you have a heart attack.
I want to forget your face,
Your name, your number, and your life.
I want to forget I have a dad that has caused me so much strife.

These parts coexist inside me.
A never-ending battle inside my heart.
Hate can win or love can lose,
It depends on how my day starts.
So, patiently I'll wait for that inevitable call
That day your heart ceases to beat,
Until then there will always be
Two halves of a whole that make up me.

Nothing is better than The Rush.
No feeling in the world can compare to the high.
The smell of a powdery mountain overtakes my nose.
The tingle of a warm syrup slithers through my veins.
The inhale of smoke swarms into my lungs.
And the days slowly fade away.

Nothing is worse than The Crash.
When you can feel the euphoria dripping out of every crevice.
The stink of the sweat that rains down over my clammy skin.
The aches and shadows that encompass my sunken eyes.
The cramps that seize me and ******* my body.
Make me realize the I can't live without the high.

Life was easy before I met you
Before I could recall all your perfect imperfections with ease
Your messy hair
Your lanky arms
The depth of your eyes when you try to hide your sadness
Even as I write this, I see them in my mind
And my heart swells with pride

Love wasn't in my vocabulary before I fell in love with you
I never knew the sensation of a quickening heart when you are near me
I didn't realize I could babble so fast and incoherently until you said you loved me
How beautiful a smile can be when it's for you
How bright a soul can burn at the sound of you name
Since then, I know I'll never be the same

My heart never beat so fast until you broke it
My eyes never cried so many tears until you punched a hole in my chest
I never knew pain at a ten until that ungodly night
Yet, five years since the day we met, we still stand side by side
After the fights and the words and the rivers we've cried
We can still share 'I love you'
We can still dance through the night
Laugh and hold each other tight

I have never felt such deep emotions until I met you
And, as our lives progress, our love will stay true
So, my dear, I finally see
Exactly what you've done to me

The pristine crystals of ice
Glisten under the light of the moon
And the snap of crisp twigs underfoot
Startle those not immune.
The sparkling white,
A blanket of encased life,
Is a frigid treat
To these cold eyes.

Society tells me my size 22 hips
Are disgusting
That the hole in my lip
Is atrocious
My pointed nails, my blue hair, my black clothes
Are products of the devil
I am given freedom of religion yet, I am condemned because my Goddess is not
your God
I am poked and prodded at because my sexuality goes beyond laying with a man
In my state, I cannot marry a women because society is so entrapped in their perfect religion
How is this a fair world if I cannot be me?
As a woman, I am expected to keep my opinion to myself, bear children, and serve a husband
Yet, I am independent and creative
I thrive to make my own path
To be successful in myself and those closest to me  
To be unique and to question everything I will not conform to a society in which I cannot think for myself

I believe in what cannot be seen
Therefore, I am crazy
I work better alone; think better on my own
I keep my words in my brain because they aren't the same as everyone's
So, I am depressed
My body composition is curvaceous and *****
So I starve myself to get the body society has entitled as perfection
But, what of my body?
Do I live how I see fit?
Hiding from mirrors and cameras, covered up by the baggy clothes boys wear on a day to day basis
Or do I entomb myself in a decaying corpse to live a short life of perfection
No.
I will walk with my head held high and my skirt blowing in the wind
Because I will not conform to society's definition of perfection

I crave affection in the physical form
Therefore, I am a ****
But you don't know my back story
You do not know how my entire life I was deprived of the emotions I so desperately craved
I don't know how to feel when a feeling is all that is offered to me
So, I remain alone
Because I am not beauty in society's eye
Therefore, I am not your first choice
Even though everyone says 'do not judge a book by it's cover'
I am cast away before you get to know me
Before you know my talents, my hobbies, my aspirations in life, my goals, my struggles, the reasons behind my words
Because society has been taught to love with the eyes and not the heart
What about the pigmentation of my skin complexion?
Society automatically disregards me as a troubled teen
That I will just become another statistic of the African-American populace
But I say I won't
Because my ancestors fought and died for their freedom, therefore I should fight for my say in my life
I will not be fat-shamed
I will not be ****-shamed
I will not be black-shamed
Because I cannot and will not conform to a society in which I cannot be me

When I am with you
My soul is alight
My body electrified
Tu es mon autre moitié

When I am alone
I crave the feel of your skin
I hunger for the lightness of your fingers through my hair
Je ne peux pas être sans votre lumière

So, as I lie next to you
Tucked in close to your side
There is only one thing in this world I am certain of
*Mon cœur aime ton cœur

The taste of smoke on my lips
The way liquor cascades across my tongue
Your hands rough against my hips
As I try to feel in a body, so numb

A heart that beats for no one's love
Fighting a world so dark
Praying for help from someone above
And wishing on fallen stars

Surrounded by everyone, and no one, in turn
Using art to express why I hide
Inside, I bury the pain and the hurt
Whilst I struggle to live a trying life

Six hours a day
Five days a week
We laugh
And smile
And gossip
And just talk
We fangirl
We sing
We cheat
We walk
We never share those deepest of secrets
Never speak of family or friends
Yet, someone we manage to talk for five days to no end
But, outside those doors
And away from that town
We are nothing but strangers, home bound
Not a text nor a call
Not a word for days
We live our lives in very different ways
Sometimes I may cross your mind
And other times you have crossed mine
But, we never go out of the way
To give each other the time of day
So, if there is one thing I keep, once the years come to an end:
You were just an acquaintance; ne'er a friend

Welcome to my haven
My prison
My heaven
My hell
Welcone to my life