where is my indian
is it in the way i don't use my palms as a medium to transport rice into the back of my mouth
is it in the way my face turns gloomy at the sight of spice and curry
is it in my skin color that isn't as brown as you need it to be
is it in my eyebrows which aren't as bushy as per your requirements

is it in the way my tongue twists awkwardly as i say happy diwali
is it in the way amma is the most fluent piece of tamil i speak
is it in the way i didn't know how to recite the words at my grandpas funeral
is it in the way i cannot, for the life of me, name you another tamil movie besides chandramukhi?

or

is it in the religious classes i took up until age 12
is it in the ramayana epic that i learnt, age 8
is it in the sanskrit bhajans i was made to sing, not knowing what they meant, age 10
is it in knowing that ganesh is the remover of obstacles,
brahma, vishnu, shiva - the creator, the preserver, the destroyer

is it in the eyeliner drawing a bindi in between my eyes when i
head to the temple, to present myself as indian

where is my indian
is it on a checklist, is there a passing mark?
where is my indian
please tell me,
because i am tired of feeling like a foreigner in my own skin

this morning i woke up
looked in the mirror
and i saw you

you're cold, aren't you?
tired, shivering
i look for your shadows
but where are they

everything is so dark
where did you go
you were right there

suddenly it is warm
the sun comes up
i turn back

where are you

there is light
all i see is a big yellow bulb
and rays; beaming with joy

suddenly the leaves rustle
a chill runs down my spine,

oh
welcome back,

my nightmare,
my other half

generation d
generation depressed bold, underlined, size 12, arial
generation death is no longer a want it's a need, look at the eyebags this education chose to breed
generation dizzy this tequila doesn't burn as much as your name on the tip of my tongue does
generation dish your depression jokes on a platter, serve it warm, cold, frozen - whatever makes you laugh goes, right?
generation dobby is not a ******* free elf

generation dopamine, because honestly, where the **** is mine

first,
you will try to recollect the way i smile
the lines that my eyes make and the light that shines through them
the way i squint when i try to read letters that are far too small
the different wavelengths of laughter
the sneaky one when the politician i voted for won against yours
the sarcastic one when i insult your favorite football team

then you will try to remember the way i ate
the mess i made when i tried to gather rice in my hands
the smile when all of you were not too happy about the mess

then you will remember when i stopped using my walking stick
and when it hurt to walk

then you will realize you can't remember if my favorite sarong is checkered or plain
if it was indigo or brown
was it silk, was it cotton?

then you will realize that the newspaper company you still subscribe to, in memory of me - has shut down
then you will realize my favorite tv show has aired its season finale, and they're not available online
then you will realize my optician no longer makes lenses to the glasses i used to wear
then you will realize the wooden chair i used to live in
has shattered


that is when,
you will take a step back


and i will be

nothing
but
a
faded
*memory

derived from the numbing shivers that start from the bottom of my spine, like electric waves
into the membrane of my skull, through the pores in my godforsaken skin
down to the infoldings of my brain, straight to the grey matter

a sensation felt by the heart, an emotion experienced by the body

a state of mind

I am the horror inside your head, I am the voice that keeps you awake at night. I am the reason you question your purpose and I am the reason your existence feels pointless. I am the tunnel that gushes thoughts of suicide into the membrane of your skull and I am the darkness that swallows your shadow and you. I am the melancholic music that accompanies your hums when your playlist is on pause, I am the dancer who holds your waist as you lay in bed screaming at 4 in the morning. I am your inability to look after yourself, I am the switch that flickers as you chop off all you hair, did you really think changing the way you look would change the way you feel? I am the sweat that trickles down your skin as you accidentally make eye contact with the girl down the road. I am the tremor in your fingers when your phone starts to ring. I am the air you can't seem to breathe in when you are surrounded by someone other than yourself, I am the lungs that treat oxygen like it is poison. I am the magnified noises in a sea of people, I am the stop button that speeds up movement around you, leaving you stranded with no time to blink. I am the reason your empty bed doesn't feel empty when you go to sleep alone. I am the denial you dwell in, I am the reluctance you feel in your chest. I am the fractured ray of hope and the fading glimmer of faith. I will rob you of everything that you have ever known and feed off your smile. I am the parasite that will leave you breathless. I am Depression. Meet my twin, Anxiety. Together, we're DnA.

pop the xanax
before dawn, they will turn their backs
pop the xanax
both hands behind your head, standing on the edge of the decks
pop the xanax
maybe if you try you'll figure out all the hacks
pop the xanax
what else tonight, dewars or shots of jacks
pop the xanax
don't keep telling me what my brain lacks
pop the xanax
what does it feels like to have dosages on max
pop the xanax
do you still try to forget, inhaling cigarette smoke by the packs
pop the xanax
you don't understand mother, my thoughts come from a buy one free one off the racks
pop the xanax
does it take your mind off everything, all that ***?
pop the xanax
my sadness shows up on time, always reminding that there's tax
pop the xanax
i tried to light up a candle to cast away the darkness but then it started to burn, all that wax

just pop the ******* xanax

you say tomorrow will be better
you say the world will start over
you say the sun will shine again
my empty, sacrificed soul is lying on this godforsaken land
breathless
drowning
in a sea of opiods i am a bubbled addict
a bubble that ceases to exist
a bubble that is overlooked
a bubble so blank you'd almost consider it dust
dreams are for the hopeful
but where is hope when every inch of your skin feels like a graveyard
where is hope when blood feels like it is draining out of your body at the speed of sound
where is hope when the lump on your throat blocks your airway and you feel your body shutting down
where is hope when you question everything that you are, am i even a thing
where is hope when the answer never seems to stay
where is hope when this temple feels like it was built only to shatter
where is hope when the ground I walk on turns into a sinkhole and the water I drink turns into a sea monster
where is hope when the sunshine i bathe in turns into a third degree burn, my skin sCREAMING RIP IT ALL OFF
where is hope when my parasitic mind is looking to swallow me whole
where is hope when i sit on this empty highway and wonder if
tomorrow will actually
be worth fighting for
where is hope in this funeral
don't ask me where's the body
i am the body
your forced eulogies and apologies, don't ask me
don't ask me where's the body
i am the body
this is the funeral, i am the funeral

Depression - My Story

I suffered in silence. For months, I felt like I was making excuses for myself and being lazy. The once bright, smart, cheerful me disappeared a bit at a time. With each wave, I'd feel more exhausted than I already did before. I felt tired, hopeless and dead on the inside for as long as I can remember. I started losing interest in some of my favorite things and even basic things like eating and showering had drained the living daylight out of me.

And then I tried to reach out to my friends. My head was telling me that I needed help, I couldn't do it on my own anymore. My body was reluctant but there were only two obvious options - help, or death. I tried therapy once, I gave up. Soon, everything kept *******. My life was out of order. I couldn't get out of bed for days, I was self-harming. I saw myself get into substance abuse and was counting on alcohol to get me through my days.

My grades suffered too, I could no longer focus on anything at all. I couldn't sit through a 2 hour movie, I couldn't pay attention to a one hour lecture, I couldn't finish a novel for over 6 months and I still haven't ( I'm the kind of person who finishes at 400 page novel in 2 days, mind you ), I couldn't hold conversations without zoning out. My sleep schedule was altered terribly and all I thought about was death. I was numb, emotionally empty and gone. I had lost my willingness to live and through all of that, I kept pushing myself to achieve good grades just to prove that I could do it. That, being my biggest mistake.

Each time I felt like I had won the battle in my head, it would last a week at most. I would then find myself falling into the same black hole and crawling, choking, gasping for air and trying to find my way out of it. I felt like I was doomed into eternal damnation and that was it for me. My life was over.

And then, came hope.

I think I finally accepted how terrible things were  after my numerous suicide attempts, and soon I had no choice but to leave my Pre-University course and seek for help, and this time quitting was not an option. I will always remember the day my parents and I decided that I would pack my things and leave college immediately. Two of my closest friends sat on my bed, we held hands and exchanged prayers for my recovery. These are the very friends who opened their home for me every time I had an episode. The very friends who rush from class with food for me every time I am too tired to get out of bed. The same friends who cook dinner for me, wake me up each morning. Send me messages of encouragement, and most of all - constantly pray for me. The same friends who saved my life, time and over again. And through it all, chose to love me without ever complaining.

Order still isn't restored, I still have my ugly days. I still see my psychiatrist, I'm still on antidepressants. But now, I know that my life isn't over. As a matter of fact, my life has just begun; and I have a purpose. One of my greatest dreams is to inspire people and so, I want my story to make a difference to anyone who feels like they are alone. To anyone who feels like the answer to all your suffering and pain is suicide, to anyone who feels like depression has taken over their lives and to anyone, who feels like no one understands. To anyone who feels like it is over.

Depression isn't just the lack of love, it isn't just the loss of a loved one. Not just how you feel after a broken relationship or when you fail your exams. I had more love that I ever deserved, I had all the support in the world. I had amazing people around me who more than anything - wanted me to survive. I'm not there yet, but I know that some day, I will be.

My depression does not define me. My scars carry more stories than my heart ever will, and my smile, it carries stories of how recovery; like I once said, isn't a myth. It is possible.

Through it all, I owe my greatest thank you's to my family, friends, lecturers and psychologists for never once giving up on me, even when I did. To the people I barely even knew who reached out to me every time I was starting to sound suicidal on my social media accounts. For never complaining, for being my rock. I love each and every one of you so much.

A little note to you, reader.

Hey you,

First, I want to tell you that you have nothing to prove. You live for yourself and every single one of us has a different journey. I want you to know that things will get better. It sounds clichè, I know. Everyone says the same **** thing, I know that too. But I promise you, the sun will rise again and the storm will pass. Darkness will evaporate and light will surround you. The weight of the world will be lifted off your shoulders, and life will restart. You will live, you will get through this. I am with you. Now, and always.

i still am trying to hold back my tears as i write this down. i thought about on my way home and debated with myself for a good 3 hours and decided that i have to write this, if not for people, for myself.

i visited the ward as a visitor today. it felt weird to be on the other side of the door. it felt weird to be on the other side of the glass, and it felt weird to look into the eyes of someone i once knew.

it hurt that as soon as i walked through the open doors, i hear the screams of a man speaking in a language i did not understand. it hurt to watch him being pinned down by 2 men almost twice his size. it hurt to watch his mental pain being temporarily stopped with physical pain.

it hurt as we started talking. it took almost every ounce of courage inside of me to hold my tears back, because i knew that me crying would dampen his spirits and affect his recovery. and i knew exactly what that feels like.

it hurt to sit back and watch him explain his illness in terms i knew far too well. it hurt to hear him say " stay here, you would understand this more than anybody else. " it hurt that i understood. it hurt that for that brief moment, i didn't want to understand. i didn't want to be in there. my legs were shaking but i listened anyway.

it hurt to hear him explain how the electricity worked and hurt his jaws. it hurt to tell him to be strong, because i knew how much it would take out of him to just try. it hurt that he cracked up jokes in the middle of our conversations, i didn't feel like laughing at all.

it hurt to watch so many people suffering from illnesses they never asked for, it hurt to watch so many of you suffering from the pain you don't deserve. it hurt to just sit there and not be able to do anything about it. it hurt.

but it hurt because it wasn't my place to feel hurt, it was yours. it was your place to scream and shout. it was your place to cry and break down into a million pieces.

but it hurt because you couldn't, because in your head you are fine. in your head, you're at work. in your head, none of this ever happened. in your head, 20 cops didn't restrain you. in your head, this is a perfect world.



but it didn't hurt because i knew deep in my heart that no matter what, the way i feel about you will never change. the strong, courageous, brave, joyful, kind, happy man that i grew up knowing will always have a place in my heart. no amount of ect's and antidepressants will take that away.

*so thank you, for opening my eyes to all the pain in the world.  thank you, for making me understand that there is greater suffering in the world. thank you, for teaching me the value of gratefulness. thank you, for educating me, even if it was through your suffering.

you may think this is going to be a list of how i almost killed myself about 10 times, or how i was stuck in the psychiatric ward but no, it isn't.

1. Depression taught me to rely on God. I found my faith and realized that my God is bigger than my mental illness. I found light even in darkness and learned to lean on Him more than I ever have, and I am so grateful.

2. Depression taught me to stand on my own two feet. I learned very early into my diagnosis that I had to save myself because no prince or princess charming was going to come in a pumpkin carriage and sweep me off my feet and no fairy godmother is going to flick her wand and take my illness away. It was my battle to fight.

3. Depression showed me the people who loved me for me. It was quite easy to figure out the people who wanted something from me and the people who wanted me. It was heartbreaking to realize the truth, but better late than never hey? Cutting off everyone who only chose to be a part of my life for their selfish needs has done me more good than any other choice I've made thus far, I am so happy.

4. Depression taught me to be kind. Being thrown into what felt like the deepest pits of hell taught me what pain truly feels like. I had always known that mental illnesses were torturous, but experiencing it first hand is a whole new level and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemies. I learned that everyone is suffering and we all fight battles, and how important it is to recognize that the person next to you may be going through hell and just chooses to be silent about it. Be kind. It may not mean anything to you, but it may mean the world to the person next to you.

5. Depression taught me that I am a strong *******. It tried to break me, over and over again. It put thoughts into my head and told me I wasn't good enough and I would never be, good enough. It told me I had to harm myself to feel things and it told me I would be better off dead. It told me I wasn't worth of love, happiness, kindness - I wasn't worth anything. It told me to wreck myself because I meant nothing anyway. It told me to make decisions that only made me feel worse because at that point - I would have done anything to take the pain away. But here I am today, able to write all of this without shedding a single tear. Because I am strong. I suffered, but I survived. And nobody will ever, be able to take that away from me.

6. The last, and most important lesson. I've always wanted to change lives, make a difference. Depression taught me that I didn't need to change 200 lives at once. I didn't need to change the world when I was 18 years old. All I needed to do was listen to someone, give someone a hug. Talk to someone when they needed a friend. I was changing the world, even if I didn't realize it. And I will continue to do it.



To everyone who's wondering, I'm off anti-depressants now. The fear of relapse constantly does bug me, but my will to survive exceeds everything else. I am a fighter. And so are you.

First off, you probably already know I am a people hoarder. I keep everyone close to my heart, even the ones I know I shouldn't. But like poison, you crept into my blood stream and choked me. You watched me suffer and scream for help and watched, because that is what you are - a watcher.

I want you to know this wasn't an easy decision to make. Regardless of good or bad, you played a role in my life and kept the balance going. But I've decided to disrupt the balance - as silly as it sounds. I told myself I was going to give, and give until I have nothing left to give. But I've seen emptiness. And the dark scares me.

I've realized that it is pointless to **** myself for someone who doesn't see my worth. Call me petty, call me self-centred. I will not sacrifice for someone whose intention is to use me. There is, a fine line between being kind and naive. Unfortunately, it was you who made me realize the difference.

I'm sorry you mistakened my kindness for " hey please step all over my head because I'd never find out anyway. " I'm sorry you thought I hadn't heard of the story of broken glass. When glass breaks, you can fix it. It'll just never look the same. Glue, tape - hate, love. I tried it all. It never really does work, you know. The story isn't cooked up.

I'm sorry you took my company for granted because I don't know if my absence will affect you - but I should learn how to no longer care. Don't get me wrong, it's going to hurt. But sometimes you have to just pull through - because that is exactly what life is about.

Having you in my life has affected me terribly in some ways. You watched as I hit my lowest - as I fell into deep rubbles, as I walked out of it fighting, only to hit the ground again every single time. I'm sorry you had to see the worst of me, and didn't know what to do or say. I forgive you - you didn't deserve to see me that way, I apologize.

I still wish you the very best in everything that you do. You were once upon a time all I thought I needed, but it is time to let go. I loved you then, I love you still. I'll light up candles for you occasionally, and I am sorry it had to end this way.

Take care, stranger. I think I'll miss you forever.

i am twirling in a dark space
the door is slammed shut, i heard the keys were right down the door
there are no windows,
there is no laughter

all i have known is my head locked between my thighs,
all i have screamed for is the help that never seemed to be enough,
all i have felt is the tears running down my face,
all i have heard is the laughter - this silence is deafening

i have tried to reach for the door but i can't find it,
how do i let the light in?
how do i open up my heart?
how do i let this pain float away?
how do i ask sadness to let me go?

i am stuck in this room,
i am stuck against this wall and i can't see,
the dark doesn't scare me anymore,
this now feels like home.


the dark is my home,
don't call my name for i am long gone,
all that is left of me is the shell of the person i once was,
i am a walking, breathing, corpse

don't ask me to feel,
all i remember is pain.
don't piece the broken fragments,
i want to be gone.

*i want to be gone.

my heart is empty and my mind won't shut up, it keeps repeating a mantra " you're not good enough, die. you're not good enough, die. you're not good enough, die. " every part of my body aches just to drag my feet out of my bed and i am freezing cold under the sunlight. i feel like i am in a crowd of people and everything around me is moving at the speed of light but i am stuck in one place, unable to move. everyone keeps moving and i am screaming but no one will stop to listen. i am drowning in a sea of people, i am suffocating. the voices won't shut up. i beg for them to leave me alone, just for a day - i say. i hear the laughter in my head and it's true - i will never be left alone. i reach for the blades and i hear my parents ask " will you ever stop hurting yourself? " " why are you cutting yourself? " - BUT MUM I AM ADDICTED TO THIS PAIN. i don't want the alcohol, i don't want the cigarettes. i want to watch myself bleed to death - i want to be in a coffin. my mood jumps suddenly. suddenly i am the happiest person in the entire ******* universe. everything is funnier and i laugh at the stupidest things. someone trips over and jesus it's like i've never seen someone fall. my books drop and it's like i haven't heard a sound like that in my life. my sister laughs and it's like i haven't seen her in 2 years. then the voices come back and i forget who i am. i am so sad and i scream at everyone around me. my heart is empty and i am worthless. my existence is purposeless and these antidepressants make me even more worthless. my fingers are freezing and the voices get louder. my blade runs back and forth and my mum says these scars aren't going to fade, ever. but mum, i don't really care because i don't even know if i want to be alive tomorrow. " i want to see you get out of it"  but mum, i was never given a choice. depression ****** my soul like a vacuum cleaner and anxiety followed because it was her best friend. bipolar disorder then followed because three is a charm? feeling like dying isn't a way to live and i am so tired. i honestly am so tired. i am tired of hating myself, i am tired of starving myself because i feel so ugly. i am tired of binge eating and then throwing up at 12 am because that's how ****** it feels like to be upset. i am so sick of this void inside of my body that jusT WONT LEAVE ME ALONE

i am alone and it is dark
the light's are switched on and there are two people next to me
one by the name of depression, and anxiety; it's best friend
there is occasionally a third, he calls himself schizophrenia

i am tired and my heart is heavy
there are rocks in my chest and there are pebbles in my throat
i want to take a knife and cut it wide open and rip them out
they are choking me and i forget what it's like to breathe

my mind reaches out to the first thing i know, blades
i can't find any and i panic, what do i do now
do i jump off? do i overdose?
just tell me what i have to do to take this pain away from my heart
please
please
please
just tell me

Depression and anxiety had completely taken over my life at the age of 19. At 19, I was completely done with life. I was ready to die. I was ready to leave all the friendships I had ever known and all the family I had ever learnt to love. I want to share my story with you, so you know that you do not have to do this alone.

My struggles started at the age of 15, when I had gone through somewhat a traumatic incident in high school. I went from being jovial, full of life, bright and brilliant to quiet, self-hating and isolated. At this point of time, I had heard of the term depression but didn't think it was what I was experiencing. I told myself that it was just PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder; and it would be gone in no time at all. The incident that had altered my personality never seemed to go away, but I drowned myself in books as I was about to sit for one of the two major exams I had to face in high school. I got through it with flying colors and my parents were extremely proud of me.

Time went on and things got better, I had forgotten about the ordeal; not completely - but definitely progressively. I was never again the old, happy me. My parents assumed it was me growing up - and so did I. Then, I lost my grandfather.

I spent the 3 month break I had before starting college staying with my grandmother. It was lovely, I spent my time lazing around and talking to her about her past and she enjoyed telling me stories of how she grew up. The loss of my grandfather still feels unreal. There are days I'd tell my cousins or my family that I can't believe it's been over a year that he's left us all. I think death leaves behind a void that time doesn't really heal - time doesn't heal all wounds, just the wounds you choose to nurse.

Then, I started college. Things were alright for the first couple of months and then, everything started going downhill. I was no longer interested in going for classes, and all I wanted to do was sleep, really. I wasn't eating -  I could go two days without a single sip of water and my sleep schedule was altered terribly. I spent my afternoons and evenings asleep and would be wide awake from 10 at night to 4 in the morning. The world that I had built was falling apart and I could not piece it back together. I was in so much of mental pain that I resorted to self-harming. I would sit in the shower and cry for hours sometimes, praying that my sadness would go away and everything would return to the way it was. I could no longer write poems, or read. I didn't want to go out and I wanted to do everything in my power to be dead.

Not long later, I started counting on alcohol and cigarettes to get me through my days. I would find comfort for nothing more than a night and then find myself back to square one - alone, hurting, upset, tired. I hadn't felt anything like that and thought that I was just being lazy, but my mind knew it was more than just that. My results deteriorated and I was forced to open up to the lecturer who was in charge of the Student Council. I joined the Student Council because I was terrible at making friends - I sat through two semesters in college and had held less than 10 conversations with my classmates. I remember having nightmares at night when my lecturer said that we had to pair up in groups of 4 for every lab session. I was terrified at the very idea of having to talk to 3 strangers for one whole hour - I didn't show up for any lab sessions that semester.

My lecturer suggested that I see the college psychologist. I met her once and she was pretty straightforward - what I was experiencing was depression and anxiety. She urged me to see a psychiatrist to undergo a psychiatric evaluation to understand fully the seriousness of my mental health. I was afraid and I could not do it. I didn't know how I was going to tell my parents that I was depressed - I wasn't able to get out of bed and I was crazy. I was crazy - or so I made myself believe. I was agitated - how could she tell me that? I was terribly devastated at the fact that once again - I had let my parents down.

I skipped therapy after that, only to find myself getting worse - day by day, week by week. I was terrified at the idea of depression and medication. At the age of 19, I had attempted suicide close to ten times. I would sit by the balcony of the apartment I was living in at weird hours of the morning and say my goodbyes in my head, and be too afraid to leap because my mum's face would flash in front of my eyes. I would take the blade and hold it to my wrists and say this is it, just a little deeper this time. The voices in my head grew louder and the rocks in my chest became heavier. I would think - maybe pesticide, maybe asphyxiation, maybe drowning. All these thoughts and yet, something was holding me back. Hope - perhaps?

There was literally no more order left in my life. I was in a terrible state when one of my friends had asked me to move in with her - fearing my safety. She made me breakfast, talked to me, made me take regular showers and planned dinner. I had the best friends in the world - to which I owe my life. They saved me; through God, through faith, through kindness, through understanding, through love, care and compassion. Then - it was rock bottom. I was on the edge of my life when I had no choice but to inform my parents.

They decided that I would return home. I will always remember that day. My best friends and I held hands on my bed - formed a prayer circle and prayed for my recovery. That very image still brings tears to my eyes. I came home and had no choice but to see a psychiatrist and this time, quitting wasn't an option. I was very quickly diagnosed and put on antidepressants. I go for psychotherapy once every two weeks. I wasn't able to leave my house for over a month but I have made some progress.  My shoulders feel lighter - I do not have to carry the weight of the world. I have given up smoking and drinking, recovery is my only goal.

At 19 years old, I was this close to death. At 19 years old, I survived the darkest days of my life. At 19 years old, I fought for my survival and made it out alive. I made it out alive. You may think a 19 year old has yet to see the world, and I may be too young to say anything at all. But always remember, you are never alone. Maybe you think your sadness will always be a part of you, maybe the voices will keep talking to you, maybe your nightmares will never stop. But you do not have to do this on your own.

Just today I returned from a vacation with my family - we really needed it. We went out to dinner and I saw probably the prettiest sunset in the world - it's on my Instagram account! Then, we decided to go shopping and I walked into a bookstore and flipped one of the self-help books and came across a quote that caught my attention - " it is better to light one candle, than to curse at the dark".

I'd like to think that that was life's way of telling me that better days are coming and that; was my new beginning.

That was my sunset, that was my new beginning.

**I am a fighter, and I am worthy of life.

my body and thoughts are split into half right in the middle
there is a parallel cut right through my heart, splitting me into two

there is a part of me that wants to survive to see tomorrow,
and then a part of me that is so tired and just needs it to end; now

there is a part of me that wants to prove that recovery is possible,
and then a part of me that says maybe you won't be the one to prove it

there is a part of me that wants to write, and keep writing
and then a part of me that just wants to sleep and never wake up

there is a part of me that wants to get married, have kids and be happy
and then a part of me that says i would slit my wrists and my kids would be traumatized for life

there is a part of me that tries to convince me that tomorrow will be better

but how many times do you have to tell yourself that tomorrow will be better - before tomorrow is actually better?

i am two halves that contemplate between life and death,
and i am not sure i will ever be whole and choose only life;

make this stop.

when i say i am tired
i am tired of explaining why my head is so full of thoughts that eat my heart from the inside out

when i say i am tired
i am tired of you asking me to just "snap out of it", i am dying on the inside and i do not know how else i can phrase it for you to understand

when i say i am tired
i am tired of the nightmares that make me feel like i have not slept at all, i am tired for screaming for help inside my head

when i say i am tired
i am tired of trying to fight a battle that i will never win, maybe this is how it all ends

when i say i am tired,
do not keep asking. just hold me and tell me i will be alright
when i do not believe you,
let me go.

the love that gets you excited just thinking about the very fact that you might actually get to spend the rest of your life with him

the love that makes you stomach feel funny and your heart flutter every time he says something about your smile, or the way he talks about your laugh

the love that makes your knees weak just at the thought of his name, the kind that makes your bones tremble when you see him for the very first time

the love that makes you want to fly when he holds you in his arms, and the kind that makes you forget what home was before you met him

the love that drives you up the wall, but the very kind of love he fills your heart with, when you're up that ****** wall

the love that makes you look forward to waking up each morning, the love that makes you want to achieve goals your heart didn't even know you had

the love that fills your eyes with tears with each I love you, the same love that turns your tears into cheeky smiles with each I love you

the love that frees you

the love that makes you feel like you're walking on the ******* moon as you stroll down the street,

but mostly, *the love that keeps you alive

my name is depression
and i will drag your soul across your bedroom floor and hear you scream for help

my name is depression
and i will dig every blood vessel out of your heart until you are bare and empty, cold and silent

my name is depression
and i will run down your face as you try and explain the demon inside of you to people who do not understand

my name is depression
and i will eat your laughter, run my hands down your happiness and choke you with my scrawny fingers as you beg for air

my name is depression
and i will walk you home tonight, crawl into your bed and sit next to you as you contemplate your fall down this 23 storey building

my name is depression



*and i won't stop

your hair was gold, shades of sand and spring
you loved the way the sun bounced right off it & made it shine
but the only sun i have ever known is the kind of sun that needed to burn so bright my organs set themselves on fire and it burns, it burns but my mind does not know how to stop, it is a pleasure to feel something

your eyes were blue, the shade of blue of a bright blue sky and an ocean
you never realized how dark they turned when you were deep in thought
but the more i looked, the more they turned into a storm, and my body screamed drown me, please drown me i promise i will forget how to swim

your name was Bran, spelt with a capital B, capitalized, bold, underlined for Break my heart
please break my heart, i need to know it is still in me,
please shatter me over and over again i need to know what it is like to not feel numb, please break me, please just break me,

my sadness knows no love
my sadness knows no fear
my sadness knows no pain
my sadness knows no end
my sadness knows no happy endings
my sadness knows no sleep

my sadness knows lies
my sadness knows death
my sadness knows scars
my sadness knows eulogies
my sadness knows 2am voices
my sadness knows 4am shadows

my sadness - knows how to hit every Self-Destruct button and watch me disintegrate into a million and one pieces, and then hits the buttons again

when your body burnt to ashes-

I stopped believing that God was real
If He was real, why weren't my prayers answered
Why wasn't all my tears on New Years Eve accounted for
Why wasn't I even gifted enough to say goodbye one last time

I stopped believing love is real
It wasn't strong enough to keep you from leaving
It wasn't true enough to make you last one more night
Everything I had grown to love was built on a lie

when my friend fell into pieces-

I stopped believing that strength is real
If you could fight all the years of pain, why was this one any harder?
If he was tough as steel, why did the tears run down his face?
Everything I had grown to believe was built on a lie

I stopped believing in promises
You said you loved each other and then you both hated each other
You said I would get better and yet I find myself thinking of a million different ways I could take away all of this
Everything I had tried to put my faith in, was a lie


This life is nothing, and I am nothing.
I have nothing to lose and I give up.

*Death, you win.

it is the attention i will beg for because silence scares me
the voices in my head are demons and they just won't leave me alone please don't leave me alone they won't leave me alone

it is the lack of trust i will have in you because every single thing i have grown to love, leaves
my mind is far too noisy and they scream in languages i do not understand
but it is not completely foreign, i know they are telling me to walk away

it is the time i will always demand for
because the dark scares me, it always has
learning to live in the dusty corners of your head does not teach you how to no longer be afraid,
it only teaches you to scream and jump every time there is a silent movement, a little tweak

it is the love i will keep questioning
i am so sorry my sadness loves me more than you will ever be able to
she gets jealous every time my attention is drawn to another being that she creeps me
she will wake me even in my deepest sleep to remind me that she, never leaves

it is the reassurance that i will constantly need
i know you were there the last 8 times i laid stone cold on the bathroom floor, not being able to move
but where were you the other one time i couldn't get out of bed


to love me is to love my depression
to love me is to love my scars
to love me is to watch me destroy myself over and over again but to stay
to love me is to hold me when i scream at you to leave me, it is not me it is my head it is not me it is my head it is not me
it is
my head

First things first, I don't know if we still talk. I probably grew too busy and you probably did too. I don't know if I've seen your face in the last couple of months, and I don't know if I will in the next couple of years. I don't know if your curly hair still slaps the hair of the person standing behind you when you turn to speak to someone, and I don't know if your eyes still light up when you talk to now, someone else about the guy who ended up breaking your heart. I don't know if you can decide whether turquoise or aqua blue makes your skin tone stand out best, but I don't know if I can help you decide anymore.

I guess what all I want to say is thank you, although it will never be enough. Although it doesn't mean our paths will ever cross, again. I don't think I would be the person I am today without the countless arguments we've had, the numerous heart to heart sessions, the spontaneous food trips and the laughter. Oh, the great, great laughter.

I wouldn't have learnt to run if you didn't stand next to me and held my hand when I learnt to crawl away from every single person who broke my heart. I wouldn't have learnt to smile if you didn't stand opposite me making funny faces when I thought I was done. I wouldn't have learnt how to never give up if you didn't stay up with me convincing me I was worth much more than I had made myself believe. I wouldn't have learnt how to deal with death if you didn't pick me up when I fell face flat and screamed for you to not touch me.

I wouldn't have grown if you didn't tell me I needed to stop seeing the world from only two eyes, that there was a bigger picture with greater sufferings. I don't know if the way you cared for me has caused you pain or happiness, but in both cases do know that every second you spent on me is something I believe has moulded be into being the person I am today. So thank you, for your time. For your patience, for your kindness, for your love, for your sacrifices, for your presence at some point in my life.


I wish for you, the best in everything that you are, and everything that you strive to be. I pray you are blessed with nothing but the best and I hope you know, I care.


**Thank you.

I am not feeling well does not just mean the temperature you see on that thermometer,
it also means my body and it's burning desire to no longer be alive
I am not feeling well does not just mean my head feels heavy and I want to sleep,
it also means my heart is sinking to my feet and i physically feel it in my veins
I am not feeling well does not just mean I need a painkiller to take away the pain,
it also means i am dying to reach for the blade and tear my skin apart to feel something
I am not feeling well does not just mean the food I ate is making me feel like throwing up,
it also means my entire existence makes me sick to the point of death
I am not feeling well does not just mean I will feel better after I take this nap,
it also means i will take nap after nap after nap after nap hoping to feel alive again
I am not feeling well does not just mean my joints hurt and I need to slow down
it also means my body is tired of fighting a losing battle and i give up

because some days,
i wear my depression and
some days,
*my depression wears me

Each time I try, I fall
Each time I heal, I hurt
Each time I understand, I forget
Each time I love, I hope

The ones who are hardest to love-need it the most,
The ones you think are unbreakable- can't sleep at night,
The ones you look up to- regret every single thing they've said or done
The ones you think are happy- went through hell to get there
The ones you think are confident- can't bear to look at their scars on a mirror
The ones you think are strong- it took them their whole life to lay a foundation

The ones who are hardest to love- love them anyway, it will be worth it
The ones you think are unbreakable- hold them when they break, don't sympathize, just hold them
The ones you look up to- listen to their stories, listen to what they've learnt and pick them up
The ones you think are happy- don't judge their reasons to be happy, it is only temporary
The ones you think are confident- look harder, analyze only the long sleeved shirts and sweaters they wear
The ones you think are strong- put in bricks and let them grow taller, don't question, just grow with them

Don't destruct, just love


If you have nothing to lose anyway, how hard can it be to just

Love?

In 60 seconds-
I could miss a train that I was supposed to board to visit my grandfather, when the doctors said there was no hope left
I could slip a step on the staircase and fracture my arm, the very arm that refused to help a stranger due to fear
I could listen to my best friend pour her heart out and plot a plan to ****** the very guy who broke her heart
I could miss a step of a dance routine and mess everything that we've ever worked for, for the past 3 months
I could set foot into the grocery store and be looked at differently just because I was born with darker skin
I could be left brain dead due to the reckless young teenager who thought it was hilarious to drive without his license
I could stand on the top of a building hoping I find the courage to fall off it, only to be stopped by the very stranger whom I ignored two days ago
I could understand that the world is in fact a never ending cycle-we are related to people in ways that didn't have to be physical, or by blood
We are bound together by the one thing that is common between you, I, he, she & we

We are bound together by the presence of - the heart.

Do you know what it's like to look at everyday things

Only to think of ways that those things could help you **** yourself?

I thought about it, a lot
But I never did it.

; placing the weight of the entire world on my shoulders
; trying to fulfil everyone's expectations towards me
; breaking down when the pressure tears me into pieces
; not focusing when I'm supposed to be most focused
; trying to explain myself to people who look at me like I'm a joke
; ruining my dreams with negative thoughts of myself
; expecting so much from myself to the very extent of me wrecking myself if I don't achieve what I want
; placing myself in the midst of chaos and not knowing how to scream " I need help "
; letting myself drown over and over again, after trying so hard to lift my head above the water
; never being good enough for myself
; trying to make anyone understand the noises in my head

i have fallen so hard
i have hit rock bottom
i have been on a spiral that takes me only downwards
i have been invisible, for as long as i can remember
i have isolated my soul
i have tried to let myself give up
i have stayed six-feet underground, mentally
i have been choked with despair
i have been swallowed by nerves
i have been consumed by fear, my mind and body withering
i have been torn into pieces, paper thin
i have been ripped off my opinion, my bones crying to be heard
i have been broken down into tiny fragments, each embedded on paper
i have left my thoughts everywhere;
in people, in books, in songs, in journals, in the rain,

but here i am-
i am on my way upwards
i am collecting the bits and pieces, i will not try to connect them
i am carving my path towards my dreams
i am being heard, i am a voice worth listening to
i am a part of someone
i am a part of something
i am growing
i am accepting
i am learning

my mind will be reborn, my body and soul surrendered to faith
my thoughts untangled, my feelings splattered like paint
my spirit is no longer blank-
*i am no longer a hole, i am whole.

effort;
ˈefərt/
noun

to her, is studying during the wee hours of the morning
to him, is the time you spend asking how his day went
to her, is the lovely pair of shoes you got for her that flatters her dress
to them, is the days you showed up despite being ill
to him, is the admission slip into an ivy league university
to her, is the work you left behind to attend your uncle's funeral
to them, is the messages you send out, asking how they're doing

to you,
is to get out of bed each morning, even when you don't want to
is to accept that it is, by God's will that you are where you are
is to understand that your body is a gift and you will cherish it
is to learn that you don't live to please everyone
is to stand up for yourself, even when you are too timid to speak
is to fight for what you want, and never backing down
is to pick yourself up every time you fall, and come back stronger
is to fix yourself, piece by piece
is to unravel your mind &  live with the memories, even if they **** you

effort to you, isn't effort to her
effort to him, isn't effort to you
effort to them, isn't effort to him

but that is okay, we know you're trying

*we know

Why would you tell someone that they're good at something even if you thought otherwise
Why would you tell someone that they're beautiful if you don't think they are
Why would you say that she isn't fat when your conscience is screaming for you to be honest
Why would you say that it was okay for him to be crying himself to sleep every night
Why would you say that it is going to be okay if you weren't sure

Just why would you get someone's hope up
To tear it all down,
Over and over again.


You didn't have to lie, all you needed to do was to shut up.

at 3 i am a girl
all I want is to grow up to be a princess
Hopefully with a Prince Charming and a castle

At 5 I got asked what my ambition was
Even then I wanted to be a princess
But not with a castle, I already knew it wasn't going to come true

At 7, I got asked what my ambition was
Then, I changed my mind
I wasn't going to be a princess, it was all in my head.

At 10, I decided I was going to become a doctor
I had watched my close kin bleed out to death in an operation theatre
And I wanted to be a doctor who saved every life that came knocking on my door

At 13, I was too caught in the middle of my friends problems
I spent my days healing broken hearts and listening to stories that I forgot that I had my own stories
Just no one to speak them out to

At 16, I wanted to be a psychiatrist
I was willing to take on the problems of the whole universe
And then I realized the weight was too much for me to bear

At 18, I want to be a person. I want to feel things
I don't want to store them in a box and throw the key away
I don't want to hold my tears back
I don't want to live for anyone around me
I want to live for myself
And there's nothing else I'd rather be because
No one does me better than me

they say empty vessels make the most noise
here i am, tearing my skin wide open
leaving myself right here in the hell we call earth
opening my heart just to be shot back down, again
here i lay, my body and mind empty
my heart blank, my limbs suffocating
my brain worn out and my fingers twitching
here i am, vulnerable and
empty

but here i am, not being able to make a sound
i open my mouth to speak but the words just won't come out
i am trying, i am trying
but my soul has shut down
i am silent
i am an empty vessel, a blank canvas
but i am not making the most noise, im not making any noise
just
because i don't  remember how to

it is dark tonight
occasionally the lights from the skyscrapers blink
i don't like it when they blink
it sends shock waves through my skin

it is dark tonight
occasionally the lights from the candles blink
i don't like it when they blink
it reminds me that i can no longer feel your skin

it is bright today
occasionally i look out the window to see birds chirp
i like it when they chirp
it reminds me that not everything is over

it is bright today occasionally i check my watch, ' drive faster ', i speak
i like it when the traffic lights turn green
it reminds me that we're one step closer to seeing you

it is dark today
occasionally the light from the dining flickers
i don't like it when it flickers
someone just fix it

it is dark today
occasionally the cars give way, like they knew how much i wanted to see you
someone, please let this be a dream

it is sunny today
i sit by the park and watch the kids playing
i like seeing them smile
it feels so genuine, like nothing was worrying them

it is sunny today
the phone rings and i know this is bad
i don't like the ringtone
please make it stop

it was cloudy that new years eve
i wanted to scream out loud
come back
come back

it still feels unreal
i still feel you around me
why do all the good people have to go

i see it every time i look at grandma's eyes
i see a little bit of you in her
i see the days you laughed hysterically
i see the days we had to repeat what we said, you were losing your hearing

i see the day we ran as fast as we could into the hospital
i see the day i had to leave when you asked me to stay one more night
i see the day i had you, but didn't realize it was going to be over soon


wherever you are
i hope you know that i love you,
and i love you so much to know that you're in a better place now,
just not enough to forgive you for leaving without saying goodbye

i miss you

You are more than the need for you to binge your food right after ingesting it
You are more than the opinion of that girl from high school who had everything done her way
You are more than the layers of cellulite you see on your thighs every time you look into the mirror
You are more than the chocolate cakes you avoided under than name of calories
You are more than the test you flunked after spending every Friday night revising
You are more than the tears that flow down your cheek after knowing you've let your parents down
You are more than the apologies that you're so used to hearing, that they have become as meaningless as the 'I love you's '
You are more than the job interview you didn't get through because you had far too many piercings
You are more than the stares you get for standing up for things everyone else is against
You are more than the pain of trying to be someone you are completely not for the sake of fitting it
You are more than the lips who speak ill of another to make yourself feel better about yourself
You are more than the thoughts that think of destructing everyone around you to be called a king in the kingdom inside your head
You are more than the lies that flew across the courtroom when you admitted to mistakes that weren't yours
You are more than every bad experience, every disappointment, every heartbreak, every single damage that has made you uncomfortable to be in your own skin


You, are everything you want to be
& everything you don't want to be.

If you find yourself struggling to study for a test at 4 am, remember I'd want you to be asleep because your health matters to me more than anything, even when I lecture you for a day or ground you for a week whenever you fail your tests

If you find yourself consoling your best friend who just lost her boyfriend, remember that I'd be your best friend if you were in her position

If you find yourself hurting so badly that you can't seem to put it into words, I want you to know that it's okay

If you find yourself questioning the existence of happiness, I will be here to remind you everyday of what it means, and teach you how to feel it

If you find yourself experiencing your first heartbreak and the pain is so excruciating you don't feel like saving yourself, trust me you want to save yourself

If you find yourself sitting on the edge of your bed unable to fall asleep, drowning in your tears; don't feel strange, I've been through it all too

If you find someone who takes no for an answer, you don't need the person in your life; no isn't an answer, you're better than that

If you find yourself staring in front of a mirror trying to stop hating the way you look, remember that I love you for who you are, not the way you look

If you find that not convincing enough, remember that those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter; I mean it

If you find yourself trying to stop eating to fit into a size 0 dress, I was ten times your size at your age & I didn't give a **** what people though of me

If you're too tired to make decisions, don't make them; you'll find yourself drowning in regret two days later

If you think it's okay to give up, let me remind you that it isn't

If you ever feel alone, know that I'll always be here for you,

the way I did when you were born
the way I did when you said your first word
the way I did when you knew too many words, enough to push me away
the way I did when you took your first steps,
the way I did when you knew how to run that you attempted to run away from home when you were diagnosed with depression

*the way I'll always be, even when you think you don't need me.

Violet was the color of her eyes when she spoke so fondly about the characters from her favorite novel
Red was the color of the blood dripping down her skin, the day the thorns pierced into them; while playing hide and seek in her favorite park
Blue was the color of her tranquility, her ability to not get angry at almost anything
Yellow was the color of her anger when she did lose her temper
White was the color of her personality, so pure it made the color itself look impure
And turquoise was the color of her heart, simply because it was her favorite color
Indigo was the side of her that gave, and gave; the side of her that never put herself before anyone or anything
Grey was the side of her that enjoyed sleeping in & having conversations in her head


If these colors were personalities, she would have been diagnosed with split personality disorder

But she isn't sick, she's just colorful

*She isn't sick, she's just colorful.

F for the fistfights I was asked to sit out of, because I was born with a different set of genitals
E for the equal rights I've been begging for, only to be let down time and over again
M for all the military applications that weren't even reviewed, because I seemed unfit for not having a pair of nuts
I for the inferno that you made me feel, fighting so hard to be a pilot that was obviously only ' a man's job '
N for the number of convictions the guy who ***** his girlfriend didn't have to face, because the way she dressed up showed that she "wanted"it
I for all the immoral stares that I couldn't counter back for the fear of your lawyers defending you saying it was a friendly one, for the fear of you blaming the shorts and crop top that I picked out for that lovely Sunday
S for all the standards that women themselves set for themselves, ***** standards; I'll do what I want and say what I want, I'll eat what and I want and dress the way that I feel like I need to, I'll wear bikinis that probably doesn't flatter my body and height but you know what? I don't give two flying f**ks
M for the mortals   that made it necessary for feminism to even exist

Don't tell me to get of my phone and play hopscotch in the wilting paddy fields across the house
the same paddy field that decorated the chest of every newspaper last Thursday, written across the title  in bold; 6 year old girl strangled to death

don't tell me to get off my couch and try make some friends
the same friends that got my neighbour's daughter gangraped at her sixteenth birthday party

don't tell me to only fall in love with a person of the opposite gender,
not after hearing the screams of the lady across these cracked walls, whom as usual would make excuses to cover up the reasons behind the galaxy toned punch scars across her no longer smooth skin, a result of being beaten up by her drunk husband each night

don't tell me writing isn't going to get me anywhere, that only science will, not after you've seen me bleed across these pages trying to make you understand my passion and love for writing & trust me when I say these numbers & stupid scientific terms will never be able to diffuse into my numb skull the way these lovely letters  have

don't tell me that the numbers written on one piece of paper that is graded by a person who probably had a million and one reasons to make me fail, defines  my intelligence, not after looking at that girl from high school who failed  her maths & ended up becoming a world renowned poet

don't tell me that it's right to hate a person because they were born a shade darker than I am, not after the person who saved my life that summer night I was sprawled across the bathroom floor, overdosed on drugs, was 'fifteen shades darker' than me

don't tell me that I don't have a right to stand up to you because I'm younger than you, not after a 50 year old man ***** his 12 year old student; in no way does your age define your maturity

and dear generation X & Y,

don't tell me what is wrong and right, for I am old enough to face the consequences of my actions, for there is no way I will learn without making mistakes,

and dear generation  X & Y,


we'll show you how life should be lived.

Thank you, sit down.

it  makes me so sad that we're  falling apart it makes me so sad that these changes are making me lose my mind it's making me so sad that I miss you every single day of my life and there's nothing, just nothing I can do to convince myself that I'll be next to you sometime soon it makes me so sad that these changes are making me lose everything that I thought I had figured out it makes me so sad that I don't have a backbone to stand up and face all this myself it makes me so sad that I'm so dependent it makes me so sad to be away from people I love the most it makes me so sad that there's no place else I can break down without feeling weak and inferior it makes me so sad that I feel like I'm losing myself it makes me so sad that
there's no life within these four walls it makes me so sad that I've forgotten what pain felt like because you took it all away and it makes me so sad that I've lost my ability to be numb and it makes me so sad


because despite being sad I will continue putting on this facade
I will lie to myself until I believe I am truly happy
and I will do whatever it takes to get where I want to be

sitting here in the dark
i silently stare at my laptop screen
no, it isn't brighter than the way my future will turn out


this is me,
after months and months of deceiving myself
only trusting the stupid, stupid definitions of happiness that I had locked within my head

i have gotten over myself


i can be happy just because i choose to be
i can not care about everything any of you have to say about me just because i choose not to
i can only move in by chanting the words & the names of people who make me forget what it's like to feel alone


this is it,
it's my turn to be happy and
no one,
is ever going to be able to take this away from me


.

It is unfair how the girl who died of cancer is given more recognition than one who died of heartbreak it is unfair how the boy who died because he was bullied is given more recognition than the boy who died because everyone around him was too blind to realize how alone he was feeling it is unfair that the girl who choked on bleach was given a memorial all across the globe and the girl who choked on years that September night still remains a Jane Doe to most of us it is unfair that the woman who died protecting her son from her abusive husband is cared for more than the woman who died trying to make sure her baby gets out of her womb safe and sound it is unfair that the father who died being stabbed by his son who wasn't mentally stable is given more recognition than the father who died trying to make sure there was food on the table for his family it is unfair how the people who die with a sad story are made famous compared to the ones who died trying it is unfair how we select who's death goes viral and who's doesn't it is unfair to judge a dead person based on their status, materials, wealth and everything else that is temporary


But most of all?
It is unfair to serve justice to someone only after they are gone, forever

This is a note to everyone,
It's words I could never bring myself to say,
And my invisible shield being ripped away willingly.
It's emotions I was too afraid to show,
And now I bring them forth for each and every single one of you who feasted your fiery eyes upon every word that came out of the deepest valleys of my worn out soul.

To the ones I've loved & lost,
Every one of you thought me different things
Some of you were blessings,
Some of you were curses,
I'm sorry I couldn't keep you in my life,
But I hope you found people that could.

To the ones I've ignored & deleted,
I wish I never met any of you,
For the pain and despair you made me feel,
For the regretful decisions you made me make,
But I wish the best for all of you,
I hope you achieve your dreams and see the light, in the places where darkness was all I felt.

To the ones I love & adore,
I don't know what I'd be without any of you,
Thank you for being my rock,
For always guiding me and filling me with laughter,
For making sure I never go back to being who I was,
I hope to never misplace any of you while searching for some of my missing pieces to fill this puzzle I started making, 17 years ago.

To the ones I've forgotten & ignored,
I hope you know how tremendously sorry I am,
I didn't make the decision,
I ran out of options.
Think about where were you when all I needed was to feel wanted,
Think about the day you told me I was part of you,
Only to find out that you lied; the very next day,
I hope you find better people that will fall for your venomous words that still pierce through every vein in my aching body, as I struggle to find freedom; in what used to feel like home.

To everyone I have met,
To the words that shifted my perspectives,
To the waves that churned my thoughts,
To the strangers I failed to have gotten to know,
To the strangers that I used to know,
To the strangers that now are; everything I am made of






I only have two words;

*Thank you.

You wanna know what it's like to love?
When you feel so lost in time and every second that's passing feels so unreal?
You wanna know what it's like to feel like choking on tears at 3 in the morning?
When time refuses to pass and every second feels like a ticking atomic bomb?
You wanna know what it feels like to be ripped off your sanity?
You wanna know what it feels like to have *** for the first time?
You wanna know what it feels like to try so hard and fail?
You wanna know what it feels like to fall out of love and experience the kind of sadness you never thought you'd feel?
You wanna know what it feels like to be kissed in every spot that drives you insane?
You wanna know what it feels like to have someone talk about you behind your back?
You wanna know what it feels like to smile like nothing has happened?
You wanna know what it feels like to get wasted on your birthday?
You wanna know what it feels like to have cigarette smoke filling your airways?


Then you **** right feel it.
Then you **** right experience it.
Then you **** right give yourself a chance.

By the time you're 20,
No one gives a **** if you're a ******,
No one gives a **** if you were the top student in '09
No one gives a **** if you were so drunk you couldn't remember your own name
No one gives a **** if you were so choked by cigarette smoke you thought you were suffocating to death
No one gives a **** if you almost rammed into a tree on your 16th birthday
And sure as hell,
No one gives a **** because let me tell you this.


It is your **** life,
*So you **** right do whatever the hell you want to do.

It feels like a tumour in my brain
It feels like I can't think anymore
I don't know where they're gone
I don't know how to fit these words in no longer
I don't know how to make sense out of these lingering thoughts
I don't know how to write anymore


It's choking me
Because it feels like the one of the only 2 things I was passionate about
Has been snatched away from me
I want to write
But my thoughts don't connect anymore
I want to write
But my happiness won't give me  space
I want to write
But I just don't know how to anymore
Is this it?
Will I never be able to write again?
Is this what it's supposed to feel like, the end?

The day will come
where someone will relive the dead flowers in your soul
where someone will ignite the dying flame in your heart
where someone will teach you what it feels like to love
where someone will explore the deepest, darkest emotions you feel
where someone will look forward to studying you
where someone will bring to live the parts of you that feel so dead
where someone will love and cherish everything you hate about you


&  

on that day,
*nothing else will matter.