Where are you today?
My mind needs to know
In what space you're existing
Who you may be meeting

Are you thinking of her?
Time to run through
Every single possible
Unpleasant scenario

It doesn't even matter
While you never think of me
My mind can't comprehend
Regardless of reality

Here comes the anger
Unnecessary, destructive
Solving absolutely nothing
And it comes just the same

I try to escape in sleep
But, wait, here you are
And here comes the pain
And you smile just the same.

I never asked for this
I never asked for you to
Waltz into my mind and
Never ever leave.

My phone went off earlier today.
For the silliest second,
I thought it was you
And then I laughed at myself;
It's too early for you to
Think of me.

There's no way
You're drunk enough for that.

I fly through life on autopilot
Do you think they'd ever realize?
I arrive and depart on time
The ground greets me no differently
With no knowledge of my vacancy

Calculation is a constant and lifeline
To connect me with my kind
Kind only in anatomy, general size,
The way we obey parallel lines.

Ground control, do you read me?

I try to think poetically
Combine words in ways
That jump off the page
And into the heart of the reader

But I can't.

Instead I'm left alone with my thoughts
All jumbled and pressing against
The bones of my skull
Imprisoned only by my naive tongue.

To put it bluntly,
I’m tired.

I’m tired of you
I’m tired of thinking of you
I’m tired of you being in my head
I’m tired of thinking I ever have a chance.

I’m tired of hope
I’m tired of wondering
I’m tired of pretending that things
Aren’t what they are.

I’m tired of the loneliness
I’m tired of how much I care
I’m tired of thinking about our conversations
The ones that meant something
The ones that mattered
The ones I was excited to have with you
Every day.

I’m tired of waiting
I’m tired of feeling
I’m tired of looking and never finding
I’m tired of not knowing.

And I’m tired of you caring less.
Knowing what you're capable of, yet
Giving less than the least.
I’m just
So
Tired.

Why can't one of the bugs
That bit my feet
Carry malaria
And end my existence
For me?

Why can't I trade me life
My electric pulse
My energy
With someone else who
Wants it?

Why can't everyone
Ignore me, rather than
Just most people?
Why can't they make it
Easier?

All of those people in accidents.
All of those people who
Didn't have a choice.
I want to trade places.
I wish to.

Happiness is fleeting, Love as its carrier
They move together, far and away

Chests of toys come to life
When lonely homes do not breathe voice
The bears and soldiers, rag dolls and all
Fill the void ‘til the clock strikes two.

They come about, a dance to be held
The rag dolls and stuffed animals gussy,
The bears and soldiers puff out their chests
All but one will join the rest.

Her chestnut tresses lay gentle on her crown,
Perfect lips slightly pouted, painted like her cheeks,
Ivory skin glistens in rays poured from windowpanes,
Gray porcelain eyes peer down from atop her shelf.

The soldiers and bears gaze up at her,
Beauty obvious to the simple eye,
Though all simple eyes’ minds think they know.
They know the nature of porcelain cold.

She understands, as she would think the same.
She sits away, alone upon her shelf,
Alone also in kind, she is shy.
She wants to tell them otherwise,

To see beyond her porcelain eyes.

She walked between them
A quiet murmur in the middle
Of two rolling thunderstorms
Spitting lightning back and forth
Both bright and accurate
Fluid execution, points spot on.

These titans were not unrelieved
In this tournament of wisdom
For their little murmur would peep
And they would silence their thundering
Hold still their lightening
And listen.

She reveled in the time they shared
Though when asked of the future
She was hesitant.
These giants could travel the world
These giants should carry on
Without her dull murmuring.

This hesitation would certainly
Not be lost on them
And just as the murmur began again,
The giants hoisted her
To the height at which they roamed
And for a moment she believed
She could be one of them.

She felt at home here amongst
These giants and their wit,
Still remaining a murmur.
Somehow it was bearable
If only she could
Continue to exist in such
Magnificent shadows.

Wedding vows on grassy hills
In summertime, I watched you still
Your breath, it held up in your chest
Your eyes on her, just like the rest

I Do.

Hotel sheets spilled on the floor
Eyes lock eyes, both craving more
Trembling hands in moonlight shown
Her lips, they move and parting, moan

I Do.

Years go by and in them pasts
Dug up sweet ***** secrets last
The test of time and she’s not home
New hands on sheets they do not own

I Do.

I watch your world, now ripped to shreds
Lie softly like your words when wed
To have, to hold, now someone new
Replaced a love in lieu of you.

I Do.

I have murdered another human being.
I have murdered someone like me,
Kicking and thrashing
Until his face wasn't right.
It was sideways, wonky, part of his
Nose touching his mouth, bleeding
With his cheekbone crushed inward
All from the swift power of
These worn leather boots.
He had held us hostage for days
Killed a friend of a friend
With a purposeful chiropractic crack
Of the neck gone too far.

We had been freed.
He had stood there smiling
As he dealt the final blow
To our esteem, having kept us
All as his sick twisted harem.
All it took was a smile and
I lost my mind.
Bashing the back of his head
That balding crew cut bloodied
On a rusting sprinkler in the yard.
My tired leather boots did the
Rest of my ***** work.
He resembled a stroke patient
When my boots held their fire.
Too much blood for a lack of life.

I awoke in my bed, safe and
Unscathed by my mind's loss
Of complete control.
Genuine surprise took me, seeing
Those leather boots of mine sit
Peacefully in the corner
Never seeing battle, never
My accomplice in ******.

Its been a game for as long as I remember.
Everything said was one move made
A move always calculated, but
Don't let them see the feelings there.

It'll ruin the fun.
And you'll be alone.

And then you came along.

Simple thoughts alive in color
Vibrant and warm, I swore the sun
Couldn't shine brighter than that
Beaming smile; it just wouldn't quit.

I could hardly believe it was mine.
I could hardly believe I was yours.

Why spend time wondering if
You're good enough for a heaven created
By the minds of men afraid of what they
Could not understand?

You'll hear a million excuses pass these lips,
Just know that they're all lies.

The truth is I'm just terrified.

He was her knight in shining armor.
She was his Lady Hope,
His one true love.
They ended up happily ever after
In this fairytale he wrote.

I found their fairytale,
Their love written down
Beer-stained,
Wrinkled
On the ground.

I’ve grown close to cold coffee
While heat is ever fleeting
In time we’ll meet at the periphery
With lingering calidity
I’ll sip through tepid acidity

And what was once unpalatable
Is now bitterly comforting

One of these days my
Heart will stop beating so ****
Fast when I see your name and
All this time I was
So sure I was
Done with this

My words wasted on your ears,
Love ****** dry by lips
Undeserving of me and mine and
The nothings you whispered
Fell flat on your tongue.

I couldn't even call them sweet.

You dig your own miserable grave
with your poor decisions, though
most choose ignorance and look
upwards.
They look towards the sky and change
nothing.
Look how deep it is.
Look at it.

I drew cracks along this heart
Its surface once flawless
Ready for gentle hands
To hold it dearly

I dropped this heart
Its cracks filled with dirt
The grains splitting them further
The lines swell and redden

I ignored this heart
The cracks spill yellow
Infection pumps throughout
Blackness creeps further in

This heart belongs to me
Your promise turned to lies
Spreading through my mind
My actions are your own

I would say this is your fault
I would yell and place the blame
But I cannot do this now
Because this is all on me

Because I entrusted it to you

Let’s have those shallow conversations,
The ones you feel comfortable with,
The ones you can have without
Even paying attention.

Let’s spend the day,
The entire day together
And learn nothing new about
Each other.

Let’s hide ourselves away,
Away from the ones we say
Are “close”
And away from ourselves.

And let’s stay the same
Or at least tell ourselves
That we’re not any different,
That we’ll never grow apart.

Yes,
Let’s play pretend.

It's hard to love what you love
When it receives no appreciation
From others.
It can damper the feelings you get
when your finger tips touch the
Ivory, the Strings,
the Brass.
If it matters to no one,
It is hard to see how it should matter
At all.
So you perform in solitude,
You shine for no one.
Not because you are shy
Not because there are none to hear
But because
No one would care.
They do not want to see you shine
They want you to
Remain in the dark with
The rest of them.

I wanted to know you
I wanted to know your favorite place
I wanted to know your favorite song
I wanted to know anything
I just wanted to know you

Too shy to say a word
I’d just smile from a distance
Hoping you would smile back
And you always did
You were nice like that

I wanted to walk with you,
Talk with you, be near you
See the world through your eyes
I know it was something special
I knew you were something
Special

But now here you are
Laying silently in the ground
And I’m right here, we both are
And I still
Can’t
Say
A word