Who would've thought
That the rising of your chest
As you take each breath
Would keep me awake?

The sound of your pulse
Holding you here with me
Makes me thankful
To go without sleep.

Every day
For the last three years
I wake up
And I hate myself

Maybe it’s been five years
Maybe eight
Surely I’ve lost count

Rare are the mornings
My aching muscles breathe a sigh
The sun drips through the window
Drenching me in warmth and life

Such euphoria is fleeting
It comes and goes
In two-week intervals
And I’m forced to watch it fly
To others’ faces
Where it rests much longer

There must be a balance
Dangling in the ether
Desperately waiting
To be discovered

But when dawn breaks
And my hand searches the sheets
It is hate that I find
Once more

I know what love is
I don't want it.

I know what it's like
To be caressed by the lips
That exhale sweet lies.

I know what it's like
To hold the hand of the man
That always lets go.

I know what it's like
To drift asleep in his arms
Only to wake up alone.

I know what love is
I know what it should be
I know how it treats me
I don't want it.

I've probably taken 30 showers
But your scent won't wash away
And the mistakes I've made
Still rest on my shoulders
Pulling my head
Under the water

I'm afraid
If I’m awake much longer
I wont wake up
Tomorrow

I am the liquor
I am what draws the heat
From your core to your limbs
Allowing you to believe
That the chill in your bones
Has finally fled,
Leaving behind an empty stomach
A hollow reminder
That what's killing you
Will never itself
Be dead.

Tell me, love, is it worth the fight,
To return only to you each night?

Tell me, love, is it worth the pain,
To examine your face and discover disdain?

And tell me, love, when I say goodbye,
Will you even care to ask me why?

We find fault in each other
Like we're looking for something,
Anything,
To pull us from these rapids
But the water moves so quickly
And the current keeps changing direction
And I don't know which way to kick my aching legs.
You have "don't tread on me" tattooed on your tongue
And the ink seeps through my veins
As I disobey the unwritten laws
That your callous soul has enforced.
And I ignore the sharp curves
And the deafening crashes of the waves
Because maybe my foot will get caught on a rock
Or maybe I'll finally reach the shore.
But I know that if I did
I'd dive straight back in.

At which hill
Will the wind crest

Retreat to still,
Recaptured breath

How deep the sea
Churns calling cold

Raptured bells of
Sunken churches toll

If ever there were
Predestined plateau

Where promised peace
Could erase the chain—

But the wind again billows
And once more, the rain

The days,
All the days,
Even those
Inlaid with light,
Shutter closed,
As days do,
With harsh fray
Of night

This, the abyss
No one warned me about
Where imminent fevers
Cannot be sweat out
And sanity’s good side
Turns one cheek too late
In centripetal orbit
Eluding escape

I’ve sobbed for hours,
Then for days,
Ache blurring lifeless gaze
Stolen breaths come incomplete
And, too quickly, are replaced.
I’ve sobbed from twilight until noon
Filling this entire room
Watching skin succumb to prune
Hair, molasses, ‘round my neck
Pirouettes to desperate croon.
I’ve sobbed through sunrise and sunset
Muddled orange and violet
Lighting crests of waves deflect
Fading as they intersect.
I sob for eras and for lives
Until none of them survive,
So what light exists beyond the depth
Can magnetize and resurrect,
And eyes can greet horizon new
Reflecting glowing golden hue
Desaturating retrospect
As currents sway to sovereign tune.

You should’ve spoken up
When you talked down to me
Instead you split my soul
Spitting endless inbetweens
And now the spool spins heavy,
Wiry untouched runaway dreams
Where the railcar always passes
Just a moment out of reach

It’s Tuesday, I think
Glass windows share few stories
In grey. The sun hasn’t found
An opening
Between my blinds
In days
***** dishes hardly inhabit
The sink. I wash them every chance
I get. It feels good to know
What to do
With my hands

It’s new day, I think
Curtains drape
In heavy embrace. I wonder
What warmth lurks behind them
That can’t be found
In my drink. Fluids slosh
And swell
In ambers beneath my skin
I wring my wrists of goodbyes
So bereft. It feels good to know
What to do
With my hands

And I,
The singer
And bringer
Of death,
Do cast unto you
For all that I’ve wept
Though hard
As I try,
And fight
As I might,
My tender heart
Wasn’t meant
For this life
And it, too,
Cannot
Be kept

I’ve left my body somewhere to roam
While I float above
The weight of the world
And all who inhabit
To splay amidst sunshine
And swim
In the current of the wind

I’m meant to be
Among cities and trees
But somehow always fall short
And land
Somewhere in between
Where it is grey and flat
And desolate

I dream of spaceships
And submarines
Of vines to jump and swing
Anything
To feel momentum
Where I no longer feel
A thing

The world can be a darkless place
Fires fervent in heart’s ember—
So I douse its ash into a bath,
And submerge in shades familiar

When the clouds come
I cast them away
I tear them apart,
Dismantling grey

I am left with the blue
Entranced by its hue, but
Its vastness consumes
And I, lost without aim

So empty pages I thumb
Clear eyes achingly numb
Skin desperate to soak in
The sweet mist of pain
From where the clouds came
Oh, when the clouds come

Does your body know you’re awake?

Does it lay there,
Restless
Aching for attention
Dreaming of sensations,
Spiritual suspension
Endless thoughts churning
Trying to backstroke
Chin-deep
In the shallow end?

And as you float
Half immersed
And lucid waves gently raise
The tips of your fingers, the
Hairs on your neck
So above and below
Satisfaction’s sweet edge—
Think of me, insatiably
Before you drift off weary ledge

Until tomorrow,
Where I’m sure we’ll meet again

To dream
To be
Benjamin Button
To feel pain
See suffering
And return
To safety
And peace
Of youth
And mind

Yet, to live
As I am
Dorian Gray
To remain unchanged
Paint by numbers
My colors
Fill to the edges
And they never
Spill over

I putrefy
As prisoner
Of my inability
To die
Decided by
My dream
Of being
Born again