"Daddy! Daddy listen to me count!"

One. I am the one. Your youngest descendant. I had no claim to your throne. I didn't want your crown.
Two. You had two other women besides my mother. Your beloved Queen, her closest lady in waiting, and my Mother, a peasant barely of age.
Three. In case you ever wonder a single mother has to work 3 jobs to afford an apartment, that smells like cigarettes and depression, and a diet of Ramen Noodles and freezer meals.
Four. "Mommy cries alot. I can't seem to figure out why. She told me I'm gonna be a big sister. I hope it's a boy."
Five. "Mommy never leaves my bed side at the hospital. We lost our house because Mommy had to quit her jobs. I don't like it here though. They poke me with needles and I'm losing my hair."
Five. "Mommy tells me it's okay that I can let go."
Five. "Grandma said an angel came in the night to make me better.
Five. I got called a boy in the bathroom today.

Five. I forget how to count when I'm emotional.

Five. I don't want to be bald.
Five... I mean...
Six. Your peasant found comfort in the arms of your best friend. His names Jim. He introduces her to Mary Jane, Molly and Aunt Hazel. When they're with her she forgets her two baby girls exist.
Seven. After 7 foster homes we ended up back with Mommy. She's more tired looking but they say she's clean. She still smells like our first apartment.
Eight. My innocent voice would carry the same heart breaking question to my worn out Mother's ears. "Why don't I have a Daddy like every body else."
Eight. The first time I was called a *******.
Eight. At 8 the bullying began.
Eight. Maybe I'd be better of dead.
Eight. He wasn't suppose to do that.
Eight. Mommy said it's wrong for a man to touch me like that.
Eight. Daddy why didn't you save me. You were suppose to protect me from all this.

Eight. Because you loved the feeling of the bottle pressed firm to your lips and the scorching of your throat, burning away any truth that could crawl it's way out your mouth more the 8 children you claimed and your ***** little secret.

Nine. I've seen you 9 times in my life. And each time you look worse. No teeth. Little hair. You've had 9 strokes in just a few short years.They say you spent to much time with Jack, Jim, and Jose. They don't know how you're alive.
Ten. I used to think you were a king. I used to tell myself you were busy running a country, fighting a war, doing anything noble. Instead of just leaving me.

10. I'm an adult now.
9. They say you accept the love you think you deserve.
8. Maybe that's why I fall for the jerks.
7. There's a boy. He likes your friends too.
6. I don't think I'm very happy anymore.
5. Sometimes I like to hang with Uncle Jim and Uncle Jack.
4. I can never have just one.
3. Each time it get's harder to say no to Mommy's girl friends.
2. I'm the daughter if two addicts.
1. "See Daddy I told you I could. I can count from 1 up to 10 and back down 1 again!"
"Sweetheart, that's a teddy bear not your.. your.. your..."
"I know Mommy I'm just pretending."

I wish you had shot me with a bullet and a gun.
So everyone could see the hole you left behind.
Doctors would reach in it and dig around to pull the bullet out.
My body would eventually heal and the memory of the physical pain it caused would fade as a scar was left behind.
Instead you shot me with your words and your mouth.
Lies, broken promises, and words left unsaid left a wound in my chest the size of my heart.
If only you'd shot me with a bullet and gun.
Then I could say I hated you and everyone would understand.
I'd be given medication and not feel a thing.
I could move on in life as if nothing happened.
But **** you, it just had to be your words and your mouth that inflicted this trauma.
Your sweet words still replay in my mind, torturing my soul.
And no one can see my pain, they don't understand why I hate you.
Why, oh why, couldn't it have been a bullet and gun.
When you leveled your weapon and aimed for my heart I would've been really dead.
But instead I'm still breathing, and walking around. My hearts still beating, my eyes still have to see you. But my mind still thinks of only you and my soul is crushed.
All because of your stupid, beautiful, honey-like words, and your disgusting, perfect, delicious mouth.

Shadows scurry past.
As the darkness attempts to engulf my small circle of light that surrounds me.
The light is warm, comforting, and fills my body with a soft peacefulness. A calming hum of energy.
I close my eyes and focus on the delicate feeling the light brings.
Trying to block out the movie that keeps skipping in my mind repeating the same worn out scenes over and over again.
The words have begun to jumble together.
And the collection of many different scenes begin to blend together crudely in this amature film of self torture.
Every little piece I had cut out of my life tape and shoved to the deepest crevice of my mind, shoved into a box, wrapped it in chains and threw away the key have now broken free of their confinement.
And trapped me in a similar cage.
I am now a prisoner to every sin I've commited and every horrid event I wasn't strong enough to stop.
Trapped in my conciousness my physical being paralyzed in fright and my soul slowly being shattered with each reminded of the past.
I'm unable to stop the tape but able to pause it for brief moments.
Only for a loud, sudden sound, the feeling of goosebumps on the back of my neck, my love grabbing my hand, whispering in my ear, or touching the skin under my clothes to hit the play button again. But maybe, just maybe, if I hold onto the light I can escape.

If it's even possible to escape ones own mind.

I don't mind being lonely.
It reminds me I can still feel.
Because after you broke my heart I wrapped it in steel.

I'm a free spirit.
Lonely and cold at night.
You have a wild side.
So I'll hold unto you with all my might

You are my late night lover.
     My romance under the stars.
             Both of us using the other to fill a void inside.
                   Two lonely hearts bonded over confessions in the dark.
You're brokenness out in the open, on display for all to see.
     Mine hidden away inside, pushed down into the depth of my soul.
           Saying sweet words to each other as if we'd somehow believe them.
                 Whispering the truth so quietly even we could barely hear it.
Now as the dawn comes closer I'm starting to realize... I want a relationship, and you don't know how to treat a girl as anything more than a fling.

You sounded different when I answered the phone..
"I may have had a little too much to drink. I don't remember why I called you."
2 a.m. on a Saturday night.
Made me realize that maybe, just maybe, you missed my voice too.

The first time you unsewed your lips and smiled at me I knew I would never be able to find anything on earth as beautiful as you.
When your melodious laugh bubbled up from your lungs and out your newly freed mouth I discovered that every composer and musician that will ever live has been trying to capture that sound.
When you began to direct your words at me I felt like I had just encountered the most gorgeous intellect a human brain could offer.
Your words were poetry and the conviction in your words could convince any dying man there was hope to live another day.
Your shoulders pushed themselves back and you displayed a confindence in yourself that was unrivaled by any kings.
You choose your words carefully because you knew the power they had.
You could start a war or bring world peace with a flick of the tongue and one look with your beautiful blue eyes.
You put every great speech of histort to shame with a simple hello and brought more hope to my heart with your sewn lips in a half smile than any inspirational speech ever given.

I'll laugh a little longer and talk a little louder than normal.
As you turn and look on que.
He works to get your attention.
But lets face it he's no you.

He.
He is change.
He is a breathe of fresh air after a night trapped in a damp basement.
He is pools of depth and emotion where eyes used to be.
He is a gentle caress where your forceful blows once landed.
He is what I need.
He speaks truth where you spoke lies.
He is a million hellos and you were a never ending stream of goodbyes.
His hands running down my body scorch with passion igniting my being on fire. Warmth.
Your hands were ice cold like a bucket of water on Winter's coldest day. Freezing.
When I see his smile the next 20 years of my life flash before my eyes.
When you smiled I wasn't sure I'd make it there.
He whispers in my ear, "You're so beautiful" & "I can't believe your mine."
You whispered in my ear, "You'll pay for that later; No one wants you, hell, neither do I"
He holds my hand like I'm a prize.
You held my hand in a grip that foreshadowed the pain to come.
He says, "You're perfect, please stop hiding from me."
You said, "You're worthless, without me you're nothing."
When he puts his arms around me its to pull me close, hug me tight, and show me he's there.
You put your arms around me to show me how fat I was and stop me from running away.
He is my protector.
You were my aggressor.
He rebuilds me.
You destroyed me.
He is joyful memories.
You are nightmares.
He is a man.
You are a boy.
He is teaching me what real love is.
He is erasing you from my soul.
And one day I will be able to tell him I love him without feeling your hands around my neck successfully stopping the words from pouring out of my mouth.
Because He is mine.
And since the first time he saw me I have been his.
He is happiness.
He is not you.
He is my forever.
He.

Tall, muscular, and handsome with a killer smile on top made girls fall at your feet in hopes you’d pick them up.
Only for them to be trampled shortly after by your sure powerful steps as you trudged through the forest of fawning females.
You were a hunter and the women falling for your smiles were mere trees in the woods of life.
Meaningless and in the way unless needed for cover.
You were a hunter that had stolen cupids bow and arrows in hope of finding true love.
I was your intended prey, something cute and fuzzy like a rabbit.
The first time we talked without a group surrounding us you told me I was too sweet of a girl to be with, “That ******”, and I deserved better.
I still laugh a little every time I think of how, “That ******” still considers you a friend.
You listened to me vent about him and all my problems and our first conversation was like a breath of crisp, early morning, all-most-winter air, refreshing, shocking, and exhilarating.
You were like no one I had met and instantly I began to fall for you.
Until she came along, and stole your attention away.
You forgot about your rabbit in excitement of chasing bigger game.
You broke your rabbits heart not knowing that she was actually the biggest game of all.
I thought I was the prized game animal in your book that you wanted me and no one else..
But I was just another tree in forest, with no one around to yell timber before I fell.
And now that you’re back I’m sorry to say but a fallen tree cannot stand back up.
So tell me Mr. Hunter, If a tree falls in the forest,and no one is around to hear it does it make a sound?
And more importantly if I fell again would I fall into your arms?

If you were a book I'd open you up and read you cover to cover.
Taking my sweet time to reread you're hopes, your dreams, and your fears.
I'd read your past quickly, keeping in mind you aren't the same person.
I'd always have you in my hand.
I'd mark my favorite pages and highlight  my favorite lines.
I'd selfishly keep you hidden, so no one else could fall for you like I would.

You were the Sun vibrant; so beautiful that it made your eyes water if you stared to long.
I was the Moon capable of nothing without you.
You brought light to my dark and broken world.
And in that first peek of a sunrise;
I knew that you would change my world forever.
I knew that things would get better.
and I fooled myself to believe sunsets didn't happen.