This one goes with the others. The other stash away poems with your name on it. Its a shame that you'll never read these in your lifetime. Funny how youre close to my heart but far past my mind.
I want to let you in and all but other days I feel as if you wouldnt appreciate & take tender care of it. I'm afraid that you will not be able to understand my complexity & that there's more to me than I seem.
But how can I take you on a tour of my mind when I gave you my heart & you're abusing it? My sanity is 'bout the only thing i have left- if I even have that. I would be a fool to give my mind & heart for you to keep then bash me with my own feelings,
all because I let you in. My fears in letting you in stick deep. Which is why I have these writings stashed away, maybe one day you'll be prepared to face the real me.

growing up I never knew that the only color visible to me would be blue.
How can there be colors if we're all blue? The harsh realities of life, stress and anxiety creates that hue.
Although my mind is in a cluster,
I cant help but to wonder,
why did I rush to become this ?The thoughts I had of my life were past lavish.
Blue is the only color I see
As if my thoughts are the sea. I try to drown my fears & anxiety , but they can swim & no one told me. Why did I try to do such a thing? Now all they do is haunt me & bring me pain and romp & disturb my soul.
For God's sake I'm too young to be feeling this old. Take me back to the glory days, I miss how things used to be. Back in the days when I had a family. And by my side-
grammy.
Take me back to the glory days when only innocent thoughts would rave -
in my mind. Those were the glory times.
How did I become to this state when all I see is blue ?
I know I wear glasses, but tell me do I need new eyes too?
Trivial times, I'm facing head - head. "Nothing matters , yet everything matters." I said. My feelings, anxiety and stress ahead cant **** me if i'm already dead.
I want to change my perspective. I want to see other hues. I wish I had someone that could change my life from this blue.
tbc... // (g.m)

My other half ;you became
until one day you had put me to shame
'My other half' i no longer claimed
for I had told you to restrain
My spite soon reached it's peak
until one day I said “No more being meek”
My wrath I did not tell nor show
because I remembered how Karma goes
Since my wrath went untold
The more my wrath began to grow
Fake smiles & "okays"; I gave out like drugs
Because it indicated that I had felt nothing but inside my heart lugged
The plastic genuine-like smile allowed you to come back in my arms like men & dogs
But then it dawned on me that I got no apology for what you had done to me
So on that day I got even with my enemy
My foe thought we were on good terms
But no, a lesson is meant to be learnt
The secrets that foe shared with me
was now exposed for everyone to see
My foe was put to shame in the public eye
Maybe they will learn in due time that the game I was playing was such a beautiful lie
It occurred to my foe that
It was a plot & that my intentions were sly
and also that
Karma's a *****
& so was I.
(g.p)

Our thoughts of doubts are traders
for making us think we cant retain and obtain what we want
leaving us in fear..
We question to attempt and even try.

I wish God could send my dreams thru the mail
I wonder if he likes to see me fail
I wonder if i'll ever reach them at this point
It seems like everything is turning switching & flipping
I wonder if my dreams are too big for me
Or is that just the voice of misery & frustration creeping up behind me ?
What is there to do?
What is there to say?
If i pray for my dreams right now will they come in the mail today ?
These questions toss & turn in my mind daily
Trying hard not to let the voices lead me astray
Focus on my focus is what i say
Dreams upon dreams i see
Focus on your focus they said
Dreams upon dreams i saw
Tears upon tears i cry
Failure upon failure i felt
Dreams i saw
blurred out, i see no more
Tears  fell, they saw
Dry your eyes they said
To write, is what i did
Are my dreams too much for me?
They arent here, as far as the eyes can see
When I go to sleep I see my dreams face to face in front of me
My older self she said, youre dreams are so big the most you can do is imagine, not physically see.
I took in what my older self said , then i said my one of a kind self just told myself my dreams so big only i can reach them myself.
Focus on my focus i say
Dry those eyes i say
Greatness i see
when i look at me

"I have learned the power of words....because if he said let there be light and there was then..man imagine where our words can take us"

Stella
The immeasurable things i'd do to have you back here
Your presence; I still feel it in the air
Your voice still lingers & the room is filled with your heavenly atmosphere
The scent of your perfume
The way your eyes would bloom
Your walk & the sway of your hips
The way your smile forms with your lips
Like a beam of sunshine
Are all the things I miss
About you.
Why did you have to go? You know there were years ahead of us in which you've loved to see me grow
I dont understand why you were taken from me at such an early age but you know I still think about you everyday
The love I have for you is so strong
Not even death can break this indestructible bond
Those nights I see you in my dreams, I get filled with joy & cannot wait to go back to sleep
“I'm such a paradox” i tell myself
Because it hurts so much.
The tears which fall
are because when I see you in my dreams
, it occurs to me that I really dont see you at all
idk if i'm to put God, You or Cancer at fault.
I say God because it was him who took the homemaker from us.
It was him who took our legs from our table so that we can no longer stand.  
It was him who removed our limbs from our tree.
Why would he do such a thing to helpless me?
I say You Grammy.
I say you because you didnt tell me you were leaving.
I say you because you had us all grieving.
I say you because you departed from our everlasting love.
I say you because you promised you would be fine.
But why did you tell me such a beautiful lie?
I say cancer.
I say cancer is the one to blame.
Where did you come from and why did you bring us so much pain ?
The sleepless nights, the prayers, the fights.
You feasted on someone I held in my heart. You took her soul & left her to depart.
Why do you look for people to take on your wrath, destroying innocent lives & leaving them to fight to survive?
My full hatred towards you is indescribable.
I hope someone puts an end to you & show you that you are
In fact, stoppable.

If I die before I wake
I pray the Lord my soul to take
To guide me thru the night
And to rid my thoughts of every fright
To purify my dreams from death
& avoid the devil becoming a threat
If i should die before i wake
I pray the Lord my soul to take
To take my young soul to the streets of honey & house of gold
Rather than becoming a victim of the underworld where sin prevails & evil lurks every soul
I wish my sins be forgiven, but my life be one that's worth living
If I should die before i wake
I pray the Lord my soul to take
& walk with me thru the night and wake me up with the morning's light

There she goes
Look at her
Rising to confusion
Falling into disillusion
Mental state of delusions
Mindset like Confucius
Physical features read  'perilous'
Feeling of evanesce
Sadden thoughts are a dissolvent
Dissolving in the sea of voices  
“You can't” “Worthless” & “disappointment”
Disregarding
Rising to her obligations
Disregarding  snakes & fakes
Overcoming the voices
Look at her
There she goes
Now read bottom up.

... The pills keep swallowing
I swear I walk with God but
                The devil stay following

Do not trust me, for I'm  a poet  
I will analyze and read you
Stanza by stanza
hook by hook
My aim is to open you up
Enabling your thoughts to intertwine  with mine & to fall obsession towards me just by my words
Like your  favorite  childhood book.

Some say money is the root of all evil
I say money is the root of all people
It is just paper yet it holds so much power
You can get it in a day & it'll be gone in an hour
It can be a total destruction or simply a simple satisfaction
Growing up we are taught that everything is money & it doesnt grow on trees
We even learnt to count money when we learnt our A-B-C's
Money sparks the flame in our eyes and brings the spirit of greed
Everytime we get money it's like the more things we seem to need
Money taunts us in our sleep and fanatasizes
"Come get me! Spend me! Steal me!"
They all cry from a heap
It states "In God we trust."
More like "For the paper we lust"
Are we spending with values or are we spending for us?
Money is money and nothing else
So treat it as such and save yourself