it was late nights that we stayed up talking about stupid ****
the night was young
we were two sexually frustrated people
i was curious
and your eyes were wanting
what I  was willing to give
your words were slipping into me
and making me feel like I was the best thing
you told me you loved me
and that you would never leave
but you ended up leaving

-H.M.

dad
such a emotion filled word for me
I never had one
all he was to my family was a ***** donor
and definitely not a care giver
if he gave us anything
it was tramatic memories
up until 2 years ago,
I thought everything my dad did to me was my fault
and I just wanted to **** myself
because I couldn't live with my filthy self
he touched me in innopropriate ways and I let it happen
I let him into my bed because he said I seemed sad
he slid his hands up and down my legs
in a not so pure way
the next thing I knew he was sliding up my dress
he took my pure innocence
and shattered it in 10 seconds
I've been raised in a world where if you're not a ******, you're a *****
I never had a change to find out what a virginity was
but my dad took mine
and all I want now is someone to hold me
but I'm too *****
and nobody even wants me

my eyes are tired and my face is red
I'm craving the feeling of tiredness in my body
but the thought of you makes me too happy to want to sleep
my brain is a race track
its never stopping
its keeping awake
so let me wait till the race is over.
but the race is just starting
and I think I may be awake for a while
my eyes are getting droopy and my mind is getting lost
I don't know how to feel or what to think but
I think I'm lost in the thought of you
dreamy eyes
beautiful face
great taste
I love race you cause my brain
so when you ask me why I'm tired in the morning, it's because I couldn't stop thinking about how beautiful you really are.

since the last time
I made ugly marks
on my beautiful skin

since I realized I was so much more
than trying to get the blood on my wrist to gush out of me

since I understood there are better ways to solving problems instead of slicing up my wrist

since I just knew that I wanted change for myself

now I use words to heal my sick mind when I'm feeling down

now I understand the healthy ways of getting rid of my sadness, instead of letting my sadness get rid of me

now I am a changed person just for me

If you're wondering who the dumb blonde is, it's me.
I'm the blondest,
and the dumbest.
And when it comes to love,  I get the most hurt.
Not only am i really hurt
I'm really missing you
I hope the thought of me is not killing you
I really regret loosing you
I bet the thought of me in pain is soothing you.
Missing you has turned into wishing for you
wishing for you has turned into reaching out  to you
and all I get is rejection which aches that part in my heart
because i really wish that I could have you in my arms
but all I'm left with is memories
because that is the result of feeling broken hearted when you're a dumb blonde.

I sit in math class
thinking why y=mx+b
I start thinking about life
and how I could put it into this problem
y would be you
mx would be your and my ex
and the +b would stand for me

y stands for you because
when I decided to take you on
I knew it was gonna be me plus our ex
and I thought it could work

mx is our ex's because they both
just team up together to try to ruin
the happiness we built and so they
are multiplied together because they're
a team.

the +b has to stand for me because
I'm in this situation too and I stand alone in it. He wants me but he could go back to his ex.

I'm so confused why he can't just cancel out the mx and just keep b.
Is just the 1 of me not good enough for all of him?

I physiologically don't believe in suicide
I don't believe that it help solves any problems that are going on,
but I'm not saying you're stupid to feel suicidal.
the terms suicide and suicidal are defined two major different ways.
suicide can be defined as the act of killing yourself
but suicidal is thoughts of killing yourself.
thinking and doing is majorly different, because if you're committing suicide or committing suicidal thoughts you are doing to major different things
but I am suicidal

everyday I wake up and do normal teenage things
I battle this mental hate for myself
sometimes it's harder than other times
other times I get so sick thinking about what I've let myself become.
the days I don't wear makeup are my worst days
because I don't have the motivation for anything
life can do terrible things
but I'm just not ready.

I remember hearing this phrase for the first time
some crazy lady I had to see weekly
always asked me, "any suicidal thoughts lately?"
I shrugged it off because I was so scared to know what it meant
that next week she asked if I had "suicidal thoughts"
I asked her what they were because I was ten or eleven and it wasn't in my vocabulary.
she googled it for me
Google defines it as "Suicidal thoughts, also known as suicidal ideation are thoughts about ******* oneself, which can range from a detailed plan to a fleeting consideration and does not include the final act of killing oneself. "
and I thought about ending my life for the first time.
I told my friends at lunch that day that I wanted to die.
I had tears in my eyes
I couldn't just lie
I was in 5th grade
these thoughts started so young
I felt so horrible
I tried to take a bottle of pills
I awoke the next morning
and I wasn't happy about being awake.

if only tonight could be the last night
that all this would end
life would be great
if my body was lifeless
I am sad
and I've never shared this story before.

it's been so long
since I put my feelings
into lines of writing
I'm getting dusty
with these kind of things
I feel like a traitor to the world of writing
my mind is destroyed
my heart is broken
my eyes are tear ducts
life is hard,
some times too hard to write about
I would never wanna hurt someone else
but I always hurt myself
I'm so confused with my life.

every night
when I close my eyes
and start to dream
my mind drifts to
some pretty creative things
but I always end up
with you
**** I really need you
I miss you

life is a drag
I don't want to be here
my mom makes me go to counciling
but takes me out 30 minutes early
I nearly killed myself last week
mom says its just for the attention I think I need
well mom all these voices in my head keep me company
the voices tell me to stay in bed because this is the life of a party
mom says why don't you go get real friends to bring to a party
mom can't you see I'm stuck in such a self destructive loop and I'm so sorry

I'm tired
I'm tired of being something I'm not
I'm tired of giving the best that I've got
I'm tired of not living up to the top notch
I can't keep acting like everything is okay when it really is not
I can't keep giving everything I've got because I'm always left with nothing
I can't live normal because I'm ****** up mentally.

This is not a poem,
but I just want to use pretty words to express my happiness.
Seeing the way the wind interact with the trees,
makes a smile appear on my face.
As I glance over at my family laughing together,
it makes me feel a warm feeling where my heart is.
Like I said, this is not a poem,
I want to use words to express the way life makes me feel.
Meeting new friends,
makes me feel very important to society.
Beginning a new year,
is like hitting reset on your internet history.
You are free from all mistakes ever made.
I’ll say this again to make it clear, this is not a poem.

I know where your resting place is.
But you left me with so many questions,
and I just want to know why.
Why did you have to go?
Or is it better left unsaid?
Are you okay?
I didn’t hear from you for a while
before you permanently left me.
What’s it like in Heaven?
I hope you’re having a great holiday
with everyone who left this earth before you.
Do you hear me when I try to talk to you?
I talk to you when I miss you the most,
and I just want to be selfish and know if you hear my voice.
Is life up there easy like everyone says?
I know you struggled so much,
and I’m glad you’re in a place where no suffering is a promise.
Can you send me a card signed by you and your dogs?
I love traditions, and that one was my favorite on Christmas eve.
But just so you know, I miss you every single day.
This month marks month 4 without your talks.
I never dreamed to go a birthday without you.
You may not be physically here with me,
but you will never leave my mind.

At the age of 4, love was the thing that your parents were in.
And it was also the reason for them to be together.
So you were glad that they were “in love.”
At the age of 6, love was talked about a lot.
But it normally was gross and gave you cooties.
And you swore you would never be in love.
At  the age of 10, boys start to become so cute.
You just can’t keep your eyes off of them.
And everyone is developing crushes
and they start dating each other.
At the age of  14, love is the craving of every teanager.
You feel like you have to be good enough for a guy
and that is all that matters to you.
But, when you turn 16, love is abused.
It’s no longer what you ever thought it would be.
And boys make you cry
and emotionally unstable.

Death has been a common friend to me.
Family came into my life,
and left so soon.
I need you so much,
but you're 6 feet deep in the ground.
How is this going to do me any good?
So all I have now is the memories
and stupid thoughts that will haunt me
but not you.
But what I am seeking for is something tangible.
Nothing will ever be as great as you are.
How could you do this to me?
Just to leave me with that common friend.

I used to ponder on the past,
but now I live like a free woman.

I used to be trapped in an imaginary cage,
but now I’m discovering the world that has lived before me.

I use to be afraid of changing,
but now I’m afraid of staying the same.

I used to be problematic at best,
but now I’m ambitious at worst.

I used to look at poems as a waste of talent,
but now I see them as a work of art.

I used to try hard to be like others,
but now I am myself.

I love you.
Yes what you’re reading is true.
But we don’t connect the way we use to.
When your hand softly brushes my palm,
it doesn’t feel like a magnetic force that must stay together.
Our hands no longer connect like a 500 piece  puzzle,
where you need every piece for it to work.
I think you lost a piece.
I think I’m losing you,
This
Sure
Won’t
Be
Easy.
When I glance at you across the room,
I get this quick urge to look away.
I can’t see you the way I want to.
Our love is as clear as a persons vision who goes blind.
We lost all of our love darling.
And I’m sure this won’t be easy to comprehend.

I remember the day like it was yesterday
you lied to me
you swore that you would be back
and I believed you.
10 years later
and I still am waiting for your presence
I don't want to breath in your absence that’s been left
because I know it would **** me.
but ****,
where are you dad?
and why have you been gone for so long.
10 years from now
You will still be my favorite mystery.
At 24, I’ll finally realize
I’ve been looking forward to a dissapointment.

We have nothing close to an ordinary love, my dear.
An motorcyclist and a ballerina appear in mind,  
But that’s not even that clear.
Our bond is better than anything I can dream of.
a chemical bond between two atoms,
we are extraordinary.
But you still have that “typical boy” in you.
You bug me like a tick in the ear,
I love the pain you cause me.
But you still have that “manly strength” in you.
Protecting me like a hand lays protected by a boxing glove,
our love is something that is unspoken.

I've done it again
the monsters in my brain
take over everything
its the 4th time this month
I've tried to **** myself
how I am alive?
why do I keep having to suffer?
When does life get easier
or does it not get easier
I'm so sorry
I'm really sad

my mind is a nomad
except, my mind has found a resting place
I can't really devote to one thing

but when I think of you
it's different because,
I truly know that I only want you

you are the sparkle in the sky
you are the beauty in the sunsets
you are my favorite sunrise
I want you to be mine

I think about you all the time
your lips pressed against my face
this is too much lust for ***** sake
but having our lips intertwine
sounds so devine
in a mind just like mine

my fingers and your arms
click like a mother/daughter bond
I really just want you in my arms
because no one makes me feel
as good as what you do to me.

come be with me
and just do the things that you do to me to make me feel so complete.

every time I wake up
in this empty bed
not next to you
it makes me think
more about how much
I really do just need you
but you hate me
so I guess I also hate you

how could you
you took my heart
and just dragged it around
and then let go when you were ok
you led my eyes
into the dreamy sky's
and you were mine
but you woke me up
and showed me that you don't care
you dropped my heart, its shattered
and I can't seem to open my eyes
see what you can do
to someone who really loved you so?
-H.M.

you put my mind through hell
you're killing me, man
but all you care about is who's having *** with you tonight
I constantly thing about you
but you only think about getting laid
your love is actually a drug to me
its toxic and im dying
but you're too busy
worrying about who's gonna be
******* you tonight
to see how much you're really hurting me.

We talk again
5 months later and sadly,
nothing has changed.
You are so oblivious
how crazy in love i am with you,
you share with me the girl you wanna bang.
Do you have too much respect for me,
or do you think I'm ugly?

I'm missing you
and I bet you're feeling nothing.
I crave your cigarette tasting lips
and I want them for myself.
I am so jealous of all the girls
that you share your beautiful body with.
I am so sad on this August night
because you still aren't mine.

you promised it wasn't wrong
you told me that it wasn't a bad thing
"it's only a game" you said.
after we played the "game"
it was the 3 year olds fault
you told me I was forced to keep playing
or I'd get taken to jail
you told me it was a fun game
no one would get hurt
you told me to not wear my pjs
we both couldn't wear clothes
you told me it was just the rules of the game
you put your hand on my bare skin
told me I was beautiful
but we could never tell
it was only a game for 2 players
no room for anyone else
and you started to get further
you said now touch me
I hesitated
and you were so forceful
you said
if I were to tell anyone you'd have to **** me
you threatened your own 3 year olds life
because you didn't want to get arrested
you know its ******* illegal to mess with children you **** head
*******
******* for all the pain you caused me
you ******* messed with my head
but you didn't ******* care at all
you thought it was okay
because it was relieving your "needs"

I let your life take control of
my actions and thoughts
because you were all I could
think about

the drugs you made me
consume were making me
not the same me that
I really wanted to be

every time you kissed me
it was like poison being
injected inside of me
and I was addicted

the words you spoke
made me feel like
I was something

but now im nothing
and you are my everything.

how dare you be able to tell me
that my everything wasn't good
enough for the life inside of you
I showed you any part of me
that you wanted to see
I just wanted you to be happy
and now you want me to be dead
life hurts
and I ****
im sorry

gabhajanans

the acceptance letters were sent
and I was so excited
because I thought my writing
was worth something
to people.

but all I know now
is that im just another **** writer
that thinks writing is a
job and not a hobby

well im sorry
but I wont make a living
on writing stories about
my love life.

I still think about you
as you lay in peace
6 ft under the ground
tomorrow is your birthday
you're going to be 56

and that's breaking me
I wanted you to see
me grow in every way
im sorry that you
were in so much pain

just promise me
on April 9th and 10th
you will be there with me
when im performing
my heart out
in remembrance of you

love/ an intense feeling of deep affection

2. lust/ to have a strong or excessive craving

I take these two words into play
when my brain thinks of your name

I feel deeply connected to you
its so insane

but I sometimes crave you
like a summer day

so I ask myself
is this love or lust?

but one day
as we lay

I will know if this is love or lust

I don't know what it means
when all you can write about
is the man of your dreams

I don't know what it means
to feel cared about in beautiful
ways like he seems to

I don't know what it means
to have a guy that would to anything
to see the bright smile appear again

I don't know what it means
to have a guy care about you
the way he makes carrying seem.

but what I do know is if its
something that is true
I want you and only you
to show me what it means.

I know why
I want to spend
the rest of my life
with you

its the night conversations
filled with our hearts
that mean something
that keeps me alive.

its the smile in your eyes
I want to see each night
but I can't
because im so far away

but distance won't stop me
you capture the most
beautiful pictures
of yourself at
the greatest of moments.

you're feeling a little sad
and I refuse to get mad
because you're human
and humans have feelings

but if I find out
that someone's making
you sad
things won't be
as pretty

I really love you
and I just want
you to have
happiness
because
happiness is key.

nothing but positive
is in my life to stay
im tired of living
in such a negative way

today is the day
that I can declare
change to the way
I see the way of life.

life itsself is
such a beautiful place
it's filled with yellow Rays
and pink figmented flowers

and at the end of the days
as the nights start to lay
the pretty colors in the sky
say hi, just for a little while.

and finally
im tired of the nasty ways
no more bad days
I declare for myself.

boy, I keep falling for you.
first it was the words you spoke
you could make saying
"I hate you"
seem so beautiful to me

next it was the way you would say
"I love you"
I love that you're not original
you say I heart you
it's so beautiful

now it's the way you make me feel
and every conversation
is just so real
and I love you.
or as you would say
I heart you bb boo

hey lover
please stay away
I beg you with tears in my eyes
there are ghost in the walls
and when they find the soul
they actually want
they will take you over
and I know they're searching for you
darling, this is hard for me
but please don't come around
to this ghost town anymore.
-H.M.

recently life has been dull and grey
where's the color?
in other words
everything is normal
and nothing is exciting anymore
nothing's making me happy enough
to want to express it
in the words that roll out of my brain

lately, I can't seem to get my words
to flow right anymore
it seems the confidence I had
in all my writing skills
has been wiped.

My words are knotted up,
and this knot is the devil
I cant work with it without
loosing everything I am.

writing is starting to become
harder than my math homework
I think this is goodbye
to something that actually
made me so happy.
-H.M.

im tired
my brain is telling me
my best friend hates me
but living without someone
who you put half of your life into
isn't fun
im dying
the happiness "light" on my face
is dimming
you're probably planning a way
to say goodbye
because im nothing you need
**** im over thinking
and now
im nothing.
-H.M.