my self value
is nothing
my love for
myself
is still, nothing

noth-ing /pro: not anything; no single thing.

the dictionary finally
has a word that describes
the way I have been feeling
about the life inside me

I can't help
but to hate
the person
that I've
allowed myself
to become

im feeling nothing
and I am nothing

"Heidi why do you have those lines on your arm?"
it's because im a broken person
trying to heal from all the pain
And the way I say this
I am no where near close trying
to romanticize my self harm or self hate

"so you mean people made you have these cracks in your skin"
remember the phrase "words hurt"
well the horrible sickning words
that were addressed to me
were killing me  

"Heidi please don't ever say you hate yourself again because I love you."
oh darling
you're beautiful 7 year old mind
makes me feel like
I'd never have pain again
but what am I feeling
as im trying to explain
why I hated myself so much
to have "cracks" in my skin
-H.M.

valentines is sad
s-singles
a-awareness
d-day
but why constantly
be sad
when there are others
dying for your attention
**** i lost my writing mojo

im watching you
slowly have a harder time
to take deep breaths

please just fight for me
I need you
to do this for me

it's been weeks since
I've seen you
and its making me weak

please just don't die on me

numbers are rising and lowering
im watching my life slip away
anxiety building up
so high where there is no way
to get down
and I am scared to come back down
my blood pressure
is sky high
and my oxygen level
is ground low
im ******* dying
and you don't even know.
-H.M.

finally, you're not the only one
that has to put me in pain.
because honestly
everytime I breathe
it feels like a knife in the veins

does this mean this is
"the end"
is my story on its last page
because I still wouldn't change

im so tired
im mentally drained
and I can't feel anything
im so ******* numb

goodnight
-H.M.

the blue in the sky
every single time
it has to remind me of your eyes
and it triggers off
everytime you said goodbye
and you only said bye
because I could not handle the lies
that you feeding my mind.
and now
im just stuck here with why

now I hide in the lies
that you planted on me
in such a beautiful way
I fell in love
with each seed that
you may lay

now I'm a beautiful garden
with no one to take care of
any of the flowers
that have bloomed
into something bigger
so each lie you said
may not be as beautiful
because they are dead
but they still stay.

I hope you know
that you are the reason
I want to die.

love
hate
like
date
the words that are four letters long
tend to be the ones we don't talk about
in front of our moms
I could never tell mom
about the things i love
because love comes with happiness
and I don't feel happiness
I never could tell mom
about the man I hate
because it was the same man
she was in love with at one time
I never could tell mom
about the man I liked
because the thought of
seeking her approval for a guy
I've already fallen in love with
would hurt me too much
I could never tell mom
about the men I date
because it was already too late
and if the guy broke my heart
she would probably hit them with a rake
14 years down the road
my mom has never heard me
mention an emotional four letter
word to her
and that makes me feel ok

as I sit on my porch
drinking the cup of coffee
in my favorite black cup,
all I can do is be reminded of you
and think about how
I want you
to be able to sit by my side when
something so  beautiful
just like you
appears in the sky
and I want you by my side
but you're 200 miles away
and that makes me cry
but maybe before I die
we can sit on the beach
with coffee
and watch the sunrise.

Tom,
it's been about
6 and a half months
since I heard your voice
felt your joy
and got a tight hug
I miss the way your face
would lean into the hug
you would give
I miss hearing all of your stories
about all the places you've traveled
I miss planning my future
but all of those times we planned
did you know you were dying?
I miss your voice
I miss sitting down
and talking about food with you
I would do anything to
feel your presence again

**** I need you with me.

today is the day
that I actually really
want to die.
I haven't felt this way in a while
regathering up my blades again
developing a sadness again
getting so bad again
I'll be dead in a week
so
until then please promise
you will love me
so I wont suffer my last week.

if my thoughts
and feelings
were a blade
and it cut
everytime I wanted to die
I would have
500 cuts today
and im already drowning in my own blood.

honestly
the thought of a boy
being all googly eyes over me
sounds great
but
the thought of a boy
crushing my heart
when he is done with me
isn't so great

the thought of a boy
being by my side every time
I need his voice the most
sounds like a blessing
to my young soul

but
the thought of that same boy
calling me names
when we are out of love
hurts me more than
the break up
of our
love.

isn't it so ironic
that when we post
something happy you don't get noticed
but when you're so sad
everyone just comments
and makes such a big deal out of it
instead of glorifying sadness
glorify the feelings of happiness
because its better
and you'll love it.

WOW!
what a time to be alive
what a great place to live
being able to wake up
any morning at 6:30
and be at the beach to see
the beautiful colors God panted
in the sky
over the blue bodies of water
is such a great thing
it is such a great time to be alive!

life isn't always as bright as it could be
but with you

your smile shines
though the clouds
on a cloudy day

your eyes
form the rainbows
on the rainy days
you make the light
at the end of the tunnel

your personality
makes me grow weak
I am always me
when I'm with you

my friend
welcomes me
with a nice
tight hug
using his hands against
my neck
the closer we get
the tighter those
hugs are
and honestly
we're so close
I can't breathe.
and my friend is
sadness but
it already killed me.

to the people
that want me
dead tonight,
what if your
words were
just enough
to push me over
my standing point?

why am I allowing
people who
don't know me
judge the therapy
to my feelings

I CANT ******* HELP THE WAY I FEEL
I WANT TO DIE
I WANT TO CRY
I WANT TO LAY DOWN
I WANT TO JUST
NOT BE ALIVE
SO LEAVE ME THE **** ALONE
WITH ALL YOUR *******
THAT I AM NOT STRONG ENOUGH
TO DEAL WITH

"I don't want to be alive anymore"
"I gtg my phone is dying"

how ironic
at the same time your
phone was dying
so was i.
but what was more important to you?

the pain
that is behind
all the happiness
hurts less
than faking
my smile.

will I say the right thing?
or am I ******* it all up?
am I going to
be a ******* mess?
or will I be put together?
why am I worrying
about words
that haven't even had a chance
to come out of my mouth yet?

the words
that my mind are
bringing me
is probably
killing me

what the ****
I was 4 years old
and you betrayed me
you told me lies
and I loves to hear them
*******
for not caring about me
and I hate you.

honestly
I love my life
but I hate living
I hate facing
the daily disappointment
of myself.

I love having friends
but I hate them seeing
what I've become
because I hate
everything about me
and I just wish
I could ******* die
but
I don't wanna make my
best friends cry.

everytime
I see you
I realize why
you aren't mine.
you hurt me i
hate myself

there are so many
flowers in the garden
but you are
the only one I see.

the thought of being in love
sends a wave of sad to my mind
reminding me of all my mistakes
or **** ups that live in the past

it's not you that im not in love with
its the thought of love
that scares the **** out of me.
because all the pain stays with me.

dear I love you
but I don't love
the thought of love.
and I don't want that
to stop you
from love.

they are back
the voices
the ones that tell me
how I am going to live.
and I can't put myself
together again.

it's back
the pain that I feel
when someone
I love dearly
is hurting
and im trying to stop
trying to fix others life
but I cant.

im back
and I dont
want to be back.

I love you so much
but I can't be with you.
say the love of my life.

he said "the drugs are
taking me over."
"im sorry"
he said

"my nose is only
red because I'm cold."
said my love.

I said
"please stop ******* up"

im so sorry
but I just
can't come to
my senses
to not tell
someone goodnight
to someone i love
because every night
my mom tells me goodnight
and I love her very much

waking up
from the night
that I wanted to die
just makes me want to cry
because I hate my life

as I breathe in
the non existance
of your presence

the more
my body wants to
shut down and
join you.

oh what I would do
to be able to see you.
and did I tell you
that i love you?

and do you remember
the things you would do
to make sure I still loved you?
God I miss you.

do you know
how ****** up I am
because I can't be with you.
I just need you.

when I see your face
all I see is sunshine
and the pain hid behind
but everyone can see mine.

did you hear
how I called out
and told you to stay
as I sat by you.

I would do anything
to hear another word
have another laugh
or even give another hug
to you

and you will forever
be my mine.

the thought of him brings so many ugly words to mind that I could turn into a beautiful write.

he told me
"I love your writing."
"could you write about me?"

I said
"I can only write about the pain I feel."
"and I never want you to cause me pain."

6 months later
all I can write about is
you
and the pain
your love caused me

you remind me of a tree
you are beautiful
and hiding the ugly.

fall
you sprout these beautiful
colors on you.
you turn into everyone's favorite.

winter
by then
all the fake and pretty
are gone.
no one looks at you the same
you are just an ugly tree.

and you try to be beautiful on the outside when all you are is ugly on the inside.

you
remind me of a
sunflower

and
sunflowers actually are my
favorite.

you see
men appear to me like
a garden of flowers
and when I saw you
I knew that's the one
I wanted to hold on forever.

you are my favorite flower
and I could just stare at you
because you are beautiful

but im the bee
trying to pick you
when all the other bees
have already used you.
but that will never keep me
from trying

they're back
my little friends
they tell me how
im suppose to live.

my whole body
is trembling
scared that my mind
will fall for the
beautiful words
my little friends come up with.

"come on girl."
"you just need that blade"
"run it across a few times"
"no one has to know"

FOR ***** SAKE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.
im crying out.
and I want no one
and im scared
to make mistakes
and fall into unhealthy
love for the voices
who tell me
how I need to live.

to the one I blame
for the reason I have cuts on my wrists
you never thought you could
hurt me this much
arent you happy?

to the one I blame
for trust issues with relationships
I think the new term
is relationshits
and you dug me
6 feet deep
and kicked me in

to the one i blame
for me falling in love
with the pain
I confused
love with pain
and I'll probably never be the same.

to the one I blame
for putting myself into shame
you were the only one I thought
that would be good for me
and you made me lose myself
and now
im fully gone.

hey you
I think you know
how to hurt me
and to creep
in between my skin
and I hate you

so many thoughts
that run through
my hyper active mind
and I can't think
correctly about
the biggest moment
of my life
im so happy
but other emotions
got in my way.
so I feel kinda sad
goodnight

you think the words
I scramble together
when I want to **** myself
are beautiful
but they ******* aren't
stop glorifying
the fact that people
want to die.