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Apr 2020 · 586
RE: Suicidal Thoughts
Heidi Mason Apr 2020
After a long day of 8th grade,
she came home to be greeted by her two dogs.
Rushing straight to her bedroom on a friday afternoon
just to open her laptop and put on her favorite pandora playlist
While flowing all her brainstormed emotions into her “poem.”

She remember hearing a phrase for the first time
that changed her to a more mature mentality.
Some crazy lady her mom forced her to weekly
always asked her, "any suicidal thoughts lately?"
She ignorantly answered “no” not understanding.
that next week the Lady asked if she had "suicidal thoughts"
Her stomach rages with anxiety as she finds the courage
to ask the Lady what it means to be suicidal.

The Lady’s eyes filled with empathy.
Google defines it as "Suicidal thoughts, also known as suicidal ideation are thoughts about ******* oneself, which can range from a detailed plan to a fleeting consideration and does not include the final act of killing oneself. "
She thought about ending her life for the first time
with understanding of what she was doing.

6th grade lunch time.
Her eyes were drenched with sadness
while her stomach filled with discontent feelings.
She told her friends she wanted to die.
They filled her ears with temporary healing
to mend her mind and wellbeing.

She did not really understand what she was feeling
but with goals to not have to feel anymore.
She takes a handful of over-the-counter
painkillers with temporary joy
that it was all over.

She awoke the next morning with guilt and shame.

After reminiscing on this story,  
She realizes she feels the same feelings
but has already accepted the help she needed
to try to be able to accept these feelings.

She wanted more than ever to not feel anything but
found value in who she was.
Still confused, but understood enough about who she was
to just be able to feel the pain and move on.

She had never admitted this story to anyone.
Not even her loved ones or counselors.

5 years later.
She finds this writing on a random spring night.
She is grateful, encouraged, and empowered
for the growth within herself that she was able to witness

She found purpose for the bad days and loves more.
She stays busy; works part-time and goes to school full-time.
The best part is she does it with happiness in her heart
and with loving and encouraging people surrounding her.

She became stronger than her bad days, allowing herself to fight.
She is proud of her story.
Aug 2019 · 1.6k
first love growth
Heidi Mason Aug 2019
When she looks back,
A small teen believed
he was the happiest milestone
that's ever been marked
in her journey of life.  

She treated him like a dying man.
She cherished every second,
laughed at every word,
loved every part of him
entirely every moment she could.

Her brain would plant
beautiful flowers
and they became nourished by
a simple thought of him.

He did not show efforts
to create a new garden.
Malnutrition problems.
She was over blossoming
beautiful bouquets.
And gave them to the poison.

Time passes by,
she tried to be her again.

The thought of him always lingered
and it achieved all it needs.
Questioning herself, lack of confidence.
Day after day pass by,
She doesn’t know what she wants
lost in the ways of the world.

Her brain participates in ways to burry
the negative feelings to succeed
at only feeling good.
She’s stuck, the pain overbears her.

Fatigue, sadness, lack of motivation
all tag along, alone with nothing better to do. Weighing her down in the world while he is living like one normally does.

6 years later. She’s asked about her first love.

When she's thinking about him,
her brain shrivels up
like a flower would when it's cold.  
She try to protect herself, “Debatably a waste of time but also glad it happened.” She answers.

Growth is in pain, she acknowledges.
She thinks of her previous pain
only to find the root of sadness
to be able to change.

She lets go. She loves herself. She is beautiful. She feels like she is worth the world and deserving of a loving guy.

She notices that her maturity was key.
She lives life for her every day. Not for a boy, not for her school, grades, parents. SHE LIVES FOR HERSELF.

Her peace became important. She realized, feelings of hers are real. She is allowed to feel. Her emotions have power.
this is a very personal story on my growth over the last 6-7 years of my life
Jul 2019 · 165
Grief
Heidi Mason Jul 2019
As science advances, an option of eternal life on earth has still yet to come. We live knowing that we will die.
Is there a timeline of our life that we can't see?
Is there a limit to life experiences that we can take?
How come it is still so hard to accept the death of others?
You live everyday like it could be the last but only because you're told to not waste your days. You've seen many lives come to an end before they had the opportunity to realize the beauty of life.

Twenty-Four hours minus the time it takes for your body to rejuvenate. What can be accomplished?
There is no correct answer. Anything.
Many hours are dedicated to sad thoughts. Weeks fly by.
Unhealthy habits created, trembling fears followed.
The only person who understood you is gone. He's dead.

Eventually, a light shines through all darkness.
A realization of no one can live life for you, except you appears.
You find joy in the little things. The trees overwhelm you with joy cause they are so green and you've never taken time to observe.
Days following are filled with routines and productive thoughts and behaviors.

A year later, the pain is reminisced on. You notice growth.
From not wanting to live through the week to waking up joyful for the opportunities that day holds. Joy is easy to come by without trying. Sad days are limited and happiness is plentiful. The days past were not wasted but a lesson learned.
This is about me overcoming the death of my brother.
Nov 2018 · 384
The Ugly Duck
Heidi Mason Nov 2018
Eighteen years of life
spent loving and hating everything.
As a toddler, the only worry in her head
was what she was going to dress up as
during her day.
She loved princesses and her mom.
She hated the way her mom and dad argued
and was terrified of alone time with her dad.
As a pre-teen, she worried about her friends.
She loved every single one of her best friends
more than she really knew.  
She hated the way  her mom worked all the time
just to make sure they were taken care of.
An attitude develops from being around her besties
and her mom hates it.
Rolling into teen years, worrying about everything felt appropriate.
She loved traveling and having fun.
She hated that she realized she was the 'ugly duckling' sibling.
Never good enough, there is always something wrong with the ugly duckling.
Depression, it took the best of the duckling that was convinced she was ugly.
Sep 2018 · 166
Typical Wednesday
Heidi Mason Sep 2018
My eyes haven't been able to adjust to the light around me quick enough before my mind already started thinking. "Did I oversleep?", "I'm never going to be able to be successful." Oh how some days I hate being me. Feeling defeated after only being awake for 5 minutes, I beg myself to even be able to go back to sleep for 30 minutes to restart my day. After arguing with myself about what the best thing to do is, I get out of bed 45 minutes later. Wash my face, brush my teeth and find a decent outfit. 1 hour into my day and I'm on the edge of an anxiety attack because I feel so self conscious in my own skin. I look in the mirror and really hate being me. A day of school goes by, and I nervously watch the clock tick closer to 4 pm. I love work but I also hate it. Why do I feel the need to fake my happiness to make others feel better? Im so toxic for my own self.
Sep 2018 · 258
My mind floats like the sea
Heidi Mason Sep 2018
It has finally registered to me
that all I do try to make others happy
ends up making them hate me.
I feel like no one really gets me
like being the only ugly pearl
in the sea.
Though, its an unfair expectation
to think people would understand
the complexity of me being me.
Jun 2017 · 278
Re: Chain Mail
Heidi Mason Jun 2017
Dear fellow slug victim, I am sorry.
I have lost at this game and now so have you!
Losing is not as bad as it could seem.
What is new, you let down your team.
I knew you lost because of where you were stuck.
The opposing team pulls in all the good ones.
They have a way of suckling your brains
and taking  you to the dark side
you lost
and now your mission is to **** everyone.
Everyone who is around you needs to lose this game, too.
Can you handle this task?
I hope you can, too.
this is not about real chain mail its about depression
Jun 2016 · 391
6 am
Heidi Mason Jun 2016
I love the taste of plain coffee
as I sip I can feel energy kick in

I love sitting in my white rocking chair
listening to the birds start their day

I see the ants running
and the ideas in their head flowing

I have mad respect for wild animals
it's every man for itself

I love staring off at the trees
and every day I still try to count all the leaves

insects are so cool
because they survive on their own

who do you know
that can use team work correctly?

the sun rising is my favorite
how cool is it to see what brightens our day rise from sleep

what's even better is as the sun is rising the sky is painting crazy beautiful colors

I feel the mosquitos flying, and biting me
but really shoo fly don't bother me

I hear cars starting and I suddenly am
thankful for everyone getting to work for my Sunday festivities

it's only 6:23
I'm already on my second cup of coffee

ideas are flowing
energy is starting

I flowed these words as I finished my second cup of coffee
Jun 2016 · 331
how a relationship can feel
Heidi Mason Jun 2016
he was the happiest milestone
that's ever been marked
in her journey of life

She looked at him like a woman would look at a dying man
She cherished every second
She laughed at every word
She loved every part of him

her brain would plant
beautiful roses
and they would become nourished
when he was in her thoughts

life quickly began to change

3 months after
she tried to collect herself again

She saw and thought of him
since he took all the good
flowers away from her
and never tried to replant them

it's been such a long time
since she thought about him

when she's thinking about him
her brain shrivels up
like a flower would when it's cold  
She try to protect herself
but he's everywhere

when she saw him
her walls appeared so high
the only thing she could see
was the beautiful blue sky

she said, "it gets lonely
when all you can see is blue
and not being able to think
about what happen between us two"

she knows he's  fine
because he told her
guys are 'so tough
and have no emotion'

did she quote him right?
Jun 2016 · 312
Be true to you!
Heidi Mason Jun 2016
I know a girl
she's so pretty
and she could have it all

I'm envious of her beauty
everyone wishes to be seen like her
while deep down inside want to be her

she seemed like she had it all together
but in reality the blues took over her
faster than a bad case of poison Ivey

this sadness was poison Ivey
she saw herself as nothing
while everyone praised her and called her their 'everything'

you can have it all together
and still be so sad
because sadness can be poison to our beautiful life we treasure

I just hope for everyone to be themselves
love yourself the way you are
because you're so beautiful

every inch of flowing blood
that flows in your body
is continuing to flow for a reason

your eyes shine bright when you see that boy
because you deserve the happiness
that he can give you.

be the truest of true
to the youest of you
and do nothing but love yourself
the way i would love you.
Heidi Mason May 2016
Selfishness: the quality or condition of being selfish
I've never found a definition
that described me so perfectly

I spend my life
talking about everything I hate
and spreading around negative weight
not even knowing why I wake

and every time I feel just an ounce of selfishness
reality takes it toll on me
and hurts a loved one

why do bad things happen to good people
she's only 24 and is diagnosed
with 4 different cancers
but still manages to find
that reason to smile through the pain

Life has its ways to teach me lessons
but some lessons are more harsh
than others


Selfishness: the quality or condition of being selfish
I've never found a definition
that described me so perfectly

I want to formally say sorry
to everyone who was ever in need
of a life

because I acted like
the life inside of me
was just another branch on a tree
Mar 2016 · 366
self-titled
Heidi Mason Mar 2016
4 people
have asked me if I'm okay

and I said yes I'm fine
but really I'm dying

But give this to me
how can you tell someone you feel like dying?

when they care
and all they do is worry

my body is numb
and my hands are shaking

I have a sharp pain in my chest
and no, I'm not faking.

all I feel like is achy
this feeling isn't what I wanna be feeling

I'm sorry to everyone
that genuinely cares about me
but I just don't care about myself
Mar 2016 · 305
thoughts
Heidi Mason Mar 2016
life *****
friends change
people leave

life feels like a pattern
of never ending sadness

the minute I get happy
60 seconds later it's gone

I'm an over thinker
and I know that

I get late night sadness
and suddenly nothing else falls in place

I feel a little numb
and none of the puzzle pieces fit

while people are leaving
friends are changing
and life is *******

I still do not get handed a break
because my mind is overworking

I get handed some loneliness
and all the sudden every thought I have
revolves around reasonings why
no one will ever want me

I'm the worlds best "worst thinker"
and I'm sorry
Mar 2016 · 540
to the boy who broke me
Heidi Mason Mar 2016
3 years of knowing you
36 months of your *******

I don't care how you are anymore
you hurt me beyond no point
anytime I talked to you it was like a sharp stab in the heart

you convinced me that you were the only one to care
you told me you fell in love with the way I look and how I did my hair
I was convinced I was the only one that had your caring heart

you played my heart
you made me believe in what you consider love when what you wanted was not my heart
and I'm not a set of playing cards

you took my innocence and smashed it  and I can't look past it
that filthy game you play, you've mastered it.

3 years later I know we aren't meant to be and it took me 36 months to figure out you're not what you say you want to be.
Feb 2016 · 251
waves
Heidi Mason Feb 2016
waves
they roll onto shore
and on their way here
they crash
and they move
and do awesome things

life is like waves
overall we will do awesome
but on our way to success
we crash and fall
we move on
and then we have our great days
that's just the way it goes.

the waves meet their way
onto the shore perfectly
they meet for about 5 seconds
and are taken away
to make the shore feel loneliness

like waves, I met you
when life was going perfectly
an awesome five months
and you get taken away
and all the sudden
I'm lonely again
and nothing has changed
Jan 2016 · 252
relapse
Heidi Mason Jan 2016
Oh, how easy it would be
to solve things the way i use to do
by taking all of my pain out on me

It would be so easy
to stop trying to be happy
by letting the sadness sink into me

Why can't I stop trying
and let life take the trail
that it's led to do?

It ***** when I feel this way
because nothing makes me want to stay
I wish I wouldn't feel this way

Maybe what I really need
is someone to tell me to stay
and maybe then I might find a reason to stay

but until then...
Jan 2016 · 260
thoughts are a mind killer
Heidi Mason Jan 2016
today im suffering
i dont want to admit it
because i think i deserve it

today im thinking
about how i dont wanna be here
but what else is new?

today im upset
because everyone told me life is fair
but now that im doing life, nothing is fair.

today i dont think i can do this
because my favorite people are gone
and all i wanted was them to stay

today im thinking
because when you're alone you think
and im killing my mind

my brain told me
that it cant keep going on this way
and my hands are shaking

its been so long since ive felt this way
i dont know who to talk to
because no one in my life has stayed.
Jan 2016 · 279
without you
Heidi Mason Jan 2016
I have this crinkle in my nose
and it only shows when you're not around

I have dark under eye circles
and they appear when I start to think about you

I have frown lines
and they are all because of you

I have cold hands
and you're not here to warm them

I have an empty bed
and you're not here to fill it

I have so much time
and I still can't see you

I think so much about you
and you still can't even tell that I'm hurting

all I ever do is what is good for you
and you still claim that I hate you

you are the stress in my life
but I still can't help but tell you I love you.

-H.M
Jan 2016 · 269
title
Heidi Mason Jan 2016
my body is numb
my head aches
my eyes hurt
my mouth is wrinkled
my arm hangs
my legs are twisted
my feet trip
my hands type

my cold, sad body sits here with tears falling down my face as i think about you and every memory we shared and all I know is I miss you more than words could ever say.
Jan 2016 · 605
the patterns that never end
Heidi Mason Jan 2016
Life feels like a revolving door
and I keep walking in the same circles

Go to sleep at the same time
wake up at the same time

Life is no fun
when everything starts to feel like a pattern

For some reason, when i start to feel better
something knocks me off my feet again

I heard that an old friend took his life
and I'm laying down in the rocks

I can't move this time, and all I do is scream
I scream "HELP" but no one can hear me

Life is really starting to feel like
quick sand and I'm slowly falling

Life is a revolving door
and all this happens over and over again

And I'm feeling nauseous

-H.M
Jan 2016 · 300
thinking about thoughts
Heidi Mason Jan 2016
sometimes my mind roams
to thoughts about the ocean
and I think about how the ocean
must be lonely during these cold nights

sometimes my mind roams
to think about your my ocean
and I think about you
and even I am lonely without you

sometimes my mind roams
to those 4 am drives
and you're the only one on the road tonight
it makes you feel like you're left alone in this world

the thought of love makes me puke
but when I think of me and you
I feel so complete
just like I'm suppose to

how come there's so much space
in this world without loneliness

and I spend 5 minutes alone
and I'm already so sad I can't speak.

-H.M.
Heidi Mason Jan 2016
to the guy who got away before I could say goodbye, **** it dad. you've really hurt me this time. Nothing's changed you're still hurting me. 11 years of constant pain that you just keep giving to me like it's money. Your name pops in my head and all I can think of is your crumny face that was always so red. You came in my mind and made me think that you could be a dad for the first 5 years of my life. How dare you? To give a 5 year old abandonment issues. You walked away without anything to say, and I wanted you to just say bye. You took my purity and made it filthy. I'm choked up on the thought of you being good. My voice cracks when I talk about you because you messed up our family. You made me feel so ****** inside for so long, and it's time for me to feel okay. And all I need is to crush the grief from the "passing away" of you being in my life. How dare you have the guts to even try to message me? you are not what is best for me, please leave me. Allow me to sort this all out in my head because right now it's very cloudy and I can't seem to think. can we call this a blonde moment even though I'm not blonde? because I feel like the thoughts of me wanting to talk to you is just another "blonde moment" just because of how **** stupid you are. You're so ****** and I want nothing to do with you. Stop sexualizing over everybody, we are humans not *** dolls. Grow up and show some respect.
you don't even deserve a sincerely,
the daughter that is doing way better without you here (Heidi).
Jan 2016 · 338
fear
Heidi Mason Jan 2016
I always feel scared when my family tell others that I enjoy to write because all my life, I've always heard writers go no where.

I've always felt scared to share my witting, because every word I've put in has an emotional connection to my thoughts.

I'm scared to share my thoughts with others, because it seems to be that everything I say is stupid and I turn out to be the duff.

It scares me to think about losing my mom, because my mom has been my everything to me since the day I was born.

The thought of having to face my dad scares me, because he was nothing but evil in my life and I don't want that back.

I'm scared of the dark, because lies and deception don't happen in the day light and it makes me think bad happens in the dark.

I'm scared of getting very depressed (again), because when life gets to the point of all you wanna do is cry, nothing is right.

life scares me, because you can't turn on the news without hearing that someone was killed and I don't wanna raise kids in this world.

life is scary and I can't do it on my own.
Jan 2016 · 220
together
Heidi Mason Jan 2016
when we are together
blood flows
hearts race
people laugh
plants grow
faces smile
fingers connect
lips touch
leaves fall
time ticks
life fits
please see we are so right together.
HMM
Jan 2016 · 241
sunrise 6:32 am
Heidi Mason Jan 2016
I remember the first sunrise I went to
it was second most beautiful thing
that my eyes had ever seen.

because 8 months before
my eyes locked with yours
and the rest has been a road trip.

On this trip, there are flat tires here
and flat tires there
but we they always seem to be repaired.

The sunrise shined with beauty
I could smell the pink stripes is the sky
and felt the way the waves moved.

I shared this view with about 2
2 great people who had awaken
to see the beauty that this world has.

The  sun started to rise
and then so did I
and you weren't mine.

We arrived to our location
the trip was all over
and you were no where to be found.
H.M.M
Nov 2015 · 330
how I knew it was over
Heidi Mason Nov 2015
I knew we wouldn't last when our hands no longer clicked in the same way

I knew we wouldn't last when they way you said you loved me was a way you would say it to a mocking jay

I knew we wouldn't last when the minutes we were separated started to feel like the rain when it gets evaporated

I knew we wouldn't last when I realized my eyes looked at you like just another street walking stranger

I knew we wouldn't work when I concluded that I became a flower but you were the rotting roots.

-H.M.M
Nov 2015 · 550
relapse
Heidi Mason Nov 2015
going one step forward, two steps back
can't seem to get my life on track

two steps forward, four steps back
I can't find the answer I'm looking for

three steps forward, seven steps back
my mind can't relax

one step forward, three steps back
can't you tell this is a relapse?
Heidi Mason Nov 2015
Selfishness: the quality or condition of being selfish
I've never found a definition
that described me so perfectly

I spend my life
talking about everything I hate
and spreading around negative weight
not even knowing why I wake

and every time I feel just an ounce of selfishness
reality takes it toll on me
and hurts a loved one

why do bad things happen to good people
she's only 24 and is diagnosed
with 4 different cancers
but still manages to find
that reason to smile through the pain

Life has its ways to teach me lessons
but some lessons are more harsh
than others


Selfishness: the quality or condition of being selfish
I've never found a definition
that described me so perfectly

I want to formally say sorry
to everyone who was ever in need
of a life

because I acted like
the life inside of me
was just another branch on a tree
Sep 2015 · 490
argument
Heidi Mason Sep 2015
words going back and forth
hateful words said for no reason
yelling coming from one
crying coming from another

words are so powerful
yet so cruel at the same time
words have so much power
that we take advantage of

the crisp dry words
that fly off of your partners tongue
come out so fast
you don't realize how much
you just hurt the one person you love

im so tired of pain in a world
that is suppose to be happy and pretty
its tiring to see so much sadness
in a place that is a pleasure to live in
Sep 2015 · 296
The confusion of love
Heidi Mason Sep 2015
Love(n) -an intense feeling of deep affection.
Or (n)- a person or thing that one loves
Love seems to be a very complex idea
There's so many questions
that I want answers to

Is love an idea or feeling?
Because how are you going to tell me
that love isn't an idea
when you think about it.

how could you tell me love isn't a feeling
when that's all I can feel?

Do you feel it through the rush between your toes or is it that glowing look that won't go away?

Do you feel love in your stomach when the butterflies come to rest?

When do you actually know you love someone, because I think I accidentally ate a bowl of loveo's this morning and I think I'm in love.
Sep 2015 · 597
The book of Life
Heidi Mason Sep 2015
life is a never ending cliffhanger
constantly wondering what will happen next
but you don't know till you get there

my life is like a book
and every day I leave off
on a cliff hanger

it's so hard to lay down
to go to sleep when you don't know
what's gonna happen next

I wish I could skip a few chapters
or fast forward my life
to know the exciting parts in the beginning

so I lay here to fall asleep
and read a new chapter tomorrow
in the book of life

until then,
I'm stuck waiting.
-H.M.
Heidi Mason Sep 2015
no one else can feel things for you
only you can accept them
be yourself
any chance you get
because there will be a day
where your unsure of yourself
and you will need to rely on memories
to find yourself again
speaking from experience,
you always seem to lose yourself
trying to find the real you
hold on to yourself
and love the way you are
Sep 2015 · 548
pain
Heidi Mason Sep 2015
life is as boring as a park with no kids in it
I am the park craving for you to come visit
but I never know when someone will show

I miss you like the moon misses the sun
when it's unfortunately night
and they are separated by time

you are like the tiara to my sleep
it doesn't really make sense
but neither does you staying in my life

I crave your love like a kid craves chocolate
you're so bad for me
but I love that I get you

I wait for your presence like a little kid waits for an ice cream truck that's already past
I waste all my time
sitting, and thinking about what I want.

the sun would never wanna see the day where she doesn't pass the moon
and that's how I feel
I never wanna lose you

pain finds its ways
to creep on you
like the kid
who can't stop following his mom

pain is everywhere
and I can't out run you
Aug 2015 · 259
illusions
Heidi Mason Aug 2015
who said life can't be close to perfect?
the idea of perfection is an illusion
no matter how you try
nothing will ever be close to perfect
why can't I strive to make things
as close to perfect
as I think they can get?
this isn't finished
Heidi Mason Aug 2015
I'm so sorry for having to constantly
share my hidden emotions
to people who don't even know me

but this is the way i can express myself
through the sentences that form in my brain
but are too painful to say

I'm falling apart to the breaking point
my heart can't repair the hurt I feel
I'm just trying to reach out to people who care

and I need a purpose.
Aug 2015 · 284
I'm tired
Heidi Mason Aug 2015
Life stresses me out  beyond the healthy level

The sadness
behind my parents divorce
is haunting into my skin
and it'ts attacking me

The pain
that is related with my father
comes in contact with me
when I really don't need it to

The tears
built up with the hurt in my heart
is pounding really hard
it wants out
but it's stuck and i can't release it

The guilt
piling up with pity on myself
makes me feel worthless
why am i feeling so sorry for myself?
Aug 2015 · 602
sad feelings in a sad brain
Heidi Mason Aug 2015
life is as boring as a park with no kids in it; I am the park craving for you to come visit, but I never know when someone will show

I miss you like the moon misses the sun; it's unfortunately night and they are separated by time of day

you are like the tiara to my sleep; it doesn't really make sense, but neither does you staying in my life

I crave your love like a kid craves chocolate; you're so bad for me, but I love that I get you

I wait for your presence like a little kid waits for an ice cream truck that's already past; I waste all my time
sitting, and thinking about what I want.

the sun would never wanna see the day where she doesn't pass the moon, that's how I feel because I never wanted to lose you, but you're gone.
-h.m.
Heidi Mason Aug 2015
there's more to life than ***
you put my mind through hell
you're killing me, man
but all you care about is who's having *** with you tonight
I constantly thing about you
but you only think about getting laid
your love is actually a drug to me
its toxic and im dying
but you're too busy
worrying about who's gonna be
******* you tonight
to see how much you're really hurting me.

We talk again
5 months later and sadly,
nothing has changed.
You are so oblivious
how crazy in love i am with you,
you share with me the girl you wanna bang.
Do you have too much respect for me,
or do you think I'm ugly?

I'm missing you
and I bet you're feeling nothing.
I crave your cigarette tasting lips
and I want them for myself.
I am so jealous of all the girls
that you share your beautiful body with.
I am so sad on this August night
because you still aren't mine.
I added a little on from five months later and how im feeling.
Aug 2015 · 534
Inside Out
Heidi Mason Aug 2015
Scars remind us where we've been
but there aren't there to decide our future
I'm so tired of everyone
telling me I will do bad in life
because I can't exactly control my emotions.

For once, I would like someone to notice
the improvements in my everyday life
Why aren't we focusing on the fact
that I don't slit my wrist anymore
instead of the reason why I was doing it.

Emotions are very silly
They crawl into your skin while you sleep
and they become how you think.

Dear brain, stay strong and stay true to me  
please don't **** with me
I don't know what I would do
if you were to hurt me.

I'm so tired of this sad life
I can't take it and I want out
to all the happy emotions out there
please see me as I sleep because
I am very deprived of your company.
Heidi Mason Aug 2015
late night
droopy eyes
4 more hours in our car ride

my best friend is passed out
in the passenger seat

flashing lights
weary eyes
I'm so tired

of the horrible lies
that have been fed to my mind

I'm surrounded by emptiness
nothing to wow me

I hate the life
that surrounds me

life could be be better I admit
but if life becomes too good
would I still be where I sit

I don't want change
I hate it
can everything stay the same?
Heidi Mason Aug 2015
guilt is what I feel late at night
constantly complaining
of the loneliness I feel

look at the night sky
observe all the stars
they're so far apart

their separated
from their loved ones
never to meet again

they're forced to see what hurts them
seeing all of each other
but never allowed to hug each other

imagine if humans
had to live like stars
and be at least 10 feet apart

next time you want to complain
be thankful that you're not a star
and you never have to be apart
Aug 2015 · 497
the world that surrounds me
Heidi Mason Aug 2015
the world I am blessed to live in
is so huge
when will I be able to discover everything?

before I die, I want to be able to say
I've been everywhere in the world
but, who doesn't?

why is this world so big?
it's like teasing the poor people
of the places they'll never get to see

dear God,
please allow me to see things I haven't seen
and speak to people I haven't met

the people in this world
are so **** incredible
everyone's original in their own way

I love to take a drive down strange roads
playing radio stations I've never heard
to hear all the talent

why do people wanna be each other?
when originality is beautiful
be yourself so you can see yourself
Heidi Mason Aug 2015
though it isn't really late
I have a lot of time to think
about the person I've been

change is great, yes it is
but there are different types
of changes you can make in your life

the two different types I have made were
believer and none believer
and man as a believer I feel great

I've always craved the attention of others
old me: I need everyone to love me
new me: I have God to love me

I never understood my purpose
old me: you really don't have one
new me: everyone has their own purpose on this earth, you just have to wait it out to find it

I always follow the wrong crowd
old me: it's okay as long as you are happy
new me: though you may seem like you're happy, the guilt from doing wrong cancels out happiness

a few of these scenarios explain
the depth of my faith
and I hope to continue to walk and grow in it
Jul 2015 · 469
Fallen
Heidi Mason Jul 2015
Help!
I've fallen and
I metaphorically can't get up
I've fallen in love
and I'm stuck on the ground

and no one is around
to pick me back up
or to give me the boost
that I desperately need

I've fallen for a guy that I can't have
I am not his type
and he's everything
that I want in a guy

I'm stuck
on the ground
waiting for the day
that someone picks me up again
and makes me feel worth it

I'm tired of going
down the same path
with every guy out there
Jul 2015 · 376
lost and found
Heidi Mason Jul 2015
there are guys
in and out of my life 24/7
I fall in love so easily
please forgive me
I'm really not easy
I just want someone to need me
while you're at it, please me
I feel so easy

when I cry
I lie into a pit of this other world
where everyone's walls are down
and no one has any self respect

it's so easy to get trapped into
this second world of mine
and lose myself while I am trying to find me.
Jul 2015 · 283
Jesus High
Heidi Mason Jul 2015
you know you are feeling spiritually high
because everything in your life is so low
Jesus Christ is the love of my life
and my cup is over full
life is good
and nothing's a drag
Jun 2015 · 358
Early Riser
Heidi Mason Jun 2015
today I beat the sun
in our little race on
who wakes up first
it was still a little dark
when I felt ready to go today
I love early mornings
because life goes
at such high speed
we don't get time
to appreciate the small things
such as watching the sun rise
while you have a nice cup of joe
we are wasting our life
on trying to grow up so fast
that we are missing out
on the things that could last
Jun 2015 · 394
The day
Heidi Mason Jun 2015
the day my mind takes over my body
is the day i will shut down completely

the day my thoughts take over my actions
is the day that I won't function correctly

the day my pain takes over me
is the day i will be put in my resting place

the day the words don't flow
is the day i will be forced to not have happiness

it seems so weird for me
having symptoms of all of the things
that would happen one day
I think I'm dying and
I've come okay with that.
Jun 2015 · 601
Fear
Heidi Mason Jun 2015
My greatest fear is being forgotten
lately I've had to face this fear
because I am nothing.

My greatest fear is being forgotten
and last Christmas,
my grandma forgot to get me anything.

My greatest fear is being forgotten
ironically I have forgotten all
of my self value.

My greatest fear is being forgotten,
it just so happens to be that every time
my family does something I seem to be not included.

I'm living in a world where everywhere I turn I am facing my fear, but instead of me getting over it, I'm getting worse. I spend late nights with a lot of thought that makes me face the fact that I have become the forgotten one.
Jun 2015 · 490
A life of confusion
Heidi Mason Jun 2015
I never understood
how someone could give up their friend
for a boyfriend
or how someone could
give up their best friend
because their friends with their ex boyfriend
are we lacking the true meaning of a friendship?
because if there was any value behind the meaning
of a friend then how can you give them up
like you're dropping trash
a friend is defined as
noun
1.
a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection
if we had such a true bond then how can you be okay without me?
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