Written September 27, 2015

"My day to day affiliations
Contain online conversations
Distractions, from face to face complications
And changes
I feel alone yet suffocated at the same time
You see, every time I think about it, it gets me crying
Because I am not meant to feel this way
Having to ask every time I leave "mother may
I" can't believe this predicament I am in
Feeling like I'm a child, no chances to explore the world I am within
But I am lonely
I am so ******* lonely
And I can't do anything but feel these feelings that I have you see, I can't seem to get things off my chest and even when I'm filled up like a balloon ready to burst, no one is there to tie me down
No one is there to listen to my problems and help me reflate the positivity within my mind
Except I
And let me tell you, a negative axis  leads downward ***** and I for one am halfway there
I am sailing away from myself into the waters with no light
I find myself breaking day after day, and one day that boat is going to tip, all the water will sink in and I will not be the same
Traumatized, lies, cries, goodbyes
They haunt me in my sleep
How am I supposed to give into someone's love anymore after all the times I opened up my heart and it was crushed?
Trust is no friend of mine
For all those I thought were reliable, turned to my bad side
So I sit on the floor and cry about another day
And I wonder if there's any way
To make this all go away"

written May 27, 2015

"People are lessons
Some good some bad
You my friend, are everything I wished to have
But you shed your skin and your true colors emerged
And you revealed that you weren't as high up as I once believed
For you actually were the opposite, so low and deceiving

But people are lessons and you sure taught me something these past 12 years of schooling never did
That you can't trust a boy with a glimmer of love in his eyes
Who tells you he loves you so and whose hands you hold at night feel warmer than your mothers touch
Whose kisses breathe life into your soul as you feel as if you're suffocating yet filled with life at the same time
Because all these gestures, my dear
Are gestures of a boy whose eyes are looking at other girls, whose hands are reaching out to other opportunities and whose lips are talking about everything but you

People are lessons
And you were just a lost cause who wasn't worth my time
I hope you look back and realize you lost something great
For my sights were set on you, my hands were ******, and my lips never shut up about how wonderful I thought you were
I moved mountains for you when you barely moved 25 miles to see me
So thank you, for teaching me that love is blind to a lovers eye"

written February 27, 2013

"She locks the stall door and proceeds to cry
Strangers they were, not even one 'hi'
They passed by each other, no eye contact or smile
Now she sits in the stall that dear, dear child
He feels no remorse, no regret nor sadness
She falls all of this including the madness
That she can't seem to get over, a silly little boy
Who played with her heart, like it was a toy
The toy he did play, the toy he did break
The boy she did love, an honest mistake
And the tears she does shed, hide behind the wall
Of the feelings inside
Inside the bathroom stall"

written May 31st, 2016

"And then it hit me

The avoidable thoughts that thrashed through my mind were unbearable

The idea of a life with the absence of you in it

And the idea of a mind like yours not sharing it's complex and vivid thoughts day by day with mine cause me sorrow and confusion

You are my ray of light

You are my rock

and ultimately, you are the reason my heart jumps out of its chest

my irises grow when I set sights on your face

my smile is shown day by day and my laughter is brought on by you

I cannot complete a thought without the idea of you passing through my mind

And then it hit me,

I'm in love with you"

written July 14, 2014

"The early bird and the night owl living under the same roof was strange
And being two different kinds of birds they both flew their own way
One was a night time dweller, up making mischief late at night
The other was an early waker, up at 7 for her morning flight
And despite their differences they somehow agreed
To live under the same canopy, under the same small oak tree"

written November 15th, 2016

"Some say your favorite color sneaks up on you

A repetitive slate that shows itself time and time again

Some say depression does the same

One day - you're feeling alright, the next you're dwelled in this feeling of desire

Desire for the sweet kiss of death to lay its lips upon your cheek

Affection always was highly underrated

And so you lie there - body aching, trying not to throw up, tired of your time, life, dignity

And you wander where all this time has gone and how you ended up here

Yet if one thing is for sure,

You're content in the pitch black nothingness that surrounds you,

Black is a new favorite"

Written August 13, 2015
"I am trapped inside a black box
Four walls consume me and I can't comprehend how the locks work
I am too far down to even reach the key
And these black walls that are towering over me are deep and scary
Yet I am comforted by them in so many ways
For these are the walls that are familiar to me
It feels like I am running in a never ending race, the gun continuously fires as I keep going losing my breath and wanting so badly to be done
But it keeps chasing me down like a bad dream coming back
I can't escape this pain.
I cannot escape this mix between reality and anxiety
Depression stands for many things but one thing they don't teach you in school
One thing mothers don't teach their kids
One thing boys aren't told by their dads is how to treat a girl right
How not to spend one night with her and tell her everything is alright when it's not
The ABCs are more complex then you think
*******
Betrayal
Cause of
Depression.
these black walls seem to be inching closer in getting smaller and making me become more at home
What would happen if I tried to harm myself?
Who would care?"

written April 14, 2015

"Hiding the pain is becoming harder and harder each day
Why did you have to go away?
Why didn't you want me to stay?
Your claim says 'it's not you it's me'
But if that was the case, things wouldn't be
like this
I can't stop thinking about the times we kissed
And the flirtation between you and I
I just can't cope with this anymore
I can't stop feeling this way inside
I am constantly repressing it
acting like it doesn't matter
But when two people collide, talk for five months every day and then stop
their hearts should shatter
Mine has, like glass thrown on the floor
I have so much love for you, I want to show you more
But you cut me off like a tag on clothing
A quick snip, and we're done - I don't need you anymore
What you didn't know, was I was there for you, to help guide you you and chersh you
And I can't believe you did this to me
All I did was try to be the best to you
Because I love you dearly
This separation is nearly
the breaking point
for me"

written December 2nd, 2013


"I decided to write you a confession
To confess all of my sin
And although I don't believe in sin
I decided to fill you in
You see, I'm not the perfect, innocent girl you may have perceived
No I'm not exactly how you see me
And I'm guilty

You see, I just wanted to tell you that you're little girl got drunk two times this break
And two of the times were with boys  much older sitting by the lake
I'm not trying to sound corny - this is all true
Yet, to her this is completely new
You see, your little girl never expected to lie
She said "bye" and then went to a boys house who's much older and...
I wonder what she's thinking deep down inside?
Is she just trying to mend her lonely desires or does she really like this guy?
And it's tearing me apart that you think I'm something else
I'm not trying to lie,
But sometimes when you're baby girl says "bye" she's going out to her friend's house to get high
And it's not exactly peer pressure
You see, she enjoys these feelings too
It really helps distract her mind, to get a clearer view

So she decided to write you a confession
To confess all her sin
And I'm sorry if all of this gets under your skin
Please don't cry any tears, and get stuck in the water
Love you 'sweet and innocent' daughter"

written November 7th, 2016

" All we are is minds bouncing ideas off each other's tongues,

tying together words and knotting the ends of each sentence with and emotional appeal

It's not all ethos pathos logos my friends

Tongues conversing, starting up the engine until you switch gears to  cruise along, floating while speaking your deepest thoughts

It's hard to get your brain to say the right words to emulate how you feel

Constantly trying your hardest to get your points across,

Knowledge is just an essence of this notion

And experience is just an additional charge

Metaphors are meaningless when you are lonely and scared

And I just want to continue to flick my tongue in order for you to feel my pain"

written March 23, 2014

"I have sinned more then you'll ever know
You be the car baby, I'll be the road
You can drive all over me, like you've done before
Say 'let's be friends' then go **** some *****
And I don't understand why I want you still
I'd climb any mountain, I'd climb every hill
Just for you, to look at me like you used to do
That look you gave me, honest and true
It engraved 'I love you' into my heart
And I thought that was the start
Of us having a long lasting love
A spark lit that wouldn't fade till dawn
And when dawn approached, you would leave peacefully and we would still be civil
I guess you couldn't wait for that, I was too young and naïve for your needs
I'm sorry I'm boring
I'm sorry I'm young
I'm sorry I didn't do the right justice with my tongue
Every time you talk to me
Every ******* time you're near me
I just want to be next to you again, in your arms I would be
I just want what we had
Back"

written June 16, 2015

"I don't want your tongue between my legs anymore
I want to have the full you, someone I adore
The feelings you give me but ten times more
and I want to feel you deep inside
Not my body but my life
I want to get to know you, the real you, your soul
Deeper deeper baby, right there that
Hole in your chest that makes you cry, I want to know why
and I want to converse with you like our tongues do in bed
Engaging in a language we both understand but I want more
Give me more
I want your eyes to do what your hands do and monitor my body like I'm your property and I want your hand to hold mine
I want cuddles and laughter
And hearts beating faster
Oh dear, I want to be so much more
Than your *** *****
And I don't want your tongue between my legs anymore"

written February 15th, 2016

"Everything is progressing and moving at a million seconds per minute

Yet I

I am at a stand still

Science proves that when something is sped up to unreal measures, it eventually disappears

My mind is on an oasis with no direction

I don't know who I am anymore

Why does everything seem so unreal now?"

written October 13th, 2016

"Inhale

Sip

Close your eyes and embrace this

Float along, like sprawled out wings overhead

Slowly moving, back and forth

It's time now

Hold my hand

And I will take you to a land that you have never imagined

Awe at the black night sky above

The infinite possibilities and star lit path to

A universe we will never know

But look deep into my eyes, and I promise

I can show you something you have always wanted

Pour your passions into a jar, we will put it on our kitchen shelf

And you

You, my love

Can grow with me

In a universe of us"

written February 28, 2014

"It's 11:03 and I just got back from seeing you
No, I did not think I would still be into you
But you cut your hair and straightened up your act
Despite what everyone says, I really want you back
Now I'm home, intoxicated and a little uneasy
Because I still have feelings for you,
the ones that aren't just ******
You see, the way you talked, your demeanor and all
I want you back, I want you all
This is a ****** poem, because I'm drunk and tired maybe,
but my sober thoughts are emerging and I want you back baby
I wish upon a 11:11 for you to hear my cries
To realize what I'm saying. and feel it deep inside
I want to fill you with love, from your toes to your head
I want to show you how I love you, while I sleep with you in bed
I want to drown you in my love for you, like a rock thrown in the river
Still when I talk to you, I get the shivers
Because you do something to me,
Something I can't explain
I wish I could show you but that would be insane
Because I love you to the moon and back
and I just really
REALLY
Want
You
Back"

written April 5, 2015

"Downing whisky like it's medicine
Downing sleeping pills like it's my life
I need someone to come along and make everything right
My mind is distorted when you're not around
I'm terribly mistaken and constantly feeling down
Most might see me as moved on
Truth is I still haven't grasped that you're gone
It hits me at times when I'm all alone
Or times where I'm out, away from home
But the times that cause the most amount of pain
Is the days where I hear 'he won't change'
Because you were my everything, why can't you see?
I ******* love you Alex
I made that easy to perceive"

written July 9th, 2016

"Familiarity lingers within the silence

A quiet little remembrance of the past I once knew

All alone - yet content

For once, this feeling I feel is no longer surrounded by repetition and tension

Now, I breathe in deep and read the screen through groggy eyes with dark circles and feel so very much blessed with all I have

The silence is no longer uncomfortable

I am basking in its infinite nothingness"

written August 28th, 2016

"Numb to the illusion that past feelings are not present

Numb to the inevitable, reserved, and repressed thoughts that are now coming to the surface

Numb to the cold salty water drops that are making a daily appearance

Numb to the fact that I'm blind that we are not the same

I feel so numb, when I hear your name

Heart starts racing, mind moves at millions

I can not fathom the 'what ifs' and 'whys'  yet they're all that crosses through my mind

I need someone to thaw me out

I need the old you back, to make me feel warm again"

Written December 1, 2015

"I feel like I'm having the same conversation with guys
Hi's turn into Bye's
lies in turn make me cry
How am I supposed to summarize all of this into one line?
I'm trying.
'Babe' and "Baby, you're the one'
But have you heard, that one means none when you're blind sided and reminded that there is other's who you'd rather be with?
And you realize, your words are myths, spitting out the syllables you just want me to hear
Pet names are  nothing but music to our ears
The day-to-day conversations from dawn to dusk are intriguing
But when you really look deeply, they're just words with no meaning
A lonely tactic, a feen for something more
Until the conversation closes, for I was a bore
From here it's the same love story, the way it always tends to end
I'll get the last word, press send, and then pretend as if your lack of response doesn't hurt me,
although it's killing me inside
Then I wish upon 11:11 for you to at least come to a compromise
You'll come around the bend again, and I'll try and act strong
But strong just isn't strong enough, I've missed you way too long
The story then repeats itself, a fairy tale no one enjoys
Welcome to your 'happily ever after'
when talking to a **** boy."

written  August 10, 2014

"I wonder why the girl next door always looks so sick
Day to day she wears her messy hair in a bun, and smeared red lipstick
Her eyes are followed by shadows and like a sun setting, their color red
Little did I know, she did this for her desire to be dead.
Her walks, usually clumsy - mostly at dawn
Her speech usually slurred, her thoughts mostly gone
She made nonsense when she spoke, of her ex, her mom, and friends
Little did I know, she did all this for the end.
Her eyes barely open, glossy and pink
She sat and stared at walls, unable to think
Her mind was a blank state - which was her main desire
Which is why she continued to contribute - an active buyer
Until one day, I didn't see the girl next door
3 days later, she was found dead on her bedroom floor
***** bottles empty, and a hand full of pills
I finally understood, why she always looked ill"

written May 27, 2015

"I feel alive
I feel consumed with happiness and achievement
For I've made it to the finish line
And there's no looking back
This week is monumental and a stepping stone into the big world unknown
Momma, I made it
and from this point forward
I will blossom into the flower I deserve to be
Confidence is key and I've got the lock
For I am finally falling into myself a trust fall I once never felt comfortable falling into
I will do well
I will prosper
I made it"

written August 23rd, 2016

"In the midst of the night, through groggy eyes, she slips her hand through the inviting slits of his

She grips tightly, trying to make body language say the words she was too tired to say

Half asleep, she smiles for this is the first in nights that she's woken up to him by her side

Even with her feeble, tired mind,

she never get tired of him"

Written September 28, 2015

"Behind these walls,
A girl lays crying
Behind closed doors,
She lets her sorrows pour out into the covers and pillow slips
She puts a pillow to her lips and let's out a deep sigh
Wipes her nose on the covers
For she doesn't want anyone to hear her cries
Behind closed doors
She lies awake thinking about why she is this way
Anxieties bounce around her mind like kids on trampolines
Up and down, running around, making  ruckus and lots of sound
To the point where she can't hear anything, but them
'Why won't he text you back?'
'What's wrong with you?'
'Why are you not happy?'
'What's the ******* point?'
Screaming to her like she has a loss of hearing
But trust me, she can hear them just fine
As she tries to block out the noise, they only crescendo into harmonies and off set tones
symphony of sadness is now the soundtrack to her life
And although shes cried 7 times today, I guess that wasn't enough
I suppose you could say her life is getting rough
Behind closed doors,
She lets the tears fall like a running faucet
Behind these walls,
She feels lonely and looks to her comforter for comfort
And behind her deceiving smile,
She is broken"

written January 10th, 2016

"Eyes diluted, staring into yours - red and glossy

Blood has turned to distilled grapes, and I taste the sin on my tongue

You feel up and down my spine causing little explosions to erupt inside my body

Inside every ligament and muscle

The shivers flow through my veins and I feel as if the world has stopped

For once, I'm content in everything that is occurring

Nothing has made me feel as high as the feeling of your touch"

Written December 26, 2015

"His face
The little freckles scattered aimlessly, the way his eyes look as they gaze into mine, the way his cheeks get rosy, and the way his lips curl over his teeth as he smiles and proceeds to talk with -
That voice
Slightly slurred in a beautiful way
It's deep and low which makes it all the more appealing
His touch
The feeling of him caressing my head as he inhales my kiss deeply
Face to face we fall into a universe of our own, one unattainable to others
The feelings run up and down my spine as the two of us get more passionate with one another
Him
So sweet with his words, he makes me feel on top of the world and has made me smile every day since the day they met
So smart
Words on paper flow into a story from creativity that enhances my understanding for him as an artist, an individual, a person
Deep with his perspectives
Always identifying how different we truly are from everyone else
And now,
weeks without face-to-face contact,
I miss
Him
Deeply"

written December 24, 2014

"As I walked inside the flood of memories came pouring down into the deep depths of my empty stomach
And my heart dropped down with them, when I first saw you
Feeble, exhausted, and glued to your bed
Throat so inflamed that barely any words were said
Wishing things were different, but there's nothing we can do
Besides sit and watch a movie together, inside the hospital room
When you caressed my hand, I felt it straight in my heart
Like a pathway to my happiness, you are the start
Our time was cut short, and I had to say goodbye
Our hands fell from our intertwine, to our sides as I looked you in the eyes for this last time
And said, 'bye'
But don't worry my love, I'll be back soon
And I promise I love you from the ground to the moon (and back)"

written January 3rd, 2017

"Hypocracies flood my mind, time after time

I'm not fine, I'm lying when I say these things in my mind are just all composed of rhymes and lullabies

To get me by

Time flies, yet compositions on white boards and ideas of how I want to be are at an intertwine

Inside - it's one thing

On the outside - I can't compromise"

written March 17, 2014

"Inside the wandering eyes of that black glossy stare is
A happy girl, destined to break out of the
Metal cage that surrounds her. It's locked shut, barbed wired and keyed
Now only one guy, can open and succeed, you see
Opening up this dark black box, can lead to the best thing you ever have
Thought. a beautiful, jubilant, loving young girl, who'd make your toes curl
Over the thoughts of her signing your name on the tip of your tongue a orchestral
Variation that you won't ever want to stop....but, it did.
Every day since the day you left, the smile she once had, hid behind
Rails of metals bars, and barbed wire that rusted into itself over time. because
You're not there anymore, you're no longer 'mr. he's mine'
Occupying her mind, she's not fine and
Understand me when I say, she's not over you"

written November 27th, 2016

"Minds wandering across laterals

Collaterals

Intangible thoughts of processes

I am overwhelmed

I can't think of these impossibles, imaginable

And I gotta say

I feel pretty ******

Creativity crosses my mind as minds shout their processes

Time is running out

We must act smart

We must act fast"

written January 25, 2015

"Even a two hour absence of you is enough to make me break down crying wondering why you left
I'm anxiously awaiting a message from you but the phone screen remains as black as the night above
And it makes me wonder, scared shitless if the day comes when I no longer have you, and the phone screen remains message-less
days upon days
Because just these two hourss, and I'm already consumed with thought on why you're not texting me back
And today is the day I know I'm in too deep"

written March 23, 2013

"It's not fair
How one can make your heart beat hesitantly when he's not even in your presence
Just one single thought
Or memory
Or picture
Reminding you of the person you used to be
Happy and loved
and now...
People always why you're so quiet all the time
Or why you seem sad
And even though it's blind to you, to others they see the person you have become
Broken and lonely
It's no wonder you sit at home and torture yourself
With his pictures and thoughts
Just to get a small memory
To remind you of those feelings you once felt
Before everything went wrong
When you were the person you wish to be now
And it's not fair
Because he sits at home
With no memory or thought
Just presence in front of him
No past, no feelings
And you sit here and wonder if he's moved on
Or if he even cared in the first place
And it's not fair
To have to sit through this and think
That he didn't care at all
While you remember all the smiles he put upon your face
Or the way he kissed your lips for the first time
Sitting on that bench, after the first date
What a wonderful date it was
And it's not fair
To hear my own thoughts rush through my head
While his are silent
And I lie here, tears dripping down my face
While he's sleeping peacefully
Without a thought
Without a memory
Without me"

written February 21st, 2016

"Undoubtedly

Irrevocably

Engrossingly

Infatuated with one

Who makes the feelings stick on my tongue

My mind is racing when I'm with him, have so much to say but can't even begin

To describe the way his eyes look when he stares at me, the fact that every time he smiles or laughs I feel my heart beating faster, the way that his skin in contact with mine feels like atoms colliding and

I can't deny anything for I am merely but a speck compared to his obtuse proximity to perfection

As time moves on, the essence of his being creates a heavy heart that grows fond with his simultaneous attention and affection

Without him,

The sky would not be blue, the grass not green nor anything learned applicable

Without him,

Life would make no sense"

written February 23, 2015

"I wish we could be no strings attached
But these strings have already been knotted, tangled and latched
I'm trying to overcome these feelings inside
By untangling the knots one at a time
Until I can subside
and you can quit the lies"

written April 20, 2015

"Despiteful
Disdainful
Disrespectful
Distressed
Those that can't comprehend, are those being repressed
Those who only believe what they see and don't perceive that they're deemed to fall into those dreams and realities of those who they call leaders
But we're all cowards
Falling into each others words like lovers falling for each other
Sisters, mothers, and brothers
We're all one
But one does not mean together
When you're a follower
You see,
Our thoughts are twined together as children being fed Spaghettios that spell out the words we are forced fed to believe in
c o r r u p t i o n
Yummy
Yet what are we really entitled to in this life?
A ****** good career, college education, a wife?
What's been said is done and what's been branded into our minds as a life worth living
Is no where close to a life we're living
An office job, long hours, rarely sleeping at night
A beautiful woman by your side, yet no time for the night
Three caring children you adore, yet abhor their ability to block you out
Care free living is all they want
Yet your rules and ridicules are getting in the way of the way they want to be
Care free living is what they see
No curfew and "no tv"
It's obscene
So feed the children plain Cheerios and have them know their opinions are brought up in life
And everything you say is neither wrong nor right
And that the world is not this wonderful place it's brought out to be
Because freedom isn't  quite as free as it may seem"

written November 19, 2013

"Why do I feel as if I'm going to burst into flames - a growing spark that even the slightest bit of wind can't put out
The stress boils through my blood
The assumptions I branded into my brain have taken over me and my heart is racing
And so far I'm in first place
Because I can't focus on anything else but the presence of you and your little mind games - are you trying to make me fall in love with you? Or fall into your bed where you can make love to me?
These two questions jump across my corpus callosum
Playing hop scotch back and forth and back and forth
You see I can picture it my mind but logically, it makes no sense
That you would ever have feelings for me
So I'm torn between the ideas of love and lust and that **** you pulled Saturday?
It's got me contemplating my feelings constantly
My mind is supposed to stay present yet it wanders to the past to where my heart wants to be, back in your arms snuggling on the couch watching a movie
It's no doubt I want you
Yet, I lie to myself and say 'at least he's being a gentleman about it'
But no matter how many paid dinners for you to see the artisan in act, it will never pay for the amount of love I have for you
So here I am, type type typing the words into the lonely phone awaiting a simplistic three letter message saying 'hey'
Three
simple
letters
would make my heart grow
three
times
fonder"

written November 5, 2014

"I get jealous of your ex lovers
But, I have to remember X is just a number
You see, in math that's all we do
We factor out every situation until we find the solution -
X

But, just like the fed up kid in the back row who screams out, 'Miss, when are we going to use this in real life?!' and she stutters on an answer
X is just a number, not an answer to your solutions

I keep thinking about her face on your woman crush Wednesday
How am I so crushed knowing she once was the apple of your eye when I don't even know the girl?
Much less, know you..

Met on an app called Tinder
Yet you hinder the strings pull me in so tightly with your sweet and kind demeanor
It's not right of me to be jealous - when you give me all of your attention

I need to be grateful
For I am the one you're up all night texting
And the one who's on your mind when you fall into your lonely bed at night
And she's just a forgotten face remaining on your Instagram page"

written October 8, 2014

"But what are you supposed to do when you fall in love with someone who's already in love with someone else?

My anxiety rose as the thought of you coming inside approached me, ripped my breath out from under my lungs and had me scared to pieces
all to be in your presence

You're too sweet to me and it's leading me on but it's not the same as it once was, you see, i'm single and you have a girlfriend of eight months
I can't believe the predicament I'm in
I can't stand myself for falling for every guy who shows me attention but you, you were something special
Not one guy I know treated me the way you treated me
With so much love and care
I just can't wrap my head around it
Why I seem to still be in love with you
but I know that ship has sailed and it was a missed opportunity that I will always regret
And I'm so sorry for choosing him over you"

written May 18, 2014

"Maybe if you used protection then you wouldn't have me
I'm sick and tired of feeling like I'm the reason you're unhappy
Every time you say 'you need a job' or 'I can't wait till you're out of high school'
All of that translates into my head 'I can't wait to live a life without you'
Maybe if you used protection this wouldn't be a problem
All these ******* complaints you have, all of them solvable
Because half the time you're *******, it's over the flaws I have made
Yet you never ******* appreciate the goodness I have portrayed
I'm sick and tired of feeling like I'm inferior in your life
Maybe if you used protection, I wouldn't be up writing this late at night
I'm so over the ******* and yelling and complaints
Maybe if you used protection, I wouldn't be your lives constraint
And I'm sick and tired of feeling unloved and unwanted
Because every time you say 'goodnight' I end up feeling daunted
In fear, I move very slow in hope that I won't wake you
Because everyone knows if that were to happen, all hell would break loose
And I'm sick and tired of feeling like I'm the reason you're unhappy
Maybe if you used protection then you wouldn't have me"

written March 19, 2015

"who said people can't be poisonous?
because the thought of you is taking over my body
i'm ill, dizzy, unable to think straight
and you're just the catalyst to the fire setting off inside of me
slowly deteriorating like a wave crashing against rocks
but my stance isn't so strong
now that you're gone
slowly, i slip
into the deep sea
drowning in your memory and full of everything we used to be

who said people can't be poisonous?
because i sure feel infected
nothing but you on my mind
nauseous over the broken promises you once said you'd never turn on
but now all you're turning on is the anxiety and depression inside of me
this black spot within, i once repressed
is now back and spreading like fire lit to forest green
because you are poisonous
yet
you are also my remedy"

written September 10, 2014

"All these old folk sippin on their coffee complaining about drug dealing, I wonder how they'd be feeling
If they knew what they were drinking was a drug
And all this talk about blacks vs whites
One man claims 'oh I'm not racist' but holds his views tight
About straight marriage
Claiming homosexuality is okay but if you're gay to stay away because he doesn't want you lifestyle publicly portrayed
They complain about the gays but also don't know that their daughter once went in a room with another girl and had her way
Straight, gay, lesbian - it's all the same
People complain about them all as if stating your opinion is going to stick out from another's
And how about this talk on teen mothers?
Complaining how abortion should be illegal yet she doesn't even know the other?
Are you expecting a child who has dreams and hope
To give up and raise a child because their daddy was addicted to dope?
Nope.
Your attitude on abortion is absurd
Have you heard - that it's not qualified as ******?
Or are you going to be close minded and let the girl suffer from her one mistake?
It's time to awake
And think about what decisions we really need to make
Like stricter security in schools, so they can't keep getting shot up by fools
And dealing with the homeless
I'm sure they would be blessed
It's time for people to understand priorities
And realize 'two men's love does not affect me'
All these old folk need to mind their own **** business
And let the new generation take over"

written September 24, 2014

"I'm not going to tweet and blog about how much I miss you
I'm not going to give u the satisfaction of exactly what I want to do
Yes, last night brought back memories
All the memories and feelings we once forgot
But if there's one thing that last night taught
Was that I cannot be with one who once made me distraught Conversations flicked off our tongues, we were conversing like we used to do
Nostalgia and old feelings filled my whole being, I really do miss you
But I will not go texting you telling you so
For I have grown smart enough to know
That would only be detrimental to myself
And for my health,

I mustn't give you the satisfaction of knowing that you still have strings tied around my heart
With every flick of the wrist - left right left right
My heart beats
Like a puppet on strings, you control my whole being
And like a fish on a rail, you know you have the ability to real me in at any time you desire
After all, my first time being caught was by you
You're an idiot in disguise, but why do I still fall for you when you look me in the eyes?
It's not right
For one to have the power while the other kneels at their throne begging for forgiveness"

written March 23rd, 2016

"Stuck in a rotating box

Tick-tock

Spinning in circles round and round until the world crashes

Beneath my fingertips

Nothing is ethereal

Everything is made up of verbal conversations that have no meaning, no depth, no perception

No emotion is portrayed but the silent howl I hold within

The silent anger and frustration that boils beneath my skin

Cranking up the heat until I explode - how will I overcome this feeling of suffocation and get to a point where I feel

Free?"

written February 2, 2014

"Now I lay me down to sleep,
My eyes are filled, these tears I weep
His love I wish wouldn't fade
And would wish me 'good morning' the next day

Now I lay me down to sleep,
My eyes still cry, for you I weep
Your false assumptions and miscommunication I lack
Where did you go? I want the old you back
This came out of nowhere - what the hell did I do?
Just two weeks ago you claimed 'I love you'

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
If I should die before I wake
It's because you made my kind heart ache
With your unexpected desire
to be with someone other than me
I hope you remember,
when you visit me

Now I lay me down to sleep,
In my coffin down underneath
Now I'm saved, from the misery and pain
And I hope you know you're the one to blame"

written October 16th, 2016

"I hate their way of living

There's a bowl on the floor

There's ash covering the counter tops so I'm moving next door

I'm tired of the noise, the dumbfound statements, and the fights

I'm tired of hearing *** for 2 hours every night

I hate how selfish they've become, taking advantage of others

Getting money from their parents yet refusing to speak to their mother

So goodbye to this hell hole, I will miss very little

I hope you all enjoyed my stupid mockery of Paul's 'riddles' "

written February 16th, 2016

"Desperation for a change

Undeniable want for something better

I am undoubtedly obsessed with my imperfections

Leading me downward to a new form of insecurity

Feeling uneducated, unwilling, and intolerant with every day that passes

Days go by fast yet no progress is made

Just the same repetitive process, the same redundant schedule that repeats itself into insanity

How do I change into who I inspire to be?"

written July 18th, 2016

"Thank you for letting me stare into your eyes, without asking why

Grabbing my hand, holding it tight and kissing it while you drive

Thank you for all the memories we have shared,

Running your fingers through my hair, petting my kitty when he's scared and being there for me at all times

Thank you for smiling when telling me "you're mine"

And being the only thing one thing on my mind at all times

Thank you for impacting my life in such a way that makes me sappy when I say the words:

I love you"

written August 30th, 2016

"I usually can't stand sleeping in warmth

I tear off all my sheets, tossing and turning in my bare skin, flipping the pillow from one side to the other

Back and forth

The fan is on high yet my skin is containing heat, causing my nights well rested to not be achieved

Yet, the nights you chose to end your day by my side, this is simply not the same

I wrap my arms around your waist, body to body, heat to heat we drive each others temperatures higher

I could sleep all night long in these conditions, if it meant I could intertwine your fingers with mine, kiss your lips and say goodnight, close my eyes to match the dark room,
if only it meant I could wake up next to you"

written  November 15th, 2016

"Sometimes I envy those who lie vacant in space, composed of Stardust, creating energies so naturally and effortlessly

Sometimes I envy the amount of beauty they shed on to this earth

Sometimes I envy them - because they knew their potential was to be used outside of what lies before our blinded eyes

And they knew that what they once saw, adjacent to our own vision - wasn't good enough

Sometimes I envy the quick and easy relief they felt

When they overflowed their lungs with water, took a metal handle to their head, or sat in their car for one last nap

Closed their eyes, inhaled, and accepted that they were too great for this world to handle

Sometimes I envy that they no longer feel the stress of societies standards

Sometimes I wish I had the confidence to do as they had done to themselves

And sometimes I wish I also slipped away into the vast abyss"

written December 9, 2015

"You're like super glue on my heart
I can't stand you and I apart
You mean more to me than you will ever know
And all I can do is attempt to show you
The imprints you leave on my heart, like a pillow that indents slow and smooth
The things you say, the things you do
I really can't get enough of you
Stuck in love they may say, but I'm stuck on you day to day
You never leave my mind, that's a fact
Please don't leave, please come back
You mean the world to me, and I need you to know
You're the best thing that's happened to me
and I love you so"

written March 31, 2015

"Have you ever cried every day for two weeks straight?
I have
And although the tears were sporadic
My breaths were heavy and I had outbursts
These tears i'm experiencing, two weeks later
are hurting much much more
I'm not biting my tongue to hide my sobs
or crying into the pillow, late at night
Rather feelings the burn as each tear slowly runs down my cheeks
Every tear falls with a memory of you
and my heart is heavy tonight
I feel as if I'm suffocating
Because my heart and my head are in a rebuttal
Wishing two things upon myself
and I don't know where to go
I just want to stay still and do nothing for the rest of eternity
Who knew decisions could be this ******* someone
And why is it that the one who hurts you and treats you poorly
is the one you set your sights on
and want the most"