written June 16, 2014

"Guilt thrives beneath my skin
As I think within
Of my unbearable sin
I can't believe I attended this journey I'm in
How long has it been?
Since I've been drinking gin?
And of course, many other liquors
Beer seems to be my chosen fate
But how funny is it that I relate
To my alcoholic family trait
Thought it was all so great
But now I'm stumbling and can't even walk straight
And of course, think straight too
I chug this brew
As I am winning this game for us two
But us two are just a few individuals who
Can chug 4 beers and not be through
And of course, this is high school
But why are we feeling so cool as we fill our bodies with liquors and fuel
That is nothing but hurting our bodies,
It's cruel
Or maybe it's not about being cool.
But about not being over ruled or ridiculed for the way that we are
Of course,
These are just one girls thoughts
As she sits at the bar, distraught
And this is the of course source
of all teenage discourse"

written November 26, 2014

"You have an impact on me like no other
A simple sentence sent over the phone is powerful enough to react feelings of overwhelming joy and love inside of me
Melting away my soul, leaving butterflies in my stomach and making me wish I was with you more than I ever have wanted"

written April 22, 2013

"The blade shines with a welcoming smile
Greeting the flesh it hasn't seen in awhile
Old friends they were, they used to speak
About all of their problems and how they turned out so weak
While the blood rushed so did their tears
Then they drifted, for about a year
Then reunited like they never left each other
And talked about stress, boy problems, and mothers
But the conversation that triggered the first bit of tears
is the silent cry flesh holds - that no one seems to hear
She's lonely she explains
As the blade listens dearly
Then drives into the skin
Leaving a mark so clearly
They begin a relationship, the flesh and the blade
Unspeakable to others, one they both made
And when they separate, oh that won't be the end
For they have something stronger, they are old friends
So 'goodbye for now,'
Says the blade to the skin
'Don't let it be too long, till I see you again'"

written June 25, 2013

"The Helpless

She is a broken vase that was knocked over and dusted aside for no one to see
Pieces shattered and left to slowly gather dust year after year
She is the piece of glass that he would step on occasionally, a reminder of his mistakes and how he just brushed her aside like it didnt happen
And that pain he felt  in his foot he also feel deep in his heart as he reminisces that feeling of love he once felt
He  used to hold that vase so dearly, and delicately never wanting to let it break
But - it did

And as soon as it broke he made her believe like she was worthless
That truth emerged when months later she was replaced by a mug much more antique which lasted about a year

And the day finally came when she was thrown away
And the vase was happy once again
Until...

She is a brand new wine glass,
Beautiful and young
In bewilderment on how this all came to be
The broken  watches daily, as he loves this glass  just the way he used to love her

And she sits there, helpless for there's nothing she's can do about it

She's just an old forgotten broken vase
Dusted aside to make room for something better

The Powerful

She was a great and beautiful vase
That held the flowers I meant to give to her
But we couldn't be together, and that tore me apart
As the flowers withered, my love only grew stronger
Upset, I threw the vase on the floor
And cried as I brushed away the evidence

A few months later, school was starting up and it was time to move on with my life
I still think about her time to time, as I step on that broken glass piece that I must have missed..it really reminds me of how much I loved her

Now addicted to caffeine, I bought a cheap antique mug
It's beautiful and presses so gently to my lips every morning and night

It's been a year, and the mug didn't seem to capture my attention the way it used to so I threw it away
I will miss it, but I'm not much for coffee after all

Today I brought home a brand new wine glass
It's tall and beautiful and is anything an alcoholic could ever ask for
It feels right in my hand and helps so dearly with the lonely nights
When I am thinking of the past
And glance over at the broken glass
From the vase I once loved
That is now dusted aside for no one to see"

Written July 7, 2015

"10:30 the girl wakes up
11:00 the girl eats breakfast. She's contentious of what she eats for she doesn't want to upset you
Noon, she begins to clean, for she wants her interior to exploit a sense of cleanliness and organization, she does not want you to think low of her
12:30 she begins to hold a iron to her hair, puts on her black eyeliner and begins to shade in all her imperfections
She picks out matching underwear and bra to impress you
She puts on those long socks you like hoping you'll see deeper into the satisfaction she will bestow on you and for you to see deeper into her soul than the depth your **** will fill
1pm the girl gets anxious and self conscious, brushing her teeth every 5 minutes she is scared you're going to be scared off by the smells and odors her natural body gives
1:30 still nothing, as she lays on her bed trying to pass time and calm her nerves. Why is she nervous?? She's done this plenty of times she's had guys come in and out of her life she's had hands rub up her legs and eyes gazing at her chest, she's done this before - with him! She's gone down on her knees begging he will enjoy what she's giving, but maybe, she's begging for a different feeling..one he already denied her of receiving
2:00 the girl is antsy, eyes flickering on and off her blank screen awaiting a text to show up saying "I'm on my way" they now only have 3 hours of intimacy
3:00 her stomach rumbles. She's afraid if she eats she will look fat but if she refuses her stomach will rumble in his presence
Her mind is racing as time ticks on
Do not tell me that a guys puts in more effort
For this girl stayed up late painting her nails deep red hoping you'd think that's **** she sat there cleaning the edges trying to make sure that you could not see the imperfections she originally made
But, that's all this morning has been about..hasn't it?"

Written September 29, 2015
"She reeks of cigarettes and ***
Her mind is consumed by how the last 3 hours even came to be what they were
You see no two friends can have *** without one falling for another..
And the chosen one in this scenario was her
She always thought he was something
The way his eyes lit up when he smiled at her jokes, the ease he had when he held his cigarette in his hand
And the way he talked about her
Jokes and flirtation hung in the clouds above them, circulating around and each time like lightening the question struck her
"Is he serious?"
Nothing quite stirred the storm like the first night they ******
You see two friends aren't meant to casually hook up
The way he kissed her lips the way he dug his hand so deeply and so passionately behind her back holding a grip on her like he was never going to let go
And the deep conversations that followed made her all the more comfortable around him
Yet, one child should not fall for another
So she leaves, reflecting back realizing it was one of the best nights she's ever had
Yet two friends shouldn't hook up
And she's in denial that this will continue and she soon will further gain her feelings
For him"

Written January 2, 2016

"1 hour
30 min
10 min
5 min
Arrived, with a pleasant surprise of him busting open my drivers side door to kiss me
Filled with excitement and anticipation, I could see he was too, which made him all the more appealing to me
As I lit the fire to the green he went on to say how hot I was, making me blush and reconsider how stressed I was about looking good for him
Time for our Christmas, it was quite sweet how we both ended up giving each other records
The light in his eyes and his sudden interest that spanned from me to this present I got him was beautiful
He scanned through the 72 page script and smiled
I always love seeing someone's passions emerge
We kissed and kissed and kissed and then
Slept
1 hour
30 min
10 min
5 min
Awake
Onto another adventure
We drove, somewhat silent due to the fact we were both still groggy
Spent the afternoon in downtown, observing the contemporary architecture and waterfront
Admiring him often, thinking "how the hell did I land someone this cute"
Then we ended up seaside as the sun  set
People watching, laughing, and photographs
Yet, one picture that can't seem to escape my mind is how happy I felt seeing him gazing at the water, looking me in the eyes, and his cheeky smile
So surreal
I swear I could've stared at him for hours
Then, a movie
Feeling insecure and unwanted, he changed those feelings by grabbing my hand tight rubbing his finger up and down my hand
1 hour
I felt the dopamine receptors opening up to gain their prize
30 min
His hands rubbing up my leg, the prize was his affection
10 min
Exhaustion hit me, I just wanted to fall asleep on his chest and never leave
5 min
Thinking about how my time with him was almost
Over
And it was time to say goodbye, for we wouldn't see one another for at least another week
We talked to fill the void, spoke of future plans, meeting parents, and rooftops
Then,
The kisses we shared were so passionate and intense, I couldn't think of anything else in that moment then the thought of how beyond happy this boy makes me
A small wave goodbye and I was off
1 hour
30 min
10 min
5 min
Home and lonely, mind stuck on
Him"

written March 9, 2015

"Hiding the sound of my tears dripping down
with the rushing water flowing from the shower head
I don't understand what is up with my head
Went to bed at 7:30, highly unlikely of me
I just couldn't deal with all this built up pain and anxiety
It got the best of me
And now I sit here, naked on the bathroom floor,
wondering why I am the way I am
Because something so simple, something so small, shouldn't affect me the way it is
It's took a toll on me like no other
That is what I get
for being and unconditional lover"

written March 4, 2013

"You may have jumped the gun
And I may have held on to the trigger
The feelings they bare for you
For me were so much bigger
'I love you' meant to you some meaning
For me I felt like I was dreaming
But then my delay became intervening
And the words became more and more demeaning
It sounded so real coming from your tongue
Yet scared me to pieces, we were so young
Aloud, I never said these three
Until the last day we ever speak
On the phone I did say,
I didn't want us to be this way
Through the weeping tears I shed
'I love you' were the words I said
And then you ended with a 'goodbye'
Just like I did, the first night you tried"

written March 9, 2015

"There is war raging inside my mind
I'm not fine
Need someone to help pull out, analyze, and perceive these feelings I'm feeling
deep down inside
And I'm trying
To cope with my sporadic brain
Please don't avoid me today
and everyday
Because it feels as if you're slipping away
and I cant handle this pain
I know you love me, I can feel it deep inside
But the feeling of overwhelming anxiety is higher
Has me contemplating, thinking that you may be a liar
And I'm tired
of my mind playing these stupid on and off games
Not knowing which direction my mind is aimed
So I take every day, as it comes and goes
Trying to embrace those harsh and lonely "lows"
Hoping for the best, I'm not doing so well
I didn't know loving someone causes your world to turn to hell"

written July 10, 2013

"Your eyes were black
Not the like the pavement we used to walk along during the day hand in hand
Or the night sky that was above us as we kissed under the stars
But like the liquid pouring from the coffee ***
Warm and content
Your smile was deathly
Not like the crash we saw on the highway as we were driving home from a movie
Or the raccoon we saw lying on the side of the street
But like my cat who died in her sleep
Warm and content
Your love was overwhelming
Not like the anxiety attack I had when I lost my keys in the park
Or when we couldn't find parking at the parade
But like the excitement on your face when I gave you your present for your birthday
Warm and content
Now when you left, I was devastated
Not like the feelings you felt when you were told the unfortunate news that your aunt had passed
Or like the times you got bullied growing up
But as if you physically yanked me out of your life
Like your heart was a trap door you were trying to hold shut
And three years later, nothing's changed
These letters I reread are worse than any death because each time I read the lines you once wrote
I die over and over again for your love
How are you supposed to stay strong and stand tall when you've already fallen?
Like a back brace, you held me up
You kept every little piece of me together so I wouldn't break and fall apart but when you left
It's as if the Velcro lost its stick
And I slowly started feeling the pain in my back
Slouching and trying to catch my breath for my heart was taken away
Just like my breath was, the first time I met you
Warm and content"

written February 16th, 2016

"Time is not a measure of progression nor a measure of defeat

Time is surreal

It is the absence of our mind in time that we don't find till later on in our lives

It's the 'looking back' of memories that are branded into our minds as nothing but

It's the past in which we will never get back

Time is not a measure of a moment for it is the measure of the feelings we once felt over a specific amount of

Time

It's irrelevant and key in every day life

It's the absolute yet the inferior

It's essential yet oblique

Time is everything

Time is nothing

Time is eternal

Yet only exists within ones own mind"

written February 15, 2015

"The feeling of him leaving scratch marks down my back
doesn't add up to the feelings I get when you rub it
And the feeling of him biting at my lips
cannot compare to the sweet kisses you place upon them

I was wrong to do such a horrible thing
You don't deserve my disloyalty

In a way it was an awakening for me
Because it reminded me how hard life would be
If you were not with me

Rough *** is great from time to time
but all I really want is someone to hold me tight
and tell me they love me
You're the perfect bachelor for that

Our sloppy drunk kisses meant nothing to me
It was temporary

And I'd rather have sober pecks
then a long drunk mistake anyway"