written January 3rd, 2017

"Hypocracies flood my mind, time after time

I'm not fine, I'm lying when I say these things in my mind are just all composed of rhymes and lullabies

To get me by

Time flies, yet compositions on white boards and ideas of how I want to be are at an intertwine

Inside - it's one thing

On the outside - I can't compromise"

written November 27th, 2016

"Minds wandering across laterals

Collaterals

Intangible thoughts of processes

I am overwhelmed

I can't think of these impossibles, imaginable

And I gotta say

I feel pretty ******

Creativity crosses my mind as minds shout their processes

Time is running out

We must act smart

We must act fast"

written  November 15th, 2016

"Sometimes I envy those who lie vacant in space, composed of Stardust, creating energies so naturally and effortlessly

Sometimes I envy the amount of beauty they shed on to this earth

Sometimes I envy them - because they knew their potential was to be used outside of what lies before our blinded eyes

And they knew that what they once saw, adjacent to our own vision - wasn't good enough

Sometimes I envy the quick and easy relief they felt

When they overflowed their lungs with water, took a metal handle to their head, or sat in their car for one last nap

Closed their eyes, inhaled, and accepted that they were too great for this world to handle

Sometimes I envy that they no longer feel the stress of societies standards

Sometimes I wish I had the confidence to do as they had done to themselves

And sometimes I wish I also slipped away into the vast abyss"

written November 15th, 2016

"Some say your favorite color sneaks up on you

A repetitive slate that shows itself time and time again

Some say depression does the same

One day - you're feeling alright, the next you're dwelled in this feeling of desire

Desire for the sweet kiss of death to lay its lips upon your cheek

Affection always was highly underrated

And so you lie there - body aching, trying not to throw up, tired of your time, life, dignity

And you wander where all this time has gone and how you ended up here

Yet if one thing is for sure,

You're content in the pitch black nothingness that surrounds you,

Black is a new favorite"

written November 7th, 2016

" All we are is minds bouncing ideas off each other's tongues,

tying together words and knotting the ends of each sentence with and emotional appeal

It's not all ethos pathos logos my friends

Tongues conversing, starting up the engine until you switch gears to  cruise along, floating while speaking your deepest thoughts

It's hard to get your brain to say the right words to emulate how you feel

Constantly trying your hardest to get your points across,

Knowledge is just an essence of this notion

And experience is just an additional charge

Metaphors are meaningless when you are lonely and scared

And I just want to continue to flick my tongue in order for you to feel my pain"

written October 16th, 2016

"I hate their way of living

There's a bowl on the floor

There's ash covering the counter tops so I'm moving next door

I'm tired of the noise, the dumbfound statements, and the fights

I'm tired of hearing *** for 2 hours every night

I hate how selfish they've become, taking advantage of others

Getting money from their parents yet refusing to speak to their mother

So goodbye to this hell hole, I will miss very little

I hope you all enjoyed my stupid mockery of Paul's 'riddles' "

written October 13th, 2016

"Inhale

Sip

Close your eyes and embrace this

Float along, like sprawled out wings overhead

Slowly moving, back and forth

It's time now

Hold my hand

And I will take you to a land that you have never imagined

Awe at the black night sky above

The infinite possibilities and star lit path to

A universe we will never know

But look deep into my eyes, and I promise

I can show you something you have always wanted

Pour your passions into a jar, we will put it on our kitchen shelf

And you

You, my love

Can grow with me

In a universe of us"

written August 30th, 2016

"I usually can't stand sleeping in warmth

I tear off all my sheets, tossing and turning in my bare skin, flipping the pillow from one side to the other

Back and forth

The fan is on high yet my skin is containing heat, causing my nights well rested to not be achieved

Yet, the nights you chose to end your day by my side, this is simply not the same

I wrap my arms around your waist, body to body, heat to heat we drive each others temperatures higher

I could sleep all night long in these conditions, if it meant I could intertwine your fingers with mine, kiss your lips and say goodnight, close my eyes to match the dark room,
if only it meant I could wake up next to you"

written August 28th, 2016

"Numb to the illusion that past feelings are not present

Numb to the inevitable, reserved, and repressed thoughts that are now coming to the surface

Numb to the cold salty water drops that are making a daily appearance

Numb to the fact that I'm blind that we are not the same

I feel so numb, when I hear your name

Heart starts racing, mind moves at millions

I can not fathom the 'what ifs' and 'whys'  yet they're all that crosses through my mind

I need someone to thaw me out

I need the old you back, to make me feel warm again"

written August 23rd, 2016

"In the midst of the night, through groggy eyes, she slips her hand through the inviting slits of his

She grips tightly, trying to make body language say the words she was too tired to say

Half asleep, she smiles for this is the first in nights that she's woken up to him by her side

Even with her feeble, tired mind,

she never get tired of him"

written July 18th, 2016

"Thank you for letting me stare into your eyes, without asking why

Grabbing my hand, holding it tight and kissing it while you drive

Thank you for all the memories we have shared,

Running your fingers through my hair, petting my kitty when he's scared and being there for me at all times

Thank you for smiling when telling me "you're mine"

And being the only thing one thing on my mind at all times

Thank you for impacting my life in such a way that makes me sappy when I say the words:

I love you"

written July 9th, 2016

"Familiarity lingers within the silence

A quiet little remembrance of the past I once knew

All alone - yet content

For once, this feeling I feel is no longer surrounded by repetition and tension

Now, I breathe in deep and read the screen through groggy eyes with dark circles and feel so very much blessed with all I have

The silence is no longer uncomfortable

I am basking in its infinite nothingness"

written May 31st, 2016

"And then it hit me

The avoidable thoughts that thrashed through my mind were unbearable

The idea of a life with the absence of you in it

And the idea of a mind like yours not sharing it's complex and vivid thoughts day by day with mine cause me sorrow and confusion

You are my ray of light

You are my rock

and ultimately, you are the reason my heart jumps out of its chest

my irises grow when I set sights on your face

my smile is shown day by day and my laughter is brought on by you

I cannot complete a thought without the idea of you passing through my mind

And then it hit me,

I'm in love with you"

written March 23rd, 2016

"Stuck in a rotating box

Tick-tock

Spinning in circles round and round until the world crashes

Beneath my fingertips

Nothing is ethereal

Everything is made up of verbal conversations that have no meaning, no depth, no perception

No emotion is portrayed but the silent howl I hold within

The silent anger and frustration that boils beneath my skin

Cranking up the heat until I explode - how will I overcome this feeling of suffocation and get to a point where I feel

Free?"

written February 21st, 2016

"Undoubtedly

Irrevocably

Engrossingly

Infatuated with one

Who makes the feelings stick on my tongue

My mind is racing when I'm with him, have so much to say but can't even begin

To describe the way his eyes look when he stares at me, the fact that every time he smiles or laughs I feel my heart beating faster, the way that his skin in contact with mine feels like atoms colliding and

I can't deny anything for I am merely but a speck compared to his obtuse proximity to perfection

As time moves on, the essence of his being creates a heavy heart that grows fond with his simultaneous attention and affection

Without him,

The sky would not be blue, the grass not green nor anything learned applicable

Without him,

Life would make no sense"

written February 16th, 2016

"Time is not a measure of progression nor a measure of defeat

Time is surreal

It is the absence of our mind in time that we don't find till later on in our lives

It's the 'looking back' of memories that are branded into our minds as nothing but

It's the past in which we will never get back

Time is not a measure of a moment for it is the measure of the feelings we once felt over a specific amount of

Time

It's irrelevant and key in every day life

It's the absolute yet the inferior

It's essential yet oblique

Time is everything

Time is nothing

Time is eternal

Yet only exists within ones own mind"

written February 16th, 2016

"Desperation for a change

Undeniable want for something better

I am undoubtedly obsessed with my imperfections

Leading me downward to a new form of insecurity

Feeling uneducated, unwilling, and intolerant with every day that passes

Days go by fast yet no progress is made

Just the same repetitive process, the same redundant schedule that repeats itself into insanity

How do I change into who I inspire to be?"

written February 15th, 2016

"Everything is progressing and moving at a million seconds per minute

Yet I

I am at a stand still

Science proves that when something is sped up to unreal measures, it eventually disappears

My mind is on an oasis with no direction

I don't know who I am anymore

Why does everything seem so unreal now?"

written January 10th, 2016

"Eyes diluted, staring into yours - red and glossy

Blood has turned to distilled grapes, and I taste the sin on my tongue

You feel up and down my spine causing little explosions to erupt inside my body

Inside every ligament and muscle

The shivers flow through my veins and I feel as if the world has stopped

For once, I'm content in everything that is occurring

Nothing has made me feel as high as the feeling of your touch"

Written January 2, 2016

"1 hour
30 min
10 min
5 min
Arrived, with a pleasant surprise of him busting open my drivers side door to kiss me
Filled with excitement and anticipation, I could see he was too, which made him all the more appealing to me
As I lit the fire to the green he went on to say how hot I was, making me blush and reconsider how stressed I was about looking good for him
Time for our Christmas, it was quite sweet how we both ended up giving each other records
The light in his eyes and his sudden interest that spanned from me to this present I got him was beautiful
He scanned through the 72 page script and smiled
I always love seeing someone's passions emerge
We kissed and kissed and kissed and then
Slept
1 hour
30 min
10 min
5 min
Awake
Onto another adventure
We drove, somewhat silent due to the fact we were both still groggy
Spent the afternoon in downtown, observing the contemporary architecture and waterfront
Admiring him often, thinking "how the hell did I land someone this cute"
Then we ended up seaside as the sun  set
People watching, laughing, and photographs
Yet, one picture that can't seem to escape my mind is how happy I felt seeing him gazing at the water, looking me in the eyes, and his cheeky smile
So surreal
I swear I could've stared at him for hours
Then, a movie
Feeling insecure and unwanted, he changed those feelings by grabbing my hand tight rubbing his finger up and down my hand
1 hour
I felt the dopamine receptors opening up to gain their prize
30 min
His hands rubbing up my leg, the prize was his affection
10 min
Exhaustion hit me, I just wanted to fall asleep on his chest and never leave
5 min
Thinking about how my time with him was almost
Over
And it was time to say goodbye, for we wouldn't see one another for at least another week
We talked to fill the void, spoke of future plans, meeting parents, and rooftops
Then,
The kisses we shared were so passionate and intense, I couldn't think of anything else in that moment then the thought of how beyond happy this boy makes me
A small wave goodbye and I was off
1 hour
30 min
10 min
5 min
Home and lonely, mind stuck on
Him"

Written December 26, 2015

"His face
The little freckles scattered aimlessly, the way his eyes look as they gaze into mine, the way his cheeks get rosy, and the way his lips curl over his teeth as he smiles and proceeds to talk with -
That voice
Slightly slurred in a beautiful way
It's deep and low which makes it all the more appealing
His touch
The feeling of him caressing my head as he inhales my kiss deeply
Face to face we fall into a universe of our own, one unattainable to others
The feelings run up and down my spine as the two of us get more passionate with one another
Him
So sweet with his words, he makes me feel on top of the world and has made me smile every day since the day they met
So smart
Words on paper flow into a story from creativity that enhances my understanding for him as an artist, an individual, a person
Deep with his perspectives
Always identifying how different we truly are from everyone else
And now,
weeks without face-to-face contact,
I miss
Him
Deeply"

Written December 1, 2015

"I feel like I'm having the same conversation with guys
Hi's turn into Bye's
lies in turn make me cry
How am I supposed to summarize all of this into one line?
I'm trying.
'Babe' and "Baby, you're the one'
But have you heard, that one means none when you're blind sided and reminded that there is other's who you'd rather be with?
And you realize, your words are myths, spitting out the syllables you just want me to hear
Pet names are  nothing but music to our ears
The day-to-day conversations from dawn to dusk are intriguing
But when you really look deeply, they're just words with no meaning
A lonely tactic, a feen for something more
Until the conversation closes, for I was a bore
From here it's the same love story, the way it always tends to end
I'll get the last word, press send, and then pretend as if your lack of response doesn't hurt me,
although it's killing me inside
Then I wish upon 11:11 for you to at least come to a compromise
You'll come around the bend again, and I'll try and act strong
But strong just isn't strong enough, I've missed you way too long
The story then repeats itself, a fairy tale no one enjoys
Welcome to your 'happily ever after'
when talking to a **** boy."

Written September 28, 2015

"Behind these walls,
A girl lays crying
Behind closed doors,
She lets her sorrows pour out into the covers and pillow slips
She puts a pillow to her lips and let's out a deep sigh
Wipes her nose on the covers
For she doesn't want anyone to hear her cries
Behind closed doors
She lies awake thinking about why she is this way
Anxieties bounce around her mind like kids on trampolines
Up and down, running around, making  ruckus and lots of sound
To the point where she can't hear anything, but them
'Why won't he text you back?'
'What's wrong with you?'
'Why are you not happy?'
'What's the ******* point?'
Screaming to her like she has a loss of hearing
But trust me, she can hear them just fine
As she tries to block out the noise, they only crescendo into harmonies and off set tones
symphony of sadness is now the soundtrack to her life
And although shes cried 7 times today, I guess that wasn't enough
I suppose you could say her life is getting rough
Behind closed doors,
She lets the tears fall like a running faucet
Behind these walls,
She feels lonely and looks to her comforter for comfort
And behind her deceiving smile,
She is broken"

Written September 27, 2015

"My day to day affiliations
Contain online conversations
Distractions, from face to face complications
And changes
I feel alone yet suffocated at the same time
You see, every time I think about it, it gets me crying
Because I am not meant to feel this way
Having to ask every time I leave "mother may
I" can't believe this predicament I am in
Feeling like I'm a child, no chances to explore the world I am within
But I am lonely
I am so ******* lonely
And I can't do anything but feel these feelings that I have you see, I can't seem to get things off my chest and even when I'm filled up like a balloon ready to burst, no one is there to tie me down
No one is there to listen to my problems and help me reflate the positivity within my mind
Except I
And let me tell you, a negative axis  leads downward ***** and I for one am halfway there
I am sailing away from myself into the waters with no light
I find myself breaking day after day, and one day that boat is going to tip, all the water will sink in and I will not be the same
Traumatized, lies, cries, goodbyes
They haunt me in my sleep
How am I supposed to give into someone's love anymore after all the times I opened up my heart and it was crushed?
Trust is no friend of mine
For all those I thought were reliable, turned to my bad side
So I sit on the floor and cry about another day
And I wonder if there's any way
To make this all go away"

Written September 29, 2015
"She reeks of cigarettes and ***
Her mind is consumed by how the last 3 hours even came to be what they were
You see no two friends can have *** without one falling for another..
And the chosen one in this scenario was her
She always thought he was something
The way his eyes lit up when he smiled at her jokes, the ease he had when he held his cigarette in his hand
And the way he talked about her
Jokes and flirtation hung in the clouds above them, circulating around and each time like lightening the question struck her
"Is he serious?"
Nothing quite stirred the storm like the first night they ******
You see two friends aren't meant to casually hook up
The way he kissed her lips the way he dug his hand so deeply and so passionately behind her back holding a grip on her like he was never going to let go
And the deep conversations that followed made her all the more comfortable around him
Yet, one child should not fall for another
So she leaves, reflecting back realizing it was one of the best nights she's ever had
Yet two friends shouldn't hook up
And she's in denial that this will continue and she soon will further gain her feelings
For him"

Written August 13, 2015
"I am trapped inside a black box
Four walls consume me and I can't comprehend how the locks work
I am too far down to even reach the key
And these black walls that are towering over me are deep and scary
Yet I am comforted by them in so many ways
For these are the walls that are familiar to me
It feels like I am running in a never ending race, the gun continuously fires as I keep going losing my breath and wanting so badly to be done
But it keeps chasing me down like a bad dream coming back
I can't escape this pain.
I cannot escape this mix between reality and anxiety
Depression stands for many things but one thing they don't teach you in school
One thing mothers don't teach their kids
One thing boys aren't told by their dads is how to treat a girl right
How not to spend one night with her and tell her everything is alright when it's not
The ABCs are more complex then you think
*******
Betrayal
Cause of
Depression.
these black walls seem to be inching closer in getting smaller and making me become more at home
What would happen if I tried to harm myself?
Who would care?"

Written July 7, 2015

"10:30 the girl wakes up
11:00 the girl eats breakfast. She's contentious of what she eats for she doesn't want to upset you
Noon, she begins to clean, for she wants her interior to exploit a sense of cleanliness and organization, she does not want you to think low of her
12:30 she begins to hold a iron to her hair, puts on her black eyeliner and begins to shade in all her imperfections
She picks out matching underwear and bra to impress you
She puts on those long socks you like hoping you'll see deeper into the satisfaction she will bestow on you and for you to see deeper into her soul than the depth your **** will fill
1pm the girl gets anxious and self conscious, brushing her teeth every 5 minutes she is scared you're going to be scared off by the smells and odors her natural body gives
1:30 still nothing, as she lays on her bed trying to pass time and calm her nerves. Why is she nervous?? She's done this plenty of times she's had guys come in and out of her life she's had hands rub up her legs and eyes gazing at her chest, she's done this before - with him! She's gone down on her knees begging he will enjoy what she's giving, but maybe, she's begging for a different feeling..one he already denied her of receiving
2:00 the girl is antsy, eyes flickering on and off her blank screen awaiting a text to show up saying "I'm on my way" they now only have 3 hours of intimacy
3:00 her stomach rumbles. She's afraid if she eats she will look fat but if she refuses her stomach will rumble in his presence
Her mind is racing as time ticks on
Do not tell me that a guys puts in more effort
For this girl stayed up late painting her nails deep red hoping you'd think that's **** she sat there cleaning the edges trying to make sure that you could not see the imperfections she originally made
But, that's all this morning has been about..hasn't it?"

written June 16, 2015

"I don't want your tongue between my legs anymore
I want to have the full you, someone I adore
The feelings you give me but ten times more
and I want to feel you deep inside
Not my body but my life
I want to get to know you, the real you, your soul
Deeper deeper baby, right there that
Hole in your chest that makes you cry, I want to know why
and I want to converse with you like our tongues do in bed
Engaging in a language we both understand but I want more
Give me more
I want your eyes to do what your hands do and monitor my body like I'm your property and I want your hand to hold mine
I want cuddles and laughter
And hearts beating faster
Oh dear, I want to be so much more
Than your *** *****
And I don't want your tongue between my legs anymore"

written May 27, 2015

"People are lessons
Some good some bad
You my friend, are everything I wished to have
But you shed your skin and your true colors emerged
And you revealed that you weren't as high up as I once believed
For you actually were the opposite, so low and deceiving

But people are lessons and you sure taught me something these past 12 years of schooling never did
That you can't trust a boy with a glimmer of love in his eyes
Who tells you he loves you so and whose hands you hold at night feel warmer than your mothers touch
Whose kisses breathe life into your soul as you feel as if you're suffocating yet filled with life at the same time
Because all these gestures, my dear
Are gestures of a boy whose eyes are looking at other girls, whose hands are reaching out to other opportunities and whose lips are talking about everything but you

People are lessons
And you were just a lost cause who wasn't worth my time
I hope you look back and realize you lost something great
For my sights were set on you, my hands were ******, and my lips never shut up about how wonderful I thought you were
I moved mountains for you when you barely moved 25 miles to see me
So thank you, for teaching me that love is blind to a lovers eye"

written May 27, 2015

"I feel alive
I feel consumed with happiness and achievement
For I've made it to the finish line
And there's no looking back
This week is monumental and a stepping stone into the big world unknown
Momma, I made it
and from this point forward
I will blossom into the flower I deserve to be
Confidence is key and I've got the lock
For I am finally falling into myself a trust fall I once never felt comfortable falling into
I will do well
I will prosper
I made it"

written April 20, 2015

"Despiteful
Disdainful
Disrespectful
Distressed
Those that can't comprehend, are those being repressed
Those who only believe what they see and don't perceive that they're deemed to fall into those dreams and realities of those who they call leaders
But we're all cowards
Falling into each others words like lovers falling for each other
Sisters, mothers, and brothers
We're all one
But one does not mean together
When you're a follower
You see,
Our thoughts are twined together as children being fed Spaghettios that spell out the words we are forced fed to believe in
c o r r u p t i o n
Yummy
Yet what are we really entitled to in this life?
A ****** good career, college education, a wife?
What's been said is done and what's been branded into our minds as a life worth living
Is no where close to a life we're living
An office job, long hours, rarely sleeping at night
A beautiful woman by your side, yet no time for the night
Three caring children you adore, yet abhor their ability to block you out
Care free living is all they want
Yet your rules and ridicules are getting in the way of the way they want to be
Care free living is what they see
No curfew and "no tv"
It's obscene
So feed the children plain Cheerios and have them know their opinions are brought up in life
And everything you say is neither wrong nor right
And that the world is not this wonderful place it's brought out to be
Because freedom isn't  quite as free as it may seem"

written April 14, 2015

"Hiding the pain is becoming harder and harder each day
Why did you have to go away?
Why didn't you want me to stay?
Your claim says 'it's not you it's me'
But if that was the case, things wouldn't be
like this
I can't stop thinking about the times we kissed
And the flirtation between you and I
I just can't cope with this anymore
I can't stop feeling this way inside
I am constantly repressing it
acting like it doesn't matter
But when two people collide, talk for five months every day and then stop
their hearts should shatter
Mine has, like glass thrown on the floor
I have so much love for you, I want to show you more
But you cut me off like a tag on clothing
A quick snip, and we're done - I don't need you anymore
What you didn't know, was I was there for you, to help guide you you and chersh you
And I can't believe you did this to me
All I did was try to be the best to you
Because I love you dearly
This separation is nearly
the breaking point
for me"

written April 5, 2015

"Downing whisky like it's medicine
Downing sleeping pills like it's my life
I need someone to come along and make everything right
My mind is distorted when you're not around
I'm terribly mistaken and constantly feeling down
Most might see me as moved on
Truth is I still haven't grasped that you're gone
It hits me at times when I'm all alone
Or times where I'm out, away from home
But the times that cause the most amount of pain
Is the days where I hear 'he won't change'
Because you were my everything, why can't you see?
I ******* love you Alex
I made that easy to perceive"

written March 31, 2015

"Have you ever cried every day for two weeks straight?
I have
And although the tears were sporadic
My breaths were heavy and I had outbursts
These tears i'm experiencing, two weeks later
are hurting much much more
I'm not biting my tongue to hide my sobs
or crying into the pillow, late at night
Rather feelings the burn as each tear slowly runs down my cheeks
Every tear falls with a memory of you
and my heart is heavy tonight
I feel as if I'm suffocating
Because my heart and my head are in a rebuttal
Wishing two things upon myself
and I don't know where to go
I just want to stay still and do nothing for the rest of eternity
Who knew decisions could be this ******* someone
And why is it that the one who hurts you and treats you poorly
is the one you set your sights on
and want the most"

written March 19, 2015

"who said people can't be poisonous?
because the thought of you is taking over my body
i'm ill, dizzy, unable to think straight
and you're just the catalyst to the fire setting off inside of me
slowly deteriorating like a wave crashing against rocks
but my stance isn't so strong
now that you're gone
slowly, i slip
into the deep sea
drowning in your memory and full of everything we used to be

who said people can't be poisonous?
because i sure feel infected
nothing but you on my mind
nauseous over the broken promises you once said you'd never turn on
but now all you're turning on is the anxiety and depression inside of me
this black spot within, i once repressed
is now back and spreading like fire lit to forest green
because you are poisonous
yet
you are also my remedy"

written March 9, 2015

"There is war raging inside my mind
I'm not fine
Need someone to help pull out, analyze, and perceive these feelings I'm feeling
deep down inside
And I'm trying
To cope with my sporadic brain
Please don't avoid me today
and everyday
Because it feels as if you're slipping away
and I cant handle this pain
I know you love me, I can feel it deep inside
But the feeling of overwhelming anxiety is higher
Has me contemplating, thinking that you may be a liar
And I'm tired
of my mind playing these stupid on and off games
Not knowing which direction my mind is aimed
So I take every day, as it comes and goes
Trying to embrace those harsh and lonely "lows"
Hoping for the best, I'm not doing so well
I didn't know loving someone causes your world to turn to hell"

written March 9, 2015

"Hiding the sound of my tears dripping down
with the rushing water flowing from the shower head
I don't understand what is up with my head
Went to bed at 7:30, highly unlikely of me
I just couldn't deal with all this built up pain and anxiety
It got the best of me
And now I sit here, naked on the bathroom floor,
wondering why I am the way I am
Because something so simple, something so small, shouldn't affect me the way it is
It's took a toll on me like no other
That is what I get
for being and unconditional lover"

written February 23, 2015

"I wish we could be no strings attached
But these strings have already been knotted, tangled and latched
I'm trying to overcome these feelings inside
By untangling the knots one at a time
Until I can subside
and you can quit the lies"

written February 15, 2015

"The feeling of him leaving scratch marks down my back
doesn't add up to the feelings I get when you rub it
And the feeling of him biting at my lips
cannot compare to the sweet kisses you place upon them

I was wrong to do such a horrible thing
You don't deserve my disloyalty

In a way it was an awakening for me
Because it reminded me how hard life would be
If you were not with me

Rough *** is great from time to time
but all I really want is someone to hold me tight
and tell me they love me
You're the perfect bachelor for that

Our sloppy drunk kisses meant nothing to me
It was temporary

And I'd rather have sober pecks
then a long drunk mistake anyway"

written January 25, 2015

"Even a two hour absence of you is enough to make me break down crying wondering why you left
I'm anxiously awaiting a message from you but the phone screen remains as black as the night above
And it makes me wonder, scared shitless if the day comes when I no longer have you, and the phone screen remains message-less
days upon days
Because just these two hourss, and I'm already consumed with thought on why you're not texting me back
And today is the day I know I'm in too deep"

written December 24, 2014

"As I walked inside the flood of memories came pouring down into the deep depths of my empty stomach
And my heart dropped down with them, when I first saw you
Feeble, exhausted, and glued to your bed
Throat so inflamed that barely any words were said
Wishing things were different, but there's nothing we can do
Besides sit and watch a movie together, inside the hospital room
When you caressed my hand, I felt it straight in my heart
Like a pathway to my happiness, you are the start
Our time was cut short, and I had to say goodbye
Our hands fell from our intertwine, to our sides as I looked you in the eyes for this last time
And said, 'bye'
But don't worry my love, I'll be back soon
And I promise I love you from the ground to the moon (and back)"

written December 9, 2015

"You're like super glue on my heart
I can't stand you and I apart
You mean more to me than you will ever know
And all I can do is attempt to show you
The imprints you leave on my heart, like a pillow that indents slow and smooth
The things you say, the things you do
I really can't get enough of you
Stuck in love they may say, but I'm stuck on you day to day
You never leave my mind, that's a fact
Please don't leave, please come back
You mean the world to me, and I need you to know
You're the best thing that's happened to me
and I love you so"

written November 26, 2014

"You have an impact on me like no other
A simple sentence sent over the phone is powerful enough to react feelings of overwhelming joy and love inside of me
Melting away my soul, leaving butterflies in my stomach and making me wish I was with you more than I ever have wanted"

written November 5, 2014

"I get jealous of your ex lovers
But, I have to remember X is just a number
You see, in math that's all we do
We factor out every situation until we find the solution -
X

But, just like the fed up kid in the back row who screams out, 'Miss, when are we going to use this in real life?!' and she stutters on an answer
X is just a number, not an answer to your solutions

I keep thinking about her face on your woman crush Wednesday
How am I so crushed knowing she once was the apple of your eye when I don't even know the girl?
Much less, know you..

Met on an app called Tinder
Yet you hinder the strings pull me in so tightly with your sweet and kind demeanor
It's not right of me to be jealous - when you give me all of your attention

I need to be grateful
For I am the one you're up all night texting
And the one who's on your mind when you fall into your lonely bed at night
And she's just a forgotten face remaining on your Instagram page"

written October 8, 2014

"But what are you supposed to do when you fall in love with someone who's already in love with someone else?

My anxiety rose as the thought of you coming inside approached me, ripped my breath out from under my lungs and had me scared to pieces
all to be in your presence

You're too sweet to me and it's leading me on but it's not the same as it once was, you see, i'm single and you have a girlfriend of eight months
I can't believe the predicament I'm in
I can't stand myself for falling for every guy who shows me attention but you, you were something special
Not one guy I know treated me the way you treated me
With so much love and care
I just can't wrap my head around it
Why I seem to still be in love with you
but I know that ship has sailed and it was a missed opportunity that I will always regret
And I'm so sorry for choosing him over you"

written September 24, 2014

"I'm not going to tweet and blog about how much I miss you
I'm not going to give u the satisfaction of exactly what I want to do
Yes, last night brought back memories
All the memories and feelings we once forgot
But if there's one thing that last night taught
Was that I cannot be with one who once made me distraught Conversations flicked off our tongues, we were conversing like we used to do
Nostalgia and old feelings filled my whole being, I really do miss you
But I will not go texting you telling you so
For I have grown smart enough to know
That would only be detrimental to myself
And for my health,

I mustn't give you the satisfaction of knowing that you still have strings tied around my heart
With every flick of the wrist - left right left right
My heart beats
Like a puppet on strings, you control my whole being
And like a fish on a rail, you know you have the ability to real me in at any time you desire
After all, my first time being caught was by you
You're an idiot in disguise, but why do I still fall for you when you look me in the eyes?
It's not right
For one to have the power while the other kneels at their throne begging for forgiveness"

written November 19, 2013

"Why do I feel as if I'm going to burst into flames - a growing spark that even the slightest bit of wind can't put out
The stress boils through my blood
The assumptions I branded into my brain have taken over me and my heart is racing
And so far I'm in first place
Because I can't focus on anything else but the presence of you and your little mind games - are you trying to make me fall in love with you? Or fall into your bed where you can make love to me?
These two questions jump across my corpus callosum
Playing hop scotch back and forth and back and forth
You see I can picture it my mind but logically, it makes no sense
That you would ever have feelings for me
So I'm torn between the ideas of love and lust and that **** you pulled Saturday?
It's got me contemplating my feelings constantly
My mind is supposed to stay present yet it wanders to the past to where my heart wants to be, back in your arms snuggling on the couch watching a movie
It's no doubt I want you
Yet, I lie to myself and say 'at least he's being a gentleman about it'
But no matter how many paid dinners for you to see the artisan in act, it will never pay for the amount of love I have for you
So here I am, type type typing the words into the lonely phone awaiting a simplistic three letter message saying 'hey'
Three
simple
letters
would make my heart grow
three
times
fonder"

written July 10, 2013

"Your eyes were black
Not the like the pavement we used to walk along during the day hand in hand
Or the night sky that was above us as we kissed under the stars
But like the liquid pouring from the coffee ***
Warm and content
Your smile was deathly
Not like the crash we saw on the highway as we were driving home from a movie
Or the raccoon we saw lying on the side of the street
But like my cat who died in her sleep
Warm and content
Your love was overwhelming
Not like the anxiety attack I had when I lost my keys in the park
Or when we couldn't find parking at the parade
But like the excitement on your face when I gave you your present for your birthday
Warm and content
Now when you left, I was devastated
Not like the feelings you felt when you were told the unfortunate news that your aunt had passed
Or like the times you got bullied growing up
But as if you physically yanked me out of your life
Like your heart was a trap door you were trying to hold shut
And three years later, nothing's changed
These letters I reread are worse than any death because each time I read the lines you once wrote
I die over and over again for your love
How are you supposed to stay strong and stand tall when you've already fallen?
Like a back brace, you held me up
You kept every little piece of me together so I wouldn't break and fall apart but when you left
It's as if the Velcro lost its stick
And I slowly started feeling the pain in my back
Slouching and trying to catch my breath for my heart was taken away
Just like my breath was, the first time I met you
Warm and content"

written June 25, 2013

"The Helpless

She is a broken vase that was knocked over and dusted aside for no one to see
Pieces shattered and left to slowly gather dust year after year
She is the piece of glass that he would step on occasionally, a reminder of his mistakes and how he just brushed her aside like it didnt happen
And that pain he felt  in his foot he also feel deep in his heart as he reminisces that feeling of love he once felt
He  used to hold that vase so dearly, and delicately never wanting to let it break
But - it did

And as soon as it broke he made her believe like she was worthless
That truth emerged when months later she was replaced by a mug much more antique which lasted about a year

And the day finally came when she was thrown away
And the vase was happy once again
Until...

She is a brand new wine glass,
Beautiful and young
In bewilderment on how this all came to be
The broken  watches daily, as he loves this glass  just the way he used to love her

And she sits there, helpless for there's nothing she's can do about it

She's just an old forgotten broken vase
Dusted aside to make room for something better

The Powerful

She was a great and beautiful vase
That held the flowers I meant to give to her
But we couldn't be together, and that tore me apart
As the flowers withered, my love only grew stronger
Upset, I threw the vase on the floor
And cried as I brushed away the evidence

A few months later, school was starting up and it was time to move on with my life
I still think about her time to time, as I step on that broken glass piece that I must have missed..it really reminds me of how much I loved her

Now addicted to caffeine, I bought a cheap antique mug
It's beautiful and presses so gently to my lips every morning and night

It's been a year, and the mug didn't seem to capture my attention the way it used to so I threw it away
I will miss it, but I'm not much for coffee after all

Today I brought home a brand new wine glass
It's tall and beautiful and is anything an alcoholic could ever ask for
It feels right in my hand and helps so dearly with the lonely nights
When I am thinking of the past
And glance over at the broken glass
From the vase I once loved
That is now dusted aside for no one to see"

written April 22, 2013

"The blade shines with a welcoming smile
Greeting the flesh it hasn't seen in awhile
Old friends they were, they used to speak
About all of their problems and how they turned out so weak
While the blood rushed so did their tears
Then they drifted, for about a year
Then reunited like they never left each other
And talked about stress, boy problems, and mothers
But the conversation that triggered the first bit of tears
is the silent cry flesh holds - that no one seems to hear
She's lonely she explains
As the blade listens dearly
Then drives into the skin
Leaving a mark so clearly
They begin a relationship, the flesh and the blade
Unspeakable to others, one they both made
And when they separate, oh that won't be the end
For they have something stronger, they are old friends
So 'goodbye for now,'
Says the blade to the skin
'Don't let it be too long, till I see you again'"