I used to have this dream
There was a huge house in the forest
It was night, but well lit
I had been ***** and then
The man who ***** me took me apart
Limb by limb and piece by piece
No blood
And packed me in a briefcase
And walked out with the briefcase

spin me around
fast enough to stop my heart
until it drops from its place
and settles at your feet

My mother was a dreamer
My father was a sinner
And now I am  a daughter
With nowhere to call home

I laid out all the pictures
Constructing my memory
I was a happy little girl
Forgetting all my eyes had seen

I hid it deep inside
Every dark thing
Until one day once you'd died
I remembered everything
_

And now it consumes my thought
I try so hard to **** it
Abused and broken on the floor
There's a knife - a leg split

I'm far too vain to cut my arms
So I cut my legs
Why do I do this - it hurts
"Bittersweet", I said

Walking in the dark among the streets I knew
I remember you, the sky was black
And I was pale with fright of you

You smothered me, too much for me to bear
I couldn't scream I couldn't breathe
And you really didn't care

Punching me in my stomach
I felt a knot in my throat
I tried to form a fist, I couldn't
Felt my spirit start to float

Sleep paralysis is how my memories came back
It started with nightmares of me walking
And ending with me dying

i can't make myself happy
when i can't get off this chair
too anxious to stop crying
silently hating my stare

my face is so ****** ugly
i'm shaking, i'm trying to stop
nothing could ever console me
this dark and familiar spot

depression that grabs me is all too familiar
i'm crippled and tired, too tired to care

a few pills will save me from cutting my body
again and again i'll make myself sleep
it's always been there, this darkness and crying
but now i know that it's better to sleep

because it escalates to rage and seeing spots
and punching holes in the wall and filling holes from inside with
alcohol and cigarettes and petting my pride

my egotistical mind that thinks that if i look good
at least i have that, and that's one thing i have

so i spend hours in front of the mirror painting my face and doing my hair and ******* hating my face, my ****** stare

if i look long enough i see myself change and no longer am i fragile, i'm filling that space
where i can't hurt i  just harm and push everyone away
it's harder to ache and to look at my face
than it is to get cold and harder to touch and harder to shove

and i can't replace my face with anyone else's
so i better make it perfect
keep on going and try to calm down
keep myself busy and play music loud

so typical.
it's a cycle.
i'm trying.
still breathing.

i am the cracks on the front porch
he is the ants crawling inside and out
you are the water drowning us all
thank god
ending it all
i am the blades of grass in the yard
you are the wind
swaying me back and forth
and i love you

I wish to spend the rest of my time kissing you with kisses so divine, they recognize your skin from another lifetime and dance around your eyes in perfect unison.
I need to know how you were made, what made you who you are? And so I trace your every line and mark your every flaw. I never saw a man so beautiful.
Take my kisses, take my wishes, take my willing soul. I will never from you part, if you will take my all.

I have been so depressed today. I’m going to be 26 soon. So much time has passed. I don’t know where I thought I’d be at this age, but I’m here. Happy thanksgiving, love 🖤

i feel the new year coming
i haaaaaaate the cold so bad
if all goes according to plan then i’ll have my mom’s ashes after christmas
i’m working on the gym ****
to be completely honest i’ve started restricting again, longest i can go is two days ehh
i’m working on the social phobia
i’ve been places myself with earbuds and you know what i’m proud actually
i still haven’t self harmed
idk exactly how long it’s been since i self harmed
i see the therapist on thursday so i suppose it’ll be a ****** tHurSdAy. Jk.. ? Um it really is just poor humor and i hate myself
work ***** but it’s gotta be done so i’m doing the thing
drinking lots of water
yeah
xoxo
-faith/ nobody

meds have been working
head has been hurting
forever needing sedation
truthfully wondering why
i even get up and try
resisting every temptation

to cut myself feels so familiar
on my legs and tummy and arm
once on my neck
i wish somebody else would cut me
euphoria

i’ll only rhyme when i want to
i’ll always cry when i say your name
if we had another chance you
might cut off my wings as a game

cut off my wings
right my wrongs with my blood
cut on my body
just deep enough, love

you taught me that love is irrelevant
because i loved you with everything
and yet our love was bad, black, burnt
and even though i loved you,
i’d have still walked away the same
because i always knew you’d be the end of me

and now it’s been so many years since you cradled my face
and the thought makes me cringe
because even though i didn’t say no
losing my virginity wasn’t what i wanted

not there, not then, not yet
but it was gone and then you were gone
and i slowly realized you never loved me
i was just like the rest

expendable and unimportant
at least, that’s how you made me feel in the gutter on your street above mine at night without touching me without looking at me without tears and without shame

i gave you what innocence i had left
and you ruined my soul
a permanent mark
i still have nightmares of you
i still wake up screaming
you etched yourself into me
and left me sitting in the gutter on your street above mine at night without touching me without looking at me without tears and without shame

i will forever regret you, but i could never take you back
it was an uncontrollable connection - karmic
fate i think because
you taught me what love was
and what love felt like once corrupted

now i no longer mistake lust for love
i recognize that love is nothing like how i thought it to be
love is easy
love flows like grass in the wind
it doesn’t feel scary or forced
love is much more than pretty words left on my front porch

love isn’t abusive or harmful
love isn’t doing everything to please another
love isn’t lies
love isn’t you

but it’ s interesting,
now i no longer suffer abuse
and yet i must inflict physical pain on myself
to feel alive

dear cutting,
thank you

love, me

so i’m now 24 yrs old
most of my life consists of work, but i’ve been calling in more ever since July 4th of last year, when i had a miscarriage. that experience changed me in a lot of ways, and unfortunately caused me to call in or take off a day. i’ve never been like that, i’ve always been very reliable, never called in. idk i guess the miscarriage made me mature more in a way. i don’t feel completely the same. but i’ve already committed to never being late (always early) to work, and not calling in for the rest of the year. so there should be no other issue there. but i feel like maybe i should get some sort of degree in a field there will always be a job. maybe become certified in my current occupation. or start over with something like becoming a dental hygienist, or embalming or pet training or maybe something simple like a barista haha..idk what to do.
but i guess the main goal now is to get into shape for the beach in july, i’m soooo excited/nervous. the only time i’ve been to the beach and have seen the ocean was when i was suuuuper young like 5 yrs old, maybe. so i hardly remember it, so this is the first time i’ll visit the ocean in my adult life, um yes. excited. it’s a superficial goal to get beach body ready, but i’ll look good which will make me feel confident to just forcus on socializing and relaxing. beach stuff, i guess? yes :) also i need to make appointments for my jaw (TMJ) bone loss, deviated septum, and restricted airway, and a dental appointment, and a knee specialist. i desperately need a hair cut, but i also want to dye it. i’m seriously thinking ashy light silvery gray. idk if that’ll look good but that’s what i’m thinking!! except i wouldn’t be surprised if i default to black or red out of stress in trying the unknown. i also want layers in my hair, or long side bangs. i want to get all of my family members presents this year. i want to get in a mf hot tub at some point. i want to rock climb. i want my eyebrows microbladed and possibly some freckles..... and eyelash extensions. i want to finally read those threee books i have. i want to finish this letter about mormonism. i want to completely stop self harming. or at least go longer than 6 months without it. i want to possibly do boxing, it would be very good for me.
so those are my own personal goals, and i could get it all done soooo quick but my anxiety really gets in the way. i just don’t like going outside and people looking at me. it’s lame and stress-inducing. idk i just want to find out what’s going on with my body, it hurts all over especially my face from my jaw.
there has been a slight shift in how i perceive this world and my life. i’m pretty much banking on reincarnation because i fuuuuucked up a lot already.