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faith Dec 2019
i feel the new year coming
i haaaaaaate the cold so bad
if all goes according to plan then i’ll have my mom’s ashes after christmas
i’m working on the gym ****
to be completely honest i’ve started restricting again, longest i can go is two days ehh
i’m working on the social phobia
i’ve been places myself with earbuds and you know what i’m proud actually
i still haven’t self harmed
idk exactly how long it’s been since i self harmed
i see the therapist on thursday so i suppose it’ll be a ****** tHurSdAy. Jk.. ? Um it really is just poor humor and i hate myself
work ***** but it’s gotta be done so i’m doing the thing
drinking lots of water
yeah
xoxo
-faith/ nobody
12 - 10 - 19
faith Nov 2019
first adult therapy session went... well.
she gave me her personal phone number which i haven’t texted yet. my number one goal is getting my momma’s ashes mailed to me. she’s going to send me the link and instructions. i just gotta text her first. i also want to grieve her properly and find some closure. then the social phobia is another goal, the therapist said she could help me find things to control the panic attacks myself. then to go to the gym by myself is the last goal.
momma, you and i will be reunited soon. i love you, and feel you with me. i hope you’re proud of me. haven’t self harmed in like 2-4 months idk, but that’s good.
11 - 24 19
faith Sep 2019
meds have been working
head has been hurting
forever needing sedation
truthfully wondering why
i even get up and try
resisting every temptation

to cut myself feels so familiar
on my legs and tummy and arm
once on my neck
i wish somebody else would cut me
euphoria

i’ll only rhyme when i want to
i’ll always cry when i say your name
if we had another chance you
might cut off my wings as a game

cut off my wings
right my wrongs with my blood
cut on my body
just deep enough, love

you taught me that love is irrelevant
because i loved you with everything
and yet our love was bad, black, burnt
and even though i loved you,
i’d have still walked away the same
because i always knew you’d be the end of me

and now it’s been so many years since you cradled my face
and the thought makes me cringe
because even though i didn’t say no
losing my virginity wasn’t what i wanted

not there, not then, not yet
but it was gone and then you were gone
and i slowly realized you never loved me
i was just like the rest

expendable and unimportant
at least, that’s how you made me feel in the gutter on your street above mine at night without touching me without looking at me without tears and without shame

i gave you what innocence i had left
and you ruined my soul
a permanent mark
i still have nightmares of you
i still wake up screaming
you etched yourself into me
and left me sitting in the gutter on your street above mine at night without touching me without looking at me without tears and without shame

i will forever regret you, but i could never take you back
it was an uncontrollable connection - karmic
fate i think because
you taught me what love was
and what love felt like once corrupted

now i no longer mistake lust for love
i recognize that love is nothing like how i thought it to be
love is easy
love flows like grass in the wind
it doesn’t feel scary or forced
love is much more than pretty words left on my front porch

love isn’t abusive or harmful
love isn’t doing everything to please another
love isn’t lies
love isn’t you

but it’ s interesting,
now i no longer suffer abuse
and yet i must inflict physical pain on myself
to feel alive

dear cutting,
thank you

love, me
9 - 17 - 19
faith Sep 2019
it’ll be autumn and halloween in no time. this cooler weather is more my style, but not good for the chemicals in my brain. gloomy, cloudy days seem fitting, when really they’re lethal days if you’re not careful. still, when the sun peeks out and warms my skin i remember the summer days of my childhood which reminds me that the seasons change and that if there is discomfort or pain, it won’t last forever. my sister had a baby, my nephew. i was half as far along as her, before i lost mine. baby - i hope you come back to me. it’s crazy how life punches you in the gut and doesn’t offer you a single remedy. you must find your own way, and salve your own wounds. crazy how i say your name every day, but you’ll never come back, i’ll never see you again. or smell you, or be held by you. why do i have a hard time saying goodbye? maybe because i never got to say goodbye, or see you for a last time. maybe because i’m a bona fide baby.
anyway.
9 - 9 -  19
faith Aug 2019
i’ve been hearing voices again so i’m just
staying high to drown out the voices
so many choices have led me to where i am
and i don’t think it makes sense that such a fragile, sensitive me could be born from unabashed passion
assuming
my heart aches all the time for the smell of my momma
one more time
cigarettes and cherry blossoms and all
i wish i could soar higher and higher until
the glue securing the feathers of my wings melted
and i plummeted to the earth getting to you
i found my biological dad and family from that side
he’s been passed away for a long time
biologically an orphan
but a psychic told me my dad always protects me and watches over me, there is a squash blossom necklace he wishes me to have
physically i will be just fine, self harm is not seriously physically threatening
i don’t want to die really after all
my mind is the problem
i just need the voices to make sense
and they’re not, and that’s making me scared
what is this life trying to teach me?
what about this life determines my next life?
everything
and i never wish to have these scars fade, present life and/if afterlife
every single **** and line
means something
reminds me
i am fragile; but, evidently, i’m still breathing
that has to account for something
yeah?
8 - 22 - 19
faith Aug 2019
addicted to clon
addicted to nicotine
addicted to flexeril
addicted to you
addicted to self harm
addicted to restricting
addicted to being intoxicated
8 - 22 - 19
faith Jul 2019
can’t stop this warmth
warmer than the sun
deeper than the sun
it’s bound to cause some harm

see the human body has so many needs
needs that require tenderness and affection
but some needs require a level of intrigue
with complete apathy
which wolf will you feed?


darling i remember when your hair glistened in the sun
and how my tears and sweat
- slid down my cheek -
hit the ground


i remember the innocent interest and the pull to talk
you drew me to you
i never said stop


i never said stop


i need to be my own, darling
a darling nobody, owing nothing
born from nothing
but will pass on with everything


every single moment is a blessing
memories are treasures
tears purify
darling nobody,


my heart requires stability and silence and sweetness
my body requires more roughness tightly, tough, and true
a vehicle for lust and a vehicle for apathy
so i’ll never have something to lose

polarity of emotions has expanded me
my heart
my mind
my will
my strength
my hope
6 - 30 - 19
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