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faith May 28
rest easy sweet soul
i love you, i miss you
you will never ever be forgotten, you are one-of-a-kind
your beautiful face when you’re sleeping
your beautiful voice, singing in the car with you
your humor, and how you made me laugh so hard i cried countless times
you are my brother forever
the tony to my effy
i’m going to miss your aarbear hugs the most
your laugh and your perfect impressions/quotations of our favorite lines from our favorite shows
i will miss the way you get under my skin
so many people loved you buddy..
it’s crazy, because you thought nobody would show up to your funeral, but so many people did
maybe, hopefully, you knew deep down how loved you were
i'm so so sorry for all of my shittiness
but for as hard as we fought, we sure loved just as much and more
i know you would have hated some things about your funeral, but i hope you appreciate the ***** breaking bad and ooof maddon stickers, and tony soprano gold chain and medallion we put on you in your casket. it looked amazing on you
i’ll love meadow and see you in her, and feel close to you when i’m walking her
this wasn’t meant to happen.. i still expect to see a message or tweet or update from you when i wake up
you are forever in my heart ♥️ rip grains
04-04-1995-05-20-2022
preschool to infinity bruv🖤
faith Oct 2021
i will just start typing. today is october 28th, a thursday, not a stupid ****** tuesday. i've found it hard in the recent past years to find inspiration. i've become quite agitated at the state of existence. i find it hard to escape the thoughts of self harm, suicide, death, dangerous situations for everybody within my site, even though i know it hardly matters. everything hardly matters. it is still true i prefer not to be seen. i am addicted to a few things, things i can't go without or else i'll seize. and i remember i had grand mal seizures as a child. and i see that maybe seizing wouldn't be such a bad thing. because maybe that would make existence not so ******* stupid. it's stupid because even if you are kind, or really make a difference in the world for the good, you will die, your memory, the things you left behind will die and rot, and even others' memories of you will be completely inconsequential. anybody could cease to exist at any moment, it's a wonder some of us are still alive. the planet will die. if this is even a planet. if there is even a universe and space. how can we trust what we have no basis of knowing except the word of a mass corporation and world government telling us there is a universe. but what is seen by you, when you look in the sky, is only stars, and the sun, and the moon, essentially. so you're trusting what some humans say is there. and that's so ******* stupid. and yet we are conditioned as humans at a young age to succumb so much that i am not surprised so many of us never question ****. some people think there is nothing after death, some people think there is heaven and hell. i find it funny because we do not ******* know ****. for all we know, there is absolutely nothing but nothing once your human body succumbs to death. consciousness ceasing. so i truly mean **** all. i really am ****. no goodness in me has ever done true good, and no harm. i seem to bring infinite light, and also infinite darkness. like a black hole. it's funny, i used to liken my first love to a black hole. because they took and TOOK from me every second we were together, my energy, my love, my naivety was ridiculous, and everything they took went into their black hole. i feel they broke me after i thought i had found love for the first time, and irreparably broke me. people love broken things, i love broken things. people loved me, without realizing i was defective to start with. i think maybe this whole time i had it in my head i was an angel because my momma called me angel, and i was naturally sweet because people are typically less likely to hurt someone that is sweet. typically. but maybe this whole time i was ****** from the beginning. because for every thing i've broken in this world, including your heart, i cannot repair. i feel responsible for breaking you when nobody feels wrong for breaking me. where is karma in all of this? why would i be abused as a newborn, child, young teen, and adult and still choose sweetness instead of malice. every mistake i've made, i know at least it wasn't malicious.. and that has to count for something. i've wondered so much lately about ending it all. or becoming what i was meant to be, brought to this earth on drugs, perhaps an overdose would be appropriate. i wonder how long it would take of ****** use for me to die. i wonder if i could be an addict for a few years, and then end this miserable existence simply by one day overdosing, intentionally or not. it's become very clear to me the darkness of my own soul. regardless of the fact that the darkness is a result of abuse and trauma, it's there. i am feeling quite dark in every sense. i've been trying to get at the fact that even if i fight darkness with the soft side of my soul, darkness will still be there. there cannot bet light without darkness. so why not succumb to it? perhaps it's best just to commit suicide because the only other option besides "healing" is addiction, in my mind. and i think biologically i was "meant" to be just like my momma. and it would feel better. i wouldn't think about this ****. and maybe i wouldn't even hate myself any more for everything i've done to hurt you. and "you" are those with hearts hurt by me and my actions. this is why suicide seems the best option, before i have time to **** anything else up. i'm not tired of self harming, and i don't feel i'll ever tire of it. i don't want to give it up. it feels so familiar and warm and deserved. and if, somehow, all my dark deeds could be undone, it still wouldn't matter, because for every person i've hurt, i have also hurt myself. irreparably. for some reason i am so fragile, despite the fact that everybody who hears even one part of by abuse would think i'm "strong". i have always felt like a "delicate cancer". and on the best days where being good, and doing good, and spreading light seems like a good idea even if none of this matters, i am still ******. my mind is tormented. and i can't stop it. and with time, it seems i only think about more and more and more things, and everything is so ******* disappointing and terribly sad, and unfair, and cruel. let's say everybody in the world only felt love, and no anger. like utopia type situation. perhaps this planet would survive, perhaps the human population could do a lot of good. but the point is that will never happen. even if HALF of the population never felt anger and only felt love, abuse and trauma would still be a factor. not just for me, but for everybody that wasn't limited to doing only good things. some people believe that "lucifer" had a good idea actually when he said that perhaps humans should NOT have a choice. they would be forced to behave a certain way, and obey certain laws. i find that interesting. some of my darkest thoughts are that a real-life annual "purge" (this is one thought i have that makes me think that it would be best if i was admitted to the psych ward and had no freedom or choice) would be massively beneficial for this world. maybe with the exemption of like genocide and nuclear warfare.. but truly, this is all inconsequential and speculative and unproductive. i've wondered if living "off-grid" would be a good solution to most of my problems. but those i love wouldn't follow me. they wouldn't choose that life. overall, i feel in the past couple of years i have deteriorated mentally. which is funny, because i've been doing what i'm "supposed" to do like seeing a psychiatrist and getting into spiritual healing and meditation, and light work the past few years. it seems the more "awake" i become, the more i hate even having the ability to think. i wish i could exist in peace, like perhaps i could be a star in the sky, or a cloud, or a mushroom or something. i guess it is true that "ignorance is bliss" i will say one positive thought. that maybe "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". thank you whoever first thought of that. because honestly, that's one of the things keeping me on this earth. not like me being alive is a good thing, but.. it makes life more bearable for me.. even though i feel i don't deserve comfort or ease . ******* away.
10-28-2021
faith Nov 2020
I have been so depressed today. I’m going to be 26 soon. So much time has passed. I don’t know where I thought I’d be at this age, but I’m here. Happy thanksgiving, love 🖤
11 - 26 - 2020
faith Dec 2019
i feel the new year coming
i haaaaaaate the cold so bad
if all goes according to plan then i’ll have my mom’s ashes after christmas
i’m working on the gym ****
to be completely honest i’ve started restricting again, longest i can go is two days ehh
i’m working on the social phobia
i’ve been places myself with earbuds and you know what i’m proud actually
i still haven’t self harmed
idk exactly how long it’s been since i self harmed
i see the therapist on thursday so i suppose it’ll be a ****** tHurSdAy. Jk.. ? Um it really is just poor humor and i hate myself
work ***** but it’s gotta be done so i’m doing the thing
drinking lots of water
yeah
xoxo
-faith/ nobody
12 - 10 - 19
faith Nov 2019
first adult therapy session went... well.
she gave me her personal phone number which i haven’t texted yet. my number one goal is getting my momma’s ashes mailed to me. she’s going to send me the link and instructions. i just gotta text her first. i also want to grieve her properly and find some closure. then the social phobia is another goal, the therapist said she could help me find things to control the panic attacks myself. then to go to the gym by myself is the last goal.
momma, you and i will be reunited soon. i love you, and feel you with me. i hope you’re proud of me. haven’t self harmed in like 2-4 months idk, but that’s good.
11 - 24 19
faith Sep 2019
meds have been working
head has been hurting
forever needing sedation
truthfully wondering why
i even get up and try
resisting every temptation

to cut myself feels so familiar
on my legs and tummy and arm
once on my neck
i wish somebody else would cut me
euphoria

i’ll only rhyme when i want to
i’ll always cry when i say your name
if we had another chance you
might cut off my wings as a game

cut off my wings
right my wrongs with my blood
cut on my body
just deep enough, love

you taught me that love is irrelevant
because i loved you with everything
and yet our love was bad, black, burnt
and even though i loved you,
i’d have still walked away the same
because i always knew you’d be the end of me

and now it’s been so many years since you cradled my face
and the thought makes me cringe
because even though i didn’t say no
losing my virginity wasn’t what i wanted

not there, not then, not yet
but it was gone and then you were gone
and i slowly realized you never loved me
i was just like the rest

expendable and unimportant
at least, that’s how you made me feel in the gutter on your street above mine at night without touching me without looking at me without tears and without shame

i gave you what innocence i had left
and you ruined my soul
a permanent mark
i still have nightmares of you
i still wake up screaming
you etched yourself into me
and left me sitting in the gutter on your street above mine at night without touching me without looking at me without tears and without shame

i will forever regret you, but i could never take you back
it was an uncontrollable connection - karmic
fate i think because
you taught me what love was
and what love felt like once corrupted

now i no longer mistake lust for love
i recognize that love is nothing like how i thought it to be
love is easy
love flows like grass in the wind
it doesn’t feel scary or forced
love is much more than pretty words left on my front porch

love isn’t abusive or harmful
love isn’t doing everything to please another
love isn’t lies
love isn’t you

but it’ s interesting,
now i no longer suffer abuse
and yet i must inflict physical pain on myself
to feel alive

dear cutting,
thank you

love, me
9 - 17 - 19
faith Sep 2019
it’ll be autumn and halloween in no time. this cooler weather is more my style, but not good for the chemicals in my brain. gloomy, cloudy days seem fitting, when really they’re lethal days if you’re not careful. still, when the sun peeks out and warms my skin i remember the summer days of my childhood which reminds me that the seasons change and that if there is discomfort or pain, it won’t last forever. my sister had a baby, my nephew. i was half as far along as her, before i lost mine. baby - i hope you come back to me. it’s crazy how life punches you in the gut and doesn’t offer you a single remedy. you must find your own way, and salve your own wounds. crazy how i say your name every day, but you’ll never come back, i’ll never see you again. or smell you, or be held by you. why do i have a hard time saying goodbye? maybe because i never got to say goodbye, or see you for a last time. maybe because i’m a bona fide baby.
anyway.
9 - 9 -  19
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