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nobody Jul 1
can’t stop this warmth
warmer than the sun
deeper than the sun
it’s bound to cause some harm

see the human body has so many needs
needs that require tenderness and affection
but some needs require a level of intrigue
with complete apathy
which wolf will you feed?

darling i remember when your hair glistened in the sun
and how my tears and sweat
- slid down my cheek -
hit the ground

i remember the innocent interest and the pull to talk
you drew me to you
i never said stop

i never said stop

i need to be my own, darling
a darling nobody, owing nothing
born from nothing
but will pass on with everything

every single moment is a blessing
memories are treasures
tears purify
darling nobody,

my heart requires stability and silence and sweetness
my body requires more roughness tightly, tough, and true
a vehicle for lust and a vehicle for apathy
so i’ll never have something to lose

polarity of emotions has expanded me
my heart
my mind
my will
my strength
my hope
6 - 30 - 19
nobody Jun 26
when my brain wanders
i’m reminded of pain
all the meds can’t cure it
but they make me more sane

  when i look in the mirror
  and feel nothing
  when i realize i have sad eyes
  tears forming start to sting

    when i count the scars on my body
   shocked and reserved
   i manage to not mind them
   and miss the hurt

     physical pain is euphoric
     reminding me i’m just a human
     cutting brings me breath
     like when i got the wind knocked out of me
         this is the cycle i need to break
         i can’t keep feeling pain
         though it’s a familiar friend
         i need to vanquish faith

           i feel the only way to do that
           is to leave this world
           a blip fluke of a human
           just.. forgotten dust

              not dissimilar to the dust in the pills
              keeping me here
              momma give me strength
              i need to feel you near
6 - 25 - 19
nobody Jun 25
i went to see a psychiatrist last monday in the “avenues” and it was refreshing in a way because she actually listened to me, without making me nervous, which is hard. she asked me simple questions, i told her of the ****** abuse as a child, and the toxicity of my relationship before. she asked how my quality of sleep is, and i said it’s fine but i wake up crying or once i screamed “****** ******”, and i also punched the fan blowing on my face in my sleep because i thought i was being attacked. i have panic attacks after grocery shopping and a phobia of crowds, although i’m really unsafe anywhere, anything could happen is how i feel. (my whole life has felt like i’m on the edge of a cliff) i pick at my face, and sometimes pluck out my hair. embarrassing. but better than when i was a young girl and ******.. on my.. ****** hair... ugh. wow.
anyway she said it sounds like i’m having ptsd symptoms, and that my behavior is very common in people with childhood trauma. she adjusted my meds, now i’m on the highest dose prozac, doxycycline for my face, flexeril, klonopin nightly, and trazadone. oh and birth control. anyway i called out to work one day because the night previous i had had two panic attacks, in my sleep as well. long story short my coworker (i think she’s my friend but i really don’t know to tell you the truth) asked how i was, and i told her everything i just said. she replied with “ptsd from what?”
and my thing is i’ve told her of *** abuse when I was a child, and i’ve told her about my toxic abusive relationship. so i replied with photos i’ve taken over the years of my self harm and explained again the abuse and she never replied. i see her at work and she acts chipper as always and just exactly like my friend/coworker. but the only thing she said to me about the pictures i sent her “are you feeling any better?” as she was getting in her car.
that stung a little bit.
anyway i truly am a crybaby. no sense of direction because i have no sense of urgency. “nothing really matters, anyone can see”
and yet there are days when the sun shines even though it hurts my eyes, and it’s beautiful, the flowers in our front yard are beautiful. i’m grateful for life. maybe the meds are working again, hm?
6 - 24 - 19
nobody Feb 24
so i’m now 24 yrs old
most of my life consists of work, but i’ve been calling in more ever since July 4th of last year, when i had a miscarriage. that experience changed me in a lot of ways, and unfortunately caused me to call in or take off a day. i’ve never been like that, i’ve always been very reliable, never called in. idk i guess the miscarriage made me mature more in a way. i don’t feel completely the same. but i’ve already committed to never being late (always early) to work, and not calling in for the rest of the year. so there should be no other issue there. but i feel like maybe i should get some sort of degree in a field there will always be a job. maybe become certified in my current occupation. or start over with something like becoming a dental hygienist, or embalming or pet training or maybe something simple like a barista haha..idk what to do.
but i guess the main goal now is to get into shape for the beach in july, i’m soooo excited/nervous. the only time i’ve been to the beach and have seen the ocean was when i was suuuuper young like 5 yrs old, maybe. so i hardly remember it, so this is the first time i’ll visit the ocean in my adult life, um yes. excited. it’s a superficial goal to get beach body ready, but i’ll look good which will make me feel confident to just forcus on socializing and relaxing. beach stuff, i guess? yes :) also i need to make appointments for my jaw (TMJ) bone loss, deviated septum, and restricted airway, and a dental appointment, and a knee specialist. i desperately need a hair cut, but i also want to dye it. i’m seriously thinking ashy light silvery gray. idk if that’ll look good but that’s what i’m thinking!! except i wouldn’t be surprised if i default to black or red out of stress in trying the unknown. i also want layers in my hair, or long side bangs. i want to get all of my family members presents this year. i want to get in a mf hot tub at some point. i want to rock climb. i want my eyebrows microbladed and possibly some freckles..... and eyelash extensions. i want to finally read those threee books i have. i want to finish this letter about mormonism. i want to completely stop self harming. or at least go longer than 6 months without it. i want to possibly do boxing, it would be very good for me.
so those are my own personal goals, and i could get it all done soooo quick but my anxiety really gets in the way. i just don’t like going outside and people looking at me. it’s lame and stress-inducing. idk i just want to find out what’s going on with my body, it hurts all over especially my face from my jaw.
there has been a slight shift in how i perceive this world and my life. i’m pretty much banking on reincarnation because i fuuuuucked up a lot already.
2 - 24 - 2019
nobody Feb 2
i’ve made it to 24 momma,
2 - 2 - 19
nobody Jan 26
the door in my old room. the one with light blue sky and clouds painted over every inch of the walls. the two window sills in my room, with the dirt from when i’d go in and out of them. my ceiling from which i hung wind chimes. my bunk bed that had alllllll my stuffed animals on the top bunk. with a book called the anybodies (my favorite as a kid) to read on the top bunk with the fan on. anyway,
the door in my old room. i wasn’t allowed to close it, so i almost never did. but when i did, it was so I could write and draw on the white backside. my teenage poetry. pure, ****** poetry.
well i wonder if it’s all still there.
nostalgia is a slow, everlasting-like ******. a guaranteed good feeling. because i feel just enough sorrow that it’s the really good feeling pain because also, i’m happy as if i’m happy crying. if that makes sense
“i know it well” blood bank
momma, i miss you. i feel you. i only wish to ever be enough, and to be a good person.
even the best of us aren’t perfect hm?
my old door was cool. i miss some of those times. i feel like thinking about the lyric “hearts are broken every day.” has been messing with me lately. heartbreak (don’t judge me aight) reminds me that i am human. heartbreak makes me feel mortal in a way few things can. so what is the point of my life when i already know such heartbreak, it’s impacted me a lot, but it is simultaneously an every single day, multiple times per second occurrence. very common. very common **** my ****. that **** hurts in a good way you feel me?
1 - 26 - 19
nobody Jan 26
it’s saturday, my 24th birthday is in exactly one week. that’s so  crazy. today i sang “somewhere over the rainbow” at a family funeral. it was one of the most peaceful funerals i’ve been to. i’m getting over a sickness right now and i’m starting to not feel as ****** even though it’s so weird.. my hearing is as if i have my ears plugged with my fingers and i’m talking aloud. all i can hear clearly is my voice, everything else is muffled. just a lot of sinus pressure, but i’m def over the worst of this particular virus. it was nice seeing and sitting next to my twin today. i took him home on my way home and saw where he’s living so that was also good. my favorite band weezer released a new teal album that’s composed of covers of many different classic, very recognizable, tracks. i love it of course. work is all right, but i can feel myself getting bored. perhaps it’s myself getting through this winter. this winter has been a little too long for my liking. even though the spring brings allergies, it brings SUN. and while i would prefer to be cold than hot... the sun brightens my heart and soul. and while i love all of earth’s creatures... i stand by 100% death to all mosquitoes. but who doesn’t love some allergy pills, h2o, and a lil mosquito repellant. oh! and chapstick. i’ll be house sitting in sugarhouse before my birthday, then finishing house sitting on my b day. then flying to ohio with mcd for his older brother’s wedding. then coming home on the 11th to chill before returning to work on tuesday. i think so, yeah...
my three beautiful kits are perfect as usual. tonight it’ll be a fun night with the bf and our friends playing vid games and sipping wine. before yet another work week. i still talk to my mom and dad every day, usually on my way to or from work. anyway. nap time.
1 - 26 - 19
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