I feel everything and nothing at once and I can’t tell if that’s good or bad. There’s no facade put in place, my heart is on my sleeve and there’s only one thing to say. In eighteen years of living, death has taught me one thing. Time is precious and fickle. She is a force of uncertainty that which everyone uses for clarity, but dear there is no clarity in the unknown.
At a feeble age of eleven I lost a friend who we thought we’d all grow with. At age sixteen I almost lost my own life. And finally, at age eighteen my family was told my mother may have five years left.
Time is a cruel placebo effect. She waits for no one and whilst one may think the time isn’t now but maybe in the future, you have to realize there may not be a future.
What happens before now doesn’t exist. It does not exist in our reality. It will never exist until it happens but then the present becomes the past. Why wait for something you want?
Why say goodbye to something you don’t want to lose?

The tangible entity of consciousness is fleeting
Scene:
A elegant party but not quite extravagant
Clinking wine glasses echo through transparent walls
Twenty-two hundred lulls over the city like that of a shadow
This isn’t an ungodly hour nor is this a typical night
It starts when She enters in a red gown that elongates her figure
A pianist smirks in the corner — a grin that’s almost sinister
The clinking of wine glasses abruptly stops when its replacement of grim notes fills the glass house
The attendants still seem cheerful
(How peculiar?)
A stranger pulls her into a waltz but his eyes look hauntingly familiar
Unbenounced to her, He too dances with a stranger
Both on separate sides of the glass room
Both dancing with the unknown
Yet each pair seems to recognize some prominent feature
Nostalgic for what has never been
(How do you preserve a memory in reality?)
Through the glass house mirrors sit in obscure angles
One could see that within each reflection He and She were projected into the other room
Each glance towards the mirrors posed no questions
For both pairs seemed identical
Now their lives may have been content in accepting this dance with a “stranger” I suppose
But that was not the plan of this party
For guests grew tired of sipping on Beaujolais and listening to solem tunes
The pianist presented a different song, more lively yet equally eerie
Their feet paced with the new rhythm which called for a spin
(An act as dramatic as such was only proper for the scene)
With a grand gesture She turns, finally seeing the glass barriers
And for the first time that night He and She were face to face
A perfect dilemma to entertain an audience
In a frenzy She tried to speak
“I love you”
“I love you”
“I love you”
But each plea for affection deemed futile
For the grin on His face became that of the pianist
Her emotions were a downward spiral of gray shaded confusion
And with a sinister laugh He (or he) smashed the glass, shredding all source of reality
He was the hallucinogen and She was angry at him for making Her feel
And each guest cheered “bravo” demanding an encore
But this tragedy, dear friends, has come to the end
She’ll never know how the stars look where he is
(Is such a loss truly a loss?)

You brought up the past by digging up my grave
And as the broken sleep tonight
I’ll remember vividly the excruciating pain of your touch
Like knives leaving a whisper, a secret no longer kept
And I fall further and further
Back to relapsing agony

There was a woman who sat alone
Pondering whether or not she will fill anyone
Would each breath she takes becomes anew to another?
The glass now becomes half empty, as a pessimist would see
For fulfillment is unachieved wholly by the dependant party
There was a woman who sat alone
Trying to morph her skin to fit the vase for his flowers
An exquisite art piece made for a girl
Quite younger and prettier than her
“I’ll be anything”  
“I’ll be anyone”
As long as the taste of love falls from his lips to hers
But you can’t ever look past yourself, not with the way you felt
There was a woman who sat alone
Pondering whether or not she will fill anyone
And with that a man sat next to her
Glass half full
Now this isn’t a story of romance, or desire
Rather the pursuit of self happiness
For the sun already showed itself through each others beings
But together they became a galaxy
We aren’t giving up until we’re free
We aren’t giving up until we’re free
Tis not a dream like sleep,
You’re a tangible human in an endeavor to live
And I, in an endeavor to live alongside you
“It’s a beautiful sight to see you alive”

I fell asleep in your arms again today
It was a grave of roots hugging my decaying body
And there was peace within your heartbeat
A reminder that death does not mean the end
Rather a beginning to solitude
I’m sorry
I love you

The resentment against tempestuous beings no longer humble me
For I myself have become self deprecating
A suicide note long past signed
Yet it remains caught between my love letters
There doesn't seem to be a difference between them
My soul was sold to keep you, my old love
You gave me a smile in exchange for my tears
Agonizing weeks of backwards self recovery
Each breakdown worse than the last
I gave you my heart when it almost lost its rhythm
Yet that still wasn't enough

The resentment against tempestuous beings no longer humble me
For this jealousy of the world seems to engulf my being
And I lay on a crucifix with your name engraved in my spine

The wooden floorboards no longer speak
Dust no longer resides in the air; a cleaner breath to breath
Though cracks still remain as a reminisce of the past
A past that no longer exists, not really
The old swing on the old front porch still sways
Where I used to sit and think alone

This isolated path of self discovery
It came to an end not too long ago
My house was rearranged
Books placed neatly on the shelves
Furniture were placed in an order peculiar to me

I’d call this feeling exhilarance
Or serendipity if you prefer

You moved into my hollowed walls
As if spring came for a second time
Everything is renewed, my dear
You made this house my home

Most days I want to disappear into oblivion
I'll let my existence reside
in the corner of the classroom
Where no one seems to notice
and there will be peace
Peace and quiet

Tell me who I'm meant to be
Because as of now I'm just a moth drawn to light
A moth drawn to the golden glow of their aura
An inspiration that lies somewhere between the gods i don't believe in and the unattainable sensation of perfection
This fixation on beauty ever out of reach
To be the soft crackle on vinyl
Or a warm smile to a stranger
What is my place in this barren world?
The eerie glowing of the moon or the golden rays of the sun shining in the bedroom of your loved one
Tell me who i'm meant to be because the old me is dead and the new me hasn't been born yet

Remember when i was young?
Left alone in the night
Rain pattering upon the rooftops
I screamed against the wind
"Oh god, if you exist give me some sort of comfort"
My protector is drowned in hard liquor
Angry at the world
And to this day
I can hear your shouts of rage in the thunder
And to this day
our malevolence is traumatizing
I cant sleep without some sort of recollection of your hands around my throat
A makeshift noose
You were so desperate to make me your dream daughter
that you were willing to **** the one you already had
I know father
I was formed of false love
A spitting image of my mother
Everything you hate
and wish to give back to hell
I know father
You cant force love upon the waste of breath you see me as
Your constant reminder that you were never good enough
My wasted life is spent learning more on how to forgive myself for ever loving you
Than how to forgive you for ever hating me

The first night I entered you greeted me with a smile
I was shaking and tired from staying three hours in the ER
You asked me what was wrong and I told you that I was fixing my posture,
but we both know that wasn't true
The bugs were crawling in my skin
you could see it too
That first night you gave me my medicine and told me sweet dreams
Not too long later I woke up screaming
The bugs ate my brain, my limbs wouldn't move
You came in and calmed me until the parasites no longer grew

The next evening you greeted me with a smile
I greeted you with tears
I couldn't breathe and didn't want to be here
You told me it was for my own safety and I told you no, here in general
Existing was too agonizing
My soul doesn't have a place in this
barren world
You told me I spoke poetry and asked me if I wrote
so I showed you my secrets
And the silence spread on for eons
As grew my anxiety
Finally you said "you have a gift"
I told you "no I have depression"
Later that night you gave me a stuffed owl and told me happy birthday
That was the first night the bugs kept still

Evening came once again and you greeted me with a smile
I greeted you with an exasperated sigh
You looked at the MMPI test and knew exactly what I meant
I fixed my posture
You knew the bugs were squirming again
I told you they're judging me for the answers that I put
You said it's my mental illness
It's not a part of me
but I refused to believe
Later that night I spilled out my anxiety
and told you the world hated me for the bugs that I carry
There's a leech in my heart and it sinks into anyone who cares
You said I was an inspiration for anyone who's bugs they let die
because even they deserve life too
so I named my leech Hope  

My last night you greeted me with a smile
I greeted you with a parting letter
We sat in the room and you told me not to fear the bugs in my skin
It was a symbolism of thriving life
so I told you about Hope in my heart
You gave me a hug and we joined the others for cards
A game was played and you showed us a cool trick
Laughter filled the room
Our depression was dismissed
and that was the first time I believed in magic
so that was the name of the parasite in my brain

Today I filled a swimming pool with my tears and understood why my depth was only eight feet. I am bounded by this wall called safety and set with rules and regulations on how to use my goods correctly. No matter how many times the rules are intentionally broken the walls still provided boundaries.
Today I filled a swimming pool with my tears and understood why oceans scared the **** out of me. They went on for seemingly forever, engulfing my tears into an endless sea of melancholy. There were no safety barriers added, leaving room for depth and the ability to sink into parts of myself I was too scared to dive in for.
Today I attempted being an ocean by overflowing a swimming pool with my tears and ended up drowning myself instead.