The pounding in my head won't go away,
At first I blamed the alcohol, but I soon realized it was just
you.

when you read this, let this not be a bitter reminder, but a glimpse on who I will be.
This will not be the last you hear from me,
for I'll always be there for you.

I changed and aged into someone better,
not because I chose to, but because I had you in my corner. My life differs than that it was a year ago, and you're to thanks.
Even though we have drifted apart, and the situation we are in will always destroy me in the inside. But I'll still be kicking and screaming, for I am alive.

So when you read this, let this not be a bitter reminder of our times spent together, but a glimpse on who I am, Who I was, and who I will be. And hopefully down the road, this will not be a bitter reminder to me on who we where, what we had, but, hopefully, as I pray everyday, *what we will be..

I add and subtract
+
These problems I am faced with
×
Wishing you where here.
-

I lay here waiting.
Waiting here for you to call.
*Your call never comes.

11/9/2014

Hey Thanks,


Thank you for the long talks on the phone,
Thank you for all those fights and arguments,
Thank you for all those times we yelled and swore at each other,
All those times you said we where done.


Hey Thanks,


Thank You for staying after we fought,
Thank you for never giving up on me when everyone else has,
Even though I'm a big weight to carry.


Hey Thanks,


Thank you for giving me hope,
Thank you for giving me meaning again,
Thank you for making me a better person.


Even though we talk less now,


Hey Thanks,


Thank you for loving me.

Dead conversations fill my phone,
Wondering where all the life went,
Nothing but sadness creeping up my bones,
My heart yearns for the times we have spent.

He's broken, He's a mess, He's got habits that I yearn to detest.        
He's no good, He make poor choices, He failed to hear the voices,
to keep him in line, and in check, to keep him from things that he'd regret.

He's arrogant, he's rude, he's guilt tripping and shrewd.
He smokes and says "He's trying to stop" knowing he could flop,
knowing It would hurt me with every truth he spoke,
I couldn't bear to hear him as he said "Yeah I smoked.."

I gave him lots of chances, as he said he got better,
but his mistakes burned into me, just like hot embers.

He won't leave me alone, even when I ask,
I ask my self, "why is he such a task"
He says he cares, but he fails to see,
the endless amounts of stress he puts on me.

Guilt trips is what he does with unrest,
What is he doing, is this some kind of test?
I'm trying my hardest to see this through,
He says girls like me, are only a few.
He tells me, I made him brand new.



---


She's golden, She's pure, she cares about me and all that I do,
It was her, in which she helped change my view.
But strong I was not, and I soon faltered, Bad habits picked up and her love for me altered.
She's loving, and harsh, did I mention she was most caring?
the way I hurt her was most overbearing,

I tried my hardest , but I would soon be tearing,
our ties in which we held so dear , she's all I care about,
I love her indefinitely, without a doubt.

She forgave me many times but weak I am,
living with regrets, she was the only one who gave a ****.

I slowly gotten better, but that to was slowed down,
as all I ever did, was made her frown.

I won't give up as I tell her each day,
"I'm sorry It was a mistake, please I want you to stay"
Her words cut like knives, as I was soon deprived,
of the one thing I so longed to keep.

She's one of a kind, a really rare lady,
I went to her when I was in need of safety.

She was not afraid to tell me straight up,
that it was bad habits and friends, that I needed to give up.

I continue to work towards gaining her back,
for it was my heart in which she hijacked.

After this poem I'm done for sure,
Because losing you was the cure.

The cure I needed, to finally give it up all those mistakes,
For your absence was enough for me to awake.

I long to hear you voice
So I will prove to you on my choice,
To finally be the person you deserve.


"Yeah..."



*"Yeah..."

We ended things bad,
Can I please go back in time,
To fix things for us.

like a fireplace she gave me a spark, knowing I needed the light.  

Starting as just a ember, I soon became Bright, It was to Her, in which I surrendered.

she watched me patiently, despite the pain on which I brought her, because of the choices I made,  I should have been stronger.  she is always forgiving, and always understanding, no matter who you are, She thought my old activites, where quite bizzare.

I was wreckless, selfish on how I act, She said that  "it was responsibiliy  that I had  lacked". I gave her arrogance, I gave her attitude, I made her worry, she laughed and joked on how this would be a journey.

She looks for answers she could not find above, she give me hope, she gives me meaning, She is Love.

By now I've began to notice, with a small diagnosis, that she begins to cave, because she is human to, she became emotions slave.

I was not the reason, for I know her inside and out, I was by her side, without a doubt.

Wanting to give back that spark she gave me oh so long ago,

I reach out to her, trying to feed her dying flame, It was the constant barrage of feelings that where to blame.

So I sit here trying to rekindle her heart, but with the current obstacles, we slowly drifted apart.

A girl lays in a worn bed. Her beautiful, soft dark brown curls, a mess from the night before.

As she wipes the sleep from her tired eyes, she breathes a melancholy sigh. Her past years has taken a toll on her.
But what she doesn't know is that within the ashes of sadness, when it seems all that is important has burned down in front of her eyes, it only leaves room for a better beginning.

Staring out the window, she notices a couple walking down her street.
She shakes her head, thinking she will never get to experience the strange thing so called "love" due to past memories of guys who never really shown the affection she deserves.

But in the end, it ultimately becomes her decision, if she will reach out to create better memories, for a short time, or a lifetime.

As she gets up from her bed she reaches for her phone and a beautiful, but delicate smile forms on her tired lips, as she gazes on the message she recieved from the night before from a boy whome she met a while ago.


"a girl lays in a worn bed.." She reads.

Metaphorical suicide.

My feelings are as deep as the valleys running across my wrist: Non existent.
Countless heart breaks from a single girl proved to be a likely deterrent.

Old habits die easy with you, causing my fists to turn a dark red hue.
Empty bottles and cigarettes litter the floor, a noose hanging above being the only door so that I will finally soar.
Or dare I ask, and partake in this task which will surely leave me stripped of my sanity.

Watch me load a revolver with a single casing engraved "True Love" .  Look me in the eyes as  I place the barrel of the gun made from the broken memories we shared together unto my chest, and watch as I pull the trigger, causing my metaphorical platter splatter into globs of grey matter.

I lay in my bed sleepless, non  existent lateral lines running up and down my wrists, non existent, yet I still feel the throbbing and the slow spill of everything I ever felt ,drip down into my sides, surrounding me in a puddle of...

Real tears caused by the fears of letting go, or is what surrounds me are all the mistakes I've made, mutated from being left alone with no where else to go, so they make their way to the surface waiting for me to profess all that I've wronged? No. All that would have been too merciful.

Instead you took all of my feelings, my love, my heart, and melted it down into the shape of a metal bat, ironically engraved "tough luck" and proceeded to beat me in.

Not to bad, or painful. But to the point where I feel it, then the pain quickly recedes, like i am stuck in the sand of a island you marooned me on, The acid waves wash over me for a split second, causing pain into my heart, then it's gone. Causing me to forever constantly.

I wear a skull cap to hide the fact that you filled my heads with thoughts of you,
but since you left, you took my ability to perceive the dream I had for us two,
and left a giant hole where my thoughts grew.

Baby girl listen.
Listen as the melodic voices carry into your ears,
Let this blessing come to you, washing out your fears.
Close your eyes, but open your heart and let the words carry into your core.

Pour out your tears while you listen to this score.
Let the music destroy you,
Destroy you in the most beautiful way possible.

Let the music dig up all those feelings you've ran from, and flow through your worn eyes, while I listen as well, my head to the skies.
These songs bury themselves into my very existence, I hope they will soon be part of yours.

Take head in every lyric as they remind you of who you once was,
but in all the same, you still are that same person, only you've hit the 'STOP' button.
So please hear my voice out, as I caress your cheek, and press 'PLAY', for I long to see and hear the day when you've opened your heart to that beautiful Masterpiece, and cried those tears of joy.

These songs are not meant to depress,
But to merely release what has been suppressed.
Please baby girl, trade in your blade,
for a pair of headphones,
And listen to the voices that has played while I prayed.
As the music fades away,
It's clear to you and me,
That our love never dies.

Lyrically lacerated, by the audiological addiction in which I feed,
Those Hazardous Harmonies ring into my waking thoughts,
scared, I am towards my future deeds.
These meaningful melodies tie them selves around my neck, forming knots, with a dark plot  leaving me distraught.

I enjoy the self inflicted pain brought upon my heart when I push play,
wishing to forever be lost in the chorus, I close my eyes and pray,
That the songs on my playlist tell the story of how I lived,
And not at the shiv that I kept hid.

Waste a few brain cells,
To forget about times like this,
Wish love was like *** and would sell,
But today,it's like a hit and miss.

Late-night soliloquys stops me from any having any form of tranquility,
As I search for a safe ability to find any means for stability.