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 Oct 2018 Chloë Fuller
celesti
i wrote you
a letter every day
letters to tell you
just how i feel

written in neat, curved
writing i told you
just how sweet
i thought you were
how you made my heart
glow

letters in which i wrote
with various colors of ink
pouring out my whole being
to you

i wrote you
a letter every day.

i wrote you letters in which
i told you how you made me
bloom.

eventually
i found myself
pressing harder on
the paper
than i had before.

creating tears in them
similar in shape
and size
as the ones
inside of me.

i began to send
letters
with creases
and bumps
and stains
splattered with tears

pouring
from my eyes

as i wrote
the anger
bubbling within me.

my last letter
addressed to you
contained
no words

but was blank.
because
i had none that

could reach
as far

and deep

into the cracks
of my
heart

to describe
just
what you

had left
of me.
a draft i decided to finish because it took a totally different turn than originally intended.
I just wrote half a poem

And deleted every bit of it.


I don't really have anything new to say.

But my heart aches and longs
To give strength and power
To those I cannot physically be there for right now
And my mind longs to wash away all the toxicity
It becomes easier and easier
To face and live my own truth.

Slumping into the quick sand
Of what was and wasn't
Its no surprise he flees before I visit
Its no surprise I mark on a white page
Each day that passes without you
Its no surprise my mind flickers to what you must think or feel
Or that I craft just how to surpass
----------just like these dashes----------
Or that no one really can blame me
I could write or type or paint my face
With the word "Free" a thousand ******* times
Or "****"
Or
Flame
But its me thats gotta be--believe it, see it


I was feelin' a lil blue
Blue about not bein' there
Handin' out menus to fat babies and mothers
Fathers that glance at me from corners
But wet fire from my mouth and sweet revenge
Everyone in big cities is so ******' selfish
But, but, but
Me--filled with love and joy
Palettes of paint
Make me dance on into this Saturday
Living breathing my own truth
Night.
Smelling just you, smelling just like me
Unity, combined
Sweat, love, tears
Pointed and secreted into released endorphins
2 times, 4 times, 7, you said with a smile
I don't turn on any lamp today in my room
The sun giving me plenty and shining in my face.

Crocodile, maybe actually alligator
Sweatshirt, looking just like a 14 year old
Playful blonde haired boy
Your long board still in my room
I explain by not explaining
I cannot torture or stress over our complexities
But just like a little movie
I sat in the dark of your bedroom
Only a white crop top, black lace stockings
White see through *******
On my knees, I wound the swan music box
I watched it twirl and hum a slight lament
The dark coldness of The Lost Boys basement
And wondered why it is what it is.

So much love, so much connection
You wrap your arms around me just like
Just like
Falling asleep in your white tennis shoes
I'm there for you, I'm so there for you
Tears welling up in the line of the night club
"Baby its okay. Don't go"
You said, your little boy face
Blotchy from redness
My fringed skirt getting so much attention
So much attention
But you grab me and twirl me away from danger.

Is that maybe what it is?
Are we meant to be that
Rolling around in our own dust
Philadelphia baseball cap
We then twirled and watched the swan music box
Together, our own secrets, images
Floating and dancing
Together but so separate.

I fell asleep last night so deeply
Thinking and repeating, I don't mind
I don't mind, I don't mind
I know no one will ever mean what I mean
Despite kisses, dates, or ***
Romance has drained you
You can't be what you were for me
Any time soon.

No one gets it.
No one understands the attraction, affection
I'm the most real with myself
In complete solitude.

"We never know when we will see each other next."
I worked it out through foreshadowing tears
Knowing it would take 5 years for you to get there
As we play, jump, and skip through bed sheets
Be my sweet sweet sweet
Friend.

In time.
Our palms match and mismatch
You touch me like I was never gone
I stand next to you like you never wounded me
With our Ninja Turtle marks
And my never ending sighs
We will
I will
Figure it out in time.

But its like
Are we waiting, hurting
You buy tickets for July
Lets not feel pain
Lets not wound with licks and deceit
Spring has sprung I want to think
I redefine and try to control my life
But I let it go into the sun, the wind
I don't have the answers
I never seem to.
My nose expecting and surprised
But its not really for me
But its 6am
And you beg me to lie next to you.

I love you.
My God, I love you so ******* much
Through all the strife, fantasies, lies
I love you.
I would do anything for you.
And I could or would write the word "but" right now
No need. No need.
I live and I live, without expectation


Giving myself over to me.
Cam corder fresh in wet palms
Defining sexuality, freedom
So little. So young.

Hit record, lets dance.

Brown lipstick mouthes
Lets be so grown up
You probably played with legos
I just wanted to kiss all the boys
Run in the fancy woods barefoot
Red Jetta as I got older
I still find myself lying next to men
Casting spells.

Free coffee at an interview
I've got 20 dollars to my name
What glamour, what glamour.

I wrap all my ex-boyfriends in copper spiderwebs
Chucking them through hoops of fire
Only to watch them drown at the bottom
Of cold Lake Michigan.

A couple cuddles with no hours ticking by
A few feet away from me
"Real Deal"
"Real Deal"
"You're the Real Deal"
A boy said to me last night
A legacy, I've got one he said
Everything is stupid
Everything is beautiful.

This song makes me feel like a rebellious teen again
Breaking through windows
Texting my child hood crush
I didn't know how the hell to wear black eyeliner
I lined and lined and over drew my eyes
The darker the better I thought
Alcohol poisoning, Alabama sunshine
Drunk driving on the weekends
I'm 18 I swear
A girlfriend and I lied, bathing together
In sensual forbidden fruit.

Dating apps, meeting in person
Everyone got somethin' to ******' say
I could dive off of this balcony right next to me

SPLAT.
Pink and purple paint
Would cover the room
Red and emerald green
Rising from the ashes.

Billboards selling us
Selling us all
Loud music echoing through my girlhood ceiling
Not much has really changed.
Fake plastic beads endow my wrist
Mascara-less lashes, lamp crown on my head
One of the tallest girls in the room.

I've got so much going for me
I've got the world at my finger tips
But my heart aches and whispers your name
Still today.

I thought, lets all be real cool
Like, drink that whiskey up
Fill up our tombs
You can't respond back to that text message picture
I thought we might bond over how I look
But you chose not to reply.

Technology is an angel and a demon
Appearing like vignettes on my shoulders
Too proud to seek out
But falling asleep in false lashes on my bed
Reminds me of all the times I waited in lingerie
And the Betrayer chose NYC, instead.

"I wouldn't have it any other way."
The Betrayer said, his grin must have been filled
With diamonds and mice
Building mines within those rigged white teeth
Blue eyes so dangerous, I drown myself any time
I ask for him to lick my blood
But I'll be in New York City so soon
Perhaps we will have those intense
Fleeting moments
Of laughing in the streets, holding each other
Laughing like Goose & Duck
So very in love
Tie me up and cut me up just like you use to
But its me that does the leaving in the end
But you predicted we had this 3 more times
In our future
Maybe I need to spice up the pain I've felt in Chicago.

*******.
I'd never been told such a thing till
Peter Pan with his ringlets of flowers
And lemon orange filled lies covered in dust
Pointed it out, just like all of the thousands of times
He made me feel insignificant.

Its amazing how another human being can have the power
To do such a thing
I drink coffee in bed this morning
My face becomes my business card
Going on dates with interesting
But the wrong men
For now, I look down at my invisible clock
In order to represent the urgency of time
But the mundane invisible quality to it all
My God, I miss Philadelphia.

What an easier time that all was
As I bebopped around the corners of the city
There were only so many places to go,
Only so many people to see
My little apartment now belongs to another element
Of the harmful and heartbreaking past
Will I ever fully recover?

A gluten for punishment
I get so caught up in the pain, the heartbreak
Imaginative, paranoid, sensitive
Its what makes me a true artist
Many exclaim
But I take apart the pieces
The confetti filled feelings
Examine them, order a slice of pie to go
And I know I've gotta dance in the forest like fire
Even if we didn't get to that take.

I want so much more
Than you could
Than any of you could ever
Ever did
Give me.
But just like that I remember the big sweaters
My hair black, that Halloween show
I feel like I have spent my life sad about some man.

But I have these moments
Where I think, surely he is going through the same
If not much worse
And I do think thats true
As Peter Pan scrapes and grapples past the memories of me
Moments of wanting to be good he shows
But he will always choose
He always did
The option that makes me feel the most alone.

So I let him.
As other women around me are less strong
Less brave with their supposed convictions
I don't judge, but I recognize
The cave of lost love is a maze
At some points in life you might be brave enough
To leap in and leap out
But Peter Pan,
You have found yourself a spot
Gutted it, stuffed it with Winnie The Poo & Ninja Turtle
Colored it with silly string and batches of *****
And its me now that has to walk out
Without looking back
At the world I can shake hands with
But not dwell.
Ice cubes in white wine
My life changing and evolving
Constantly, constantly.

Tonight as I smeared my lips
Painted my eyes
A big southern mosquito flew above my head
Landed right on my mirror
Taunting me, ******* my blood
I carefully, but also with a rush of mess
Splashed it at first with water from my glass
As it flew, spun around my head
Laughing and buzzing at me
All I saw was your face, your eyes
All the lies and cheating
You falling asleep in your Peter Pan den.

I became more violent
In  my battle with the mosquito
Splashing water around my bathroom
My make up freshly out on the counter
You flew, whizzed, pondering tactics
But I knew, I know
I'm smarter, wiser, braver, faster
Than you.

At last, water all over the mirror
Like strips of gum
With one single slap of my hand
Flashing back to when you broke the news to me
It felt so good, so right
To see your face go back with redness
For you to see what you had done.
You and the mosquito were never any match
For me.
Palm down on the green wall
I wondered at first--did I get it?
I brought my hand down
Covered in water and possible victory

And then I washed your scrawny
****** and taunting limbs
From my fingers.
Toothpaste on my tired,
Tiered--you would incorrectly spell--
Weary face
I think to myself, laughing
You move and breathe
Like a little dancing monkey
Pulling my pigtails, legs back
Don't be timid baby.

Tears early morning, so soon
Cuddling alone, I've known it so well
I place mirrors on the tips of my fingers
Paint portraits of the moon in me
If it meant we could be a we
A we with you.

I love you
You say your voice strong, fearful
As a pout takes over my lips
There just never seems to be enough time
For me and you.

I would wake up at 6AM
If it meant, I could be a we with you
But you are right,
I dance my own dance
I always have
But there is room next to me
For only you.

Towering in steel toe combat boots
Or the **** heels I bought just for you
I wanna cut and slice my hair
But the boys all got something to say
The nerve, the nerve my feminine drunken voice
Wails but you gotta know the answer
You wanna know all my secret thoughts
Behind my knowing and calculating eyes
Maybe then, maybe then you could
Pinpoint me with simple answers
But I'll never be a riddle to figure out.

Catharsis, an entity I breathe and long for
This male filmmaker can't seem to remember
To follow through with his word
While every woman in the room
Turns to see my response, waiting for me to stand up
But sometimes,
I don't want to stand up
I have stood up alone, sat next to empty chairs
For a very long time now.
A sadness at acknowledging the emptiness in front of me
Next to me
But you

You.
With your quick steps and repetitive fluid movements
You challenge me and keep me addressed
Your meaningful and talk of eternal worlds
We watch ourselves through a plethora of others eyes
But you are right,
At the end of the day
Its just you and me.

I don't really know what else to say
A hiatus and whirlwind of adjusting
I was bound to get thrown in the dust
Of the Windy City
But as I do,
Limb by limb, I heave and pick myself back up


Your hand outreached to me.
Slices of open wounds
But we know we have to dance against
Tingling whispering sensation
Clean damp hands bow, and twirl
Feathers of lemon lipstick marks
As we close the closet of our past.

Kitchen sink, naked windows
Stare lovingly at me, as I try to release into
Happiness, panting joy, but my deep dark head
Would rather photograph daises
Unearthed with the ring finger of my hand.

If my dress were to slip, rip
Lick the insides of your skin
Could we always be faithful to each other then?
You long for my finger tips--in, in, in
In the ripples of your chest hair
Pig tails and knee high socks
I've been a very, very bad girl.

Hear your voice sound and ring
I play games with one blink
15 days.

Blow up mattress and dishes not my own,
I clean and wipe ants off of my glowing screen
"Always so poetic my love."
If I could chisel a 3D painting for you
Of all the words I feel for you, for the hope
I would do it with the strongest of brushes.
The sound of hearing you say bye
But I shut my computer before I could really hear it
You wanted to tell me things could have been different
But you really only broke my spirit.

One moment, relieved to be free
The next I wonder if I have made a mistake
But all those that love me and surround me
They say: No, no no no you deserve to not be treated this way.

Heart shaped earring a piercing moment
Gonna stop looking and searching, waiting
Still recovering, hurting
When will a man treat me with some real respect?

I see women taking over the world, subtle
Soft
I don't know whats gotta change,
But I help lead the rampage.

Second home, ocean waves
Only a few more days, back to the city I will go
I always return, iron embedded in my skin.

Memorable words, I said to you
I always wondered if you would end up being a mirage
The poetry, I wrote you
Teeth biting into what I thought you were
I had to be so wrong again.

Still moving past sighs,
A rude moment in public
Confrontation as women get paid to shake their *****
I just wish, God I just wish
We could dance in a club
As Beyonce drops it all down around us
With no expectation.

Thats what I wanna do
And thats who I am
So no, you can't just keep me as
A little hot picture
When I don't belong in your arms.

Working past it, can't help but remember
How you all would dote
But now I click "off" on the remote

Swaying, twisting, leaping, twirling
The sound of possibility.
Little old puppy dog
Had a seizure this morning, Mama
Wants to go see Cinderella
But I know I would rather be high
Cuz' I'm gonna criticize
Same ole story, same ole tune
Another white woman, turned away from the ball.

I'm not interested in whats easy or available
I'm not captivated by stories that have been told
I wanna yawn all day long when my feet don't carry me
Lets examine self worth and our reactions
To the door slamming shut
A thousand and one times.

Cucumber slices with avocado juices
Little brother writes a 7 page paper
I can give you advice on how to fundraise
Hold events, tweet
But I ******* hate twitter.

Young in party dresses
Searching for the golden easter egg
Anna & I, I remember when I opened the closet
Of the Southern mansion
I believed so furiously in everything:
Santa Claus, The Tooth Fairy, The Easter Bunny
As the door creaked and groaned open
Mighty white doors echoing and laughing

A pink bunny suit, no skin or face
To fit the mold, shaking and hugging children
It looked so very lonely, in that little closet.
I think we squealed? Maybe screamed?
Actually, we might have just been silent.
A mystery we wanted to determine
Little white mary janes
Just wanting to find the golden egg
And we did, as we did, every year.

Brushing heavy fur and twisting my braids
Sleep never felt harder to step out of
Expiration dates and changing city locations
I hope you wear your tie and remember my eyes
The way he--described, I remember today
Staring at the words painted on the wall
I had forgotten till just then
But style admired, hopes for a brighter tomorrow
My bones flourish.

Detoxing and processing
Vividly weird dreams, can't remember them
Childhood love a bottle of wine in the grass
I just wanna play.

I just wanna twirl in my party dress
White mary janes
Know that the Easter Bunny is fake
Maybe, I'm the golden egg.
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