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Feb 2020 · 187
I Can Not
Bella Feb 2020
I am trying so hard
to not let you
let this
be a toxic relationship.

And that

Should not be my responsibility


I don't want to tug-of-war
over weather I should just
be your girlfriend
or if I should be your mother

You don't need another mother
You have the right to do what you want
when you want
Because you're an adult

But I can not let you
use me
As an excuse
to let yourself go

I can not let you
Let this relationship become toxic

I wish that I could
And I've honestly tried
But for me to just watch you ignore your priorities
in order to spend time with me
or goof off next to me
If I could do that
if I could just let you do that
That would mean I did not love you

Because for me
Love is complete care for the other person
love means I care about your mental health and your sleep schedule and your grades and your work
because love to me means
that every aspect of your health and well-being is my top priority

So as much as I want
to let you worry about yourself in your own time
I can't!

I can't talk to you at 11:30 p.m. when you have an essay due at midnight

I can't sit next to you while we study
if I know
you'll spend that whole time trying to get my attention

I can't let you sleep over
when I watch you play on your phone for the two hours we set aside for studying
and you have a test tomorrow

Because I can't love you
And not care for you...

If what you want
Is a relationship
that will distract you from all of your other priorities
You should be with someone else

You should not date me
I can not give that to you
I can not
And I will not
Be a part of a toxic relationship
Whether it is toxic to me or to you.

The kind of relationship I can have
is one where we help each other get through our day
and get through our tasks
and when the day is over
we can escape with each other
-to each other-
to our own little world
Dec 2019 · 1.7k
Grandma says
Bella Dec 2019
(Meant to be read in the voice of a child)
Grandma says, that she grew up in the water
She says that she lived on the edge of a place called Myrtle Beach
That she could drive 15 minutes and then jump into the sea

She says- that the smell of sea salt and seagrass is the smell of home
And that she can still hear the sounds of crashing waves on an empty beach
She says that the best feeling was sinking under a wave and watching the crisp clear current pull the water over her--

I told her that I went to a beach too!
Momma took me back to where she used to live
To get to the beach we had to cross two bigggg rivers
Grandma said that one of those was a creek when she was my age.
That men dug the other-- by hand a long time ago 90 feet across
But they are much bigger now!

I told Grandma that when I got to the beach, there were a bunch of buildings, right there in the water
I said it was silly of people to leave buildings in the water like that.

I asked-- if we tried to keep those buildings out of the water
And she said no...

I asked-- if we knew they were gonna get so wet
Grandma said-- that we knew since the 1950’s
She told me about a scientist named Edward Teller
Who gave a big speech to the important people
He predicted the future in 1959
And told them the ice was going to melt.

I asked why we let it melt...
and then grandma got real quiet...


...I’ve-- seen pictures of the ice in school.
--We learned about polar bears and penguins
We even went to visit them in the zoo
My teacher said they only live in zoos now.

We-learned-about-coral-too!
We learned-- that they are animals that look
kind-of like rocks
-Or like plants!
-Or like jellyfish!
We learned that fish like to live there-
Fish like the ones in NEMO!
My teacher said there’s not much coral left...

I asked--
why the coral at the aquarium
didn’t look all bright and colorful like the movies
I asked-- why there were no Nemo’s in the aquarium
I asked-- what that big ocean current was called
I asked-- if sea turtles still ride in the E..ast Austra...lian current

She said that the Clown fish died when the coral was bleached
-And there aren’t many sea turtles
-And there is no more current
-Because the waters are too warm

I asked how the water got so warm,
I asked-- Who Did It!
She said Everyone
And I didn’t understand that

I asked grandma if she did it!
She said yes-I said How

She said every time she drove her car
And every time she flew on an airplane
And every time she used a plastic cup
She released carbon into the environment

I asked how all those things made carbon
She said that carbon comes from burning things
She said that we burn things to make energy

I asked if we could make good energy
She said that we can
We can use water, wind, and sunlight to make
~Clean~ energy

I asked if we made clean energy
Grandma said that only 15% of our energy was clean

I asked how carbon made the water hot
Grandma told me that when carbon goes into the air
It traps heat near the earth
Kind-of like a blanket
And it makes the air warmer

She said that the ocean
and the ocean animals
try really hard to absorb the carbon,
But too much carbon is bad for them

I asked why it was so bad
She said that carbon was an acid
~like lemons~
And when the ocean absorbs the carbon,
The ocean becomes more aaa-cidic
And most fish can’t live in a-cidic water


I remember learning that plankton
can’t live in acidic water either
My teacher said that plankton are very important
They make oxygen
And they feed the fishes
I even heard they used to make the water green

I told grandma
about the field trip my class took to the Smithsonian
There was a new shellfish exhibit
The teacher said
that everything in the room was extinct or endangered
There were *****- and oysters- and corals

The sign said that-
“these shells can’t form in acidic water”
I asked the teacher if ***** and oysters and things were important
She said that they were an ess...ential-
Source of food for coastal communities

I asked if they were so ess...ential--
than why didn’t we protect them…

She told me that some people tried to help
She said people talked about it
and bought less plastic
And supported sus...tan...iable companies
She said that there weren’t enough of those people

I asked-- what could have protected them
She said-- that poli...ticians and CEOs could have protected them
She said-- that if there were laws
restricting or banning fossil fuels
Or carbon emissions
We could have kept the ***** alive

I asked why the poli...ticians didn’t make those laws
She said that the poli...ticians were good friends
With the oil companies
She said that if they made those laws
Their friends would lose money

But that doesn’t make sense because-
Grandma told me
We ended up spending more money
Reacting to climate change
Than it would have taken
To prevent climate change.

I just don’t understand so much--
It doesn’t make sense...

Grandma--
I wanna know why there’s more plastic in the ocean than fish
I wanna know why we wear air masks when we go outside
I wanna know why there are so many hurricanes
And fires
And droughts
And floods
I wanna know why your old house is underwater
I wanna know what waves looked like without trash in them
I wanna know why lady liberty is drowning
I wanna know what hawaii was
I wanna know why california is on fire
And why Charleston doesn’t exist
I wanna know why there’s no coral
Or fish
Or pandas
Or tigers
Or butterflies
I wanna know why there are so many wars over food
I wanna know why we’re out of water
I wanna know why there are walls in the ocean
I wanna know why you didn’t listen to the scientists---

I wanna know why you didn’t do anything to fix it!
I thought this was a compelling way to discuss climate change because of the emotional tie. I hopped writing this poem from the voice of a child (and more specifically the future grandchild of mine or of the reader’s) would make the reader think about how their climate impact will affect their own children and children's children. Hopefully this could cause readers who wouldn’t normally be concerned with climate change to empathize with the writing. Using the voice of a child also helped me to tie in so many different topics (because children are so scatterbrained). I hope this is able to reach a larger demographic than the typical climate change essay or journal. (ps. I based this off of 50 years in the future just for reference to accuracy).
Nov 2019 · 124
next to you
Bella Nov 2019
Its strange
I thought I was home

But now I feel like home is curled up next to you
Nov 2019 · 110
home
Bella Nov 2019
I miss your skin on my skin
It feels like home
Nov 2019 · 281
Good night my love
Bella Nov 2019
I can still taste the kisses you left on my lips
Tonight before bed I will pray that they never go away
And I will slip into dream with the memories of today held softly on my tongue
Bella Oct 2019
Death brought my family together
In some ways
We're Kinder to each other
We say I love you more
We talk more

But not about us
Its always about you

It's been a couple of months since the cousins and I have spoken about anything other than the funeral

Where were you when you got the call?
What were you doing?
How did you react?
You thought it was a joke at first?
Really you wanted it to be a joke!

Who did you tell?
How fast did you drive?
What did she look like when you saw her?
Do you remember the last thing she said to you?
Has she said anything to you since--?

Death brought my family together
But not in a way I would like
Oct 2019 · 149
You
Bella Oct 2019
You
Know that you are beautiful!
Sep 2019 · 304
I called my therapist
Bella Sep 2019
I called my therapist to tell her I won't be coming in tomorrow because my dog just died and we grieve and then there's Christmas and my uncle has liver failure and then I find a lump in my breast near my 18th birthday my uncle finds  colon cancer I find out the lump is non-cancerous at the same time my aunt finds out hers is cancerous they removed the cancer spot in her breast my sister start having pain worse than she's ever experienced she's crying everyday the doctors don't know what's wrong with her she's going to doctor after doctor and eventually they say it's a kidney stone and they'll do a sonogram soon the procedure is over everything went well  my aunt also comes out of a checkup with more cancer my sister's perfectly good surgery it's her to excruciating days of pain and she has to have a stent put in my grandma gets extra sick her stent causes her even more pain but she passes the kidney stone and eventually distant comes out my uncle thinks he's going to die but my grandma does instead. everyone Grieves. I prepare for college My uncle still thinks he's dying I go to college orientation my uncle dies that's the story of the last 8 months I'll be at College in a few weeks so will my dead uncle's kid and our other cousin there will be hollow family dinners a shell of a family a shell of a home
Sep 2019 · 201
!
Bella Sep 2019
!
This is a hard stone world that we live in
Where air gets covered up by cement
And bugs get squashed on windshields!
Apr 2019 · 350
Trying
Bella Apr 2019
Trying is the biggest mistake anyone ever made.
Mar 2019 · 339
Bent Over Fowards / Melting
Bella Mar 2019
My head is hitting the ceiling
My spine is bent and my neck is pushing up the tiles on the ceiling as I walk
My body is too tall for me

I, inside my body, sink forward
In agony
In smallness

But my body keeps growing up
And now, I am hungover
My head and my feet both touch the floor like a bent tree

My face is melting onto the ground
Where as my legs are crushing the ceiling
I fold in half at the thighs

And then the knees and then the calves and then the ankles
And now I’m lying face down on the floor
Seeping into the tile.
Feb 2019 · 1.8k
Birthday
Bella Feb 2019
I forgot your birthday, after 9 years.
But you were the one who left in the first place
and I have no reason to forgive.
So I will only continue to forget.
Feb 2019 · 2.1k
Hypo
Bella Feb 2019
I never wonder what it would be like for me to not have my disease
But I do wonder what it would be like to be someone without it

What it would be like to not miss school to see a doctor whose specialty my classmates can't even spell
What it would be like not to take a pill every morning
What it would be like to not face the repercussions of not taking my pill one morning
What it would be like not to pay for the Synthroid
What it would be like to not know anything about it

I think it would be quite ordinary
I think I would be weaker for it
not being able to endure the symptoms
I think I would have less initiative
Not having to take my pill for myself at a young age
I think I would be less curious
Not wanting to know more about myself
I think I'm better off for it

I know more about myself
I know more about the world around me
I know more about perseverance
I know more about medicine
I know more about budgeting
I know more about individuality

I would never want for me to not have my disease
I'm a better person for it
hypothyroidism
Feb 2019 · 183
Death runs in my family
Bella Feb 2019
Death runs in my family,
And it might run in yours

It runs and plays its taunting games-
Tagging passers by

But never staying long enough-
For them to say goodbye

They only suffer In agony
In sickness but not in death

Beware when death runs in your family
For it might run into you next
Jan 2019 · 126
You were... not here
Bella Jan 2019
I wanted you home
for so, long-I wanted you home
and 6 years later you were ready
and it was too late
I asked you to come home before then
because I knew time would get away from us
and it did

you left and you didn't come back
and I went to the funeral
and I asked if God was there
Through all those years of praying
because my prayers didn't do anything
and time ran out
and I was too late
or maybe you were too late--

it was all too late
and I went to your funeral
it was all too late

I woke up
I knew that it wasn't too late
but it also kind of was
you were still alive--

but not here.
This was to my Cousin, when he was in the army
Jan 2019 · 239
Sanity
Bella Jan 2019
I talk a lot about sanity
as if I have any to give
to stretch
as if I want any
But I haven't for a long time

if there's sanity left,
Then where do all of the beautiful people go
The Beautiful World
if I'm normal then what is the joy in staring at a sky for hours
or a person
or a hand

looking into every crack and crevice
for fun
to find the beauty
to find the similarities
the differences
The uniqueness

What’s the point
Of being normal
Jan 2019 · 110
Saying Goodbye
Bella Jan 2019
I don't like saying goodbye

I don't mean-that I don't like saying goodbye-because saying goodbye-means forever

I mean, I don't like saying goodbye-to someone I'm going to see in the morning,
To someone I'm going to text in an hour
Or call in 20 minutes

Because maybe 20 minutes will be forever
when you're alone
when you're empty-handed
and have no hope
Jan 2019 · 345
How do I Explain
Bella Jan 2019
I didn't tell him to stop
I just told him I was going to be late
I didn't mind what he was doing
and some of it was nice
but I figured, I don't want to lie to him
I don't want to fake it
but I don't want to ignore what should be happening right now
so I said I had to leave
and he understood
or he thought he did
he thought I was late
I wasn't.

I just can't do that anymore
it doesn't work
it's not his fault
it's
It's from a while ago
from someone else
and I don't tell anyone
I don't know how to
it's not dinner table conversation
It's not even therapy conversation at my age
Because, I'm my age
Because at my age that shouldn't be a problem
that should be a blessing
at least that's what my parents would say
"maybe then you won't try to do it anymore"

well that's not how it works
I so desperately want it back that I'll do anything for it
it's brought on me boyfriends that I didn't care about
people I thought--
“you might work”
“you might be able to fix this”

the more people I let try the more I understand
So since b and c and d and e... couldn't do it
I know that it's not the person
and since b and d and g couldn't do it
it's not the attraction
and since c and e couldn't do
It- it's not the experience
And because that f and h couldn't do it
it's not the talent

Here's the thing though
I know the issue
I know what it is
I don't know why I can't let go of that issue,
but it doesn't work
Jan 2019 · 827
Silk
Bella Jan 2019
Red silk is not what I'm used to
but it will do instead of Blue

and it feels a little diff-er-ent
and it doesn't hold, onto tears
and the name doesn't ring the same in my ears

For it's not the one my mama made
Out of pajama pants
Bella Jan 2019
"People often are the reason I break down"

"You shouldn't give people the power to control your emotions"

"you arrogant ******* you're a horribly insensitive father"

Push...

(in a loud voice)
"DON'T TALK TO ME THAT WAY! GO TO YOUR ROOM"

"Dad-- don't give me the power to make you angry. Control your own emotions."
"You Ignorant *****"
Jan 2019 · 151
Dear Logan
Bella Jan 2019
Thank you!
You've done so much for me without even noticeing.
To you, I was probably just some girl you didn't want to be rude to,
and that's fine.
Because that's all I needed to be
for you to be what you were to me.

My first girl crush.
My first Butch bubble of an infatuation.
You were one of the best things that could have happened to me,
the first person who was what I wanted.
So all I can say to you is thank you.
Even if you'll never hear it.
Nov 2018 · 276
Red is our favorite color
Bella Nov 2018
The map of our country is stained in cranberry juice
the streets are red with blood
and in the south red flags hang like ignorance
or like all those sentenced the death penalty

isn't red such an American color
Bella Nov 2018
The plush of my ***** waist and thighs attempt to pop every hemline and button in my wardrobe
My body is to Wholesome my flesh is too engulfing
and for this I roll over each elastic and my thighs Bust from my stockings
and my love handles and stomach squeeze over my waistline
and my back and my ******* make Pillsbury roll bra straps
and it looks like there's so much extra meat in too small a sausage tube
and it looks like I just kept blowing into the balloon
and I don't feel too big and I don't feel like my clothes are too small
and my body just doesn't fit in them the way they used to
I feel like how beautiful must I be to have this much extra to give that my stockings can't even hold the juice of my thighs
and my pants spill over with so much good batter
and my back rolls like Silk have the luxury of keeping my back from being straight like a board

for I do not know what I would do with a smaller body
if I could feel my leg bones and see my ribs if there was a gap in between my thighs if my hips protruded taking my pants along with them if my collars made soup bowls.
I dread what I would do with such a hard body how would such hard edges fill out these worshiping stockings
Sep 2018 · 196
Acceptance or depression
Bella Sep 2018
It's a crazy thing
love, fear, instinct, self preservation, human interaction.
I loved you for so long
and the thought of losing you killed me.
I thought, surely,
if you were gone
I wouldn't be able to survive
if you were taken away from me, that is.
But when I chose to leave,
everything becomes okay, for me at least.
you were still gone
but it was my choice
and you don't affect me anymore.
Isn't it so strange
how the simple choice
of you being taken or me letting go
is the difference between acceptance
and depression.
Aug 2018 · 1.1k
Im doing so good
Bella Aug 2018
I'm doing so good
so good
but I know it's just distractions
and what happens when the distractions run out
at what point is getting rid of the bad
by ignoring the bad
a bad thing?

I mean,
it seems good
until you think about it
and I think about it
it's all still there
I just kept tip toeing around triggers in the battlefield of my own mind
and I can't just do nothing
and I can't be alone in the dark

because then I'm not better anymore
and all of that hard work of ignoring and ignoring and distracting and ignoring just crumbles
it all goes to ****
and I'm left sobbing desperately so desperately

so tell me
which is better
being depressed all the time
or distracting myself from my own depression
tiptoeing around my own thoughts and dying a little every time I step on a creaky board

which one is better
Aug 2018 · 596
Hair Cut
Bella Aug 2018
Okay so maybe I did cut my hair because I was depressed
and what's wrong with that if I did
a healthy release right
it's not something that I regretted
and I wasn't crying while I did it so
isn't it a good thing
even if that's all shaving my head did
was get me to stop crying for the 10 minutes it took for me to shave it clean
isn't that a good enough excuse
cuz it's a **** good excuse for me
Bella Jul 2018
Sometimes I get stuck in this state of Darkness
where my eyes can see
but it's like my head is just pitch black
and I almost wish I couldn't see anything,
like I wish I could just curl myself into a ball so tightly that I disappear from space for a while

sometimes I get stuck in this space
and I feel like my tears and my thoughts
are climbing up my esophagus and clogging my throat
blocking my airway
suffocating me from the inside

maybe I never told you I was depressed because who wants to relive that moment
that choking hazard moment of cotton ***** in my throat

maybe I never told you I was depressed because there are no words I can use to describe it that don't transform themselves into their meanings
that don't take over my mind
crawl through my head like little worms
eating away at my brain
my thoughts
my skin

have you ever thought of a traumatic experience and then felt those events happening again
felt the dark hole of life-threatening-trauma attack your mind
Shiver through your body
like it was a demon you let in through a memory-
through a word

maybe I didn't tell you I was depressed
because I wasn't strong enough
my depression fills me to the brim
fills my head and my chest
my arms and my fingers
I can feel it moving through my body
I can feel it expanding and engulfing everything inside of me
every last vein, nerve, *****, and tissue
how can you expect me to have the energy to fight
how can you expect me to have the energy to pick up the phone
to open my mouth
how can you expect me to have energy-to have the courage to utter the words of how I feel
I feel so worthless
in those moments I feel like there's this black whole inside me and it's consuming everything
it's taking everything but my skin
and it disgusts me

can you imagine the feeling,
having something so utterly repulsive on your skin you had to scrape it off immediately
It felt like you needed to be cleansed
like you needed a shower
take that feeling
now imagine it being under your skin
imagine, every muscle ***** vein nerve every cell in your body underneath your epidermis disgusts you
imagine all you wanted to do was to
GET
IT
OFF
and you can't
no matter how hard you try
you can't scrape it off
you can't claw It off

imagine you're scared of spiders
now imagine you're covered in spiders
and someone's holding down your arms
so you can't get them off
imagine them walking on your skin
in your mouth
crawling on your open eyes
in your ears
you're cringing at your own skin
You can feel them going down your throat
Their disgusting tickle in the pit of your stomach
in every crevice of your body
their tunneling under your skin
and you can't get them off
what are you supposed to do
but cry
My best friend's mom who doesn't believe in depression asked why I never told her I was depressed...
Jul 2018 · 370
The tears take me back
Bella Jul 2018
I don't have any pretty song floating around in my head like leftovers from my childhood
but I have Reno

"when I was a baby
my momma told me son
Now always be a good boy
and don't ever play with guns
but I shot a man in Reno
just to watch him die
now when I hear that whistle blowing
I hang my head and cry

now when I was a baby
my mama told me son
now always be a good boy
and don't ever play with guns
but I shot a man in Reno
just to watch him die
now when I hear that whistle blowing
I hang my head and cry"

and I do
I Cry
and I Cry
my tears they take me back to a Time when my daddy sang even when I didn't want him to
My tears they take me back to a Time when everything was peachy
and I didn't have a single worry
I was so free
and I wrote of those x with every new year
I wrote of crying
tears and memories they come together
wrapped in a bow
inseparable
I wrote a song
several years ago I sang

"so dad,
if it's not too much
won't you sing a song
for me
Take out your guitar
I just want to hear your melody"

and I Cry
and I Cry
and the tears take me back
to every song we ever sang
every word or hum mumbled through my lips with eyes closed
deep in the music
like it was the only thing on my mind
every song my dad ever played
strumming his guitar like a harp
and I Cry
and I Cry
and the tears take me back
Jul 2018 · 7.2k
CatCall
Bella Jul 2018
I Send my words hurling into your airway like swords
I bite off your tongue with every sharp response my body conjures
I have every witty comeback on speed dial to drill into your spine
The way your gays drilled into mine Pull old pennies from my pockets and throw them into your eyes
So you may not look at me the way you have for so long
You're are barely worth my pennies anyways
Here's a donation to your sorry ***
How about I grasp your neck, at just the right spot, just hard enough, to crush your voice box
To dwindle your air pipe just a little
So you cannot throw those trash comments at anyone else
How about I crack each of your fingers
Push them deep into your pockets
So that you can't feel anything without remembering me
You look at me like a mannequin in the window of your favorite retail store
You try yo put a price on what I'm worth
Maybe you can try me on
Throw me on the floor
Grab another
How about I tattoo my name on your chest
So that you cannot take off another piece of clothing
Take off another girl
Throw them in the floor
And not remember me
You will never throw me on the floor again
For I am permanently burned into your chest
How about I burn off each hair on your body
One at a time let it Sizzle down and sear the skin
Let each tiny poor feel the pain one at a time over and over and over again
Until you are left, raw

This
Is the day I speak back when you catcall me from across the street
Jul 2018 · 1.3k
Give me pretty
Bella Jul 2018
Give me pretty
give me sunflower dancing
and petals turning
give me
coachella girls

give me pretty
give me layers of long see through skirts
and dresses
and Shaw's

give me pretty
give me dancers without teachers give me dancer with the wind as their muse

give me pretty
give me bouncing
give me everything's spinning
and turning
and lifting
and flying

give me flying
give me eyes closed
head back
arms stretched
fingers reaching

give me pretty
give me white linen pretty
Bella Jul 2018
For my birthday
you bought me my favorite book
That I already had
for your birthday
I bought you
the party

when you met the new boy at school
I told you he wasn't a good guy
you did not listen
when you told me
that the boy I'd known my whole life wasn't a good guy
I list without question

last night
you told me that your mother did not approve of my new haircut
this fact I already knew
last night you told me that you are uncomfortable and ashamed standing next to me
this fact I did not know

8 years ago when I met your parents
I was astonished and ashamed to stand next to them
for they pinned you to the wall like a dartboard
like a piece of meat for their game
they pushed pins in you of self doubt
of self hate
They said to you word I had never heard and adult say to a child before
if they could they would have cut into your flesh themselves
taking razors to every fat cell they did not like
8 years ago I stood up to them
to do what you never could
1 week ago even after you stoped listening to me I stood up to them
I tried as desperately as I could to take away their words

now
I stand here as your own personal dartboard
and because of that
I am now ashamed for you to call yourself my friend
Jun 2018 · 674
A number poem
Bella Jun 2018
I want to write a number poem
So,

1) the number of boys I fallen in love with

2) the number of houses you lived away from me

3) the years it's been since we broke up
I know this isn't how number poems work but let's skip,
to five 5

5) the months we were together

7) the days a week I think of you

how about 12)
the month you broke up with me

21) the day you broke up with me

22) what would have been our 6 months

183) the number of days we were together

1,000,000) the number of times I've come back to you

3,159,353,015) a number I will always remember for you

∞) the amount of people I tried to replace you with

∞) the number of times I've cried over you

∞) the number of people I've dragged into this

∞) the number of poems I've written you
letters I've written you
texts I've written you

∞) the number of hours we spent on the phone

∞) The number I hold in the pit of my stomach because I know it will never be us.
The first number poem I wrote (a while ago)
Jun 2018 · 291
Distractions
Bella Jun 2018
I distract myself
filling time slots and empty Windows
blaring nonsense instead of sitting in deafening silence

I beat at my own skull
pulling my eardrums out like string from my head
watch videos on tying nuces
anything,
to keep me busy
anything,
to keep me from doing the actual hanging

because right now
I'm sitting in silence,
and it's like a timer
it's like I'm just counting the seconds before I start crying
how long can I last?
1 minute,
2,
5
it's a waiting game
so instead
I distract myself
I watch TV
and YouTube
scroll through Instagram and Pinterest until I run out of pictures
I talk to myself
I beat myself until the thoughts go away
or... turn a blind eye,
until I'm so good at pretending that I can pretend they're not even there
until distraction is my second nature
because...
Don't you see?
Can you understand?
It's the only way I can stay alive
Jun 2018 · 414
Long Thinking Girl
Bella Jun 2018
Imagine
blonde ponytail swinging from brunette root
angled in a straight line with her jaw bone
Pouted lips
and manicured eyelashes
layered in dark,
heavy fabrics
to counter her fair skin
and tall golden brown boots

Her hands are heavy
sharp.
Her eyes are tired
her jaw compresses.
Up and down
chewing on gum
she has a few red scars
scattered on her cheeks
like freckles

She's curved
not necessarily slouched
but more like
it's the only way to fit all of her into her chair
her legs are crossed
her earrings dangle
as if in mid-air

She's thinking,
constantly
thinking
This is for Lilly
Jun 2018 · 2.0k
Death Knocks
Bella Jun 2018
Death knocks on the door with flowers
She does not answer

He knocks again
She blocks the door

He shouts her name
She buys a new houses

He comes again
And she builds a Panic Room

He shouts once more
And she locks the Panic door

He breaks into the house
And she blockades the hallway

He rattles the handle
She puts in ear plugs

He kicks and he screams
And she goes to sleep

Alone
In her chamber of solitude
With nothing
And no one
Left
Dreaming peacefully
As he breaks down the door
This is to my grandma
Jun 2018 · 113
Daycare
Bella Jun 2018
I'm restless
and tired
my bones ache
and my head throbs

I feel like energy is still draining from my fingertips
from my elbows
from my back

draining into their grasping
tiny
clammy
hands

I feel like there's not enough energy to lift my eyebrows

my jaw is sore
and my throat is swolen
and there's no more voice left inside me

like they've taken all of it already

my eyelids can't move as much as to blink
they're stuck in a Perpetual state of slightly open
with an unending glare behind your head
through your face
like you were a ghost
A thousand yard stare

there is nothing left of me

but I love the people who took my everything

the tiny
clammy
sirens

and they're not even mine
Working in the child care system
Apr 2018 · 391
Chance
Bella Apr 2018
I never loved you

I never got the chance
To hold your secrets like memories
To hold your skin like it was mine
To take everything you have
So you don’t have to carry the hurt

You never gave me the chance
Apr 2018 · 560
thank you.
Bella Apr 2018
I think sometimes my nose is pulled so high into the air that I am a skyscraper
that my ears hear only Birds
that my skin feels only wind
but my ears
that is not what they hear

they hear
“hey baby”
“****... girl...”
“What u doin all alone”

my skin-
feels their hands
feels their selfish - dominance
their greed, for my, body

so my nose, goes higher up.
while my heart, sinks further down
I cannot ignore their words,
or rather, I should not ignore their words for my own protection
because that makes me feisty
makes me unattractive
makes me stingy
to withhold myself from their, greedy, hands
so I must respond
or at least acknowledge
be confident
be ignorant
pretend you didn't know it was anything more than a compliment
flash them a smile
continue walking

and Oh...
don't forget to say
thank you.
this isn't to say everyone on the streets makes me feel this way, or that there aren't kind/appropriate ways to deliver genuine compliments. It's just to express what I just began to understand about myself to be my second nature.
Apr 2018 · 594
Tears Sting
Bella Apr 2018
Tears sting
like salt water in cuts
or jellyfish tentacles,
like Indian Burns
and peroxide in day old wounds

Tears sting
as they rolled down tender skin
like Marbles in gutters
they’ve stung their way down before
they've eroded the skin away like drops of acid
like sand spurs rolling down my face
Apr 2018 · 152
Normality
Bella Apr 2018
I think there's a point
a line you cross
when your despair becomes normal
and no longer brings tears

and the room becomes empty
and the sounds take over

and your body’s just... there
a pile of Flesh and Bones
like it was thrown together
not pieced together

and the room becomes empty
and the sounds take over
Bella Mar 2018
Women are so beautiful

take a woman down to her skin
and you can trace the lines of her back
like tracing the curves of silken cloth
every dimple
every curve

the crease of the neck
the elegance of the shoulder blades
the rolling divot of the spinal cord
the curve of her sides
the dimples at the bottom of her spine
her hips
that dint that curves around to her inner thighs
her thighs
her knees
her ankles

the feeling of pressing your naked body up to her naked body
your hands on her hips
your palms in her dimples
your chest on her back
chin in her collar
fingers in her pelvic crease
your lips on her neck
her **** fit into your pelvis
your tongue at her jaw line
hands in between her thighs
teeth pulling at her earlobe
fingers on her ****
her *** on your fingers
your leg wrapped around hers
your hand tracing her outline
like rolling hills
soft
and smooth

she's so beautiful
and it's all so perfect
Mar 2018 · 209
Can we agree
Bella Mar 2018
Look
I know this may sound selfish
or childish
irealistic
but I just
Can't
I need you to agree with me right now
to just say yes
say okay
let me do as I wish
Let me put off--
whatever I’m putting off
Please
For a little bit longer

I don’t really know how to explain
Standing in this silent/not silent house
The sounds are almost distant
Like they’re far away
And I feel like there’s just too much going on
Like,
I can’t manage to start anything
cause there’s too much to start

So,
I know it’s hard to
conceive
To understand this request
As more of a mental health need,
But if you could just--
Go along with it
If you could just--
Agree
That would help a lot

So if you wouldn’t mind
Just forgetting whatever you’re asking of me,
just for 20 minutes
Please
and thank you.
Mar 2018 · 1.3k
Prove yourself guilty
Bella Mar 2018
If you take me
if you're so destined to tear into my flesh
to consume what innocence I have left--
take me with an iron fist
take everything I have
everything you want and more
with blunt force
leave me shredded,
shattered
leave me bruised
with permanent scars
beat me until I'm ******
until I'm black and blue
until my bones are crippled
and my skin is sore to the touch
And everyone can see  your marks
all over my body
until you have ripped my insides out like a trophy
until you have destroyed every bit of beauty my body once held--
do this all,
I beg you
so I can show the world what kind of monster you are
take me--  take all of me,
I'm asking for it
I'm asking you, to prove yourself, guilty.
This is a very touchy subject. I don't mean to offend or put down anyone. I don't mean to say this is how everyone or anyone other than me for that matter feels. This is a personal poem that I wrote only to apply to myself. I'm not saying **** or **** culture is good on any way shape or form, I am saying that If This Were Ever to happen to me I would want them to Mark me so bad that there was so much proof on my body that no  police, judge, or outsider could say it wasn't ****.
Mar 2018 · 146
Proof in scars
Bella Mar 2018
Cut my arms
Please
rip into my flesh
like sharks to meet
turn my skin and muscles into shreds
let them dangle from bone
Like scraps for the dogs
tear me apart
leaving scars
wherever you go

because when I come back
when my skin grows again
and my muscles regenerate
I will be stronger
and I will have scars
over my entirety
to prove where I've been
Mar 2018 · 686
I love you...I think
Bella Mar 2018
I love you
I mean, I love the thought of you
The idea of you
The look of you
You

I'm not, in love with you
Not for now
Not yet,
But I want to mumble it under my breath
It just wants to slip through my lips
To fly out
Because,
You mesmerize me
And give me butterflies
And I love you
I really do.
Bella Mar 2018
How to destroy your daughter in 14 easy steps

1
Give her a pretty good childhood
let her fall in love with playing outside
with running and exploring

2
let her fall in love, with a boy
let her see him everyday
let her text him every second
let her love his every movement

3
take him away
ban her from ever seeing him
talking to him
loving him

4
watch her cry--
and pretend it's not your fault

5
take away her outside
she might see him there
take away her exploring
she might find him there
take away her ability to run
she might run, into him

6
tell her ‘you were too young’

7
tell her ‘you were too naive’

8
tell her ‘he wasn't right’

9
tell me I'm old enough to date

10
tell me/ her* she's not allowed to date

11
Wait--

wait for her to fall apart so bad that she doesn't realize she is broken
Wait,
for 3 years
until she asks for therapy

12
pretend like you care

13
pretend like you don't know why this is all happening

14
it doesn't matter what you do next,
she's broken--
I'm broken.
Feb 2018 · 110
Hypocrites
Bella Feb 2018
You Hypocrites

You happily dating for 28 years,
Happily married for 20

You highschool sweethearts,
You childhood lovers

You hypocritical children,
With your hypocritical love,
And your hypocritical happiness

You **** proof of young love,
And young relationships

You
You
You
Tell me that I’m not old enough

You **** hypocrites
Feb 2018 · 118
Shell shocked
Bella Feb 2018
You kissed me,
Harder than you had before

You left my lips
Numb

You squoze me
Buried your head deep in my chest

You left me standing there
Unaware of what just happened

You called me babe
Over and over again like it was a checklist

You left,
Unattached from everything

You said you were sorry
In a useless attempt to pull yourself back to reality

You left me,
Shell shocked

You drove off
Reckless enough to **** yourself

You left me
scared
Jan 2018 · 109
fall
Bella Jan 2018
i never play it too safe
i jump in head first
and hope for wings to sprout

because even if you fail
have you ever seen anything more beautiful
than watching the world
as you fall, infinitely, downwards
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