Sitting here alone with
a deck of cards
makes me wish
i had accepted your offer to learn solitaire
or
that you were here
and we could go to war
or maybe
i could build houses of cards
and we could
rule
a kingdom
together

I wonder:

who you love with all your heart

what you spend your days doing

where you go to relax

when you think of me. if ever.

why i was never important.

how i let you slip away.

i think i know the answers

but i'm not ready to face them

"that's up to you"

"i'm not good at making decisions"

"then i guess it's up to me"

"on second thought-"

There are five stages of grief:

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

01001001 01101101 00100000 01001100 01101111 01110011 01110100

They never tell you about this in books
Or television shows
It's never talked about because
It happens so often
It has just become part of our lives
Getting fired from a job

But what if

The job was that of being a teacher
An English teacher
In a small school
Where every grade had only one class
And
Every one knows
Everyone

What if

You went to that school
And were in that English class
And it was your mom
Your mom was the English teacher

What if

She was great at her job
And she was committed
She was smart
And had amazing lesson plans
And had respect from her students
And actually knew what she was talking about and teaching

What if

One day she comes home crying
Saying she had been fired
And was not given a reason
And it was the middle of the school year
And our class was in the middle of the semester
In the middle of learning about
Her favorite topic
Poetry

What if

This was a true story

What if

I said this was me
Me narrating
Me crying while typing
Salty tears slipping down my face
Me telling myself that

I will not go back to school
I will not go back to school
I will not go back to school
I will not go back to school

And if I have too

I will not speak to anyone

Not my "friends"
Not the teachers
Especially not the principal

What if this was a true story

What if...

ψ ψ̸̖̊͗̉͘̚͘͘ ̴̡̝̥̲͉̫̀̒́̒͐̚ψ̶̘̐͆ ̷̡̡̩͓̣͂̓ψ̶̣̺̲̓̎ ̶̜̱̪̮͓͆͐̔͒̋̚ͅͅ⛥̷̧̨̣͙̮̿̀̽͂͛͒͛̚ͅ ̸̢̢̝̦̠́̒̊̀̅̓̉ψ̵͕̹͇͖͚̹͂̌͆̿́̀͘͝ͅ ̵͇͖̌͛̚͝⛧̸̹̣͑͂͂͆̌̕̕ ̸̧̢̨͉̝̗͉̾̀͐̔̉͊̇͠ͅ⛥̷̧͖͈̹͙̄͋̅͊̏͜͠͠ ̷̯̬͉̪̲̀̽͒̿͘͜⛧̷̡̠̉̑̄͝ ̴̹͎̻͖̌̏̄̅̄͗͝⛧̸̯͈̃̽ͅͅ ̷̢̤̗͊̑̀̏͠⛥̸̘̑̑͋̋͠ ̷̛̛̫̬͇̣̆̄͑́͠☠̶̧̢̨̨͉̩͓͚̀̕̕ ̶̰͈̫͑ͅ⛧̴̯͚͍̜͇̳̫̃̕ ̵̢̛̹̝͕͇̥̽̋̿̀̈́͜⛧̸͚̺̲̀̈́͌ ̴͚̽̓⛧̸͓͚̉̔̆̓̿̕ ̵͉̣̖̞͂͗̂̓͌͘͠I̶̻̦̻̬͈̲͈͋̃́̃
̷̧̛͙͇̲̯͙̮̬̀̌̂͂c̵̘̥̼͓͖͖̲͒̅̽a̴̫̹̝̞͈͈̺͘͠n̶­̧̪̘̮͚̝͍̿̚ͅ'̸̨̮̺͇͚͑͒̔̑͗t̵͙͕̭̹͎̝̜̍͑
̸̞̇̍͂̃s̸̢̪̼̟͖͆̆́̇̊̔̃͝t̸̢̧̃̈̊̓́̕­̞͈̠̜̠̹ǒ̸̡͖͈̣͐́̀͋̃p̴̡̖͉̣̞͍̀̌͠
̴̹͛̂̽g̷̡̮̥̺̺̈́͆́̒̆͘͝l̴̨̯̟̬͗̃͌͆̔̐̔̋͜i­̴̱̬͕̤̩͆̎ţ̸̘͍̬̳͖̭̯̈́͐̀̀̎ċ̸̛̣̑̈́͑͊̀̚ḧ̵̨̢̙͖͚̤͖́͐̈́͝ǐ̴̢̞̱̤̜̣͓͖͑̈́͂n̷̆͗­̡̬̳̬̼͇̪͊g̶̺̗̳̺̫̈́̓̕ ̵͖̀͆͠͠☠̵̤̬̥̐ ̵̣̟̬̀⛥̷̨̣̠̜̿͛̋ ̶̢͇͉͉̭̠͕̉̿̈̌̂͌̍⛧̷͙̦͔̈́̀̄̚̕ ̸͔̖̤̕⛥̸̡͎̣̗̞̊̏̑͜͝͠ ̵͍̩̙̮̱̥͚̈́̈́̌̑̍͋͐̅⛥̷͕̣̬̱̫̃̓͆̽ ̷̹͍͕̙͖̌̃͌̊͜ψ̴̡̹̦̖͕͓̄̕ ̷̬͉͖̻͔̃̈́́͜⛥̴̘̑͒ ̵̮̣̄̈́̈͝⛧̵̪͕̳̞͑͆̀̍̒̀͝ ̸̲̟͎̥͙́̂͑̀͆⛥̴̦͕̤͐̆̒͑ ̷̛̩͗̑͛̇̔́͂☠̴͎͉̩̰̽̇̈́ ̴̮͑͗͌̒͘⛥̵̢͚̺̩̱̥͎̈͒͆͐̒̚͝ ̷̥͕̖̰͇͗͜ψ̷̨̧̣̫̩̙̲̯̄́̔ ̸̡̦̞̤̹́͑̂̌̄͆͝͝☠̷̜̽̅͠ ̷̦̜̽̅͆̍̈͛☠̸̘̞̝͌̄͆̍̉̑ ̶̧̗̩̗͓̠̂̄͛̍ͅ⛥̷̧͚̦̄͊ ̸̳͚̣̓̅́͂̉̉̑̚☠̶̨̛̤̝̞̦̤̤͌͗͊̑̿ ̶̢̝̇̀̓ψ̸̹̜͙̾̒͋ ̸̡̮̮̺̻̜͖̯͐͝⛥̵͕̺͚̊ ̴̢̟̖͎̓̽͊̄⛧̵͇͖͖̗̦̼͎̺̿͗̀͘͠ ̶̮͋͒̇̀̍⛥̸̡̠̯̈́̌̑̈́̊̾͑͝ ̷̡̾͊̑̅̓̌́̐☠̶̧̤̰̙͍̙͕̣͋͂͝͝ ̴̮̰̼͔̬͕͖̰̅̈̈́̏͗ψ̴̥͉̺̲̘͇̳̮̂͆̊͂̾͠ ☠

Our house was
Not really a house
Not to you at least
To you each room was
A whole world
A world that you saved
Or explored
Or destroyed


You created it with
Your mind
And then
Lived
In it

A unique experience
To be a different person
To escape this reality
If only for a few hours


And you never cared
What we thought of you
You never cared about our
Small smiles
And our stares
And our disapproving looks


You were set in that
Time and place
Nothing
Could tear you out
We faded away
Everything faded away
And was replaced with
Anything else
You could dream up

Blues and grays
Greens and pinks
They swirl around them
Shifting and
Spinning
Almost flying as
The two dance

Light touches
Light steps

One
Two
Three

One
Two
Three

A small smile on her lips
It's soft and pink
A flower petal that has fallen
With cloudy sky blues
Upon her body
Placed delicately on her
The sky shifts as she spins
Light gray clouds
Running away

A small smile on her lips
Light pink
A soft cloud at sunset
And sharp greens
Like grass blades
Swaying in the wind
And growing closer
So beautiful

The two flow
Like water in a stream
Smiles coming closer
Mouths moving closer
Sky filled lips
With stars and wind
With rain and storms
And an earth filled gaze
With seeds and flowers
With life and death
And two girls
Dancing
And
Kissing
Twirling calmly
In love

It is not the fear of heights

It is the fear that from them we will

f

   a

     l
      
       l

You're so smiley
I love it


The way your melted brown eyes
Scrunch up and harden into
The missing parts of crescent moons
That glow and sparkle
With a hidden
Magic

The way your round cheeks
Squishy and soft
Grow larger when you
Smile
They seem to fill up with joy

The way your deep red lips
Spread wide
The shade of ripe cherries
And turn slightly upwards to
Show your white teeth
A grin that turns
Icy hearts into
Rivers of fire

That's when it happens
Your whole face radiates
delight
It simply shines with
Your warmth
But

It's gone now

Your beautiful crescent eyes
Drip ocean waves
You can no longer control the tides
And they spill free

Your squishy cheeks are still
Soft but
They seem hollow
Scrubbed clean of any laughter

Your lips are still
The shade of cherries
Nothing can change that
But they are the orange, green shade of
Unripe ones

Where did you go
The one who inspired me
The one who infected me with
Your addicting smile
You left your family

But we have not disowned you
You will forever own a place,
Big or small,
In ours fiery hearts

You sit up on your high perch
Face glowing, so beautifully
We gaze upon your light
Soaking it in and
Hoping to one day reflect it
To copy the moon and
Soon be near you

The tongues of fire worry no one
"We are safe"
They say
"What reason would they have to harm us"
And then stumble blindly towards
What they believe is good

And no,
You are not good
Nor are you bad
You are self centered
And have no awareness for others
Almost as if you
Have your own gravitational pull

And you are not kind
Nor are you cruel
You simply exist
And let the worlds revolve
Around you
Letting people get hurt
And doing nothing about it

For you
There is no good or evil
There is no light or dark
You are the light
You cast no shadow
And you live in the dark
It eats you up

You are unaffected by
Everything
Yet everything
Is effected by you

And everything wants you
So much so that
You implode
Under the pressure
And suddenly
You
Want
E v e r y t h i n g

And no one can resist

I am
A dark sploch
dancing in the
orange glow
wavering, undecided

It is dark
So dark and deep
and I wonder
Why is there only one?
One circle that
fades from a tangerine
to a shade so black
It's the inside of blueberries

I wonder,
Where did the
glowing seeds
disappear to?
Why have they
not replenished our stock,
our sky?
They have been blotted out
By the pumpkin light

I stand in the shine
And I fall in the shine
Just as the bulb
Flickers
and
Dies
and the seeds
appear once more

It was not safe
So carefully laid out
Placed in a pattern
So neatly arranged
And I ruined it

I remember the flow
The way it seeped onto
The white parchment
Dying, staining it
A deep ruby shade of
re-
Black
A deep shade of Black

It shimmered
And seemed to dance when
Reflected by my
Dim lamp
And I was smiling

But the pain of my words
It was what forced me to
Destroy them
My organised statement
Simple, to the point, and
Something I wished to take back

So I did
I took all it back
And because of this my hand
Is soaked in
blo-
Ink
My hand is soaked in ink

And I regret
Nothing

Tap
Tap
Tap

Cold white marble
Shot through with
Streaks of black
And swirls of
Gray
And cemented firmly into it is
Something
It shines as
It catches the
Light

Tap
Tap
Tap

You lead me closer
But to what?
You are dragging me
But to where?
I can't ask
My voice-
My voice

Tap
Tap
Tap

Brown leather
And wooden heels
Scared and old
But beautiful

Tap
Tap
Tap

Is that
Silver?
Steel?
Iron?
What ever it is
It's sharp

Tap
Tap
Tap

Scratchy and tan
The bands chafe against my raw skin
And leave scars
They are bound tight
TOO tight
I'm caught,
Utterly caught

Tap
Tap
Tap

More marble
It's
A table?
No
No
NO

Tap
Tap
Tap

It's an alter
Placed on this cold floor
An now i'm on it
My back pressed against it and
I think
Why

Tap
Tap
Tap

There are words leaving
Your dry lips
They sound quick
They sound red
They end sharply
They sound painful

Tap
Tap
Tap

Your face hangs low
Over mine and it's-
How do I explain?
It's the stars in a forest
Astonishing
You can't believe they exist
There are simply too many,
Too many to be possible
And you wonder how you
Never noticed them before
Never noticed that above you
Those dots
Those specks
Burn hotter than everything
That they burn longer
So much so that we may as well
Be mayfly's
And you are a star
Living longer than me
A star that will burn and
End my li-

Scratch
Scratch
Scratch

Are you
Freeing me?

Scratch
Scratch
Scratch

What-
What are you doing
How did I not see before
It's a knife

Tears
They flow
From my eyes
Or yours
And my thoughts-

End

Today wasn't easy
I thought I saw you
Standing there
Your hair, perfectly combed
Soft and fluffy
I've never touched it
Never felt my thin fingers glide through your
Brown locks
But I can't say
I haven't thought about it


Your face, your beautiful face
Maybe it wasn't, not in your gray eyes
Maybe it wasn't, not in their dull eyes
But in mine
In my eyes
Your face ɢʟᴏᴡs


And the smile upon it
There was a secret dancing on your ᴘᴇᴀᴄʜʏ lips
Something you whispered
Into their ear
I wish I knew
But you were far away
And not just in distance


Your hands
sᴍᴀʟʟ and delicate
I remember comparing them to mine
Our palms pressed together
Yours were ᴛɪɴʏ


Small like a dandelion flower
Fresh from the earth
And soft as the seeds
Before they take to the ᴡɪɴᴅ


And that's what you did
You took to the sky
And didn't look back


I thought I saw you today
Standing there
Like ɴᴏʀᴍᴀʟ
And my heart spun wildly
Like normal
My face heated up
Like normal


But soon it all dropped
Fell to the ground
And I was left
sɪᴍᴘʟʏ wishing that
You were here
And wishing that
My feelings

Were not