It's the twenty-third of the month
She's finally discovered a rhythm through the days
but soon enough, a new month will show
and she knows
once again
she'll have to adjust

That's the way it always is
the way it's always been

adjust for her mother, adjust for her father
and when she met him-
she suspected he would assume the same

but he told her
her attempts weren't good enough
which he must really have meant-
she wasn't good enough

so he left, barely the start of the month
and she spent the days alone
and that's what she is dealing with now
days of the month
forever taunting her

and if she lets a tear slip at night
well that just further proves-
she's deficient

they told her
but she tried not to listen
in hopes they could be wrong
but they've always been *right

'The smoke might burn my lungs
but the feeling is worth it
isn't it?'
she asks me

'because feeling anything
is better than feeling nothing

and watching the clouds beside you'
she reckons 'is better than
thinking of them alone

because I rather feel agony
see despair
wallow in grief
than just sit alone and be numb

uncertainty already took one person from me'
she tells me
then she grabs my hand tight
and she says
'I want to be uncertain together'

and to that
I can't think of a word
but I know pulling her tight
is enough tonight

She doesn't like the way they watch her
they hear her voice
and she can't control the conclusions they come up with
she doesn't like the way her hands shake
how her eyes can't focus

she doesn't like  attention on her

because when she was too young
she had too many people watching her every move
and there were
too many voices
too many conclusions
too many hands guiding her into unfamiliar hugs
and worst of all, her eyes couldn't find him,
because he was gone

You hesitate now
As if my touch could burn you
But you know it won't

I want a father
simple as that

it makes me feel guilty
wanting another man to take your place
but sometimes I think
having a father in my life is the only way
I'm going to feel okay
that maybe with a strong man
in my life
I'll suddenly be confident
and I won't be afraid
of being the last one awake
and I won't be afraid
when another man talks to me

I want a father
it's simple as that

The days are endless
and the pain is permenant
The nights are watching the fan dance on the ceiling
and the tears are flowing

It all started when they poured the anger and the sadness
into my heart
I couldn't tell them to stop, I couldn't do a thing

& it turns out, it was actually cement

And thats when you came along
right there, at the perfect moment,
to walk all over me,
and now my heart bleeds your footprints

& thats the thing about cement
once it hardens
it takes years and constant strength to
crack,
if your lucky.


They tell me
I should be okay
That what they did
shouldn't hurt me in the slightest

Then they tell me my thoughts
are wrongful,
that I should just move on
but I can't grasp what they mean
all I want is someone to drill my
cemented heart to smithereens
then, maybe, I'll be able to sleep again

& maybe I'll be able to feel
that heartbeat
the one they say, makes you a free spirit

For now the endless days carry on
and I'm stuck with a cemented heart
that just won't break.

This whole time I was moving mountains
just so you could smile my way
when you should have done the same for me

This whole time I was painting you in gold
just so everyone would know how special you are
when you should have done the same for me

This whole time I've been planning
just so we both could be happy
and I've failed to see- you're not doing the same

cold bed sheets
late night-dark room
dial tone of your cellphone
it's so clear-

this is the real you
I should have known

vibrant colors
sparkling lights
ground shaking
heart pounding


you appear

why in this chaos

do my eyes focus

locked in my sight
you're all I want

clutch my chest
as if I could do anything
I'm too late
you're here

as if i ever could have done anything
you met me
now everything is history

You might make me feel safe
You might make feel content

but I deserve better,
so much better

I gave you my attention,
I thought of you past midnight in the dark of my room,

and now you've gone back on your word
and all I can think is how ignorant I really am

but

stop it
because I'm not ignorant
I can't let you be the reason I see myself so negatively

you're the one who gave up

I might be left in the dust

but just you wait, I'm going to find the best

tonight
I ache to see you sitting next to me
I yearn to hear your voice
I desperately wish you could make me feel alive

the days are adding up
and they don't stop- for me

you've been gone for decades
and each 10th year mark
I feel like a part of me slips away to

tonight
if just for a few minutes
I want you

If you could make me feel something
I could tuck it away
cherish it forever


but forever,
that's a time
I'll never have with you

every moment, you're gone
you're a memory- one that I can't even remember

I wish I could have you

When I was 8 years old I made my brother mad
He beat me up
Tackled me on the couch
Held me down
I didn’t have the strength to escape him

When I was free I went to my friend’s house
I cried
My friend tried to comfort me
But all I could think
Was how could he lay a hand on me?
I never wanted to go home

Because when I was 8 years old
My brother was 20
He was the oldest guy I loved
The oldest guy I trusted
How could he physically hurt me like that?

I miss sitting beside one another
I'd be studying notes that  took me hours to prepare
and then you'd casually
avert your eyes to my work- wanting to know what exactly I'm studying
You didn't care about the friends behind you
It was me, and it was you

it doesn't matter now

I used to wonder what you thought of
the full page of definitions on the circulatory system
I used to wonder what you thought of me

it doesn't matter now

I wanted you to be intrigued
I wanted you to say something

But, I didn't- I couldn't talk to you
So if I couldn't talk to you, maybe you really didn't
want to talk to me

it doesn't matter now

I wish I had the confidence like some girls do
Maybe something between us
would've happened

but now it's in the past- it doesn't matter now

All I have left are the notes
and the memory

And,
I have to keep refreshing the memory
because I don't want to lose that to
I can't bear to let that (not) matter

you're so many miles away
and all I can think about is
how
by this time next year
some other girl will be your muse

I don't want to give up my title
but
our words linger, far away
and our touches
are a distant dream

I don't want to miss you
because then I have to admit
you've made me feel
something I can't even comprehend

but this is the year
we are free
and we both chose different realities
so far away

You came into my life
took me up the mountain tops

I swore I'd never go
but you're by my side
and I've forgotten how to say no

You came into my life
took me to a secluded place- and asked me why I'm so shy

I swore if someone like you
asked me-
I'd have plenty to say,
but you're touching me,
and I'm scared to move

You came into my life
took everything I thought I knew

I swore I'd never feel this way
but you're still here
and I can't make sense of anything - furthermore

you send me these words
and I hold onto them like rafters
carrying me to land

the cold tides
still
nip at my skin
and the strength you place on me
eventually always diminishes

because the lifeline you throw me
never tells me the direction
doesn't reassure me
I have the strength in myself


my eyes burn
from the unforgiving salt
my arms ache
from the rough waves hugging me close

I can't last forever- out here
with just words.
I need touch
I need direction

help lead me back to land

Eyes are staring
my mind is screaming
all my flaws are on display

but those eyes
their not mocking
their memorizing

they smirk and
they lust to sit beside me,
for their hands to ***** at my flesh

I'm a pretty face
and a decent body

they can't hear the voice inside my mind
or understand the fear
that strangles me

they want action
and if I was alone
I know they would have
taken the lead

because to them- my greatness is

a pretty face
and a decent body

and I can't find someone
who wants my thoughts
before the softness of my skin

You're waiting for their verdict
in mere minutes
you will either smile or cry

In the beginning you had it right
You put so much trust in the people
around you
then  at some point you forgot to trust yourself

You took and you searched
each find for yourself-
was a jab to the weak who depended on you

Now the verdict is called
and silence meets our ears

you know
and I know
life won't be the same

but maybe in some future time
you'll remember to give before you take
and you'll remember to feel for yourself
before you feel for everyone

then you won't depend on a verdict
and a room full of silence

When she was three years old,
they took a hot metal lettering
and placed it against her skin.

She was branded,
labeled for everyone to see.

She whimpered for hours
through the tears and agony,
the word slowly sank in.

Now a man
wants her to trust him.
She hides the word
but she knows he can see.

Its all she's every been,
all she's ever felt,
all she's ever known.

She traces the word,
feels the pain,
as if the steaming metal
was being placed on her flesh
over and over again.

He takes her hand
leads her through the dark.

But in the light
how can she trust him?

She's always going
to be lacking,
always going to be branded
'fatherless'.

I'm scared
And the only way to escape anxiety
is to get rid of the fear.
But I can't,
I'm lacking confidence-
I'm all thoughts but no action.

My father left me
he's gone
I don't know what kind of person he was
I don't know how he would've talked to me
I don't know what his touch would've felt like
I don't know what he would've said to my friends

But I know his absence is the reason
this anxiety lives inside of me

anxiety is not a disease
it is not a condition
it is a feeling

a feeling that can be replaced*

I just wish I overcame it
before it found a comfy
place to call its home

Now I struggle
and old memories
taunt me from afar

Life is moving on
and **** I'm *always scared

I didn't have a voice- theirs were enough
I didn't reach for connections- their touch was enough
I didn't smile at the sun- their happiness took up all of the room
I didn't listen to silly stories- their tales were enough
I was labeled- freak

now their wheeling me away


blue and white lights dance in the street
facing the sky
I listen to their silence- finally
I smile- for myself
I touch my hand to the rhythm of my heart beat- I'm alive
I finally whisper, "I'm free"

he* asked me to remember
but he didn't realize,
our memories are shattered
pieces of glass,
one ***** of the finger- is all it takes
for the blood to show

because he asked
I wanted to

I'd pick up the shards, feel the pain
if only it meant feeling him again

I'd cry, I'd scream, feel the terror
if only it meant never being lonely again

but, I spent months bandaging up
forgetting his silly face

I can't give in

the blackness is demanding
its tearing at my skin
your hand is supposed to be gripping mine
because that's how it goes- how it's meant to be
but you're not here
~
the dark is squeezing, covering my eyes
I can't feel a thing
the air is ricocheting against my throat- it wants out
I've forgotten how to breathe
but, you're not here,
strong arms showing me how it's supposed to go, and gentle touches convincing me it's meant to be
~
darkness is in your place
and every night it returns
reminding me
what we had-
is buried six feet deep with your soul
in a casket, I'll never see
~
and I don't know how it's supposed to go, and I'm not convinced this was meant to be

you don't know the real me
.
.
no one does
and no one will
.
.
I'm always going to hide
I'm always going to lie
.
.
don't waste your time

he grabs my hips- and I'm by his side
he traces my skin- and I'm shrinking inside
he tugs my hair- and I'm convinced this is love
he bites my neck- and I'm high above

purple & dark blue
when I close my eyes,
ache and regret
when I tell them the lies

why did I let him
convince me
he was worth my time

why did I let him
touch me
cold hands marking every inch of me

why did I let him
see me
his crystal blues watching my every move

I'm trying to control the screams
but I'm covering my eyes
I'm trying to keep the tears at bay
but I'm scratching my cheeks
I'm trying to hear you're whispers
but I'm reaching the wrong way

I can't function

you're so close
but I'm so far away

i was crying for one thing
but then the tears wouldn't stop
i was crying for everything around me
and how I could not do a thing, but watch

she asks me how I am doing
but i cant tell her the truth
in those minutes the tears won't show
only a numb smile
with eyes to match

I learned how to frown- in silence
I learned what seeing your mother cry meant- in silence
I learned how to grow up- in silence
I learned to expect nothing but a mother- in silence
I learned speech therapy, I learned art therapy, I learned bribery- all in silence

Now sirens, cheering, yelling
Now bright yellows, tangy oranges, deep reds
All demanding

I’m a fish washed ashore
Hot sand- burning my fins
Bright sun blinding

I never thought they’d expect me to smile
I never thought happiness could affect me
I never thought laughter was real
I never expected to care about a male

And I never assumed, his love for me
Could give me a calm, peaceful silence
So different from everything I believed

When I publish a poem, it’s like climbing that scary mountain. Or finally riding the world’s fastest roller coaster.  All day you've worried about it, but as you walk off, you’re free. You’ve done it. It didn’t **** you. You’re not a mess of tears on the floor. Everything is good. That’s what poetry is. It’s joining a journey last minute and when you catch your breath, you realize, you’re more than just fine. You’re living, and there are no standards. You are the highest level, and whether the people around you climb higher, or travel farther, it doesn’t matter. You’re walking shoes are covered in dirt, and fraying at the soles, and that is more than enough. You and the words you create are more than enough.

she settles in sadness
she breathes in fear

his words are the windows
daring her to find someone near
yet, his hands are the doors
that isolate her from everyone

she lived in sadness
she breathed through fear

in the end
her tears were the structure,
too strong,
for her to disappear

after 14 years
I've never given you up
I need to
move on
I must

if they knew
they'd taunt
say 'what is wrong with you'

I cant
I've tried

hes stuck in my head
the pain- never ending
the questions- building
I'm never going to escape

so ask me who I am
maybe I should tell you, finally

whether he and I knew one other for a full life  or a day
we always will be inseparable

I am my father's daughter

I can't breathe
they're giving me oxygen

my eyes are heavy
they're softly reassuring me

I saw the sun
they told me it'd be the last light I'd see

today
I have your arms around me
your heart beating beside mine
I see more than light

I see a calm
I'd never thought I'd have again

This September
don't wait for my voice
don't watch for my smile
don't anticipate my touch

I'm silent once again

I know you don't understand
but
I don't even have the answers myself

silence is a huge part of me
a shadow, ready to take over

I know you get frustrated
but
save your anger

my silence doesn't need to affect you

... I'm sorry if it does

I don't need to mean anything, especially not to someone special like you.

Your silence does not taunt me anymore

I've learned to listen
not to your words
nor your actions

I listen to chirping birds
and buzzing bumble bees

you're haughty smile does not suffocate me anymore

I've learned to feel
not  your icy touch
nor your forceful grip

I feel the wind in my hair
and the sun dancing on my skin


I don't need your silence
I don't need your arrogant touch
I've learned to live
my soul and nature all in one

I lost my wit
when you stole my words
the smiles seemed enough

now I'm sitting here
alone again
everyone wonders why I'm bitter
every time, your name is on the tip of my tongue
but I spare you, again an again

I gained insecurity
when you left me for the dirt
the silence seems to be all I can handle

White resembles you
Because when I close my eyes, you are not there
White resembles you
Because when I gather the roses, you are not in my hands
White resembles you
Because when I enter the hospital, you are all I can see, all I can hear, all I can feel, all I can remember

I wanna feel normal
content
what I'm supposed to feel - beside you

beside you
shaking
I don't want to feel your rough hands
attacking mine

but, beside you
I do,
and the minutes between your goodbye & your hello
I'm wondering
where I went wrong

and months later
if I'm sitting alone
safe, I'll still feel your strength
terrorizing mine
because you've become
the voice inside my head

beside you
I've lost all control

From this point on
we won't speak again
our eyes dancing across one another-
a distant memory

we won't race
our legs grazing one another-
a feeling so far away

from this point on
I am numb

mornings I will spend
tracing the wall
catching each crack beneath my fingertips,
pondering
how the sunbeams seem to flow over each one

and if a tear falls down my cheek
I'll blame it on the dust
because I'm alone
and I'm perfectly *fine

I've been trying
trying  for so long

you've been crying
I've been screaming
why won't you listen to me
I've been like this for hours

now you're leaving
I can't stand
my legs, rooted to the ground
fog casting my eyes
you're gone

I told you no
no, I will help you
no, I will do everything I can
but you didn't listen

searching, grasping for something,
I remember
the minute our eyes met- they warned me
I thought I could make you listen
but now I'm alone- hoping I can be the one
to hear from you

what they don't see:
your hand entwined with mine,
how alive I am by your side

what they don't hear:
your deep voice, telling me
how strong I really am

what they don't realize:
they've been dreaming
of me, alone and lonely

but I'm the opposite
I've got you,
my secret warrior,
supplying me endorphins
loving me- better than they ever can

we're the victors
of this broken land,
secret warrior and I

My shoulders are tense
hands nervous
silence is air- constant and needed

right now
silence is smog
seizing my lungs
demanding on my eyes

my mind, frantic
tells my eyes not to surrender
amongst this deafing silence
people are all around

I must
relax and breathe
wait,
for sound is invetiable - abrubt but equilibrium
it is true- life is about
the smiles and the frowns

she can't hear a sound
forest green
creatures all around
some run, some climb, some sleep
they come and they go

she huddles against a cave
darkness closing in
she remembers what it used to be

camp forest fire
roasting marshmallows
circle of friends,lovers

they left her- stranded
she was too nice
they were able to walk on top of her
she was too indecisive
they asked for her money and they ran
she was too kind
they took her advice and they made it back

now she sits
all alone
night seeps in
she knows she doesn't have too long
*till she's all gone

It's a mystery to you-
how many moments I spend crying,
seconds closing my eyes,
hoping to disappear

when you call  later
your voice is vivid against the black shadows
of my thoughts

you're a nice friend
asking me how I am.
"I'm fine, I'm always fine"
I say

It's a mystery to you-
how many days I go without company,
hours spent listing my flaws

when you visit later
I'm shocked; You're brighter than I thought

you're a nice friend,
asking me how I am.
"I'm fine, I'm always fine"
I say

and if I see you analyze me
I put on a smile-
*I'm okay, don't you see