Don't tell me you understand
because you don't

at the age of three
you didn't lose your father

spend
countless therapy sessions
with brave smiles
and shaky trust

yes, I'm here now, barely
and you're trying to tell me
everything is going to be okay

but you're wrong

I'm searching for the type of love
only a father gives
and I can't bring myself to stop

I have this stupid belief that
he's out there
and this has all been a joke

but  truly I've gotten it all backwards
I'm the joke
and if you knew how I really felt- surely you'd send me away

I'm not angry because you're gone
or because you're alone
and I don't wish, for you

I'm remembering
from that moment we met,
to that last word you spoke

And I'm angry, crying, wishing
because
you took a part of me

There's so many new faces, new places, new memories
but I'm trapped, buried beneath so much emotional baggage
and stupidly
I'm reaching, searching for that part you took
and every day I face sundown- empty handed

I'm solemn because... I don't think I'll ever
find the me, you carelessly tossed aside

My voice is not strong
and for that
no one understands
what- I'm really saying

They don't hear the apprehension
in my tone
or  how each syllable
leaves my mouth the same way
a baby bird leaves their nest- fast an daring

and now
I'm telling my story
and there paying attention


yet they still don't understand
they peer, and they criticize
write notes
nod in understanding

but there not really *listening

At the edge
I was too close
now when I see the endless fall
I close my eyes
and strain to breathe

On the packed street
I was all alone
now when people surround me
I shake
and strain to breathe

In the car , sitting behind the wheel
the world started to spin- I had to switch seats
now when I try to drive
the tears drip
and I strain to breathe

Locked in my room
I wonder
why I try to breathe at all
when thoughts- dark and deep
persuade me

*I'm worth nothing at all

So many nights
I now spend,
begging words
that have no meaning,
to the wall

And from darkness filled of empty spirits to
golden beams of sun
I sit
and wait

But

these eyes won't shut
and these thoughts won't leave
Maybe, i wonder, if- you return
will i be able to sleep again?

I can not stand up and cheer
it's your victory
but I can not show I care
in fact, I can not show my face

because

under the stars
twisting the grass through our fingers, our hands met
when we heard the crickets singing to their friends, our eyes met
and that night, my heart met yours

and since that time
the green grass
and the calls of the crickets
remind me

your heart pushed mine aside
when you called me only a 'friend'

so I can not stand tall
show my face, let you see me blush
I can only support you from afar
I'm only a friend

Here- with me now
I can hear your pain
I can see the agony flowing from your lips
I can feel you watching me

but-  without me later
you'll only have the dark
and
I told you, once, and once again

All you said was 'leave'

So,
I hope in the dark
you can realize
I want to share your pain, feel your agony, and see what your eyes see

I want you,
I want to hold you tight,
I want us to be a team

I don't know how to be more precise

I can't leave, I can't even let you go
*I'm in love with you

You tell me no
You scold me,
scream at me,
give me all the pain you've got.
But,
I told you I could endure it all,
and now I need to test my strength.
Mark my words
your pain is
all mine, equally so.

We are a pair
don't you remember
interlocked chains of silver and gold
you told me
we held each other together

now you're frayed
and losing time
I need to remind you
I'll succumb without you

so let me be our strength
guide us towards the sun
trust me
together- we've already won.

There's either too much to say
or too little
We have no happy medium
We're at a fork in the road
You're telling me to go to the right
But you're not telling me why

If I depend on you,
take your hand,
close my eyes,
will you leave me on the side of the road
or will you push me off the edge?
I want to believe you'll pull me close, lead me around the ditches,
stop me from stepping in the highway

I need you to know the extent I will depend on you
and I need you to understand what I see and feel

And that's my greatest fear
I've slithered through the barrier and I've already trusted you
And you don't know me for who I really am
And now everything, every touch, every tear, all depends on you.

sunday I want pain
monday I want to delve into the darkest part of night
tuesday I want time to soar, drop me in the land of happiness
wednsday I want to feel the hatred you have for me
thursday I want to hear the drip of a faucet and nothing else
friday I want you and me
saturday I want my throat to beg for my screams to stop

all week
it's because of you

and when you decide to have me
everything disappears
and the only thing I have is
your touch
my fingertips
and a quiet mind

oh I need you
gone or here
not in between
why
because, you make me crazy

I've reached the end
and I have two options

I can turn around and find a new path
which requires risk and courage
and once I find a new path
how do I know
I won't fall

I'm tired
and I hear all the voices
saying 'I can't make it through this'
my head has been pounding
so really, why should I turn around

The second option is to jump
I see the waves
the endless blue.
it terrifies me,
the tug of ocean pulling my body,
but ,
it's an outcome,
and I won't suffer for much longer.

what should I do?

Why do you waste your energy?
You present that radiant smile.
hug me like
our touch will stop,
the desperate pleas of those in need.
Why?

I need for you to see the truth

think of me like a robber
entering your holy presence
I'm faking,
rounding up your feelings
stowing them away,
and you still think
I'm benefiting

I'm not
and in the dead of night
dressed all in black
the brightest thing about me
is the smirk
escaping my lips

I take your feelings and sell them
use the pleasure I gain as an escape
from the numbness
tearing my soul to shreds

Happiness
seems like a foreign land
I'm walking there
I'm trying- I am

the paths getting harder to see
I keep my head down
eyes focused
this haze
it's too strong for me

my throats tightening up
I know
what it means

I laugh just once more
because
somehow
I've found the end
when I was just looking for the beginning

Our hands interlock,
yet,
we couldn't be any farther away.

I try to navigate
take the longer path
hope the roads confuse me
hope they create an illusion,
not even the steadiest eyes could endure

I try to memorize what I need to explain
hope a beast surrounds me and takes my breath away
hope it leaves me with no chance to speak again

I try to persuade myself it's all going to be okay
but really
i wish it wasn't me
who had to carry the bags
explain the mess

eventually I run out of roads to take,
fake illusions to make, and their are no more beasts that could possibly harm me

so i tell them the truth

'the pain hurts every single day, and I'm afraid, his memory is never going away'

and if a tear or two falls down my cheeks
I turn my back and accept - i've done my best.

The poet inside of me,
wants to believe,
he could love me.

For when he whispered in my ear,
I couldn't dare stop the tug of my lips.

But, I had to remind myself
he's just a friend.

I may think, write, explore
yet, love for me
is nothing my pen or paper,
can create.

I'm crying
because I understand now
I let you go
why
I was afraid together we would go places
I could never go alone
and that scared me

and now I feel horrible
I'm lonely
it's my fault
I had you
but now you have her
oh, what did I do?

We spend the majority of our lives waiting.
She waits for the July heat to give her a healthy glow,
he waits for the winter ice to skate with his friends.
Regardless, we wait
and some of us are fortunate to receive the pleasure,
or the satisfaction we were waiting for.
Some of us
we wait,
and wait, yet
we don't get the picture perfect snowflakes,
or the beach trips with our friends.

Months, maybe even years,
and we get just one day
to say,
or better yet
conclude
how we really feel-or how we felt
because
our outcome
wasn't worth waiting for.
And now

the time we have to wait
is no longer there,
and were left with just one feeling

regret

most of the time
I'm not aware
where you are
or how you feel
and this should be a good thing

I know you told me to leave
and I know when I put up a fight
gripped you tight
you got mad

so I am in the right
I need to leave you be
I also need to be strong
importantly I need to move on

yet the darkness I succumb to late at night
is like a calendar
reminding me
its been so many hours, days, weeks, and months
since I last touched your face

and oh
I crave your touch
your husky voice
in my ear
saying
'i've got you'

now I have to find another
to catch me
whisper 'you're safe'

my hand is shaking
and its a struggle to write what I need to say
my eyes are begging, make it stop
and the tears falling
are the examples of why
I need these tremors to go away

I'm watching this way and that
sounds and voices pass
its a struggle not to scream
the cool touch of the wall
is nor a comfort or a pain
I need something
make me feel whole again

they're talking about me this time
its a struggle to focus on one thing
sitting up
I'm wishing I was down again
the floor and the walls passing by
all are just a reminder
I messed up again


when am I gonna find the glue,
disappear,
or make it through?

I'm scared**
when I lie awake
to the creak of the floorboards
rustle of the bushes
the walls that seem to call my name

and even  
right under the bright sun
when every single flaw
and all the pain I feel
shines
all in front of there eyes

and the honest truth is
I don't know how to smother the fear
lock it inside
transform into the strong person
they make me to be

so that's why I cry
and why I be-little who I am
I speak in little phrases
and hide behind my friends

and I wonder
because
shouldn't seventeen years and counting
have
toughened my bones
smoothed the edges
of a life I was supposed to lead?

it's so easy to look back
see all the happiness
it radiates off everything
and its all apart of who she is

here surrounded by the white walls
the blaring beeps of the monitors
each saying the same thing
she's not the same

I want her in the wake of the worst
to feel the tips of my fingers,
and the tears that escape down my cheek
to understand
my pain won't go away
only once she meets my eyes and takes my hand,
and when I can ease the terror
I know, that's running through her brain

then,
I'll be able to close my eyes,
and wipe my face
know at last- *she's safe

today he told me he wants to be with me
and I couldn't tell him the same
I'm looking back and I can't remember
what I did
to seek the eyes of someone greater than me

if we sat together
he'd have to watch the space between us
and if he grabbed my hands
he'd have to bite his tongue
rid his questions
when I pull away

when I return
happy or sad or breathing heavy
he'd have to comfort me
and those questions
there starting to pile up
and then I'm gone again

if we're in a hotel
or traveling the world
he'd have to shield his eyes
when the tears
and the shakes of my shoulders
won't go away

his questions are overflowing and he's ready to burst

I can't let him endure it all
just to be with me
so I tell him this pain
and I'm not surprised when I'm all alone again

I have nothing to write that will change us
And every time you hesitate
close your eyes
purse your lips
I know there's no more us

Tonight I met him
don't give me that angry stare
don't embrace me in a hug- and apologize
because you know I want nothing more than us

But we both know
fate
destines us apart

So tomorrow
and all the tomorrows your lungs breathe
keep me in your memories
but
don't remember
me and you
as an *us

Five days, each, we do the same
rise to the sun
mold our face

hard desks, loud voices
we take notes
they think we care
all it takes, a second- earns a twitch of the finger
but they don't see

we are safe

Yet here we sit
we wonder why
before us- the scientist, the detective
most referred- the counselor awaits

we ponder
do they know
pain is what we crave

we see no perceptive
cross their face

all we can do is wait

I'm back again
the me that cries
nights spent sitting up  
eyes watching nothing


I'm back again
the me that lost the will to fight
classrooms, bustle with gossip
students trying,
barely awake
eyes blurry
I wish I had no more time

I'm back again
the me that feels the tile beneath my knees
throat raw
distant voices- happy, alive
eyes deceiving
I can feel the time getting shorter and shorter

I'm back again
the me who is restrained
anxiety more severe, pounding on my chest
eyes closed
I know they turned back the clock
sentenced me with more time

I'm back again
the me who has to find the right way
path or no path
life has been given to me

I should have never believed you
when you said 'everything was going to be okay'

I'm watching them bury you six feet deep
and all I can think about
is how we can meet again

I know if you were here
you'd hold my arm down
and whisper in my ear
'don't shed a tear, you'll survive'

but you're not here
and no ones left to pin me down
it's me and my brain
and everything is a sign
telling me-
'you're better off dead'

I’m on the floor clutching my chest
You stood on me for years
Every second, imprinting my soul

The blackness is creeping on the edges of my sight
Green grass and the sparkling sun lies miles away

And more and more
I can taste the blood on my tongue
bitter and strong

You were here
And I can’t forget- rid you of my memory
I need to breathe
Why did you think you could stand on me?

I'm the four year old girl
who pointed to the funeral home and said, "that's where my dad lives"

I'm the five year old girl who stopped speaking all together
who rather have them figure her out than let them know, her world is cracked

I'm the ten year old girl
whose seen every kind of doctor, yet still not okay

I'm the sixteen year old girl
who has made progress, her world is coming together, but somewhere along the way she lost the most important piece


I'm the girl who wants to sleep, fall into the total darkness

but I'm the girl who won't give up
and somewhere out there
is the boy who will be happy I used my stubborn ways

*someday

staring cold eyes
cut my skin in two
a shrill siren blares
there touching
mapping my skin
my eyes surrender to the black

fake exuberant smiles
prepare to tantalize me- shackles and all
my lungs are quitting
there sweet laced tone seems to get louder and louder
my hands are erratic

my fake smile is long gone
there patience has been buried

I'm a part of the bland walls
and the midnight silence
h o p e l e s s

I'm lying on my bed in the pitch dark
snuggled underneath the covers
my eyes are leaking tears
and I'm too bothered to wipe them away

Sitting up I find
I'm fading
the ground is so far away
and I don't have enough energy to reach

my hands
nor my legs
work
the way they used to

and my mind is skipping
thoughts and memories split in half
the minutes and the hours around me
don't seem to last

I'm less and less than I was
and no ones
bothered to take a look

Tonight I'll be gone
before you get a chance

she is perched on his bed above the covers
he can feel her weight on his tired limbs
she doesn't understand
he can't keep his eyes open long enough to truly see
she smiles for the flash
he treasures his last few hours

her thumb traces his silhouette
doesn't remember this time
no voice
or mannerism  to match him
all she has is this Polaroid candid

and years later
she still doesn't understand
why he had to leave

I feel so confident
behind these facades
but in front of you
I'm just a puddle under your feet

I have a problem
I can't concentrate
or smile your way

my self esteem is terribly low
and the time is escaping me
I'm losing all control

but

even so, you try to gather me up
strong embrace
and I'm shaking
begging
I need space

in the pitch black
I'm back to cursing my name
I'm
just
a
disgrace..
hopeless..
worthless..
weak..
timid soul

late night I wrote a poem for you
it goes a little something like this

you left
I hurt
you came back
I kicked you to the dirt
now there calling me a *****
and your laughing through your tears
I won't let you leave again
and I won't let you forget
I ached for you
I trembled at night
now you deserve to hurt

I'm throwing this poem in the lake
sobs breaking through
if only I could hurt you
but I can't- I love You

what do I do
I've walked thousands of miles
tore my flesh on the rubble
followed the path

climbed to the highest peak
watched the world flow
now I'm at the drop

it's tonight- or never
and I realize
I was never your first choice

You put me second
the same way
I put myself last

and now
my eyes are blurry
and I'm reaching
searching

but I am no ones first
I'm stuck in a dark abyss
I lost my chance to be safe
the second is always a waste

I want out, but that's a joke

I'm not going to make it to Europe or the islands
I'm not going to make it to the city
some days i can't even make it out of bed

why
everything passes my eye
spinning
years and years I still can't explain the motion

then there's the hate
I'm screaming to get up, to stop
to be normal

but within  a second I'm sobbing to empty walls
I try to be quiet
but it's tearing through my lungs

I'm a lost cause
there's no cure
for my mind

so don't bother
your efforts, your support,
its all a waste of time
for a girl who
is cheating her life

I'm sitting here
face solemn
waiting for just one person
to question why
and suddenly
I know
they can't see
they can't hear
they are living for themselves

I get up
gaze locked to the floor
now I just have to wait
till everything shatters and the floor
escapes my feet
I don't question it
and they won't see

I'm halfway out
they still don't hear my moans late at night
I wonder if there even real
my only question for them
is what will happen when I'm gone

let me go
walk thousands of miles
up the hills
through the brush
scream to the moon and stars
and laugh under the rays


let me go
cuz I'm the rope pulling you down
you don't see me
but I'm there
and you need to escape

You don't deserve the burn
or the late nights


let me go
I'm getting more and more tangled
and I need help
but
you're so much better
use your skills on someone else
find a ribbon
silk on you're fingertips
pretty in color

just let me go

I try too hard
I make you want to leave
when all I want for you is to stay

I cry too much
I give you headaches
when all I want for you is to dry my tears

I complain too much
I make you scream
when all I want is your warm embrace

in the dead of night
you've finally got away

I'm too numb
I can't feel a thing
even when I lost control

all I wanted was to be your 'want'
and amongst the white walls
sterile scent
I'm realizing maybe
you were right

I was just too much

i've got nothing left
my smile is like miniscule shards of glass
each part so pointy
no one wants to touch and make it curve

and they've past me
time and time again
I've become accustomed to their feet crushing me

I wait
soon enough the snow
will burden me whole
and I'll be a lifetime away

summer sun
winter snow

complete opposites
both made her feel

one made her sanguine
one made her shallow

and  in- between them both
the fleeting fall
or the swift spring

it was always the same
she wished
she was with him

his calm serene was a dose
she couldn't seem to find
even in the yellow rays
or the endless white

and at the end she realized
she couldn't find him
because he wasn't meant to stay
he was destined for greater things

If he ever wondered about me
I would want him to know
That smile on my face- it's fake
In fact
Most of the time
tears cascade down my cheeks
And when i studied the ground
That was because I didnt want him to see
One look in my eyes
Thats all it would take for him to
realize how weak I truly am

i can feel your grasp slipping from mine
soon so soon
you'll feel the pavement
the rough truth
and
you'll find it's so much easier
to get hurt
without me
by your side

i know you you tell me every chance you can
you're strong, you can do this
but I know you,
your vision is blurry
each step is going to be a struggle

but tonight you're still here
and you're mine

in 1868 they sewed 'freak' across her chest
she was the ant of the food chain
it was a contest for them,
who could smother her the hardest

in 1878 they ravaged her
they were the crows
and she was a worm
they won
she came home with purple eyes
and a smothered heart

in 1888 they sat on hard sofas
frown lines permanent
they worked, the years of past were coming of age
she was a trophy
in their finest efforts

and she
cocooned with her published memoir
counted her wealth
overwhelmed with glee
she had a mended heart
not a trace of a scar
and she was alive
and simply *free

her tears are drying
the echo of his footsteps are long gone
its midnight now
and she's all alone

he was her cave
covering her from the world of lies
now her figure stands so clear
amidst the brush
and she's stuck with all her insecurities

she pleads desperately every night
she doesn't want to endure the scratches
or the ground shaking beneath her feet
the burn of their eyes
it's all to much

but shes stuck
and once again she realizes, she's all *alone