I can’t live but I have to.
There’s just no other way.
As long as you’re fighting so hard and needing me.
As long as my place to live is open for view.
Although there’s no way that I can live.

It’s cruel but I’m not allowed to say it.
Only to the ones that know and feel it everyday.
Like me cause it’s too much.
Like a slave to life.
Cause whatever I do I’ll end up in hell.
Whatever I try, whatever we try.
It’s a nightmare and even worse.

It’s hell and even worse.
You are the ghost and I’m the zombie.
And our parents are slaves behind the massive broken machines.
Working to keep them running.

Just to stay alive.
Cause there’s just no other way.
As long as you’re fighting so hard and needing me.
As long as our place is open for view.
Although there is no way of living in there.

It happens too easily these days...
I end up with a mustache or a teardrop.
Together they're too much but none is not enough.
Crying over love or pressure.
Never both.
Never together at the same time.
Living in solitude.
Among the other lost ones that sometimes forget how lost they are.
Escaping in the walk to the grocery shops.
Or the drilling through the walls.
The brick walls that have holes now.
At least it's warm outside...
At least the sun is shining today.
But I'm thinking as I'm sitting: what am I still doing?  Still being.
I need to go somewhere to find something else.
Or else I'm a dead woman every day.
Taken away by everything.
Too much.
A quirky little mustache.
A pretty little tear.
A dancing in the street.
A song on the staircase.
Real true love.
Too much pressure.
Too much.
Mustache!

Why don't you take this key and stop taking life so seriously?  
Open the box of surprises, you'll find so many great fun prices.
Careful but not too careful,  and life won't be hard but never dull.
Stupid old soul taking life way too seriously, why why?
Haven't you learned it's all a fun try try?
Oh what a relaxing fun surprise.
If you don't take it seriously it can be a little nice.
Sometimes...

Don't we all have our own little black books in here in which we attempt to write the pain away?
When I saw the new girl sitting in the garden all exhausted with hers in front of her, I ran upstairs.
I have no energy to meet another who writes her pain and plan down in a little black book.
No, I'll leave you alone.
Alone with your black book.
And I'll be in here writing too.
Upstairs or in the basement where I found out where they keep the clean white coats.
Nobody will see the stories.
Nobody can explain the journey.
I just hope you'll get some mercy.
Cause I've never seen any mercy.
Even while dreaming.
But the dreams do keep me going.
I have to still keep going.
Don't we all have to still keep going?
Don't we all need a little black book?
Do you also feel frozen and stuck deep inside your body?
Constantly?
Doesn't it get too heavy?
Like for me every day.
I won't ask you today.
I don't want to know the answer.
I have no breath left to respond.
And maybe you don't either really.
So I run upstairs.
And close the curtains to the garden and lay my head down on the chair.
The chair I wish I had when my bag of helium filled itself with oxygen when I wasn't sitting up straight enough so I didn't die.
And now in here I can't get helium.
And I wasn't approved for euthanasia either.
I lost my place to live because of trying, three times because of the situation.
Homeless.
Can you see what's wrong with this system?
Fighting for euthanasia, having dates planned already.
But the doctor to do the final check did not approve.
The second one didn't either.
But then one did after trying a few more treatments but they thought he was too willing.
Then the next one didn't either and so the case was closed.
The Netherlands, euthanasia, it's not working at all.

I lie here completely open.
Drinking anything you pour in.
Anything is better than nothing.
I'm resting at the church steps every day.
Of a religion I hadn't heard of before.
The one that seems to fit me.
Right now that I learned the lessons that brought me to the next step.
Tomorrow I'm moving again...

Why do I try when everything sinks and the water keeps flowing?
Why do I plant seeds when in this land nothing is growing?
Why do I buy clothes for a body that I don't know?
Why do I put glitter on when another cry soon will follow?
Disappointed but alive, or dead?
I don't know what feels worse.
But when I have to be alive I'll always keep on trying to cure this curse.
But why?! Cause I'm a bad bad nurse!!!
I want to be able to **** the reason why I fight.
I don't mind if I die in the process.
Dying in this way is progress.
How many times do I have to keep trying to explain it?
Will the right people get it when I'm dead?
Will they admit?
I'm a nurse that will always be bad.
Bad at living, bad with an attitude, bad and in a bad mood.
Bad but good.
Sometimes feeling alright too.
When I smile when I see you.
But please get it now.
I'm trying to find the poison to **** that virus that's in me and it will **** me.
And it's fine and the truth and it's just all reality.
But doctors never want to see that and only they can provide it.
One day I'll make my own and not just a little bit.
Just wait and see, watch me and change things hopefully.

Everything can be nothing.
When it's too much.
Or just a little.
I have no middle or inbetween.
I have nothing but everything.
I've seen everything.
But I can do nothing.
When I saw nothing,
I thought I could do everything.
Turned out it was nothing.

Everything I learned brought me to nothing.
And I feel everything and it takes me to nothing.
Even if I could write down everything.
Nobody would see it actually happening.
But I can't write down nothing or everything.
I can't sing everything and everything is nothing.
So I write and sing just something.
But in that something is everything.

And when I'm singing everything it's too much.
So it's nothing.
So everything is nothing.
Like a little bit of everything.
Is nothing.
Today I wanted everything.
Yesterdag I wanted nothing.
I'm longing for something or someone that feels like everything.
Someone or something that is everything!

Everything I can't be.
Nothing I have ever felt.
Like nothing can make me feel.
Like everything does not matter.
But I can't find nothing or everything.
When I can feel almost everything it turns back into nothing.
So I'm longing for just something.
Or someone that's everything!

Don't be everything.
Be my everything.
My chameleon is so lonely.
Don't you see his sad looking eyes?
Longing for something that can make him feel like he is everything!

If you looked into my eyes and knew how bright they used to be, you knew I died.
As I write my words are dying now with me.
My body doesn't like it when I try to get ready.
Just sitting isn't ok either.

I just eat, fly and sing or sleep if I can.
Cause only then life doesn't feel so bad.
Like being on fire, heavy or drowning.
My body is a bag of potatoes on fire.
I'm so dead, I'm not moving.

Let me just stare in the distance.
And if you looked into my eyes, you'd know I died.
I'm buried inside.
Strangled and tight.
Gone but stuck.

Away from life.
Away from light.
Colours fly around me in my dark room.
I fall to the ground.
I lie there just still.

Losing faith is fun.
It makes me want to dance with you.
And use rubber tubes as straws.
And just drink water.
Cause nothing feeds me actually.
The combination of you and Cocorosie is so good.
And everything else is so bad.
And we're smiling as we're hawling.
You made fun of everything when I told you everything went wrong.
Oh, I love you so much.
Even when you don't stop talking and my head explodes.
No wait, I hate you then.
Whatever….
Losing everything is fun.

I'm sorry, I didn't know that life was such a game.
A game that you have to play.
I forgot about the unwritten rules to follow and now I lost.
Everything.
No peace at all.
I said too much while I couldn't let you know.
Everything.
Too much for one person to carry.
But you can't share it or you loose.
Everything.
I'm sorry, I got angry while I didn't do what was expected.
The game of life we play.
I had too much to carry so I threw away the final thing that helped me.
The last thing.
Now I got nowhere to go.
I said too much and now there are these rules you must follow.
The last thing.
Too much information to carry.
So you have to share it or you fail and you're gonna be out forever.
The last thing.
I am sorry, I could not see clearly and I had to go back to the beginning.
Of the game of life again and again.
It never felt right and it's too much and now I lost.

At some point in my journey I realised that undoing wouldn't be helpful.
That I should be grateful for all that I've learned, for how much we all have grown.
I am still very proud of all the people around me.
But I want to undo the picture they'll see when I leave.
And I wish I could leave.
Three gates I found and they didn't let me through.
I told the guards that the key was me.
It wasn't enough.
All the stars lined up for the perfect goodbye.
Except for the one thing that should have released me.
The key was ready but the lock didn't fit.
Now I know there's no other way but to rest for the next challenge to find the next gate.
I'm in these  tornadoes circling in and out not coming out.
But I won't come out of this world that I'm in without finding a better way out.
Cause this world that I'm in is not my home and it will never be though I tried to make it so.
People helped me to make it right.
Now we need peace.

There's dirt underneath me.
I walk around lost in my body.

A neon zombie.
Through the night.
Neon zombie through the night holding a magic light.
As a guide.

But Everything is aching.
Everything is falling.
And the neon zombie is crawling.
And when it can run, it runs off into space.
Lasers coming from its eyes in a daze.

Although it knows where it belongs and it's not in this body.
Dirt underneath a body.
All around here now and inside of me.
Help, I'm wandering in the space that's left for me not walking freely.

There's dirt underneath me.
I walk around lost in my body.

Still walk neon zombie.
You are never comfy.
With your neon face staring into space.
Before you enter.
Unexpected but always from the centre.

Can I still walk with you, or should I just wait?
So tired of being lost facing this closed gate. (it's closed)
Walking only kills the time and burns away the need and desire.
To not be on fire.

All the time killing time in a tunnel where all babies should die.
And I know why.
It's getting late and it's getting dark.
So sleep before the neon lights spark.

As my life is falling into pieces I learn it's not about how much it shatters.
What the remaining parts look like is what actually matters.
You have no control, you just have to deal with everything as it comes.

You have to trust in yourself in any situation as it welcomes.
Although your mind's in a Matrix that's playing these games.
The programs, they hurt so much as you're walking again through the flames.

Those heroes around you lift you up.
The spirits among you put their arms around you.
You cannot stop.
Not now that the chapter is all new.

The pieces float around me.
I cannot sleep and the world is creepy.
I just surrender and find my world in this world like my friends all do.
Now we're here, look how far you've come, the chapter is all new!

As my life falls down I can just look down and see these pieces flaking.
I'm swimming towards the end altough my body's aching.
It's not very far, just very painful.
I've never felt this dreadful.
But it's not me, it's the pieces falling.
It's not me or my friends but the flakes that are drowning.

I will love you in the moment.
And I will love you forever cause it'll never end!

No body gets immunity to a virus against our community.
Virus entering a body.
Virus entering a system, virus coming through your airways.
Making them feel sore.
Like it's happening in many ways.
It cannot function anymore.

Breaking down, breaking down what once was standing.
Breaking down what once stood tall.
Breaking down, a new beginning or ending. With a body that feels small.

I'm in a body floating feeling like a baby.
Bald and always ready.
For the future that's ahead of me.
I'm a newborn like a baby.
The air is fresh around me and my body's drying up.
The virus never kills me, it will eventually just give up.

Like everything that's killing because I'm in here floating peacefully.
I'll send peace towards the sick.
And the virus I will kick.
I am part of a community that is stronger than a building.
And it will always keep on fighting.
Till the end of everything....
The end of everything.
A new beginning?

It can no longer **** me when I'm dead already.  
I'm in love with knowing it killed me.
Taking off my body.
Like an old coat that I smacked on the floor.
Cause I really really don't need it anymore!

Here is the part where it changed me, it changed you.
I feel everything.
Everything coming through.
And I know and I understand.
How it feels to grow and to hold your hand.

My friends, my army and my family.
In me and me in you, you in me.
No longer will I feel heavy.
I am happy.
And in love cause it has killed me.
It can no longer **** me cause I'm dead already.
I'm so happy!

Everybody is exhausted, one way or another.
Organizing brings more choas.
How do others work, I wonder.

No space in a day, escaping your body.
If it's still worth it you're considered lucky.
Hold on, hold me, time to get cozy.
Rushing so my feelings are behind me.

But I am on fire, shaking and staring.
Losing oversight.
No comfort at night.

So I write it all down cause it won't get done.
One by one.
One step at the time getting dizzy and confused.
How do you see through all the stuff you have used?

Cleaning and moving and changing.
It's a lot of re-arranging.
Is it living or just doing without feeling?

Head exploding, losing energy, any form of capacity.
To even begin to explain what's happening.
People never have nothing to do, always busy.
Overwhelming.

People are the energy like a star.
People are.
People shoot into the air.
And wish to stay there,

But moving is a part of living.
It's a part of everything.
Just keep on managing.

It's a lot.
Keep on smiling.
It's a lot.
Keep on managing.
Till you're not.

Some people move while standing still.
Managing until.
Smiling.
Managing.
Engaging.

Longing for a pureness.
Longing for white hair.
Longing for oblivion to harm just being wandering.
In a valley in a grey dress.

Maybe there's a dimension where people can see what each other's souls have been through.
And everything is just right for all their souls to heal.

I'd be called Isdal, waiting for the ones I loved most in my past lives to come and find me.
And we already know each other and we know we already know.

Looking at the past it all feels very dark.
Looking at the future it's also very dark.
Being in the present it's just ok, I guess.
Just for now.

Always trying to run harder than it's raining.
Trying not to get hit by the drops too hard.
Or just trying to accept you will get soaking wet and sing along...

Oh I'm longing for a pureness.
Longing for white hair.
Longing for oblivion to harm just being wandering.
In a valley in a grey dress.

Will I find it when I leave?
And will you find me?
I'll be waiting.
As I'm waiting here now too.

Things are just a thing sometimes.
Going through phases in this life.
The stars and planets are planners.
They tell you something if you listen carefully.

There have always been things carefully set up to push you in the right direction.
You have to follow, there's no other way.
Your path is so magical or so extremely horrifically hard.
But it's yours and yours only.

Embrace the light you see in front of you.
You can walk to it.
It's alright, it'll lead you home.
Embrace it cause it will happen and you will be save.
But oh what a journey and oh the things you must give, I know!

Things are just a thing sometimes.
Going through phases in this life.
The end phase is the hardest when you have to end it yourself.
You went through a part of the old times before they changed.
They changed for the better.

You helped in the change but you had to go through it.
The pain and the battle.
Embrace it cause it will always happen and you will be save.
But oh what a journey and oh the things you must give, I know!

You a rare piece of the galaxy.
A little too far out of reach for me.
They say: Don't lose diamonds while collecting stones.
Find the right energy that you can feel through skin and bones.
Or just one that fits.
Or a hard rock that hits.
Escaping from an explosion.
A big bang or an emotion.
You are a meteorite.
I watch you shining so bright.
And I feel your perfect energy.
But you are a little too far out of reach for me.
Please come collect me.
One day take me away to your world and little galaxy.
I'm an alien lost in space.
With an alien body and face.
And I'm finding the energy that feels right.
When you hit me like a meteorite.
Where do I go from the black hole?
Where do I float through with my alien soul?
Take me home to my destiny.
Take me home to my galaxy.

Soul covered in darkness.
Face covered in make up.
Sound won't come through.
Hollow demon.

The cry is far away.
Sometimes calling on the Phone it's near.
But there's nothing I can do.
It all went too far.
Still as far as it had to.

Soul covered in a harness.
Face covered up with dirt.
Sound is an awful hellish scream.
Hollow world.

Maybe I don't know what I see.
Maybe.
Maybe I don't know what I see.

I feel something familiar.
Stronger than ever.
When it's really nescessary I don't feel you.

But my soul is covered.
My face is aged.
Not as old as my soul.
Hollow dark spot.

All my life I learned that I learned and that they learned and we learned so much!
Now it's too much!

I feel that it's just unfair.
Stronger than ever.
Maybe it's always gonna be unfair.

Dead on demand wil be the name of my band.
When I'm reborn and my friends are too.
A different universe where our dreams come true.
Not like in here.
Where every phone call is bad news that you don't want to hear.

We will be free because we went through hell in here first.
We know not to be too ecstatic cause we'd known the thirst.
When everything goes right we know what every type of wrong feels like.
Everything will be completely turned upside down and ruled by music and magic.
Love is rather ecstatic.

In here it's dark when I wake and all the people are separated.
In their own space dealing with their own pain.
Dead on demand is something that could never really be honorated.
***, it's gone on too long! Learning from every disaster but disaster will always remain!

We will be free!
Dead on demand flying to the colourful sea.
Reborn with your friend.
Dead on demand will be the name of my band!
It will never be like it is in here.
Where every phone call is bad news that you don't want to hear.

We will be free because we went through hell in here first.
We know not to be too ecstatic cause we'd known the thirst.
When everything goes right we know what every type of wrong feels like.
Everything will be completely turned upside down and ruled by music and magic.

Love is rather ecstatic.
Love is rather right.
Love is a feeling like you never felt before.
Love is rather ecstatic.
Love is better than magic!

I went on my bike following the red thread.
Just like every other day, the one thing I ever had.
And so I went and the water next to me got so wavy.
And so dark, darker than darkest blue navy.

It won't cover me here cause there's no burning suffering.
When the red thread is covering my skin.
I can just keep on cycling.
Always singing.
About how I won't be ok.
It's not alright and it can never be fine.
Still this moment is always mine following the red line.

I went on my bike cycling and singing.
That is always ok.
So the burning will finally stop stinging.
Like every single day.

My name is Sora Sore.
I can't take it anymore.
My eyes are drowning deep.
I couldn't get no sleep.
My neck is in a knot.
And it hurts a lot.

I'm too messed up like my mattress.
But I can play a role, I'm an actress.
And I like it, it's not an act when I'm in it.
Especially when I sing it.

But it burns on my head.
Every day and night in bed.
I've been hanging around like a zombie.
A living dead combi.
I can't take it no more.
I am Sora and I am so so so sore.

Wearing my body.
Wearing it out completely.
I carry it to my grave.
Tossing it through another wave.

Please don't judge me for getting affected.
For being on this earth but not really connected.
Laying inbetween too worlds and painful sensations.
The creatures poking at my skin, the latest manifestations.

The earth can have my body back.
I'm am Sora and I crack.
I'm a zombie.
A living dead combi.

I'm ok.
Just another day.
I'm Sora Sore.
Just a little bit more.
Sora Sore.
Until I'm not there no more.

I'm nowhere, I just want you to hold me and not move.
You don't have to try anything, you got nothing to prove.

When I walk I got a thousand question marks rising above my head.
Why am I still not dead?

I'm nowhere but I see a world in your stare.
Nowhere.

I'm still here and I think it's not fair.
It feels wrong.
I'm nowhere.
I'm really nowhere.
I'm really not there.

Looking around here, a new phase.
Again?!
A new looking face.
Where did my mind go when it ran?
Nowhere.
Only there where it can.

Nowhere and I see you there.
I'm still nowhere.
I will be around
When I'm found.

Look around.
Looking around new face and body.
I just want you to hold me.
You don't have to move.
I'm nowhere, what have I got to prove?

Nothing, I should know by now in this nowhere.
Nothing to prove, not a single care.
In the middle and stuck in everywhere.

You still miss her so much.
I feel it when I touch the keys of your laptop.
Wet from your teardrop.
Last night there was a birthday party.
For a boy that was a zombie.
He didn't exist, only his mother.
In a ghost home like no other.
Dark and brown.
In a ghost town.
I watched them from very far away.
I watched a mother and child that used to play.
You'll find ways.
You'll find ways and people and days.
It will be so hard, impossible and too much.
Like trying to sleep when there's nothing that feels right for your body to touch.
And it all falls apart again.
And you have to start again and again.
Always with too many things happening.
And no certainty and the world spinning.
On and and on.
How to go on? How to hold on?
Falling backwards again into the storm.
Uncomfortable and cold in every form.
The calm before and after the hit.
And the loving inside surrounding it...
You just hold me when everything falls.
When the siren calls...

I'm breaking like glass in my eyes.
Red painful barriers and flickering sight.
How much longer till my body will have dry bones?
Zombie walking, alien clown.
I'm still travelling.

I can't push myself through the pressure.
If I do, I will definetely break my eye.
So I stay up staring.
Maybe I will just float away.
I'll pray for it as I push my fist against my chest.
Gently touching the parts that are still intact.
Hoping it will be worth it.
Let's stay in this trance.

Let's walk
Let's float.
I will go on and find you.
And everything else will find me.
Cause it has to push deep inside.
Tear me open.

I'm so much happier now that I'm dead.
But between waking and sleeping there's people you might forget.
And I don't want to forget you.
**** me all over when I do.

Swimming right through the grid.
Just to find you back again since you hid.
You were paddling along with me and pushing away hard cemented concrete.
Uncovering old treasures that we lost on the street.
Not too many, but we set them free so they can be anywhere.
All the time like the dust you wear.

It's a little bit softer.
But there must be a moment to let it all be over.
And I don't want to really leave you.
**** me all over when I do.

Floating right through the pit.
Oh I needed it, I needed this hit.
Let me fall into the endless sea.
Without pushing the waves aways from me.
Not too many, but we set them free so they can be anywhere.
All the time like the dust you wear.

It's a lot lot clearer.
A lot lot nearer.
The end.
I'm so much happier.
In the end.
Life is so much better now that I'm dead.
Dreaming is much nicer when I'm not in bed.

When the universe gently pushes these songs into your life.... Child, you got to survive.
Eat your lettuce with salt and pepper.
Die die die inside!
Swallow swallow swallow all of your pride!

Spread your legs.
And lay those eggs.
No regrets cause you gotta make them proud and glad.
Your little naked chubby body on the bed.

Cute cute cuty.
Rare crazy beauty.
Pout your lips and touch your skin.
You are so tender, just surrender.
You will never really win!

Spread your arms.
Cling on to these charms.
And no resting your head.
You gotta find ways till you're dead.

When the universe gently pushes these songs into your life.
Child, you got to survive.
Eat your bread with salt and pepper.
Dead dead dead inside!
Stare stare stare at your dissaster left behind!

Ah ah ah. That does not feel right!

I want it all: I want a bath of chocolate milk.
I want his love and a dress of silk.
I want to be bald and punk with a lot of hair.
I want to be passionate and I don't want to care.

And I got all of this but I also want to die.
Cause my body and soul can't get by.
But I want to wait.
Too much to celebrate.
I want to go.
Too many steps to follow.

I want to do all these things.
******* by strings, a deep wound that stings.
Waiting and moving standing still.
Feeling ill.

I am that little destroy toy.
Anya Anyway.
I am a little annoy boy.
Stuck in heavy discomfort all day.

When you scroll down, do you like anything?
When you get down, you do miss something?
Anyway.
Fighting, rushing.
Tightening feeling.

Do you want to be seen?
To be happy?
Cause you're learning so much more in the dark night scene!
Now you're ******!

Destroy toy.
Filthy.
Rotten.
Skum.
Absolutely ******.

I am a little destroy toy.
Anya anyway.
You are a little annoy boy.
Underneath you are so miserable everyday.

When you come up with this nonsense to cover your misery.
I'd like to cover it with mistery.
But I'm angry too often.
And you're kind.
So never mind.
Anyway...

Let's learn in the dark night scene.
And come completely clean, what is it that you really mean?

I am that little destroy toy.
Anya Anyway.
I am a little annoy boy.
Stuck in heavy discomfort all day.