So I guess this is it huh?
After all the love bombing and fake feelings you’re finally ready to move on
You’re ready to remember what it felt like when I didn’t exist.
You’re excited to feel warmth in a new place.
Because everything turned cold here.
You made it this way though.
You turned off your feelings.
Maybe you didn’t even have any.
Maybe I built a false persona of you in my head that was genuinely interested in me.
I must be crazy to think all that time I spent investing in you, you were only pretending to like what I was saying.
Like what I was giving to you.
I didn’t ask you for anything.
I barely reached for a hand.
But yet again I’ll switch my feelings back to nothing and pretend like you never even stopped by.
Cause it’s that easy right?
I’m not that interesting to remember.
I’m not that hard to forget.
You must have found someone better.
So I’ll pretend we ever met.

I will fall down these steps.
Breaking my bones and all I have left
Just to see you shake your head and say....
Nothing. You always walk away...
I shatter myself for a small smile
Cry in my bed for just a little while
You gave me gifts to remember you by
Blinded by all your narcissistic lies
I pray one day you see and you learn
How quickly the tables can turn

I have forgotten what skin feels like.
I have touched it many times but sometimes it feels like silk and other times it has felt like concrete.
It has felt like velvet but also felt like sandpaper.
I’ve avoided the texture of those around me for so long it has become an unfamiliar touch.
I have grown sick at the thought of melting into someone else’s epidermis.
The fact that just giving someone a delicate touch means I am vulnerable worries me that I have not built walls
I have built an entire castle
A fortress around me that no one can penetrate.
I sit on a throne that no one else is allowed to even look at
You can’t have what I’ve experienced
You can’t be a part of what I have built.
This is because of you. I have worked so hard to keep you out
I sit in the aftermath of your disappointment and remember the times you shattered me and I keep building.
And building.
And building.
Until finally I’ve built something sturdy enough to never be broken down again. Not even by you.

So who do want me to be
You say that you love me every day
But i can’t believe you’re talking to me
When everything’s taken the wrong way
Maybe if I go you’ll find who you need
I just want you to know you were everything to me
I’ve walked this road alone but I just want to see
Exactly what you want from me

I could give you the world and you’d ask for the Sun
I could give you all the answers but you’d tell me there is none
I could change the way I am but would that even be enough
I’ve fallen on my knees and you don’t care if I get up

You're a beautiful creation.
But what did they do to you?
Now you're a beautiful disaster.
What can I do?

Someone will love you but that someone's not me.
I'd rather be alone now than fall to my knees
And beg you to see, that this is real and this is me
But you cant see it so I'd rather be free.
And learn to love myself more than you could ever love me.

You're a beautiful creation.
But what did they do to you.
Now you're a beautiful disaster.
There's nothing I can do.

We often connect to rejection, and forget to reject fake affection, so used to neglect and aggression.... Once I love I forget and accept it...

The most I've ever felt for you was when you walked away.
The silence was the loudest thing you've ever had to say.
The quickest response was met when I asked if you could stay.
And this is the farthest I've ever been from feeling okay.

I had a dream that you died
Committed suicide
Because you couldn't find love in a blink of an eye
But in reality, I'm the one dying inside
I was right here and I didn't know why
I was never good enough to be a part of your life
In reality, it's me with tears in my eyes
Spreading flowers and seeing the light
Entering sweet release of you and I.
Rest in peace my love, forever goodbye.

Ignoring the signs of happy endings, I dont want to see
Avoiding all the mirrors while everyone stares at me
I'm your broken China doll but I'm scared of what they'll find
So I keep a smile present as I say my line...

Sometimes words are wrong, hearts are strong, but your mind is gone......

I wonder how you would see me if we never stopped.
I wonder how things would feel if we never ended.
I wonder how I would sound, or if I would've stopped drinking.
I wonder if your smile would be brighter or you'd hold my hand tighter.
I wonder what we would be if we never stopped...

I just want you to close to me...

                                                          ­           ...but you're begging to be free.

Getting too comfortable with being alone that I feel nauseous at the sight of love.
Getting so used to the quiet that company bothers me.
Being terrified of sharing my life with someone.
Being okay with not finding my person.
Not letting go of the one that left me stranded.
I feel weak..
I feel angry..
And most of all I feel lost without you.

I'd rather be alone
then wait for you decide
When you feel like revealing me or hiding me
In a dark place of your mind
I am not a pretty girl you can flaunt
I am not a *** toy you can use once a month
You seek perfection
And to you that's a standard
You don't believe in depression
And you have all the answers
You want to love someone
But don't want to love their past
You're the one holding the gun
But my blood is already on the glass
How low can I go
To make you feel better
It's all you've ever known
Nothing lasts forever

Breaking your skin open to fix his cuts
Makes you feel weak but everyone says you’re not
Sweating through the fan on level one as you stick to one part of your bed
Replaying the thoughts in your head and pretending to be other people
Wondering what it would be like to live in a different body
Wondering how far its gonna go
How much alcohol is it gonna take
Until the end sounds pretty cool
Until it sounds pretty cool
Sounds pretty cool to just…. Leave.
You could’ve been this
You could’ve been so good
You could’ve been her
You could’ve been him
YOU COULD HAVE BEEN ANYTHING
But you
But every one says this is your life
You have control over what hurts you and makes you
Why do I feel like everyone else is controlling my strings?
So what if I’m not the girl that’s passed out in the booth?
So what if I’m also not the girl that has 10,000 followers paying my way?
So what if I’m also not the girl that didn't pursue her dream out of fear of failure?
So what if I’m also not the girl that doesn’t just go away?
I’m stuck to one part of this bed
And I’d rather be stuck here forever than give up on my life.

I used to be abused and used for my gratification
Didn’t know being too nice was a bad situation and love was an optional feeling for people that loved to drain human beings for their own positive sanction
I was a sanctuary for your thoughts, constantly reassured of your flaws and every time my mouth hit the ground id say I love you so it would stop
I just wanted it to stop
I just wanted it to pause
I wanted you to feel the way I felt, the cards I’ve dealt, the way I fell, the heart that broke, the words unspoken, I’ve done so much here’s my token of real love you never ever felt because we were so broken
I thought we were together, sentences ended in forever, tethered by a forced part of my soul that wore protective leather and you said yes
Yes I’d do better
Yes I’d make this work
I’d land that job, I’d never hurt you again this is my promise, lets be honest, im not the best but I made you feel like ******* flawless, whether it was one week or one year everything was promised, but the bruises showed a different side of your conscious
I defended your honor, I made you look like a star, in the opposite light I was fetal in the dark, crying out for help as you reopen old scars, is what love is, have I made it so far?
Have I made it?
Is this what love is?
Just take it
Suddenly the blame is turned on me, I put myself here I deserve to be beat, maybe this time he’ll see, that the only way out is when I fall asleep
Dreaming of a better life, scared every night, maybe i’m wrong and he’s right, what if I deserve to be beat every night?
No.
You took my life from me and I’ll never forget how it felt to be held to a dead mans chest, and wish I could be free from this debt, feel real love in its whole before I lay my head to rest
But I wouldn’t do it different.
I wouldn’t ask Him to fix it.
I wouldn’t tell anyone that I’d go back and risk it.
You made me stronger than I ever could’ve been, I can defend myself now especially to him, and this I swear to the end of my time, the next person to walk into my life, I will love them unconditionally but I will take my time, and I will walk with my head held high, because I can say I made it out alive.
You didn’t **** me like you said you would, you didn’t hurt me like you said you could, and I’m the only one here that turned out to be good, and I’m good
Trust me I’m good.
I fell, I broke, and many times I choked and spit on my faith, but look at me now until I’m at the gates, and He is the only one who can judge my fate, but as He watched me enter He also watched me escape.

I am alone.
Personal. My humble abode.
Only with my permission to enter my home.
I am lonely.
I like to be lonely, be one and only.
Company is hard to come by unless you show me.
I am alone.
Always fighting demons, and secrets.
When I say I'm tired, I mean it.
I don't want to entertain anymore.
My energy needs to be restored.
Let me sleep, please.
Just let me sleep.
I'd rather be alone.
I'd rather be lonely.
Then be with someone who makes me die slowly.

Beautiful disaster, only after I make you feel like you matter, does the smile look real and not look forced or plastered
Beautiful angel, filled with scars of past anger, the cautions signs are up but I attract danger, while you pray to the Lord and people call you my savior
Beautiful creation, you are literally flawless in your face and you tell me I’m great and maybe its true but I always feel like the last resort in your crew, and you wouldn’t know cause God forbid I spew how I feel about me and you
You say I hurt you, I know I was a total **** show, but instead of staying to help me grow, you walked
And I hate you for it.
You walk when I’m weak, you talk when I speak, you walk when I am sad, and you talk when I’m mad, and you just walk away all the time from everything we had
What did we have?
You say your desired that you can take care of yourself, well go ahead then if you don’t need my help, and if you can get from anyone else, then why keep coming back to just put me on the shelf, I DON’T GET IT
I spread my arms wide for you to lay a tired head, but then you call me “old friend” as we sleep in the same bed, and you make me feel special but then call me a mess, I don’t know if you like me or wish I was dead
You get text from other girls but I can’t get mad, I’m not allowed to claim you like I wish I could have, apparently that ship has sailed I missed that, I feel like I just got out of rehab and I’m regaining a trust I really never had
Emotional stability? Unwanted credibility? Forced fertility and silent treatments times infinity
What a great relationship were building
I walk on egg shells just to feel your approval, is this what love is, ha can I get a renewal, because my past was abusive but this just cruel
I’d rather be alone than feel like nothing by your side, I’m not someone you can just decide when you want to reveal me or to hide me in a dark place of your mind I am not just an option I am a ******* human being alright?
I’m not just a piece of jewelry you can wear when you want, I’m not just some pretty girl you can flaunt, and I’m definitely not just your *** toy you can use once a month
Because we have differences, youre indifferent but you tell me how you wanna bend me over the sink and ****, and I don’t understand it, maybe I am just an object and if you truly believe in it, it must be significant
You submit to a man that’s what that book says right, you tell me how I shouldn’t be so uptight, but I also shouldn’t do anything without you at night, and if I’m not around then Im not trying I’m not fighting to be in your life, but I say I miss you tonight, I wanna kiss you tonight, I wanna touch every inch of you while you’re dimming the lights and ignoring your sight, you preach honesty and perfection, I am not perfect and im used to objection, youre the only one that makes me feel depression, just ******* see me try and I guarantee you’ll feel some effection, im not forcing a decision but I don’t wanna waste my time on a long term rejection
You seek a perfect relationship well good luck with that, you were married once and look where that’s at, you say you’ve heard it all before, I get that, but face you don’t know what you want so accept that,
Tables have turned and now I see that maybe you should find yourself before you come looking for me, and like you told me that’s how its gonna be I’m gonna walk away now like you walked from me
I’m not looking back, I’m better than that, you wanna love somebody, but don’t wanna love their past
And someone will love you but that someone’s not me, leave me alone now and let me be
I’d rather be alone than fall to my knees and beg you to see that this is real and this is me but you can’t see it so I’d rather be free
Control my own happiness and love myself more than you could ever love me