art is the child of pain
the son of rain
the blood within the vein
of a twisted child
young and wild;
an attempt to reconcile
hatred, baseless and faceless
a screenshot of the heart....
that is art.

Here I am
Looking at you watching me
As I see the world
Through your words
And I taste your truth
While we speak of youth,
Sitting on the pavement
Staring at the sun,
As if no one ever said
It wasn't safe.
Pondering the things we've done
Mistakes we've
Sown and grown
Into a lesson,
Talking of gods and queens
Our hopes and dreams.
I spilled my soul
Onto the concrete
As you stared in wonder
While I tapped my feet
To the beat of your heart.

Our bodies are conductors
of electricity
Sparks fly from you to me
igniting a fire
kindled by our desire
for freedom
in it's pure form
shelter from the restless storm
within our souls.
We are the flames reaching
high up to the sky
and the wisps of ash
as they pass
are the words we
whisper.
The wind ushers us along
while we sing the songs of nature
as it passes us by...
you are the best high I've ever had
and the low comes slow
as we float back down to earth
until we are ready
to fly again.

In the night we see shadows
envelop the light
all but the stars turn dark
as we watch our breath bond with the breeze.
As an astral being I walk
While we talk about life and death and love
as the moon above smiles
at this child like giddiness
we have discovered in each other.
He was born while the stars collided
an explosion of colors
and their truth was confided in him alone
while the stardust created his home.
She was spawned from the sea
as wicked and wild as waves
with a temper untamed, swayed by
only the tides as they changed.
Together, sea and sky they flew
high above the rest
bringing out only the best
in the other, two sides to a sword
that could cut through all of
the pain in the world.
He and she both knew of love
but never have two souls
broken the chains of this
mind numbing cage we call
civilization without
the help of another, be it friend
foe or lover,
the will to discover
new worlds.
As the dandelion flies
through the black, silken skies
they make a wish and lock it tight
behind their lips
until the time is right to let it
slip between their tongues.

Sometimes I feel like
I am not the me I'm
Supposed to be.
In the mirror there are eyes
Looking back at
A disguise someone
Else molded.
Even though you
Held me together
My soul was still
Severed and I can't find
All of the pieces
To make me remember
Who I was.
Before the scars on my
Heart made its beating
Erratic and before
Every song that I heard
Went from lyric
To static.
Before the touch of a hand
Made my blood run cold,
Before the sight of you
Started getting old.
While the thought of
Living without you
Makes my smile fade
A smile that I made
To oust the darkness;
Sometimes I wonder
What happened to the
Younger me that
Yearned to be free.

time no longer flows,
in this piece of peace I've found;
in a place that no one knows
a place where nature has been crowned.
a place without pollution
with a limitless solution
to the **** of body, mind and soul;
the way the world tries to take control.
a place where freedom
is everyone's prize
we're ALL part of the kingdom
ruled by the same skies.
this place exists
in the souls of the masses
a place that permits
those from all creeds, colors, classes.
a place that's not perfect
for we flourish with flaws
but a place that is worth it
for one, and for all.

The sun has risen already, has hidden
Already behind the clouds that
Cover this town and all
Its ***** little secrets.
Bees surround me with sound
To blot out the profound thoughts
Swimming around in my mind
Without a hope to find
An answer to life.
What once was a tree is now
A path for the power lines,
We cut down what lies in the way
Of a "better day" where screens
Dictate what it means to be alive.
How can I see what's next when
There is no magical text to give
Me solace when my heart pounds
And the silence shakes the ground
Beneath my weary feet.
We're drones on our phones put
On a path lain out by the wrath
Of ages, progression or regression
Depends on your perspective.

I've been living in silence for years
Through unspoken words and
Unshed tears I waited for
The words to flow, to go
From head to pen to paper
A trip they've made so many times before
A road they know, or knew
Until I met you.
You stopped the sadness that bred
The madness which inspired me,
Back when my words roamed free
And thoughts came alive in song.
For so long I hid behind a book
Without a second look at passersby
Content to live and die with only
Words besides me.
You came along like a summer storm
Out if nowhere, fierce and wild
Awakening the child that
Forgot how to laugh.
I never liked to force a line
But from time to time I grew tired
Of reason and rhyme and forgot
The simple beauty of a phrase
To help get me through the days.

The stars illuminate the leaves on trees
for miles and all I see are
constellations mingling in the silken skies.
A shooting star from far off galaxies
wipes away the fallacies of life as
we know, to reveal the path lain out
by the real God; time.
Time has seen all, knows all, shows all--
with a fist as swift as Eros' arrow Time
crushes all within his path
without thought to the aftermath.
Yet time is not unforgiving, loving
none more than the living with gifts
like birth and life and death
a promise that there is something next.

It tickles when my hair brushes my neck
Sending shivers down my spine
To keep me in line and I forget
What the sound of my voice is when all I can hear
Is the echo of my thoughts
And I forgot to tell you about the day
That I lost my way and how
You helped me find it.
Sometimes I wish I were a bird
With fragile wings and a song to sing
Each morning, to sound the alarms of
Spring and make it known that I am in fact alive.
I have a tongue that cuts through lies
A blade honed by truth
But it's no use when my words fall
On deaf ears and my smile is met by
Only fear of reality.
It is by this name that I walk the earth
Desperately trying and crying out for the souls
Of the forgotten sons and daughters that
Have no names only graves and stones
Washed clean of an identity by the rain and the
Pain of years that have passed.
In a shell of a soldier I pick up the guise
Of a man on crusade for his faith in what once
Was a trance and now I can
Stop pretending that I have the answers
Before I even know the question.

All I need to do
Is make it through the day
Breathe in all the good
And blow the bad away.
Words form blisters on my tongue
Burning out the taste of you
Sweet and secure with a touch
Of ****** up.
I don't say that to just anyone
You know you were the first
Man I ever loved
But you weren't the last I will ever
Touch.
I left you behind in the rubble
Of what used to be our life
Our lie
Our alibi.
With every day I see clearly
The truth of what I've done
Who knew such consequence
Could be born of love and indecision.
Cloudy head and cloudy mind
Always afraid of things behind
The past never stays where it should
And I'd burn it all down if I could.
The last puff is always the worst
It's hard to swallow when my throat is
Clogged with lies
I forgot to tell you.

I never colored inside the lines
And i watch my lips kiss
The blue silk line across
My cigarette
I feel as though nothing was
Ever as beautiful
As right now.
My hair falls
Canopy to my tear struck face
Shelter from the storm.
I'm a minor chords type
Nothing ever tasted as sweet
As it did yesterday and
The grass is always greener
When someone else is
Speaking of it.
I take my coffee black and my
Souls even blacker
Take a picture of my eyes
So you know I'm always watching
As you sleep with eyes wide open
Lids heavy with insomnia
I'll be there to keep your peace.
I've never been so mixed up
So messed up so ****** up
Before in my whole life
And writing this doesn't even
Help to sort it out.
I'm a lost soul on a
Broken plane in a saddened world
Where people have no name...

I only miss you when
The day turns to night
And shadows creep across
The halls
When its only darkness
And i have to feel along the walls
Alone in this
Haunted house.
Full of memories and loss
And the sorrows of one thousand souls
Whose cries are heard from
All the holes
Left in the wall, an impression
Of my head
When you wished i was dead.
I only miss you when the
Stars cannot be seen and
When by my seventh shower
I don't feel clean
I only miss you when a song
Screams to me of those
Old feelings rare and raw
Or see a picture of things we saw
When i catch your scent
On the air
When i call your name to find
You are not there.
I miss you when i see your
Face in my dreams
You are the thing that goes bump
In the night
The monster unseen.
But when i think of all the
Hurt you made
The scars left by fingertips on
The skin you flayed...
I hate you in your hateful glory
I hope you lay awake, so sorry
To have lost the only thing you ever had
To have turned your one good thing
To something bad...
But i know I'm never in your head
As long as there's another girl
Thats in your bed....

I hate you and
The taste that you leave
You're like that hideous stain
I can't get off of my sleave
I hate the way you kiss
And the way your **** would miss
As if i were too small to find
Too dumb to mind
That you abused me every
Night and all day
And just when i thought i got away
You reel me in and hold me tight
And promise me that i'm alright.
Choke me til i hit the floor
**** me til i beg for more
Hit me til i see the stars
Throw my body in the car...
But you loved me then and
Love me still
And i know i have until
I give my heart to someone new
And break your broken heart in two
two...
And i would hate to see the
Sleepy tears
That fall from cheek to sheet
For years
For every night and think of you
And all the things we used to do
Before the whole world went all mad
Before my days were dark and sad
Before the fists and blood and sweat
Before i could make myself forget
Those three long years of
No tomorrows
The three long years
Of hopeless sorrows.

that i failed that day
and it wasn't a hearse
that took me away
just an ambulance
with blaring lights
at three in the morning
in the dead of night.
am i happier now
that i didn't succeed
that i didn't succumb
to my illness's greed
when i swallowed the pills
and i kissed you goodbye
waiting for the train
to my home
in the sky.
was i wrong to be scared
when i called 9-1-1
when i told them the truth
of what i had done
or should i have waited
and let the life leave my eyes
and smiled in triumph
as i faced my demise.
those that love me would say
that i did the right thing
that it wasn't my time
to hear the angels
sing
but i never told them that i
heard no angels that day
just the screaming of
demons
when i tried to pray
to the god i wished so much
to take me
from this life that had succeeded
to break me
but just silence from he
who was supposed to be there
as i slipped into death's arms
i was all too aware
of the smell of hell's sulfur
polluting the air.
so i asked for help
though i wanted it not
and every day that i live
the smell of hell's all i've got
to keep me from trying
again and again, so
i'll just have to wait
for a more timely
end.

the more time that passes
the more i realize
how short a
lifetime
really
is.
the more i try to figure out
what i want to be
when i "grow up"
the more i
question
what that
really
means.
i thought that growing up meant
i don't get to joke around
or read for fun or
take a nap
or throw a
fit.
i thought it meant that once i
turned eighteen i couldn't
buy a happy meal or
make mistakes or
build a snowman
or cry for no
reason.
but it seems like the older i
get the more i want
to do childish things
as if clinging to
the age of
innocence
i so desperately
wanted to
leave
behind.
the older i get
the more i
understand
the plight
of peter
pan
and the more i wish
i could have
appreciated
when i
was a
child
and had all the time
in the world.

I think about that place a lot
and the time I spent there
those three, excruciatingly
long days
and the things that lead me
to my stay.
life had finally pushed me
over the brink
and I took a few too many
pills one night,
a whole bottle, or two
trying to flush out
the demons
I always seemed to be
wrestling.
right before the high
set in
I began to panic
thinking of what my sister
would think of
if she saw me lying
dead and cold
on the floor
and I worried who might
find the body
since I was all alone
in that
apartment.
so I did the one thing
I wished no one would
upon swallowing...
I dialed those 3
numbers ingrained in each
American's brain.
I don't remember much
from that point on
except that I
went in an ambulance
at 3 in the morning
and I think I
remember feeling
sorry for the EMT's
because I was such a waste
not worth saving.
I think I remember my
doctor's face
and the soft coo of his
voice as he guided
my hand to
sign on the
dotted line.
I don't know if they
pumped my stomach
and I don't know
how they got me
from the
ER
to the psych ward
but I woke up
in strange clothes
in a strange bed
with a crying
roommate
and a cranky nurse
holding pills
in my face
that I couldn't
swallow
because I feared
I had no more
room in my
belly, not even
for one more.
And I stayed there for
3 days
but the one thing
I never told
a soul
was that those 3 days
were the most
serene days
I ever knew
tucked inside those
walls
with all the crazies
and their dolls
I am afraid to admit
it sort of felt
like home
and for once I
didn't feel so
alone...

I've been awake
for so long
now
that I can't
remember what
dreams
feel like
and though I rest
all day
I never feel
rested.
I'm restless and
tormented
by the
decisions I
have made
and I
find no
solace
in your arms
like I
did
before.
So many thoughts
swimming
against the
natural current of
my mind
giving me
daunting
headaches
that keep me
awake
for days.
I feel frantic
like there
is something I
forgot
to do
but I know that's
absurd
because I
haven't planned
on doing
anything
for a very
long
time.
I'm content to
just sit here
and waste
my life
away.

Heights and when
I look at someone's eyes
But only see the
Whites
And the sound of your
Voice telling me
It's time to make
That choice.
The way my breath
Leaves my lungs
As lies bounce off
Our tongues
And spiders that crawl
On my
Bedroom wall
While I sleep....
Time, never ending
Or simply
Suspending
Leaving things
Unfinished, undone
Nothing lost
Nothing won.
A meaningless life
Filled with
Struggle
And strife
Never reaching the end
Always have to pretend
To be fine
And the only
Face that you'll see
Is the one
That's not
Me
While the real me
Inside
Is content
Just to
Hide.

My favorite necklace
Is a noose
And I laugh when you
Make it too loose cuz
You're always trying
To save me.
You're my favorite
Voice inside my
Head
And the only
Monster underneath
My bed
But you don't
Exist, you're  just an
Extension of
Myself
Just like everybody
Else
In my life I ever loved
Cuz who I am
Is just not
Enough
For anyone to
Love for real.
My whole life
Revolves around
Fight or flight
Cuz I'd rather let myself
Drown
Then let someone
Down
And I'd give it all
Up, the little
That I have
Just to see you
Smile
Just to see you
Glad
To be alive
Even if you only
Exist
In my mind.

I've come to realize that
I have no home
No space I can
Call my own
No room where I can
Run and hide
When the world becomes
Too much
To bear
But no one cares
Cuz I bounce between
My parents house
And the apartment
I once called
Mine
But now only belongs to
Him.
He never did learn
To share
And the more days
I live on travel sized
Toothpaste
I realize how much
Of my life
Is a
Waste.
No job no skills
Just time
To ****
With this nagging
Sense of
Doom
I'm running out of room
To breathe.
No home to call my own
I've grown used to
Running
From my problems
And reaching for
A hand to save
Me from my open
Grave
But never find one there
Or anywhere.

and along the way
i seemed to
outgrow
you

i tend to over think things and
sometimes i'm too
sensitive
taking everything to heart.
there are days when
all i want
is to
cry
and others that are
filled with
laughter.
i'm clumsy and careless and
a little too self conscious
but if you care
enough
to let me in
i'll show you the
secrets
i hide behind this
cracked smile.
when i whisper
it's only because i
don't want to hear
my own voice
and when i sing
it's to tell you
how much
i love
you.
i love the beach right
before summer
really hits
and i love the
autumn leaves
before they
fall.
my favorite flavor is
you
and my sanctuary
is your
embrace
and when you laugh
it's like my own
lullaby.
but even with all
the beauty in
this world
i still
ceased to see
the light
and i gave in to the
darkness.
and ever since i
survived
i take it just
one day
at a
time
but i know
i'll be
alright
cuz i have you
right by
my
side.

it only seems fair
that after the dagger
i put in your heart
is removed,
i give you a free shot
at mine.
i thought that would be
the worst pain in
the world
but i was wrong;
the worst is knowing
i gave you that
chance but instead
you shook your head
and plunged the dagger
back through
your own
chest.

if i had the connections
i'm sorry to say
i'd probably be
addicted to
everything
cuz god knows
i'm hooked on
you.
i just have that type
of personality
that says there is
never too much of a good thing
but can't tell the
difference
between what's good
and what's
bad.
you are my gateway drug
and soon i know
i'll be in
over my
head.

Im irritable
And volatile
I can't help but notice
Nothing feels right anymore
And when I start to feel
Happy
Something in me says STOP
You aren't allowed to
Feel that way.
I cringe at your touch
But I find myself
Resenting you when you
Turn the other way
To sleep without
Me in your arms
And when you smile and say
I'm beautiful
It makes me want to
Slap the grin off your
Hideous face
The face I love
To hate.
This bitterness has made my mouth
Numb
From swallowing all these
Feelings for so long
And I noticed that you don't
Smile like you
Used to
Because you know what goes on
In the darkest corners
Of my mind
Even when I don't.
You know me better than
I know myself
But you really don't
Know me
At all...

i think i started five poems just now
trying to find the right words
some days they flow with ease
some days they sound
strained
the backspace button shows
the most wear on my keyboard;
i wish there was a
backspace
for life...
i stared at the screen too long
and it went black
tired of waiting for me to
think of some clever combination of words;
i never set a screensaver
there's something weird about those.
i read a poem the other day
by a poet telling us
what it takes to be
a poet
but i think anyone can be
whatever they want;
who are we to judge
when we are always writing
about those who
judge us?
our species is endangered
in this age of mindlessness
we are the catalyst
for creativity
the embers of the fire
started by the great minds
of ancient times...
will we let it die completely
or will we succeed
at rekindling its
greatness?

sometimes you ask me
where i go
when i seem so far out of reach
staring out my window
stopping short
half way through
a conversation about
me and you
and you get upset
when I sigh and tell you
that I
forget
cuz when i go to that
place
it leaves no sign
no trace
that i was ever there...
i watch as you try
to understand
why
i act the way i do
but i just smile
cuz i know
you'll be waiting
a while
cuz i haven't even
figured it out for
myself yet...
all i can say
is that i love you
today
and that really is
the best that
i can do
cuz the only thing
between me and
you
is your inability
to accept me
for me.

But I've been stuck in my own
                               Pluvial place for so long that
                  I no longer know what
                                                 Clear skies look like.

The devil once told me

Not to play with fire.

I don't know how to say
What I want to say
Or the words that you need to hear
To be ok
Or the excuses that will work
To calm your nerves
Or the things I need to do
To be the daughter
You deserve...
I don't know what to do
To fix my life
Do I need to be a friend
Or a sister
Or wife?
Do I have what it takes to
See this life through
Or am I too weak
Too meek
To stay true
To myself...
What words should I utter
To calm the shutter
I felt since the day I was born?
What things do you need to hear
To make you forget
Your daughter, your dear
Sweet wreck of a spawn
The girl with a head that's not quite on
The right way...
I have tried for so long
To belong
To this family
Yet the harder I try
The more that I die
Inside...So should I sacrifice
What's left of my happiness
So you can be a
Class A mom?
I hope that you know
That it's only a show
And the smile I wear
Isn't really there,
Is that fair
Of you to ask me to do?
I give up....it's up to you.

(Like how badly I want you to **** me
When you're trying to
Yell at me...
Like how much I want you to hold my hands
Behind my back and sink so far into my body
That I feel it in my soul...
Like how much it turns me on when
You press me into the mattress
With your hand around my throat
When you're trying to
Intimidate me...
Like how fiercely I hope for your kisses to turn to
Bites and I'll bleed all over the bed
And I'll sink down to my knees
While you hold me by
My hair
And make me **** you dry....)
So all I say is "Good night, I love you"
While I roll on my side
Pressing myself against you desperately
Hoping these are
Your wishes
Too...
But how would you know
If I'm too afraid
To tell you?

I'm with you but sometimes I wonder
If you're with me
Cuz when I say I love you sometimes
You just laugh and turn the other way.
There are days when I look at you and feel
An overwhelming coldness grip me
Like that first day of winter when I know
Fall has come to an end
And soon all of the beauty of Autumn
Will fall to the ground to be covered
And forgotten in the snow.
Once in a while when you smile at me
I know you love me for just that second
Like a film cell taken out of a
Movie that never ends...
Some days are fun and we go on trips to
Places we never even heard of
In states we never even saw
Just on a whim like a couple of bums
We picked up and packed up
And had *** in random beds along the way.
How can I love you so much
And give you so much
When I barely even see the real you
And when I do
He scares me...
I find myself wanting more and I feel bad
Because I know with you
I'll never get it
But I can't help but hope that one day
You'll see what you have
And you'll want to be better for me...
I wonder if that makes me
Selfish or if it just proves that
I'm only human.

Don't kiss me goodbye
Just kiss me hello
Maybe that way
You'll decide not to go.

Don't sleep by my side
Just sleep in my arms
Maybe that way
I'll protect you from harm.

Don't open your wings
Just open your heart
Maybe that way
We will not fall apart.

Don't tell me your lies
Just tell me the truth
Even though we are young
We have wasted our youth.

Don't say that you'll stay
Just say that you're done
And just kiss me hello
Then goodbye with your gun....

But I only see her once a month
Talk to her once a week
Think about her once a day...
Why then, do I call her
Best friend?
She is the only
Friend
I have...

my utter inability
    to take responsibility
             is killing me...
                    and the possibility
                            of Heaven's plausibility
                                     is thrilling me...
                                            while my capability
                                                    to harness my hostility
                                                          is willing me...
                                                               And the last of my civility
                                                                    Disappears in mere futility
                                                                          As death's cool kiss is chilling me...

Thunder in my ears
Brings me out from underneath
My memories
And all their insecurities
To the world around me
The world I wish I could forget.
Lightning flashes in my eyes
Behind the lids I see you
And you smile at my faint heart
As wind whistles through its holes
Left by those I wish I could forget.
Rain washes away my regret
But in its wake I feel a new wave of shame
As it crashes over my soul
To make up for the unforgiven
And to prepare for what is yet to come
And to cover up what I wish I could forget.

Time slips across my mind
Flowing through the gears that grind
Laying in a trance-like sleep
Counting minutes, counting sheep.
Dreams come and go like smoke
Each one does my heart evoke
And from my grasp each dream evades
While behind my eyelids each parades.
Dreams of heaven dreams of hell
Dreams so dark i shouldn't tell
Dreams that wake me in the night
Dreams that blot out all the light.
Lips that graze across my cheek
Stop the oozing tears that leak
Lost inside my silent slumber
Teary kisses hold me under.
But am i now too lost to find
The blinking EXIT in my mind?
I worry that its grown too late
For from these dreams i cant escape!
Find me, keep me, bring me back
Before my whole world turns to black
And when you find me hold me tight
Bring me closer to the light.
Wake me from this sleep my dear
I've been asleep too long i fear
But if i've stayed too long this way
With me, in dreams, i hope you'll stay.

There is a storm within my soul
It’s dark and it’s foreboding
I find myself caught in its thralls
And its wrath is just unfolding.


Rain and wind and sleet and hail
Plague my troubled skies
And as the raindrops drench my heart
My teardrops synchronize.


I find it hard to find the source
Of my gloomy situation
With panic in my stormy eyes
I scream in desperation.


And as I fight to find some light
The darkness presses on
And before I see it going…
My life, my soul, is gone.

Take me up the stairs and then
Lead me to your room
Lay me down and kiss my neck
And let the love ensue.
Push my hair behind my ears
And slowly move your hips
Listen as I say your name
And watch my smiling lips.
Hold me close and hold me tight
Keep it soft and smooth
And hear my whimpers in the night
As our bodies move.
And when the heat begins to grow
Look into my eyes
See the passion lurking there
Laid plain, and free of lies.
As our bodies mold to one
I can’t help but to feel
Without you I’d be half of me
The love we have is real.
So as my body arches up
And pleasure hits its peak
I melt into your arms once more
And sweetly drift to sleep.

Mother why are you crying
Could it be because I'm dying?
You thought the worst was in the past
I should tell you, you were wrong.

Father why are you yelling?
It just makes death more compelling;
You thought your voice would scare me
I should tell you, you are wrong.

Lover why are you leaving
I survived but still you're grieving?
You think you know best what's in my heart
I should tell you, you are wrong.

Brother why do you smile so wide
When I tell you I dream of suicide?
Thinking deep down I want to live
I should tell you, you are wrong.

Sister why must I love you so?
You are what makes it hard to go;
So innocent and fragile
You think the world so sweet and kind.
I should tell you, you are wrong.

So many people in my life
That question if this choice is right
They just don't know or comprehend
Why I so wish my life would end
And though I love them all so much
I feel so very out of touch
Even though I will be missed
I give them all a final kiss
You said this won't be my last song...
But I should tell you, you are wrong.

I gasp for air

But find none there

And try to find

Some piece of mind

As spiders weave

And sweethearts leave

From all the lies

Behind our eyes.

I scream your name

You stay the same

Silent as the setting sun

Lethal as my loaded gun

As children play

And secrets stay

Locked up tight

And out of sight.

I sing a song

So I feel strong

And watch the tears

Fall through the years

As fathers leave

And mothers grieve

I stay a stone…

I stay alone.

Hello up there my darling cloud
You’re pregnant with my tears;
Darkness looming overhead
I’m blinded by my fears.
How is it that you stay afloat
You never leave my side;
Constant reminder of my pain
You’ve stripped me of my pride.
Cloud of mine why must you stay
I can’t believe my eyes;
The worse I feel the more you grow,
You’ve eclipsed the sunny skies.
Listen very close, my cloud
I will not tell you twice;
Leave me now and leave for good
Before I pay the final price.
If you aren’t gone before I wake
I swear this night’s my last;
I’ll never move ahead in life
If I can’t escape my past.