That is...I smile when in reality
It's the last thing I want to do..
It means that when I feel like I want to die
When all I want to do is sit down and cry...
I put a sickening, stupid grin on my face
And make sure that it stays in place
For the world to see
That I really am
HAPPY
Even though I'm not...
So what I'm trying to say
Is each and every day
I cut and paste this ******* grin
In the space that lies above my chin
So that all the people that I see
Will shrug and think
She's finally
HAPPY
Even though I'm not...

Sitting in my paper house
Looking through the walls
I hear the breaking dishes
And the candle as it falls.
Burning house on paper hill
Rush to douse the fire
We just sit and laugh and stare
Tickled with desire.
Looking at our house of cards
On the bedroom floor
Laughing as we seal the windows
And lock the only door.
Then we spark another flame
And set the home ablaze
Laughing at the fiery light
That captivates our gaze.
Running from our paper lives
Stretched out way too thin
Transparent are our many lies
Translucent is our skin.
Giddy little children playing
Stupid little games
We laugh and cry and scream aloud
As our life goes up in flames.

What is life but a series of events
One then another, then another
Set up on cue like dominos.

What is love but a roll of film
A series of beautiful pictures
Eventually ending abruptly.

What is truth but a piece of a puzzle
Nothing without the other pieces
One from each eye that knows the whole.

What is the future but a glimpse of the past
My favorite song on repeat
Old and true and nothing new.

What is death but a stepping stone
A portal from this world to the next
With a dreary connoisseur, the Reaper.

What is life...but a dream.

There is                                               a twisted                                                   tree
    in the distance..                            with branches                                   reaching
     toward the                                      sky, forever                                  searching
        for the hand                              of God to come                                and fix the
       tormented                                   twisting limbs...                          to save it from
    the men that                                    want its bark                                and its heart
  and its old                                         and ancient                                     soul...but to
     its dismay                                        the tree does                                   not receive
       the help it seeks                           from the god it                            searched for
          and waited for                          and prayed to                          and hoped
                for in the dead                   of the night and                  the sting of
                       the day...                      because the god            it was expecting
                               turned               his back so long ago      that the
                                       whole earth forgot that he was real...so
                                            why is it, tree, that you still search
                                                for this god that has forsaken
                                                    us all? could you hold
                                                    an ancient truth buried
                                                    in your twisted frame?
                                                    I see this tree far away
                                                    Standing­ alone against
                                                    The starry sky, and I
                                                    Wonder how it got there
                                                     And how it has stayed
                                                    So long...It is then that
                                                  I notice the eerie whispers
                                               on the wind, coming from the
                                             archaic tree...and I realize that the
                                    god to which it begged for helo really did exist
                          because it he didn't, that beautiful, tattered, twisted tree
                 would have                                                             ­      been gone
                 years before                                                           ­      I could've
                    stumbled                            ­                                     upon its
                        grace...

This is the place where
                                                     No one sleeps
                    Nightmares walk the halls
                                           You can come in
     But never leave.
                                                       They watch through windows
                     Noting every movement
Whispering so we can't hear--
                    Judging us.
                                                                                  Treatments never end
                                          Sedated to numb the pain
            Of being fried
                                                              From inside out.
                  Barbaric, prehistoric methods
                                                                                To heal the wounded mind
           Of the sad and schizophrenic ,
                                               Silence voices, erase memories.
         Animals become human again
                                                                                     But those who don't take well
                               Turn from person to monster
  Feral, feared, and broken.
                                                                  Pills shoved down my throat
                       Hazy vision,
                                                             Numb and neglected
   Left shaking on my bed.
                                                                                No windows in the rooms
                             A box without light or sound or hope,
     Souls die in this place
                                                                             Hearts rot in this place.
                            Rejects of the world unite
                                                                                                All silent in their sorrow
               Each alone in the crowd
                                                   With a story sadder than the one before
                                    Wasting away by the day
      On the second level
                                                        Of elevator B.

What is it that you dream of
When I lie in your arms
Wide awake in the darkness
As I stare through your sleeping eyes.

The years slide through my memory
I pause on those spent with you
Savoring the sweetness
Trying to kindle them anew.

As you toss and turn
I feel the gap between us grow
So many feelings with no name
Too much history to start from scratch.

I cling to your body in desperation
Hoping the physical closeness
Will mend the metaphoric void
It's a child's dream, so fragile, so blind.

You almost wake when I squeeze too tight
If I loosen my grip will I lose you?
I risk it and my fears are realized
As I watch you drift out of reach...

Helpless
Drowning in these dreams
I'm ripping open
At the seams
Now nightmares roaming free
I cannot breathe
I cannot see.

Scared
Running out of time
I find no reason
Find no rhyme
To explain the way I feel
As my monsters
Become real.

Broken
Searching for the piece
To make this puzzle
Be complete
That night is gone
I can't remember
Summer gone
It's now December.

Cold
I feel my heart begin slow
I feel a sickness
Start to grow
Within my mind
Within my soul
I stare inside and lose control.

Tired
Eyelids heavy as the night
I see you
Though you're out of sight
I cannot breathe
Without you here
This life I live
Is what I fear.

Dead
The bottle in my hand
I'm dizzy
Can no longer stand
It's over
Finally I can smile
You know
I haven't for a while.

There is a door
   A secret door
      A lovely, painted, magic door
         Etched with a promise to take me to
            A world in which
               I'd want to live.
There is a place
   A hidden place
      A beautiful and enchanted place
         Home to people with the purest of souls
            People with which
               I'd love to live.
There is a home
   A perfect home
      A gorgeous, ageless, tiny home
         Adorned with rooms for those I love
            Rooms in which
               I dream I'll live.
There is a face
   A ravishing face
      A splendid, classy, radiant face
         The face I hope to one day wear
            When I go through the door
               To that place, my home.

I slept in your arms last night
Familiar yet so strange
You smelled of you and something else
Something that made me sad
Something I didn't know.
I slept in your heart last night
Gone for so long from that place
My sanctuary
Your bitter words can't find me there
Restful sleep found me at last.
I slept in your bed last night
It used to be mine too
Stains only we can see
Reminding us of a time we can't forget
We can't let go, can't move on
If we pretend, maybe it will always be this way.
I slept in your house last night
Rooms and doors I used to know
Filled with things that belong to someone else
Your friend, my replacement
I cry when I see no sign of me there
In what was once mine as well.
I slept in your arms last night....
So warm and welcoming
Desperate for me to fill them
Longing for something we will never have again
Something left broken in our every thought
Wishes that things were how they were
Not how they are
Not how they will be from now on.

I wish you would call me beautiful
Instead of "******* hot"
When age sets in and looks will fade
Being "****" matters not.
Beauty is something harder earned
On the inside, not the out
I think there's many in this messed up world
That forget what beauty is about.

When I look in the mirror there's one thing I see
The ghost of a girl that used to be me
So pale is her face, so tattered her shirt
The tears on her face make streaks in the dirt.

Fingers that clasp her heart in her hand
She watches it beat as she struggles to stand
Her lips form an O as she cries and she screams
She falls to the floor, comes apart at the seems.

This ghost of a girl once had her own name
But now that she's gone every word sounds the same
Inside out on the floor in what once was her room
Surrounded by darkness, gone blind from the gloom.

The girl in the mirror walks away from the glass
From her world to ours she somehow has passed
She approaches the ghost that now lies on the floor
And helps her arise while her insides still pour.

She gathers her up, every last little part
Gets a needle and thread and starts with the heart
Each thing put in its place then she sews it all in
And returns to the mirror she was meant to be in.

The ghost of the girl stares in awe at her face
The girl that once was has come back to this place
She was there all along she just needed some help
What a shock that she found she just needed herself.

I didn't know his name
Though it still would be the same
Had I known I'd be in pain
I never would have played his game.
I didn't know I'd die
When I looked him in the eye
If I had I might have cried
But of course, like most, he lied.
He told me I'd feel good
That I'd feel the way I should
With what happiness I could
I proudly told him that I would.
So I tried it and I loved it
And I wanted some more of it
Down my throat I tried to shove it
The feeling others seem to covet.
Feet are high above the ground
I'm lost and don't want to be found
There are words, I hear no sound
My heart and soul no longer bound.
Soon the buzz wears weak and thin
And the pain comes from within
Now the withdraw will begin
And we prepare for our next sin.
I'm so glad he introduced us
I don't care that he seduced us
With this new love that I feel
I'll never care for what is real.

Pack the bowl
Nice and tight
Drive away
In the night
With the pipe
In my hand
Smoke as much
As I can.
Thoughts are gone
From my head
I can't help
But feel dead
Even through
All the laughs
I can't escape
My awful past.
Stars dance
In the sky
I am so
Very high
Cigarette
In my hand
It's so hard
Just to stand.
Float away
To the clouds
Silence broken
By these sounds
I can't see
Through the haze
My whole life
Is ablaze.
No solace
No love
This drug's
Not enough
All I wanted
Was to feel
But I don't
Know what's real.
Broken heart
Broken smile
Broken dreams
Like a child
Time has slowed
To a stop
Jump from the ledge
The tippy top.
In the back
Of my head
I can hear
From the dead
Saying stop
Right away
So alive
You can stay
They are jealous
Most, of me
And the world
I still see.
Now the high is
Wearing thin
Feel the aching
From within
So I pack a
Little more
And get high just
Like before
So the pain
Will go away
If for only
Just a day.

E scape from myself, if only for a little while
M ake pretend that everything is ok
P ray to a God I don't believe in
T ell them all that I'm fine, but only
Y ou see through all the lies...

I ll conceived notions of happiness haunt me
N ever give me any peace while
S miles tickle my cheeks, but the warmth never makes it
I nside...and I
D ie a little more
E very day.

I love you but you don't exist
You live within my mind
Why is it that my heart aches
With the thought of losing a thought...
I dreamed you up one night
With perfect little toes and a tiny little nose...
My baby, my darling child
Sometimes I take a nap just to play with you.
You were real once upon a time
A little blip in my belly
Barely even recognized as life...
But I knew you were there...
And I knew as soon as you were gone...

These words are my best friends
My saving grace
The only thing that
Saves me from
Myself
And my darkest face...
I trudge through this muddy mess
I call my life
The truth laid plain on my ****** dress
I should know
I wield the knife...
I write when I don't have the courage
To speak
Some call this art
Some call this lame
Some call this weak...
But there is a beauty in the silence
The way your eyes read the words
That your ears can't hear...
But sometimes I wonder why I'm alive when
There are so many others
More deserving of the space I use
More deserving of the life I abuse...
And I turn to my only friends, these words
The only true friends that I deserve.

Back at the berry farm...
Boston's Berry Farm;
Where streams slide slick as oil
And beautiful birds choose their perches with caution.
With winding roads of dirt and dust,
Each pebble has its own face,
He throws one when I say no---
It hits my heart and shatters my hopes.
Silenced screams on the forest floor,
I bury myself in my mind
As he buries my head in his lap---
I stifle a cry, I swallow my pride, and I forget.
My best friend, my neighborhood knight
Picks up a baseball bat,
Slams the smile off of his face
Breaks his ribs, but doesn't break the promise.
No one knew, no one knows,
It stays buried under the maple leaves,
Under the twigs and the wildflowers,
Under the shadows of the silkworms' nests.

There's a sadness in your voice

A certain melancholic twinge

I've been asleep for many days

My sweet insomniactic binge.

Upon awaking I suppose

I sensed that something was amiss

A kind of jerking in the cogs

Of our love's cataclysmic bliss.

As though a veil had been removed

I saw the truth laid crystal clear

Behind the ambiance of love

There lay a monstrous pit of fear.

This tiny pill is all I have

For keeping me from going mad

But if one day I should run out

I'll go insane, I have no doubt.

The doctor said I need this pill

For in my brain I'm very ill

And though I seem to have it all

My love for life has grown too small.

I hate this life and my condition

I hate the need for this prescription

Although it keeps the monsters out

I wish that I could go without.

But even with this little cell

My mind is still not doing well

The doctors word was just a lie

I find that I still want to die.

Reaching for the tiny case

In my mouth, the pills I place

The pills that were prescribed to save

Have served to put me in my grave.

Just because I'm lonely

Doesn't mean that I'm alone

After all is stripped away

The last thing left is merely bone.

Like a skeleton in mourning

For her earthly beauty lost

I retreat to loveless solitude

Without knowing what it costs.

In the skin of those I envy

I walk through this world alone

With a smile shining brightly

Painted on this face of stone.

Hands reach down to save me

From this rut I've snuggled in

But I'd rather face this world without

Rather than have to look within...

What if you woke to find me gone
My life's final song still left unsung
The noose tied tight around my throat
Teardrops surround, near the letter I wrote.

Would you care, would you dare, to read the words
The ones, before, you never heard
As I screamed them in silence on deaf mens' ears
Ignored by you through all my years.

I see my breath upon the black canvas of the night

And try to **** it back inside

As I love you's jump from tongue to tongue;

Our hands entwined, our lips locked together

I wish I didn't have to say goodbye,

But it's time for me to go home.


I've come to call your arms my home

When they hold me tightly in the night;

It hurts so much when I have to say goodbye

And through my eyes you see inside

My soul. And we dance together

While you paint pictures with your tongue.


But my road is forked like a snakes tongue

And I cannot remember my way home

Or if we were always and will always be together

Or if it's day or if it's night

Or if my pain is outide or inside

My heart. And I wave goodbye.


Before I leave you plant a kiss goodbye

And I feel the sorrow seed grow on my tongue

Its roots reaching, digging deep inside

And growing into the ground. My home

Is so far away, and I won't get there until the night

Is over but it's ok because we're still together.


You ask me if we'll always be together

But I wonder if it's time to say goodbye

I cry and tears fall from the sky at night

And land on my stolen tongue.

You follow me home

And make sure that it's safe inside.


But I feel a burning deep inside

And I press my lips tight together

Because I'm afraid to scream. I'm home

But you will not say goodbye

And you have a sharpness to your tongue

That cuts right through the night.


And inside my heart I feel it darken like the night

Wishes that we could stay together roll from my tongue

But my home cannot be with you. Goodbye.

I feel it slipping—

Like sand through fingers

On the beach in my soul

Where the tide rages

And birds cannot find

Any food to eat

Because all that was planted

Is rotten

And all that was found

Was forgotten.

I feel it falling—

Like a man from the roof

Of his damnable house

When he feels he cannot

Take it anymore;

Where the birds sing their

Strangled songs

And sinners try to

Right their wrongs.

I feel it sliding—

Like an oil slick

On a gravel road

In the forests of my mind

Where children hide

Their broken smiles,

And jacks and jills

Roll down the hills

And secrets slide

From lips so wide

To ears so near they hear it clear.

I feel it breaking—

Like the ***** windows

In that damnable house

With finger prints

And drawings traced

By finger tips

Upon the panes of glass

Which shutter in the

Windy night

And whisper that it’s

All alright.

I feel it fading—

Like a fire waning

In the night

Beneath the stars

That burn so bright

And in the humid

Summer air

I know that it’s too late

To care;

But I feel it breaking

Snapping, shaking…

My sanity slipping from my grasp

Is getting way too hard to clasp.

It’s gone.