You'd think
In a world of 6 billion,
Living in a city if 300,000
I would have more to do.
But here I am
Missing you.

I know you've got
Friends and plans and a full life.
What do I have?
Just loneliness and a need to see you.
I know we will spend time
Together, and time apart.
I just wish it was
More of the latter
And almost none of the former.

But I know you need your life
And I have to create mine.
But I've isolated myself
In my mind

I'm trapped in my own thoughts.
I wish you knew this solitude

"Don't hide your eyes"
She said
Smiling at me.
Though I couldn't barely tell.
That smile was elusive.
The pursed lips were more common.
Not necessarily purposely done
Just a side affect
Of my brokenness.
She looked through the shards
And found the pieces to put
My life back together.

"Smile you handsome man"
Every day she said it.
Not as a way to cheer me up,
No, simply as a heartfelt way
To say "I love you"
In different terms
And it meant more.

"You know I love you"
She whispered it
When she thought I was sleeping.
But I was in that in between
The limbo
Of sleep and waking.
And I heard it.

And I knew

She meant every word
Because I loved her too

I love her still.
Isn't it wonderful?
To be in love?
Not as a way to show it off
But as a way to know
That you've found the right one.
That picks up the shards and makes
You're shattered heart whole again.

She's done that
And I have for her.
And we whisper those words.
And the dark gives them true life.
It hides our surface flaws.
It leaves only the words
And the love behind them

It's energy in the morning
Energy at night.
Getting me through work.
Always by my side
Doesn't speak, doesn't
Judge my actions.
Simply there always.

Unless I don't have money to buy it.

I could say it's like alcohol
But more addictive.
"I can stop anytime" I say
But that's untrue
It's my friend
In the simple green and red can.

Only one other knows my obsession
We share it
And that is why we remain friends.

Her eyes,
Her smile,

Her

Where
Memories remain
Where you feel whole
Or is it?

Running
Trying to move faster
To get away.
To put distance in between
Me and you.

Trying with all my might
To not be there anymore.
Legs pumping
Arms moving
Sweat dripping
I just want to get away.

But you're everywhere
Every place I look.
In everything I do.
In all the parts of my life.
And the horrible thing is

You can only run so fast in your head.

"Gonna marry that girl"
Are you?
"Marry her anyway"
Just for spite?

Do we think about these things?
About how it would be.
We'd all love that life
Married, 2 1/2 kids, white picket fence,
But is it attainable?

I think maybe it's not.
Maybe it's just one of those things.
It's better to dream about
Than to have.
Don't you know?
Life isn't that simple.

It's all ending and beginnings
But that's not anything we want.
We all want the forever
The always
But that's not real.

Real is ****** up.
Real is over and done.
Real is endings.
Real is tears and heartbreak.
Real is never what we dream of.

But there are high points.
There are smiles
There are joys
There are the in between moments.
There are high points.

There's love.
And that's what matters

My wish:

It's to be better for you

But I don't know if it will come true

one missed call

*one new voicemail

"This isn't working anymore. I'm sorry. Were done. Goodbye"

About this?
This insane thing they call love.

I've been in love
Sure.
But do I know love?
Maybe.
All I want really is
To be happy.
And maybe I don't know that
Either.

I've lived every day
Faked a smile
Laughed falsely
Cried truly
And begged for forgiveness.

Honestly I'm pretty lost in
This thing we call life
But really what I know about life
Is as much as I know about love.

So then
what do I know about anything?

Miss you
See you
Want you
Need you

All these things
They certainly are true
Or at least I'd like them to be.
The thing is
I know they're not true for you.

You've gone
Become someone new.
Someone despicable
Annoying
Aggravating
Appalling.

And that
That is why I know
When I say "I miss you"
I mean the old you
The one that was

The simple
Brown eyed girl that cried on my arm.
That sobbed when she missed me
That texted me every day
That smiled no matter what.
That promised forever.

But you know what?
You didn't mean those things.
So know this
When I said I need you
I don't mean it.

Because I have another now.
One who means what she says

I have the person who you were
And she means to stay that way

I love you
That's what it is
I've loved you
Every minute
Every second I've spent with you.

You smile
And my heart races.
You speak and
My ears are instantly listening.
I touch you
And the spark between is lights up.

My dear
I'll have you know
That minute by minute
My love for you has grown.
I'm amazed
I wish I could put this to words.
But simple words are nothing
They cannot describe how I feel.
You my love

I will love you until this world ends

I hate this feeling
Like it really doesn't matter.
I'm in love with everything
That is you.
And I'm trying so hard to be
Independent and non chalant
But I'm screaming on the inside.
Begging for you to say
"I love you more"
"I need you always"
I've got this inner turmoil.
Dread of my own being.
I want to be with you
Next to you
Touching you
Caressing and kissing you.
But I'm so far away.
God it's lonely here.
Nobody ever says that.
Love can be very lonely.
It's horrible to feel like this.
Like I'm an accessory to your life
And not the centerpiece you are
In mine.
How do I get rid of this....
This god awful feeling.
Maybe I'll never know
Just wandering through life
Hoping for an answer

One major promise broken
A thousand words unspoken.
And I thought for sure you'd see
Everything that makes up me.
I thought you would always know
That I will never ever go.
But instead you left them unsaid
The words rattling in your head.
You just couldn't face that life
With all my silly stupid strife.
You just could no longer see
Yourself happily married to me.
And I thought, no I was certain
That we could pull back the curtain.
And behind would be a sunlit window
And instead the ground is sallow.
I thought you could always look past
My failing and be my last
Girlfriend, lover, and honey.
The one I would spend all my money
On. The lovely lady of my world
And now my heart has been hurled
Into nothingness
Left to wander the abyss.
And you don't seem hurt at all
Like you never had this fall.
Like you knew this would happen
You seem to have been mapping
Your way right out of my life
And it's cutting my heart like a knife.
You know I've loved you always
Through all the **** and fall aways.
And it's a terrible knot
Like being punched and shot
That you could give up so casually
And forget our love so actually.
I thought I would spend a lifetime
Showing you you were all mine.
And instead you've run and hid
Shut the door and closed the lid.
I tried so hard for you dear
And I guess I never came near
The man you needed me to be
So now I have to let you go free.
Make no mistake I will cry a lot and
Already have. Staring at my hand
And wishing my ring finger could
Bear the ring I thought that it would.
Instead it lays bear and unknown
That I had plans to go down
To my grave with your love in my
Heart every single day letting you fly
Away from me is so terribly hard.
Smashing my heart to the last shard.
God I thought it would be amazing
To marry you and give you a real ring
But I guess it's not meant to be
And my heart I must keep totally free
I always thought you would love me
I guess I was wrong.

That you said a lot of things
But meant very few of them.
You said what I wanted to hear
Gave me hope when I had nothing.
And you took it away
Because, me, I believed you.
I believed every word you said
Because I needed them to be true.
I need you to mean what you said
"I love you"
"I need you"
"I will be yours forever"
I needed those words to be true.
Needed you to be true
Yet,
You weren't.
You were taking advantage of the moment. The time
It took me to fall in love.
You took my need and used your greed
To get something out of it for you
Only you.
You left me when you promised
Forever.
You disappeared and said
"I was young when I promised you that"
You made an excuse
To go off and leave me gasping
For air.
Pinching myself hoping to wake up.
Telling myself it would be a dream
Forcing myself to know it wasn't real.
And then
Then came the pain.
The regret.
The fear.
That I was wrong.
That something was wrong with me.
I've never known pain like that.
And I never will again.
You broke that part of me.
I'll never love like that again.
Because it's too hard to know the pain.
To have the fear of the same outcome.
Do I want love?
Yes.
I want the nights in my truck.
The days waiting for you.
The smiles from you
The look in those brown eyes.
I mistook it for love.
But that's not what it was.
It was something else.
Something without words put to it.
Something worse than hate.
I wanted the "I love you"s
The "I need you"s
The smiles and kisses.
All of that I needed it.
And you knew it.
Well you got your wish
I'm broken because I trusted you.
And that's the worse thing I can imagine
Because you made it seem simple.
Well goodnight and good luck ladybug.
This the last time.
The last day you'll get from me.
Because know I'll live for myself.
And maybe I'll know love again.
I don't know...
Maybe I don't want that