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Blades
Chandni Nov 2017
Blades
Blades are all different
they range in
shape,
size,
colour,

You choose what blade you use,
whether it be your sharp tongue,
or the ones you drag across your wrist,
they all inflict pain,
whether it be on yourself or others,
the truth is no matter how you use them,
what they look like,
or who they are used on,
they are all the same.

They all cause pain
#pain #blades
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Far From Away
Chandni Apr 2018
Far From Away
Send me away,
to a dark abyss,
where there is no sound or light,
where pain shall not make me hiss.

Away to a land,
where I'm allowed to be free,
where I don't fake emotions,
for my friends and family.

Allow me to soar,
to rise up to the sky,
see the world, and its true colours,
feel the wind as I fly.

Please...
    Send me away from this hell.
Far From Away fake pain sad anger fear
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Forgotten
Chandni Nov 2017
Forgotten
I see your smile and your laugh.

It hurts.

Every time I look your way,
it feels like a stab to the chest.

Is it an act? a play?
To make me feel the pain I put you through?

You moved on, rose above
but I'm still here, drowning in the repercussions of our actions,

of my actions.

I'm now just a distant memory to you,

Forgotten
#forgotten #repercussions #pain #exs #memories
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Green
Chandni Dec 2021
Green
Why do I feel like writing poems has to be so deep?
Why can't I just type about sun shining on a leaf?
But no, my heart cries out to describe
this dark and lonely feeling inside.

Maybe I just need to work on me,
I can't seem to explain why I'm full of jealousy.
And even though you're my closest friend.
You're the one person I can't tell about my thoughts of the end.

You're with him and I feel left in the dust.
But feeling happy and smiling for you is a must.
I never want you to see this green side of me
but one day this side might be the only side to see.

I will try my best, to hold myself back,
because for you, I will take on any attack.
It's been a while since I was here, hasn't it?
#jealous #friendship #love #anger
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High School
Chandni Feb 2018
High School
"The best four years of your life"
more like four whole years of stress and strife.

It's like an inescapable cage
filled with people who can't act their own age.

Hearing all the kids trying to sound cool,
When in all honesty you just want to see their blood pool.

Fake love, fake people, unsure of who to trust,
but apparently, in school, popularity is a must.

Going through seven classes a day,
wishing you could just make the pain go away.

I want to give up, just get up and fly,
but perhaps a better solution would be to just die.
#high #school #grades #stress #death #suicide #exams
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I have a Dream
Chandni Nov 2017
I have a Dream
Where blood will not pour
Out of the cuts on our wrists
From the knives we drag across them
I have a dream

We will not hang ourselves
From the ceilings
And create pools from the tears of our loved ones
I have a dream

Taking the bottle of pills
Pouring them out into our throats
Swallowing them, hoping for the pain to go with it
I have a dream

Looking down into the river
Staring at the reflections
Of faces we don't recognise anymore
I have a dream

A day where we
Fill the cup of bleach and burn our mouths
And hoping to burn the pain of our lives with it
I have a dream
But nightmares are dreams too...
#selfharm #dreams #death #suicide #family #friends #nightmares
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I'm out
Chandni Apr 2019
I'm out
It's a script
It's a cycle
Like we're on repeat
The same words tossed around
Without missing a beat

I'm sick of this
I'm done
I don't even give a ****
I don't care about your opinions
I'll break them like a battering ram

You tell me I'm wrong
That I'm misguided, incorrect
But to be honest
Your words now have no effect

I tried to explain to you
I just wanted you to listen
But despite how much I try
It's like tuning out is your new addiction

So no more begging on my knees,
Pleading for you to understand,
******* and your deaf ears,
Obviously your mind is a wasteland.
Honestly writing this felt so good. It released a bunch of dry anger and I feel so much better. Honestly ***** people who choose not to listen and think that their opinions are right without listening to the other side fully. I can safely say I'm over it
#vengeance #love #anger #breaking #waste #addiction
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I'm Sorry
Chandni Dec 2017
I'm Sorry
Dear Hair,
I'm sorry for turning you grey and white with my stress.

Dear Brain,
I'm sorry for all the depressing thoughts and worries.

Dear Eyes,
I'm sorry for drowning you in the tears from my breakdowns.

Dear Mouth,
I'm sorry for all the kind lies and obscene truths I made you say.

Dear Neck,
I'm sorry for the red marks caused by the ropes I've tied around you.

Dear Shoulders,
I'm sorry for making you carry the weight of the world.

Dear Arms,
I'm sorry for the short, painful, cuts, causing the blood to pour out.

Dear Hands,
I'm sorry for making you drag razors, scissors, and blades across my body.

Dear Heart,
I'm sorry for breaking you up into microscopic shards.

Dear Stomach,
I'm sorry for all the butterflies from the thoughts of him.

Dear Feet,
I'm sorry for all the problems I made you run away from.

Dear Dreams,
I'm sorry I had to crush you for the sake of making others happy.

Dear Feelings,
I'm sorry for trying to erase you from my life.

Dear Friends,
I'm sorry that I've been doing such a bad job at keeping my mask on.

Dear Family,
I'm sorry for being a disappointment.

Dear World,
I'm sorry that I had to pain you with my existence.

And lastly,

Dear M,
I'm sorry that you have to go through so much without me by your side.
If M is reading this (They know who they are) I'm so sorry that I never tell you what's going on in my life, or that I push you to tell me what's wrong. I just want to help, but I can't help feeling like I'm making things worse. I love you to the moon and back, forever and always. Please, never forget that.
#sorry #for #the #truth
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Just a Thought...
Chandni Feb 2018
Just a Thought...
It's just a thought,
It's just a dream,
only inside my mind,
but why do I want to scream?
I honestly don't know where I was going with this, but whatever here it is? umm yeah, that's all.
#mind #thought #dream #scream #anger
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Last flight
Chandni Nov 2017
Last flight
The last flight,
your last fight.
right before you jump
right before you leap,
off that cliff,
into the darkness and insanity.

The last battle,
your last attempt.
To fight the demons inside your mind.
to fight the terrible monsters that ravage your beautiful mind,

The demon is you.
You attack your skin with blades of steel,
You destroy your mind
with evil words that break you apart.

If only you could see the beauty,
in your wings, in your strength,
for fighting, for flying this long.
fight your last battle,
Soar above the darkness,
you are unstoppable.

Take your last flight beautiful demon.
do you ever just feel so sick of life that you just want to jump off a cliff, and you feel so capable of it, but then you just feel that sudden bit of fear and you stop yourself


This is a work in progress, I know it doesn't have rhythm or rhyme, please comment any suggestions!
#demon #jump #wings
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Revival
Chandni 1d
Revival
From ashes I rose, a phoenix reborn,
With feathers of hope, a heart newly sworn.
I thought I had healed, the pain left behind,
A future so bright, a renewed peace of mind.

I ventured beyond, a grand hopeful start,
To mend a lost love, to ease a scarred heart.
But shadows crept in, a familiar sight,
A chill in the air, a dimming of light.

The wounds I thought healed, began to un-stitch,
A darkness returning, a painful, cold *****.
The warmth I thought found, now slipping away,
A fortress I build, to hold it all at bay.

No saviour shall come, no magical repair,
My strength is my own, my burdens to bear.
I’ll weather this storm, alone and forlorn,
Until the may shine again, maybe hope can be reborn?
One step forward and three steps back -C
#love #betrayal #hope
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The Hate in Me
Chandni Dec 2017
The Hate in Me
There is hate in me,
behind my happy, innocent, calmness,
beneath the surface of my optimism
lies a demon of anger, depression, and fear.

But I can't let the hate go onto others,
they don't deserve to feel the pain of the cruel words I think,
the sadness that tides me make me cry oceans before I sleep,
So it gets released onto me.

Each scar on my wrist represents a fight,
a battle with this internal monster.
Each line means another win, for I have not given up,
not yet.

I will keep fighting.
Fighting so that my friends never need to feel this pain,
so that they never need to  worry,
so that I can keep smiling for them.

I will always fight,
and I won't lose to the hate in me.
I know this definitely isn't my best. It was more of a venting session than actual poetry. Sorry.
#demon #fight #hate #evil #anger #depression
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The Highlander
Chandni Nov 2017
The Highlander
His heart was in the highlands
and mine was down by the sea.
Although we were different in every way,
I felt as though he was the one for me.

I gave him my heart,
I poured out my soul
I trusted him completely
and now in my chest, he has left a hole.

I felt betrayed and depressed,
but I forgave him all the same,
believing the fault was mine
and that he was not to blame.

My wrists are now bleeding,
staining my white shirt red,
I know not to keep my heart on my sleeve,
but to keep it locked far away instead.
In case you ever see this Highlander, just know I have been hurt, I don't trust you, no matter how much I want to. I can't.
#highlander #cheated #forgiveness #lies #blame #hidden #heart
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The Mirror on my wall
Chandni Aug 2018
The Mirror on my wall
There's a mirror, hanging on my wall.
It shows me images of what it sees.
There's no bias. No judgement.
All I see is the hideous monster I call me.
This one is rather short
#mirror #on #my #wall #whos #the #fairest #of #them #all
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Trapped
Chandni Feb 2018
Trapped
Stuck in this prison,
confined by its walls,
I can't shake this feeling,
that I'm stuck in these halls.

I'm trapped in my mind,
I can see the light,
but somethings holding me back,
keeping me in the darkness of the night.

My friends will support,
but they don't really see,
how broken I truly am,
how I wish I couldn't breathe.

I feel stuck in place,
not able to move,
as if one little step,
would be disapproved.

Walking on society's thin wire,
as fragile as glass,
one wrong step means
you'll be at the bottom of the class.

With the weight of people's emotions,
all on my shoulder's,
you'd think I could handle it,
that I'd be strong like a soldier.

But instead, I feel weak,
I couldn't adapt.
and now I am stuck here.
Now I am trapped
#trapped #cage #emotions #misery
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Which mask today?
Chandni Aug 2018
Which mask today?
Should I show anger?
With a scowl on my face?
My brows furrowed,
pushing people away with disgrace.

Or perhaps show kindness,
with a fake smile and kind eyes.
With a Laugh full of life
but holding back tears and lies.

Maybe today I'll show sadness,
with grey storms in my mind,
wanting to wrap my neck up,
in a rope that's unkind.

Some days I don't wear a mask,
I attempt to be free,
but I hate the way people point and stare,
making me think "What's wrong with me?"

I have too many masks,
that I wear as my mind decays,
but why do I feel so numb,
today on my birthday?
Sorry, I haven't been online in a while, life has been hell...and today more so than ever.
#masks #anger #kind #sad #freedom #love #happiness #emotional
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