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3.0k · Jul 2021
6 years later 5/07/2021
Laiba Jul 2021
She saw him
My mother saw him her abuser
Eye to eye they stared at each other
For him to laugh and look down in embarrassment
For her to leave all shaken up
Now her kids are too terrified to leave home
Incase they see him...
My mum saw my dad he didn't speak to her just laughed at her
She didn't speak to him but 6 years later she saw him and I'm now too terrified to leave but I'm strong we will get though it
1.8k · Jul 2021
I let go 13/07/2021
Laiba Jul 2021
i let go of the tightrope that was supposed to protect me and be mine
for i now know that this world is a place not for me
i know nobody will hold me and my siblings hand and say
"we are here for you, laiba,nida and ayaan"
we gotta be there for ourselves now
like we always have been

broken and destroyed
the world has done this to us
heard and called us mad
like we was something born out of an outcast to society
Who knew that being born out of **** will have such harsh consequences

let us be
and let us breathe
stop strangling us with your words
now this heart has had enough
Just a EVERYDAY through
1.4k · Jun 2021
stolen and taken away
Laiba Jun 2021
I was born in this world without a choice.
if i knew  what my life was going to be no doubt would i have chosen not to exist.
Born into two people who claimed that one was my mother and one was my father
because  being a mother or a father isn't just producing a fetus its about living up to the role
None of mine did.
No choice but to grow up to fast
by age 5 i was hiding knives and tablets preventing my mothers suicide attempts
running around and crashing into that monsters soul
afraid i would  take two steps back
and he would take two steps forward
he would hold my hand and take me to my mother
the rest is a blur
all i know was i would see her naked body and him next to her.

Cold heated shouts blew me away
drowned me in none other then sadness and fear
my siblings become like my children
who i tried to protect
but we would come together to keep each other safe.
the routine of hiding knives become a game we made
social services meant to care or to protect?
watched the monster silence us and left us and deemed it was  safe
safe despite watching the "parents" argue
safe despite  him being cautioned  and kept away for beating my sister when she was 7
who knew these services would later be the reason why innocent  lives were sacrificed for a cycle of abuse that would never seem to end....
a poem i wrote on a very dark day....
reflections
1.3k · Jul 2021
My silence.
Laiba Jul 2021
Don't ever take my silence for granted
It's got more power then words could ever have.
Listen closely and you will hear
That I no longer trust a soul
Being let down doesn't always feel great.
My ptsd takes things more then I would as person. But once I loose trust its very hard to bring back.
1.1k · Nov 2019
Daddy
Laiba Nov 2019
Daddy
If
Only
You knew
I wait
Even
Today for
You to
Tell me you love me
982 · Nov 2019
Monster
Laiba Nov 2019
To the monster under my bed
I know your not real
So leave me alone
And let me sleep
Just one minute in peace
Monster is my dad he haunts me every night
944 · Oct 2019
I am scared.
Laiba Oct 2019
I am scared
Terrfied
In fear
That
If i close my eyes
The **** scenes
Will play again
I have no energy left
HELP me I feel so alone I am just a kid I can't take it on my own
942 · Nov 2019
Want
Laiba Nov 2019
What I really want
What I really really want
Is to die
I HATE LIFE
917 · Oct 2019
Letting go
Laiba Oct 2019
"Let go now"
"Why you letting the monster win"
"How long does it take to move on"
To the people who say that to me
The monster you want me to let go off
Isnt  letting go of me
I don't know
911 · Oct 2019
Dear nightmares
Laiba Oct 2019
Please stop hurting me at night
Your making me feel not right
I feel so abnormal due to you
So my hardest plead let me go
Free me from your cluthes
Wave me goodbye
Tell me I am a sket one thousend times
While I sleep the voices that scream
But don't play the grousmosue memories
Of a child being *****
I am tired
Of not sleeping
In the fear
That the memory will reappear
Nightmares that hurts me everynight
802 · Oct 2019
A girl
Laiba Oct 2019
Let me tell you a story
Of a little girl that knew me
She was only nine
The age of innconce
The age of fun
But there was a hidden
Secret sounding the walls of the house
To everyone they seemed normal
But the clouds above them knew the truth
It starts of with one slap
Then two slaps
Then three
Then the hands touch her naked body
And the little girl cries herself to sleep
And the little creep
Just laughs.
The creep creaps into the little girls room
Exploits her little body
And his right to be a father
And leaves her left to wonder
Till this very second
She wonders
She is I
And I is me
746 · Sep 2019
To all the survivors
Laiba Sep 2019
This may be hard to hear and feels like i am stating a streotype comment
But for all those surviors of ****** abuse
I just want to let you know your not alone
I know everyday is a sturggle to get out of bed
Constent worrying and pain
And the questions that wont let go
You just want to end it all
You think its your fault and even if the world was telling you its not your sitting there thinking Oh my god please just shut up
I understand that but just know its okay not to be okay
And i know you feel ***** and you want to hurt yourself,blame yourself
And even if i tell you dont do it your letting the monster win
It makes no difference
So what i am going to say is hold on tight i know the journey is painful
But once you reach it will be raimbows
The nightmares the flashbacks  i know its painful
I know it hurts more then anything
But i promise you that as long as your safe
No hands will ever touch you again
I know its hard and cry all you want
But once your finshed be sure to know that you can do it again whenever you want
Your not a victim you Are a survivor


But the truth is i will never know your pain
Nobody can ever guess what you might me going through
All you know is what your going through
But empathy is somthing that only works to an extent....
This is what i go through...
734 · Aug 2020
A game
Laiba Aug 2020
It started of as a joke
Like a game gone wrong
But when i heard her cry
I knew there was somthing
Terribly wrong
727 · Sep 2020
22/09/2020
Laiba Sep 2020
It's HIS birthday today
THE MAN who ruiend me
he was meant to be my DADDY
Not my abuser
Why did GOD
Have to create him....
700 · Nov 2020
To my nine year old me
Laiba Nov 2020
I'm sorry
I'm truly sorry
To my 9 year old youger self
For enduring what you did
I don't blame you
I feel angry at the person who did this To you
You was so inncocnt
Just looking to be loved
To be protected

Yeh you might of lost your womanhood to your own dad
But that was not your choice
It was forced...

The 15 year old me is just dealing with his actions not yours
Dear 9 year old me
685 · Oct 2020
Trigger 2/10/2020
Laiba Oct 2020
He was in my head
Today
He was abusing me in the rain
I focused on the rain and ignored
The pain
The hurt
The exploitiaion
The rain protected me
Triggered today by the rain in London
600 · Nov 2019
Believe in yourself
Laiba Nov 2019
You are somebody's reason
To smile today
Laiba Nov 2020
Today Is the day I was born
The day i hate the most
Why was I born
If only to be be hurt by the person who help produce me.
I'm bad luck and a jinx


guess what to the man who hurt me
You ain't worth of being my dad
So i am going to celebrate my birthday embrace it no matter what..
You are not worthy of controlling me at 16!!!
553 · Apr 2020
Inside my mind
Laiba Apr 2020
My silent screams go unnoticed
My darkend days unchecked
I wish they believed me when i said it did happen
The emptiness is all consuming
It stole away my breathe
Self harm is always an option
Sucide is wish
That wouldn't happen to me
Because even death has rejected me
The memories of being suffocated by the man you called dad totures my head every minute
But now....
I got nothin to say
My words ran away with my happiness
Dear life
Let me go
539 · Sep 2020
30/09/2020
Laiba Sep 2020
I was only nine
When you
Stole away
What was meant to be mine
My body
537 · Aug 2020
I wish
Laiba Aug 2020
I wish I could say
That life is much more beautful
I wish I could say
You don't appear in my dreams
I wish I could say
You are behind bars for hurting me
But all i can say is
My mum is dealing with the mess you created
Expedition
527 · Sep 2020
The world around me
Laiba Sep 2020
Look around and all i can see
Is the hatred of the world
The anger the pain
They laugh at me
They say
Sket did it once
Do it again...
Sinice I was 9 my dad abused me people get into me and blame me sad life but meh.
525 · Nov 2019
Why did i bother?
Laiba Nov 2019
When he said to me
Do u love me
I said Yeh more then anything
When i asked him
Do you love me
He laughed and said
No you sket
Dad why did u say
Why did i bother
503 · Aug 2020
Life lesson
Laiba Aug 2020
Dad you taught me the biggest lesson of life

Never marry anyone like you ..
Broken hurt and learnt one lesson
498 · Sep 2020
28/09/2020
Laiba Sep 2020
My heart is crying
My mind is screaming
Daddy let me go
Let me go
He says no
You have to watch this
I say
Daddy  do you love me now
He says no
The triggered memorey
448 · Nov 2019
Being laiba
Laiba Nov 2019
The saddest part of being laiba
Is that even  if the world told me
It's not my fault
I would sit there
And say it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it isit is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is
It is is it is it is it it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is  it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is it is
MY FAULT
Life is ****
Being a **** survivor is even *******
And being laiba Is the shittest
446 · Aug 2020
Sleep
Laiba Aug 2020
Sleep is my pain
I close my eyes
And the nightmares
Start of the memories i didn't choose to go through
The memories of being hurt
Being tortured
By the man I called daddy
So sleep is pain
That's when it all comes back
To bite me in the neck
Nightmares have destroyed me
423 · Jul 2021
pride month poem
Laiba Jul 2021
Imagine this...
falling in love and finding somebody that  is your soulmate or your first ever crush
and they look at you in your eyes and say life is better now that i have found you
and the butterflies just dance in your stomach
and you think to yourself that this cant  get any better..
But this feeling does not simply come  just by loving the opposite gender
it can come by loving the same gender as you
or you feel the same way with both genders
and that is okay nothing wrong with that
to the people who think this is wrong
ask yourself this
since when you can you control who you love?


Love has no color  
no filter
Love can never be wrong
nor something that shouldn't happen...
love who you want if that how you feel and then that is   how you feel
Being yourself and accepting who you are can never be wrong
The norm is different for everyone
your norm may be the norm for u but not for your friend
and that isn't wrong.
we do not   have to live up to other peoples normal
live up to your own self being.

surround yourself with people you want
do not  let others choose your sexuality
continue being your beautiful wonderful and unstoppable self
and nothing should stop you from being this person
and remember love is love no matter who its with

Hope can never be silenced
and so i hope that we come to a place in this world
were we wouldn't have to "come out"
we would just simply say "we are in love and that all that is important"
not who it is...
lets start to treat people like human
rather then determine that on their sexuality
remember love is love and its different for everyone
a poem i wrote last month on pride
418 · Nov 2019
Trigger
Laiba Nov 2019
One cut
Two cuts
Three cuts


Day 1 cleen  
Day 2 clean

Relapse trigger by words
Just once more time


Day 1 clean
Soul has gone
No soul to cut
Day 2 clean
Day 3 clean
Death has erupted to the wrong vain


But
Isn't
That
What
I wanted
To end
This war
In my head
418 · Nov 2019
Love
Laiba Nov 2019
Why is it that the people
We love the most
Hurt us the most
Dad
This aimed at you
Sorry i had to do this thoughts of the might
402 · Aug 2020
SHOUT
Laiba Aug 2020
I wanted to shout  
I wanted to scream
Daddy STOP it hurts
But all i could do Is lay in scilence
While you ripped me layer by layer
388 · Jul 2021
Relapsed
Laiba Jul 2021
I cut a year ago
I cut a month ago
I cut 2 weeks ago
I cut 24 hours ago
I cut 24 minutes ago
370 · Jul 2020
Daddy tell me
Laiba Jul 2020
Daddy why did u hurt me
Daddy why did u put your hands all  over me
Daddy please tell me
Laiba is breaking apart
And that isnt fair
No freinds no nothing
She can't hear the phase "who will be the one to loose your virginity"
All I can remeber is my dad was the first
Not my childhood sweetheart ..
True story stay strong it gets better
359 · Jul 2020
Relapsed
Laiba Jul 2020
My heart is beating so fast
Fast like fast
Faster then fast
The  urge is to self harm
29/07/2020
Relapsed...
My heart beated fast
My mind acted fast
Officially relapsed after being clean for so many months and its all because i feel low I feel anxious I feel worthless
355 · Oct 2019
A fantasy world
Laiba Oct 2019
Will daddy walk me down the aile  too
I stop and think
I just want that fantasy world of mine to come true
My father holding my hand and walking me to My future beloved
It suddenly comes to me
It suddenly hits me in the brain that is  classed vulnerable
Daddy isnt daddy
Daddy is a ******
Daddy ***** you
And mum
He will never walk you down the aile.
And then I become that week child
Who is suffering everyday.
A dream that will never come true the evil monster who needs to leave my head alone
353 · Nov 2019
PIN DROP
Laiba Nov 2019
DRIP DROP
DRIP DROP
THE PINDROP SILENCE
OVERTUREND BY MY TEARS
Broken
Alone
Tears
Crying
Anger
****** abuse truama and its everlasting affects
351 · Nov 2019
Mummy
Laiba Nov 2019
Mummy
If Only you knew
The pain he inflicts on you
Hurts me
If Only you knew
How much I love you
He ***** her I saw
I hate her she thinks
He is dad.
351 · Dec 2019
Joke
Laiba Dec 2019
I am a joke
To people
Feelings for me I find
339 · Oct 2019
If
Laiba Oct 2019
If
If you could read my mind right now
You would be in tears.
Short but my feelings right now
329 · Oct 2020
Happy birthday
Laiba Oct 2020
Happy birthday my best friend
My partner in crime.
My laughter.
My joy.
My life.
My everything.
My beauful sister
My actual biological sister
I love you stay blessed
325 · Feb 2022
The storm
Laiba Feb 2022
To face the storm head on..
Having no choice but to do so
Because life throws pain at you and there is sometimes more often than I should of knew that nobody will come to save me
I learnt It the hard way
Alone and afraid with the storm building up over me

The storm follows me each day
Reminding me of the nightmares i have endured
I pray and pray please take this storm away with little bit of sun or even some rain

The rain is good, at least nobody can see me cry .
Sometimes the storm is my only friend listening to me and my pain
Sometimes it's my enemy never leaving me alone.


The storm is as loud as something I can't say
Echoing in my ear
I have to face it no doubt because I have no other choice.


I hope one day this storm will disappear
And I can finally start living again, breathing again, smiling again.

The list is endless…
I'm back now on HP :)
325 · Dec 2019
Untitled
Laiba Dec 2019
Help me God
I feel so alone
I am just a kid
I can't take it on my own
Sadness filled my heart  I am sourneded by people but cannot see people
321 · Jul 2021
Trust no longer 3/07/2021
Laiba Jul 2021
I don't trust no longer
My trust for others is a thread
Easy to turn a blind eye too
Not intentionally done to harm me
But my PTSD says otherwise

Can't convince my mind to believe that you was looking out for my safety
And you cared about my life
When you should of known out of everyone in this world
That what you did would of been more damaging then anything

That's the ptsd thinking like that
I know the meaning behind it was to protect me
But convince insanity that
306 · Nov 2020
9/11/2020
Laiba Nov 2020
Silenced
Ashamed
Why do i have to be this why
287 · Oct 2019
Can't wont stop
Laiba Oct 2019
I am not strong
Never will be
Cant be
So stop telling me to be
Thoughts this morning
284 · Jul 2021
Untitled
Laiba Jul 2021
I feel so low.
I feel so scared
Tell me why do I have to be this way
Tired
And afraid
I cut myself once again
Not wanting to die but to get rid of the pain
So please help me understand why do I deserve all this pain.
260 · Sep 2020
Head vs heart
Laiba Sep 2020
My head
My heart
All says the one thing
Let it go enough is enough
256 · Dec 2019
HEY
Laiba Dec 2019
HEY
Hey.
It's laiba.
The girl
Who is so broken
No glue
No tape
Can fix
Her
Sadness is hurting me worst days
Laiba Sep 2022
"Don't worry i will be okay, daddy will look after me"
how stupid was i to be so innocent and think he will protect me, look after me and be a dad to me.
the day  i said those words, he took my body away from me
.
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