Behind my smile lie my fears

Behind those laughs I hide my tears

I'm one of those you call fake

And the more I go the more I ache


I have a dark secret I cannot tell

Sometimes it feels like a wizard's spell

I've been told it's not my fault

How could I know it was assault?

How would you expect that from your father?

But dear laiba why wouldn't you know?

He ***** your mum infront of you remember

He showed you videos. 

You **** remember that clearly 

You did what he said.


I still see him everywhere

Why is that? It's so unfair

He took away my innocence

He forced me into silence

Told me I deserved to die 

Said children like me need pain.

Said I was ugly and reordered every minute of me crying about it.


They say I should forgive

But he's made my life hard to live

I see him in my dreams

I hope he can hear my screams

I hope he can hear my innocence telling him I love him and "daddy can we draw after"

"Daddy your my superhero"



It isn't fair that he's free

He ruined my life the day he molested me

I try to move forward

But it's as if I'm anchored

Held back by this voice saying I don't deserve to live.

Let me go I say let me go

But the voice repeats back I dare you to try.

It's his voice..


I'm trying real hard

But still I'm so scarred

I try to hide my pain

Even though it drives me insane

I try my best but how much can I take 

Until it destroys me

To anyone reading this please save me from me.


To you I may seem happy

But deep inside I'm really angry

Because behind my smile lie my fears

Because behind those laughs I hide my tears

I'm the one you call fake

Some days I just wish people knew how much I ache.

How tired I am 

And how much my mind puts me through

The scariest part isn't my Sadness,

Or the emptiness in my loneliness

Not even the fact darkness has rejected me

Its the realization at 2am

That you don't have the energy to cry or to cut

How do i narrate this pain to you

Why is crying in my fate?

I am slowly breaking and it's not fair

How do i **** this pain

Without killing myself

I'm scared of the what if... what if I see him

What if he hurts me

He was meant to be my dad

Not my abuser

He was meant to protect me

My helplessness is in my eyes

It reads out help me before i die

In this kind of pain

I may die bearing it

Or even get used to myself

And I am scared….

The people making me

Cry are telling me to wipe my tears

And he isn't here anymore

But still breaths in my head

Everyday i scream silently

I hide my screams with a mask

My own look at me like I have commited a crime by saying thay I'm not fine

Laiba is hurting for too long

How much more can she take

I am sorry for not being happy

For being scared and the fear consuming me.

But what do you know

What I been through and why his presence scares me

The anguish of my mind
Is like a burden for me to ****
I can no longer bare the suffering
The crying
The young girl who begs to be heard

My pain is no longer a survival tool
But a lighter and the 9 year old the fire
Time to burn both of them.
Let go
Goodbye.

It hurts me
To know
She's crying because of me
I didn't mean to cause her distress
She's my sister at the end of the day.
She worries she says I wish I could of seen you struggle Insted of cutting
I cry because i don't want to be her reason behind her tears
She's my sister
My world

You never expect it to happen do you?
or do you just choose to turn a blind eye to something you wish wasn't happening?
to all the people who should have noticed something wasn't right
thank you for ruining my life.

thank you for never thinking twice about why a child might wet the bed till the age of 11
for not releasing how scared she was to be alone with the man
for asking you to sleep with her and telling you clearly she was scared

oh well... it happened now...
because you chose to turn a blind eye..

I






















Hate life
I really desire a knife

I wish I die.
And  nobody will cry

The voice in my head
That hates me so much
That tells me to cut
As much As I want
And i don't but want to
Let my emotions out
But i cant do this no more
Deja vue is releasing itself
This time last year I cut and got sent to hospital
And it was a bad place
So please voice in my head
Let me go

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE


SOMONE **** ME
I EVEN USED MY MANNARS

The person that saw my worth
Liked me for me.
Passed away without me
Telling him
I saw him the way he saw me

There will be a day where I can look at him in the eye
And say
You are
Evil
You are a
Monster
You are not my dad anymore

Self care.
Loving yourself for you
Giving yourself a break
Do i really deserve a break?
The question is in my mind
Its in our mind.
We are not alone
In thinking self care is selfish once and for all.

To love yourself isnt selfish
To accept yourself isnt wrong
Take care of yourself and make your happiness a priority
It's nesscerry not just for you
But for everyone else battling this thought
Just breathe and think
Your giving the world the full of you
Not just part of you .

It's hard but I know how strong You are
How we all are.
Take time to do what makes your soul happy
Even if is sitting down and reflecting.

It's my mind that is hurting me
The consent memories that I did not choose to to through
The constent tears that I wish never existed
The sadness that hurts me all the time
So don't blame me
If i want to wave goodbye

:(

Happiness hates me
I hate happiness
Any sort of happiness I get should go
So goodbye to the people who made me happy
You guys were amazing

I'm so sad
I take the **** out of my pain
I just laugh and say
I'm too used to this feeling now
I can't be asked to give up now
It requires to much thinking
And that a depresed person cannot do

Hey
I am not freek
But the question is
Am I dreaming
Or is this my reality

I'm so happy now
I have snapped out of my Depresion
My anxiety has waved goodbye
Life is beauful
People are accepting
I only cry like once a day
























I lied.
I lied

How much I have cried in the night
Nobody knows
I have cried in the loneliness
Forigve me
What kind of crime is this
Why should anyone share my pain
Or the thorns in my heart
When all this was written in my fate

scared and afraid was your little girl who cried herself to sleep
she asked, she begged herself to find answers to why "daddy"  was so cruel.
Dear dad. No dear monster.  Your no longer my dad.
A dad is not just somebody who helped produce you
you have to live up to the role
and you evil monster of a person didn't .
so now i declare you as a monster and not my father.
Remember that child who you looked in the eyes and said horrible words too...
who you watched while she slept
yeah i knew your soul was creeping on me and waiting for the perfect moment to take me out of bed...
i remember your ***** hands lifting me out of the warmness of my bed
the whispers you said still haunt me till this day
"i wonder what to do today"
i kept my eyes shut wondering off into an imagination of a 9 year old thinking i haven't done my homework
who knew homework would no longer be my worry
but when will daddy hurt me next..

Your bitter sweet words fixed in my head
you telling me i was worthless when my body trembled with your cold hands exploiting it
this was not the first time and wasn't going to be the last time.

i  watched your brown eyes turn to red
as you felt the pleasure of hurting a 9 year old child.
The anger turned into a smile when i cried..
i told you "daddy stop please daddy it hurts"
i hope those cries torment you for the rest of your life...

i looked up and wondered when was it going to stop?
remember monster of a human
those cries of a 9 year old will torture you inside out
those pleads of a 10 year old will suffocate you
the screams of the 11 year old will **** you everyday

I
Am tired
Of crying
Myself to sleep
It hurts.

Feel like crap
Goodbye.
This is not the end
But the start to
The new image of feeling crap

Panic, worry and fear
All sounding around me
Nobody can see how much my anxity is frightening me,
Counsellors, teachers they telling me there is nothing wrong with me,
My family they telling me stop acting so crazy
"Attention seeker"
"Using your past to get away with things"
They all say its normal to feel the way you do after the abuse
I feel abnormal what should i do?
How can i see the world around me
Its spinning around i can barely see
I am a broken bird i want to fly
Escape my pain, the nightmares the cries and the flashabacks not leaving my sight,
They tell me breathe and it will be fine
They tell me that a thosend times
"Your safe now nobody will HURT you"
One day i will recover
From the constent pain
Without nobody to see
The magic that happend to me

The cut across my skin felt like a broken heart shattered across a million times.

Life is hard...
You just gotta do it.

Do not  make permanent dessicions
On temporary feelings
Too late now.
Already have

I put on a mask
That's covers my true emotions
Why should I tell you I'm NOT fine
When you look at me and
Say
Your overreacting
Your overthinking
Your lying...

I wish I didn't exist  
All I ever do is cause trouble and distress
Everything bad that ever happens is because of me
So let me end it and show the world
That laiba is the worst person in the world
Goodbye and good luck

I dont know what to feel
I don't know what to say
All my mind does is cry everyday
I silently scream, i silently cry
I dont want nobody to hear me
Incase they send me back there
The place where all the sick people go
The place where i once went
Spent a week in agoney
And now i got a fear.

I don't know what to feel
Or say
Do i have the right to say
That i am one step closer to my mind exploding.

Tired
Alone
I just want to die
And not do it Anymore