Failure is the hardest emotional hurdle to overcome.
It means the end of the adventure,
And worse,
That this particular end is your fault.

Failure means a creased brow, fidgety fingers, and knotted stomach
It means confrontation
And admission of guilt.
Failure means you didn't succeed.

When failure sneaks up on me at night,
Seeps into the skin on my back,
And wraps its slimy hands around my rib cage
When I'm in its vice grip
And I can't breathe
Will you give me CPR?

Baby, I'm a thief.
I will steal your sleep
With a word,
Enticing you to shed your blankets
And walk the night with me
Like a demonic Sandman
And we'll do un-Hypnotic things
And un-Morpheus things.
Nyx would be proud.
So scurry away little boy
I will make you so sleep deprived,
You won't even remember your name
And I'll send you off in the morning
With dark circles,
Drooping eyelids,
And to accidents lying in wait for you
Beware of me, love.
I will ruin your life
As I steal your sleep.

Please
Forgive me, and goodnight.

Continuous tides of connection,
Communication and touch between us,
And now silence.
Stillness.
Not a single tremor or ripple
Not even a whisper of wind.

Like the moments after a bomb drops,
you've left my ears ringing.
I don't know what I've done
To deserve this.
Silence.
Stillness.

No response.

Sometimes I just wish you would miss me as well.

Finally,
It happened.
Laying in bed
I can feel the emotional hangover coming on.
Words play on repeat in my head
Words like "one night stand,"
"Guilt," "Pain," "Solitude."
Over and over
Intermingled with the aftershocks
Of Mom's messages.

An emotional hangover.

Guess it's time to start
Picking up the ******* and broken things
Left over from the night before.

Hey Mom?
I miss you.
Like a lot.
I miss dancing in the kitchen
To Madonna and Meatloaf.
I remember singing under the paper lantern
From the dollar store.
You bought it just for me.
I miss your strong, muscular embrace
And your scent of cloves and earl grey and earth.
I miss your long, silky hair
Just like mine.
I cut it all off last week.

Some days,
I just wish I could talk to you,
Talk to you about what hurts
But you hurt.
Just to remember hurts.
You're gone.

Hey Mom?
If you're still in there,
Beneath all the alcohol-infused blood
At the bottom of the cavity in your soul maybe,
Could you peek out from behind the curtain?
If only for a moment.
Could you give me some signal
Some kind of hope
That beneath it all
My mother is still here
On this earth
That she isn't lost to me forever.
That the woman who cherished me in her lap
Swaying me back and forth while I cried
From bad dreams or heartache
The woman who taped up my broken arm
And taught me how to make the best spaghetti
My mommy,
Who taught me to sing with beauty
And shared her green thumb secrets.
Please.
Please.
Don't be lost to me entirely.
Please come back.

Hey Mom?

I look up at the stars


And I see you.

We are explosive.
Two sticks of dynamite waiting for the match.
Just one whisper of a spark and we'll go,
Dying to impersonate the stars
Like fireworks in the night.

Fire, you and I
But different, if you know where to look.

Flames of summer
You are wild and destructive,
Spreading yourself too thin
Like wildfires in the drought
Roaring challenges at the sun.
But in the cricket-filled cool nights,
Bringing comfort and memories to the young at heart
Taming yourself for a time beneath stars that bear my sign
Burning out in the darkness before sunrise
Ready to return at first spark.

Pyre of winter,
Tamed by the frost and wind
Leaning on hearths for strength
Keeping vigil in the long night
Raging against dark and dusk and death
Yearning for what was lost in the fall
Waiting for the rebirth of spring
Sending up grey prayers to stars that bear your sign

Fire, you and I.
Born to stars of flame
Raging, roaring, writhing
At the whim of the wind
Waiting
For the spark.

I keep looking for evidence that you were here.
Proof that once you shared this bed.
Some something embodying our shared time.
What I do find leaves me lost.

Three and a half pairs of socks.
Steak seasoning.
Aluminum foil.
Diet orange soda.
Hot sauce.

And, if you count them,
Notes I left for you.

Sometimes it feels like I dreamt it all,
Just like I'm dreaming you'll read these poems,
The only notes I can leave for you now.
Find them, and maybe I won't be so lost anymore.
Find me.

We like to say that stillness comes with night
That on hot summer evenings we can hear God breathe
But I disagree.

Summer nights, beautiful as they come,
Are filled with crickets, cicadas, birds of prey, and the sound of growing
They smell of burnt marshmallows and laughter
Bursting with life,
Loud and exuberant.
No, summer nights are not still.

It is in winter,
When death and slumber rule the woods,
Where even our breath is muffled by the cold,
Frozen into puffs of clouds.
The night does not sing as summer,
Cicadas and crickets and owls and coyotes
Calling out in the heat.
No.
Silence basks in moonlight on a bed of leaves
That tucked the summer away in their fall.

It is here that we find the still in the night
The quiet so deep we must look inward for sound
Heartbeats and whispers of breath,
Memories filling our inner ear,
Unable to keep the quiet.
But when calmed,
When frozen still by the cold,
You can hear it,
The throbbing in the dirt,
The heartbeat of the earth,
The subtle zephyrs through naked trees
The breath of gods.

Here,
We find the still in the night.

I cannot tell anymore
If the silence he resonates
Is the defense he fronts
To keep the closing cage of commitment at bay
A gentle reprieve from the fears divebombing like magpies
Or if this new wave is the end.
If this darkness and muffled cries  
Are a direct correlation to my bad days
Overwhelming him
Forcing him in that car
Taking him hundreds of miles away
And telling me "I can't help you."

But he can't see
I never wanted him to ride in like a savior
I don't need to be rescued.
I just wanted to show him my soul
And for him to look, really look,

And tell me he loved me.

Maybe it's time.
Time to release you
Back into the shark infested waters you call home.
And maybe it's time for me to sever
The fishing line tangled around your heart,
What holds you here.

Perhaps it has been unfair of me
To keep you
In a world so out your element,
So restricting and staggered.
So unlike your fluid currents of freedom.
Solid ground is a prison.

I know what you've done for me,
The fear of asphyxiation that you've choked down
Just to stay by my side
Night in, night out
To see me smile.

But I want more now,
More than just night
More than just a smile.
But I know you can't.

Staying means holding your breath forever
Staying means suffocating
Staying means losing yourself
The end of all freedom.
Staying means losing you all the same.

So maybe
It is time to let you be free
to become just another shark
In those waters you call home.


But then I may not be able to breathe anymore.

"You need to pull back."
You're right, maybe I do.

Each new year brings the same question

             What comes next?

All that's left here are things you've forgotten.
Including me.

You'll be sitting on a step
Some party raging behind you
And you'll be contemplating walking home,
Or finding that girl from earlier
The one who tangled her fingers in your hair while you kissed,
When it'll happen.
A girl, maybe 18,
Will plop down beside you,
Purposefully skin to skin,
and she'll smile.

She'll pretend she's more drunk than she is
And you'll want to protect her.
Like always.
People will be looking for you,
The life of every party now,
Inside the house
But you won't care.
This girl will tell you she's got to walk home,
And you'll take her hand,
And tell her to lead the way.
She'll lean over and kiss you,
Just like she planned she would,
Just long enough to give you the right idea.

You'll stand up together
Wobbling just a little
And she'll start walking
And you'll keep pace and a lookout.
She'll glance at you,
Hunger in her eyes
Waiting to feed off the attention you wrap yourself in,
Like an otter in seaweed.

You'll become very aware of the condoms in your pocket
You might think about how you need to buy another box
As she's the fifth girl this month to take you home

Hungry for the fame
Hungry for the attention
Hungry for the talent
But not hungry for the you inside.
And you'll know it,
I hope.

Stay safe out there, love.
I'll remember.

You were always better at love poems
Which is truly a tragedy
Because now who will write you the eloquence you deserve?
There is something terribly fitting, and yet sad,
That when I think of how to write for you,
"Your Song" immediately comes to mind.
However, unfortunate for you, it's also true.
If I had anything better to express these wavelengths vibrating in my chest,
I would do it, to show you the depth, volume, mass of my affection
For the way you hair only knows how to grow up,
For your hobbit-like, animated toes,
For hands so perfect, Michelangelo couldn't have done it better,
For the ever-shifting newness of your irises;
But as previously lamented,
I have nothing but words.

Even more unfortunate for you, love
I was always more of a math brain.
Ah! If only there was a formula,
One where x equals the buzzing in my knee caps when you're standing close enough to touch,
And y equals the deepest secret that cummings tried to explain,
Where there's a tree and a sky and bud.
Something I could quantify,
Like how your star sign and mine dance around the earth with one another.
How it all means nothing by itself, just some shots in the dark
But because of love, some of those shots meet their target.

One day I'll write you a love poem,
A real one.

Still,
Still I find myself surprised at the neglegence of human decency.
How sticky with tar,
Oozing from their insides,
Dark, consuming, disgusting,
Revealing of the soul underneath.

It still gets me,
That people can get that. . . sick
On the inside.

You're sick,
Overridden with this illness,
This apathy and vindictive hatred.
It consumes you.
Soon, very soon,
There will be nothing left of you
But tar and ashes.

It's almost too much to hold in.
I scream out,
"Rest in pieces, you heinous *****!"

I'm telling you, still,
I find myself surprised at the neglegence of human decency.

Remember a few months back
Where I dropped the first shoe?
When I came stumbling into your life on a whim,
A simple message sent
A vague curiosity.

Now, before we hash out where I went wrong since then
Before we map out just where I lost your interest
Before you tell me that I'm "just a friend"
Before you tell me you've moved on
Before all of that

You once asked me
Why.
Said you were waiting for that other shoe to drop.
Waiting for the reason behind my curiosity
And conversation.
Waiting for the not so pleasant end to my interest.

But let me tell you something, handsome.
The moment you responded,
The very instant you turned your head
I was scared.
That first night
When you walked instead of slept,
When you shared stories and warmth in the rain,
When you leaned forward, cross-legged on the floor
And kissed me,
I was terrified.
How could I, the girl trying to be a woman,
Controlled and bullied by her fears,
Ever
Ever come to deserve the affection of a man like yourself.

I knew then as I know now,
Though I tried for those 3 months to forget,
That I cannot be worthy of affection
From a man who can love so intricately as you.

You are beautiful,
and I was frightened before I was even yours,
That the day would come when I would lose the treasure of your inclination.

And I have.
And now there is nothing to do,
But wait for you
To drop the other shoe.

It is one thing to hear about
Beethoven,
And learn about his diminishing hearing.

It's another thing
Entirely
To meet him.
And he knows it's coming.

19 years old and counting
Down the years until
He can no longer hear pitch,
Tone, or the correct notes.

A singer, music enthusiast, and beauty,
Who will some day

lose the music to deaf ears

Leaving me be,
Air finally reaches my lungs.
No more waiting and wondering
Where you’ve been or where you’re going.
With newfound air in these tired lungs
I can out run those long-clinging fears.
Your name is no longer engraved
On the vice clamping my heart shut.

Hope for new love, new adventures,
Has melted the lock on the door,
And I’m tripping over untied shoelaces
In my haste to escape the prison that was my life.

Farewell, black and white.
Here comes the sun.

All your life
has been clinging
to this cliff edge.
You spent years taunting
the growling waters below.
Not even the storms --
in all their fury --
Could pry you from your rock.
          Rooted Conqueror, you were.

But now the time has come
for you to reach up, up, up.
Stretching your heart up
into the celestial bodies.

Defying the constant wind,
You flower.
For the first, only time
In your life
You show the world
Your beauty, inside
That at your center,
Blooms of sunlight
were just waiting to burst.

And burst they do,
Tall as the trees,
And your brave, defiant spirit
Is Released.

Leaving your body behind to brown and wither
       Empty now.
That resilient spirit gone.
The carcass and its roots
Fall into the roaring sea.

This is me,
Looking for you in a dimly lit bar
Only to find you
Forehead pressed to another nameless girl.
This is what love looks like to me.
To aid and abet,
To give you the freedom you crave
Which does not come with the restraints of commitment.

This is what love looks like to me.
Giving all that I possibly can
And trying not to take too much from you.
Letting you do and say what you like
Being your accomplice, your friend
And never judging you.

But you make it so difficult sometimes.
When you say that you'll look for me,
But instead you're dancing with another.
When you say you're excited to be with me,
Then you sleep next to someone else.
When you tell me you'd do anything for me,
But then you forget me and our plans
At the earliest convenience.

I love you.
I would and do give everything I can to you.
But this act, these consequences,
Your point of view.
It all has me skewed. Diluted. Drained.
Done.

And I'm not sure really where to go from here.

There you are
Gracing your usual corner
With smoke and a smirk to match.
You are not looking at me,
And I smile, because for once
I know something you don't know.
My one secret, clasped like a golden nugget in my palms
Is but a grain of sand to your multitudes.

Looking down, something amuses you
And you take another drag.
Once again I find myself pining
To pick up a habit that burns my lungs, too.
Again, yearning
To be the cancer you kiss,
That you think of when your mind wanders and your hands ache,
To be carried like treasure in your flannel's pocket,
To be caressed between your calloused fingers.
I would burn for you, too.

But then you look more aware,
No longer lost to ineffable thoughts that are solely your own,
And I jolt back
Not wanting my moment to disturb yours.
I shouldn't be here,
Loving you from afar
Reveling in the way you lift your cigarette
Up to your hypnotizing mouth.
I should be nowhere, and nothing.

But I'm already gone,
Windblown.
And you pay no mind
As the leaves shuffle by your toes in the breeze.

I wonder
Is the earth simply insecure?
Beneath twenty or so miles of dirt and dust
Some places harder than others,
She buries her brilliance.
Her effervescent truth hidden away.

Underneath it all,
She really is a star,
Hot as her sun's surface.
Capable of wonders
And destruction.

Everything is muffled,
Like an invisible cotton ball
Stuffing city streets with silence
Car horns don't jar our attentions,
Sirens whistle, not shriek
Passing couples yell to be heard
But there is nothing drowning them out.

This is the calm before the storm,
The void that opens up in the atmosphere
In the moments before the fury drop.
In this quiet,
The whispering gong of silence is deafening.

Then the lightning strikes
And thunder reminds us what it is to hear

My left hand has resorted to pins and needles
Heels keep bouncing, won't stay down
Restless recklessness making my skin crawl
Like a live, exposed wire

I need to burn.

Razors and cigarettes, like magnets,
Calling my touch.
Like a sacred ritual,
I'd sacrifice myself for desire
Hopes and dreams be ******
I'd light that fire.

Let me burn.

I'd be the light on the coast,
Warning of the dangers below
Whispers in my sirensong
Beckoning you to harbor home
Sending up prayers in my smoke

Tie me to the pyre.
Strike the match.
Watch me burn.

Like a sunset
Nothing gold can stay.

Here.
Quietly, then all at once
Her voices and touches arise.
Smiling bright as smooth sunshine,
I lift up my nose to the breeze.

Childhood hides among the brambles
Laughter peeks from under each stone
The trail hums with life.
Walking, gliding through the brush
Playing peek-a-boo with the path,
I embrace Her like an old lover and teacher,
For it was here
In the shade of figs and acorns
That I learned I could soar.

Here.
Where beetles mate and ants labor
Where crackle-leaves dissolve and the soil exhales warmth
Where field mice scurry and fledglings learn to fly.

Even on another continent,
Her caress is familiar.
It is the one of thorn bushes and wildflowers and weeds.
It is the stumble-over-stones
And the ear-tickling-buzz of the bees.

Here.
I know I am Home.

Amongst the forest of your ribcage
Pounding feet muffled by moss beds
Racing and weaving betwixt a wig of vines
Elusive artist, gymnastic god

Can I catch him?
Do I dare try?

If I ever did, or could,
Reach out and ****** his wrist
Would I not ensnare him?
Like severing the flower from her stem,
Wishing to keep hold of her forever,
But just like her petals, he would wither.

No.

I will not tear through these woods that are not my own,
To entwine him around my finger.
He was not made for capture, but to captivate.
This is not a hunt,
It is a game of tag
And I will burn after him
If only for one touch
Before he sprites away again.

A wood elf and his girl
Making love in the forest of your ribcage.

There are secrets buried in the freckles on your elbow.
Stories, memories, dreams
All interwoven with epithelial cells and sunlight.

When I first realized I loved you
I found myself captivated by essence of star you carried in your skin
Like Sirius, embodied.
But now that my eyes have adjusted to your brilliance,
I instead ponder the depths of the tales each freckle could tell.
You are endless, intricate, effervescent man, you
Are your own night sky of constellations.

Tell me a story?

I held it
That cactus of a beating heart
And I thought it was an honor
Thought the cuts in my palms meant something
Marked me as worthy
And the blood running down my wrists to my elbows
Sealed this bond like blood-brothers.
The tears shed when the needles dug deep
Meant I was chosen
I was special because no matter how much it hurt,
I could still hold on.
Reliable, dedicated, adoring, lasting
Loving.
And when others wanted their turn,
I'd surrender over my treasure
Sometimes ginger, sometimes impatiently forceful,
They would take their turn with you.
But they weren't interested in pricking their fingers,
Or shedding tears over you,
So you'd come back.
And in my slashed, stabbed, scarred hands
With needles still stuck in my skin,
I would cradle you.
Pull you up to my chest and breathe in hope,
Only to sink your spines in deeper
Anchored to me.

I thought the pain was worth it
Thought no one could hold you like I could
Told you I'd wait for you to shed those ****** and spines
Wait for my hands, my chest, to be enough.

But you, cowardly heart that you are,
Will never shed those spikes for me,
Trade protection for vulnerability,
For love.
Nor will you stop from wrenching yourself from my fingertips,
Give up the thrill of a new conquest,
The satisfaction of new blood drawn.

And if it's true,
If it was all a lie,
A ruse to buy you more time, more blood,
And if my hands are not feeding me insecurities again,
Then maybe it's time I put you down
And wash my hands.

Fate can go **** itself.
Here is my mountaintop
These are my curses to the stars
Tear at my clothes,
Scorch my flesh
Plead with the moon
Then nothing
Not even a ripple in the black
Destiny has spurned me here.


If this is what's in store for me,
I ******* give up
Since when has love not been enough?

I can feel the warmth,
So close I can taste your sunlight
But in truth,
You're millions of miles away.

I could lay there
Soaking in your heat
Breathing in your electric energy
Until I ******* burn
But it won't bring us any closer

Like moons and suns and planets,
Wandering aimlessly in space
Searching down familiar paths
Looking for an answer.

And just like those celestial bodies,
We'll never truely touch
But I can still feel your warmth.

And still,
You are interwoven,
Ingrained into my very thoughts.

It's that time of year again
Where the heat turns up to 11
And suddenly I'm boiling like a cauldron over a hearth
Leaking out all my impurities.
Purging my illness like a lightweight two martinis too many.

Spring was a lie
Summer is my rebirth
And I sweat it out like the metaphorical labor I'm going through.
It's July and my ghosts of Christmas past
Have decided I'm getting too Scrooge-like, again.

Reborn, like I said,
But not without requiring a death to make room for this new life.
And in this death I am haunted,
Revisited by all those summer ghosts
Pain after pain, brought back to spark in my vision
The kind that induces goosebumps and clammy palms.

Some memories, the ones that leave you gasping for air,
Like the time you fell flat on your back from the playground ladder,
Lungs in shock, stunned
Those memories don't fade with time.
They'll disappear for a while,
Fly south for the winter months,
But that summer heat is too familiar.
They'll always come back,
Lurking in parking garages, apartment gates, and on park benches.

Winter cold may sting,
But it was winter who brought you,
And winter when you chose to stay.
It was summer who took you away,
And summer again when you left.

Now the solstice has come
And I've already begun to simmer.
Time to grow anew, again.

I cannot escape you.
Though I run until my thighs quiver,
Fatigue sinking in like a sickness,
I cannot outrun the breeze of your breath
Nor the snapping of your teeth at my heels.
Slick with sweat that smells of iron
Like blood
But still I run.

And I will keep running until you pounce
Baring my throat to the night
Singing to the moon of your triumph
And claim my heart with your teeth.

I cannot escape you.

I am thinking of you sitting in a dark room with a drink in hand
Clenching your jaw like you do when you're trying to rein-in emotion

And I'm not there.
Even if I was, there is nothing I could do to take that pain away.
Not the guilt, self-hatred, or the anger.

And you'd just push me away anyways,
Holding me at arms length like you do
A constant wall in place between us.
Nothing for me to do.

I know you're sitting there,
Alone, no matter your surroundings
Thinking you should follow him
Asking yourself why you shouldn't just leave forever
Telling yourself it's all your fault.

You'll finish the night buried beneath the anguish and someone's body
Content for just a moment
Then sink back into the abyss you drown yourself in
Day in.
Day out.

You'll get up the next morning,
Alone, no matter your surroundings
With your braveface back in place
Disguised to the world.

But I'll know where you've been in your absence

**Because you tracked death on the carpet when you walked in.

As the caterpillar sheds its skin
And digests itself

So too must I.

It could have been just like any other day.
Sad, at times, numb at others.
Instead, any hope of making sense
Just walked out that door behind you.

Today is two years ago,
Sitting on the end of my dorm bed
Today is you standing in front of me,
Just got back from a party.
The lamp is on behind you,
And you're smiling down at me,
Glowing.
Today is you looking me in the eyes,
Then looking away to ask,
"Hey Evie, are you my girlfriend?"
Today is my reply,
"I don't know. Do you want me to be?"

Today it makes sense
Because your answer isn't "yes" anymore
And my reply isn't "okay, then yes, I'm your girlfriend."
Somewhere that changed forever.
Somewhere I lost, and fate laughed, and you left
And it's all over.

Most days it's manageable
Especially now that The Silence
Has come to a tentative close.
But just as every addict knows,
once your highs get higher
Your lows get lower.

Days like today
And nights like last night
Remind me what it's like at the bottom,
What it's like after you've fallen.

Hope,
That glowing beam that some cling to
Is instead my punishment,
A pillory I'm chained to
Locked in
Keeping me in the same place,
Hoping.

Some days are more manageable than others.

Someday,
Someone will want to be in just this bed
Laying next to me

And maybe by then,
It'll be worth it for them to stay
Because I'll have myself
Finally figured out.

i am afraid
that my nervous energy
and my accustomedness to lack of sleep
will soon drag you down with me
into my depression-well
where i like to drown myself
when i do and don't deserve it

and i am afraid
that you will soon tire of my antics
my fears and my sloth
and i will force you to do what you fear:
hurt me
i'll deserve every pinch of every nerve
when you leave my bed cold

and the waters will come
as they always do
faithful as my self-loathing
and i will drown in the absence you'll leave

but you'll be better off, Love.

I'm not sure why
But everyone keeps talking about their mothers, lately.
Maybe it's because springtime reminds us of birth
Or perhaps it's because Mother's Day is next month.

I don't know.

But it's got me thinking of you, Mom.
It reminds me of when I barely reached your belly button
When you'd take me in the garden
And show me your green thumb miracles.
I think back on nights when the stars would sing for us
And you would point out which constellations were ours.
So many secrets and stories to be told.

I wonder which state you're burning through
Which highway you're on
And what flowers have captured your attention today.
It's springtime, after all.

Do the redbud trees remind you of me?
Of the long drives to town
When I would drone on like a honeybee
About those delicately beautiful petals.
Me, I smile despite myself when I see the forsythia unpack their trumpets,
And when the irises grow their beards.
You always had a way with flowers.


Even when your words would slur,
You always had a way with flowers.
Even when you would pass out and burn dinner,
You always had a way with flowers.
Even when you stopped coming home at night,
You always had a way with flowers.
Even when you packed your things and left,
You always had a way with flowers.
Even when you didn't get better,
You always had a way with flowers.
Even when I stopped answering your calls,
You always had a way with flowers.

You always did.
I guess you always will.

I see it now
The truth to those drunken words
Words well meaning,
Words of fear and self-loathing
Words of hope and love and longing
Words of promises to keep and goals set
Words that turn to dust when dried out
Words that mean nothing,
Like the dust bunnies under your couch
Just. Words.

Just like your words today,
Telling me you asked someone else on a date.
While I was sitting
Just five feet away.

Challenge my self perception
Show me that I am not the only vault you keep
And I am not the singular candle in the window
Nor am I your solitary partner in crime
I, alone, do not shoulder the weight of your world.

And that,
Is okay.

Fear** is the thorn bush
Seeking refuge in my left ventricle
Stealing all the oxygen from the rest of my body
Keeping me immobile for fright of suffocation
Feeding my brain with insecurity
And self depreciation.

Saying things like
He doesn't really want you back.
You don't really mean that much.
You're an embarrassment.
You're too demanding.
You're too broken to fix.
And who would want to help with repairs anyways,
You charity case?

So you see,
There really is no escaping this
Without injesting herbicide
Or ripping my heart out.

my stomach drops at the sight.
who knew the eyes had such control over the body?
lungs frozen,
heart burning a hole through my sternum,
hands trembling.
hearing the story in pictures with no words
no commentary, no explanation
only Silence, only Assumptions.
your easy smile, given so freely
scares me into a corner where jealousy and doubt meet
fear threatens to asphyxiate me as i try to choke it back down
transfixing, magnetizing, beautiful, in ways that are only yours
i know others can see even if you cannot
and they will want you, as i want you.
and as i've said before,
one day you will tire of me
tire of my fear, my sloth, my sadness, and my emptiness
and she will be more of what you want.
she'll like the same things, have the same goals, be just as passionate as you, and share your love for debate.
she'll be better for you.
and until this happens,
i will fear its arrival with every posted picture.

Anxiety pulls my intestines out through my belly button
As I wait in silence for The Verdict.
Fear, a rabid dog, lashes out at my feet with every retracing step.
Time is both an enemy and an ally
Here, where darkness sears every eye into blindness.
I would see your face,
Would it not bring both Exuberance and Despair as gifts to my heart.

I would beg of you,
Could my mouth but move for the irons locked around it,
Prove Fear and Despair wrong.
Let Distance and Silence not calcify your heart and affection.
I plead of you to fight for your warmth,
Do not let the cold win
Though it may be easier.

Don't forget me for nothing but a mistake,
A passing thought in your life
With no significance but the confusion you once felt.
Please.
Give me something to trust.