when thinking takes to much thought
and Sane is something I'm not,
guidelines of right and wrong disappears,
speak of the devil and he appears,
teasing and taunting,
scaring and haunting.
afraid of everything I see,
trying so hard not to be me.
losing all control,
missing every goal.
until the morning breaks
continuing these aches.
never be the same,
playing the same game.
*over and over and over.

~close your eyes and think of something that makes you happy

~think about someone you love

~distract yourself with good things

~cry (crying is always better then bleeding)

~remember that you never have to be "enough"

~remember that you ALWAYS are enough

~think about your future (i know it's hard)

~don't give up

~watch a happy movie

~don't ever ever give up

~forgive yourself

*** is easy when it's meaningless

All I did was fail today.

How could any good,
come from this broken soul of mine?
Prayers never do what they should,
but they tell me I'll be fine.
Depression feeds religion
or is that just my line?
Could this suffering be conviction
my warning from divine.

i'd rather hang with fictional people
then with my own kind
i'd rather jump into an alternate world
than stay in this one
i'd rather love a made-up man
than pathetically crave a real one
i'd rather have the thrill of almost dying
than never truly living
i'd rather live in sci-fi
then only being stuck watching it
but alas
i'm stuck out here
when all i want to be
is in there.

Waking, I am left with my thoughts,
to contemplate myself, my being.
Questions of "What am I doing?",
Often tend to leave me fleeing.

Hot water pouring down my back,
in a shower of uncertainty
Standing still and all alone,
with a pressing sense of urgency.

But as always, I shake it off
and soon begin to dry.
The ending of this sentence,
is nothing, but a sigh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
a girl and a boy and a hundred phone chimes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
frozen pizza and playing a song over too many times
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
video games and talking on the phone all night
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
energy drinks and midnight runs to get a light
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
lying in bed talking about endless possibilities
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
eating, sleeping and running from responsibilities
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~­
a poisoned youth we hope never to be lost
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
all we can do is keep our fingers crossed
                             ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Funny how emptiness makes you feel so full.

i have so many things to write about
i just cant find the motivation
to collect my thoughts

Make up your mind.
I'm tired of waiting.
You think it's a game
Soon you'll realize
**It's not

she doesn't love you

him and i had the relationship of a
five year old and a balloon
i was so happy to have him
and promised i would never
let him go
until one day
my mind slipped
and suddenly
just like that
he was gone
and i was just stuck
watching,
crying,
but not able to do anything
because
my arms got tired

there will never be enough t
                                              i
                                          m
                   ­                     e
                                      .
 ­                                 .
                              ­ .
                                 .
                                    .
                                        .
                                          *to fill this blank screen with all the thoughts
                                                                ­                                                     in
                                                                ­                                               my
                                                              ­                                      mind

must be home by 1

12:15 a.m
"Don't fall asleep baby, you need to be home soon."
"It's fine, I'm just gonna close my eyes for a minute."

5:15 a.m
"Hey what time is it?"
**"Oh ****.."

am i allowed to have an opinion?
or
am i allowed to have your opinion?
this
illusion
of freedom we all have
is
washed away
by
the fact that
laws meant
to
be broken.
we are a
society
that destests constriction
but
yet
we squeeze ourselves
into the
LIE
that we are
UNIQUE
because, really?
we are all
exactly the same.

i made no mistake
i made love.
opened my heart
gave a piece up

and in the end

i would not change a thing

i really thought that i would be better by now,

Society.
  Killing.
    ******.
      Slaughtering.
        Stabbing.
          Shaming.
Voices.
    Whispering.
        Chanting.
           Yelling.
             Screaming.
               Crying.
People.
  Desperate.
    Alone.
       Hurt.
         Separated.
            Angry.
America.
   Segregated.
    Spiteful.
      Poisonous.
        Murdered.
           Undignified.

lay down on my chest and cuddle with me, the smell of smoke and breath enveloping us.*
*happiness wrapped in blankets, lit by games plastered on screens.

scared to be a second choice, because what will you do, if she comes back?

How can I help you see,
When I ,myself, am blind.

they don't see the smile fade away as she turned away
because she had been programmed to be ashamed
to hide the pain
to never let them see the scars that crisscrossed her heart
so she never spoke
she never let them know
that everyday the figurative gun in her hand became easier to hold
she was no longer afraid
of the noise it made
she while she covered herself with others fake mask  of being "fine"
the others thought there was nothing wrong
because they were to lazy to actually ask her
*"are you sure?"

I am always angry at people who skip to the end of books,
I question why the hell would you want to know?
Is not the point of the book to go from front to back?
But now, i find myself in life, wishing to skip forward
to a time of stability and safety
hoping that in the end it just all works out
but, the pages of life are not easily turned
and many are hard to read
but the point is not to skip to the end
but to enjoy every chapter.

too much to think about but so much time

one. a cozy blanket
two. a worn out bed
three. a cracked window
four. a cool fall breeze
five. the sound of the crickets singing
six. protecting arms around me
seven. *an intimate goodnight kiss

when did i get here?
where did i go wrong?
im living in fear
i pray not for long

i have four that i love
each care for me
done looking above
those hurting me

much i have learned
but still more to go
as much i have earned
still so much to know

bad days do outweigh
good days rare to see
need someone to stay
right here next to me

ive built up this wall
surrounding my heart
scared to let it fall
i dont know where to start

but, my mind clears
and my heart keeps beat
and all of those fears
die under my feet

because i am strong
at least, for a day
my heart sings a song
my mind knows im okay

and in this moment,
after i cry.
i am calm.

Recovery will be behind me.
I will learn how to not be so angry.
Falling asleep won't be the hardest part of my day.
All of the scars will have faded away.
Conversations will be easier to start.
I will look in the mirror and recognize art.
Hospitals won't be a scary place.
Home will be a familiar space.
I will look back and I will understand,
that pain and growing come hand in hand.
One day, I'll be stronger than ever before,
and I'll have this moment to be thankful for.